Friend from work playing me?

LegacyUser

Hi there

Guy here, employed by a small company, and I've had a big crush on a girl who also works there. She's very friendly and bubbly not to mention being a total hottie but she is starting to get on my nerves now. She is quite touchy feely with me and stuff, as in when we're out she will sometimes lean into me, hug me, or put her hand on my leg when laughing at something I say, for example. We text and talk online a fair bit, and yet, she told me repeatedly she doesn't want to be anything more than friends with any of the guys she works with, all during the course of normal conversation. This is fine, except her behaviour gives a different impression.

There is another chap, who just left the company very recently, and she also behaved this way with him, hugging with him and doing what I thought was out and out flirting. He, like me, thought at one point that she had a crush on him or that these behaviours indicated something else was going on, only, unlike me, he went so far as telling her drunkenly via text that he had loved her and had a huge crush on her and thought she was amazing etc. She, so she says, felt uncomfortable with this and politely told him she preferred being friends. To be honest, it was as much her fault as it was his, as far as I can see.

It makes it kind of hard to be friends with her when you're getting contradictory signals, even if she doesn't realise she's sending them. The thing is, she surely must be aware on some level of what she's doing. Today we were discussing if either of us was heading out and she suggested we should. When it turned out that none of our mutual friends were around, she backed down and said she was staying in, because she obviously would feel awkward being alone with me or something....

Anybody got any suggestions for dealing with this - I don't want our friendship to suffer but I think she needs to be made aware that the way she acts is sometimes misleading and has ended up really hurting the chap who just left!

tenchi-fan

There's a girl I work with who's about 2 years younger than me, and there are 4 guys on my team.

She's always hugging 3 of us, giving our shoulders a rub if we're sitting down and she comes over to talk, saying she "loves" us, etc, and she blushes a bit some times. I just think she comes across as flirty, but she doesn't mean anything by it because she's getting married at the end of the year and is so happy she just keeps on being overly friendly.. she's actually a bit shy.

It would be so easy to get the wrong idea!

It is a bit inappropriate to be honest, but then again the conversation among everyone on the team can scrape the barrel at times. We're all around 26-30 and generally get on fairly well.

Chucky the tree

nopatienceleft wrote: »

Hi there

Guy here, employed by a small company, and I've had a big crush on a girl who also works there. She's very friendly and bubbly not to mention being a total hottie but she is starting to get on my nerves now. She is quite touchy feely with me and stuff, as in when we're out she will sometimes lean into me, hug me, or put her hand on my leg when laughing at something I say, for example. We text and talk online a fair bit, and yet, she told me repeatedly she doesn't want to be anything more than friends with any of the guys she works with, all during the course of normal conversation. This is fine, except her behaviour gives a different impression.

There is another chap, who just left the company very recently, and she also behaved this way with him, hugging with him and doing what I thought was out and out flirting. He, like me, thought at one point that she had a crush on him or that these behaviours indicated something else was going on, only, unlike me, he went so far as telling her drunkenly via text that he had loved her and had a huge crush on her and thought she was amazing etc. She, so she says, felt uncomfortable with this and politely told him she preferred being friends. To be honest, it was as much her fault as it was his, as far as I can see.

It makes it kind of hard to be friends with her when you're getting contradictory signals, even if she doesn't realise she's sending them. The thing is, she surely must be aware on some level of what she's doing. Today we were discussing if either of us was heading out and she suggested we should. When it turned out that none of our mutual friends were around, she backed down and said she was staying in, because she obviously would feel awkward being alone with me or something....

Anybody got any suggestions for dealing with this - I don't want our friendship to suffer but I think she needs to be made aware that the way she acts is sometimes misleading and has ended up really hurting the chap who just left!

Doesn't seem mis-leading to me. It's pretty obvious she has no interest in you as anything more then a friend but is the kind of person who is touchy feely and friendly. If you don't like her hugging/putting her hand on your leg etc. then tell her to stop.

Zen65

nopatienceleft wrote: »

It makes it kind of hard to be friends with her when you're getting contradictory signals, even if she doesn't realise she's sending them.

She's not being misleading.

She has said she's not interested.... how much clearer would you like it? If she's a touchy-feely person, that's her personality and either you live with it or you ask her to stop.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

sounds like she is being tease using you to boost her ego while she does not want anything to do with any of you huh.? your not good enough except to boost her ego. knew people like that, told em foxtrot oscar

SillyMcCarthy

And I suppose if the roles were reversed it would be sexual harassment!

whatsamsn

I sense an under-line thing going on here ...

Lets say for a second she doesnt realise what she is doing. Thats fair enough. But then gets all this attention. Surely when the op and probably other guys confessed they thought she was flirting with them she would have to feel cautious to unintentionally send those signals again to the same person.

It happens where its done and people dont realise. We all know that. But then you'd stop. You wouldnt want to send those signals again. Unless she enjoys guys flirting with her.


Personally op. She sounds like a flirt.
If I unintentionally flirted with a girl and she asked me out but I wasnt interested. I would hold back on doing certain things again in the future (touching/flirting etc) It would be in the back of my mind to not send her signals again.

MRBEAVER

SillyMcCarthy wrote: »

And I suppose if the roles were reversed it would be sexual harassment!

It definitely would be. In our PC obsessed times I wouldn't dare touch a female co worker who had not touched me first and even then would be very careful. Even a hand on a shoulder or a casual remark complimenting a woman on her appearance get you you a disiplinary meeting ar lead to being fired these days. However women have a lot more freedom. Personaly I like being around women who are touchy feely and enjoy the contact.

In this case however I think that it is wholly inappropriate. I think that the OP has given her enough signals for her to realise that he has feelings for her. Either she doesn't realise the effect her actions are having which is very unlikely or she enjoys the power it gives her. And as the OP said it's not the first time it has happened. If she has any consideration or respect for the OP she would stop torturing him and play it cool. .

mackbolan

Call her bluff.
Tell her next time you are down the pub or you both are sharing a lunch break that you have no interest in being friends with her, tell her you like her and ask her out.
If she says she's not interested, say 'Fine so' and just stop talking to her unless it has to do with work.
If she tries steering the conversation into a sexual direction, cut her off and end the interaction.
If she touches you or leans over you or tries flirting with you, don't play her game. Tell her jokingly but making sure she gets the message: 'Hands off the merchandise.' Playfully slap her hands away. Make like it is no big deal for you.
This should embarrass her and she'll get the message that you are not a chump who falls for her silly games.
If you were a girl and this was a guy who was touching you and flirting with you and playing games, it would be sexual harassment. The guy would get in trouble.
Obviously no straight guy is going to complain about a hottie coming on to them which is why this girl can wrap men around her finger.
Don't be like other guys and stand up for yourself.
Tell her diplomatically in so many words to get lost and just get on with your work like she is not even there.
In future stop getting focused on one girl.
Instead start chatting up women in your own time - avoid women you work with - and focus on dating them and creating a social life outside of work.
Stop giving your power over to this silly little girl.

seenitall

mackbolan wrote: »

Call her bluff.
Tell her next time you are down the pub or you both are sharing a lunch break that you have no interest in being friends with her, tell her you like her and ask her out.
If she says she's not interested, say 'Fine so' and just stop talking to her unless it has to do with work.
If she tries steering the conversation into a sexual direction, cut her off and end the interaction.
If she touches you or leans over you or tries flirting with you, don't play her game. Tell her jokingly but making sure she gets the message: 'Hands off the merchandise.' Playfully slap her hands away. Make like it is no big deal for you.
This should embarrass her and she'll get the message that you are not a chump who falls for her silly games.
If you were a girl and this was a guy who was touching you and flirting with you and playing games, it would be sexual harassment. The guy would get in trouble.
Obviously no straight guy is going to complain about a hottie coming on to them which is why this girl can wrap men around her finger.
Don't be like other guys and stand up for yourself.
Tell her diplomatically in so many words to get lost and just get on with your work like she is not even there.
In future stop getting focused on one girl.
Instead start chatting up women in your own time - avoid women you work with - and focus on dating them and creating a social life outside of work.
Stop giving your power over to this silly little girl.

Wow. Bitter, much? It seems to me OP is not the only one with women-related "power" issues.

It's a logic fail to say that if the roles were reversed, it would be considered sexual harassment, and a logic fail that has been repeated often enough by now in this thread. If the roles were reversed, and if we are talking about a true analogy, the woman would have "a big crush" on the man, like the OP has on the woman here, and the furthest thing from her mind would be to complain of sexual harassment (as is the case with the guy on here - correct me if I'm wrong, OP). If there are no complainants, there is no complaint.

OP, since you don't want to lose her friendship and all that, why not just talk to her or failing that, even make it clear that all the touchy-feely stuff isn't on in a non-verbal, body-language manner, such as deliberately stepping a bit further away while she is talking to you, turning a cold shoulder when she leans in for a hug or whatever the heck she does. Believe me, she will soon get the message. And if THAT compromises your friendship with her, then I have to say it wasn't much of a friendship in the first place.

jdivision

OP she's just naturally flirty. She says she doesn't like anybody in work so unless she makes the first move then stop worrying about it. And if it's getting to you then just don't go drinking with her as it seems that's when she's most like that.

MRBEAVER

seenitall wrote: »

the woman would have "a big crush" on the man, like the OP has on the woman here, and the furthest thing from her mind would be to complain of sexual harassment (as is the case with the guy on here - correct me if I'm wrong, OP). If there are no complainants, there is no complaint.
.

You can't seriously mean that. Ever hear the phrase "He'll hath no fury like a woman scorned" If a man acted like that he would be leaving himself wide open to a sexual harassment complaint.

seenitall

MRBEAVER wrote: »

You can't seriously mean that. Ever hear the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" If a man acted like that he would be leaving himself wide open to a sexual harassment complaint.

Huh? Do words "gender stereotyping" ring a bell? We're not living in Shakespeare's times any more... Your post is so prejudiced it is actually funny.

Plus I never commented on what a man would be leaving himself wide open to, that is a different kettle of fish. I just observed that if the roles were reversed, the situation would not be considered sexual harassment, as there would be no complaint. I sure as hell never thought to myself: "Wow, that guy is gorgeous, I have a total crush on him ... I know what will help now, I will cry 'sexual harassment', that is sure to get me in the good books with him!" and I also don't know any sane woman who would. Since OP is presumably sane, why not assume that the imaginary woman from the "reversed role" scenario is the same? How about giving women a bit more credit than this, people?

MRBEAVER

Shakesphere talked a lot of sense. And I disagree with you. Having been years in office environments there is a good chance behaviour such as the OP describes would be considered sexual harrasement. Men these days are paranoid and scared and with good reason. I once had a collugue disciplined for sexual harassment because he "harassed" a woman by leaning over her in a " sexually intimidatory" manner while showing her something on a computer screen. He was found guilty even though there was no actual physical contact. And were you following the recent UCC fruitbat case. Disciplined for sexual harassment for showing a female collogue an academic paper on the sexual habits of bats. Women on the other hand do not have or need to have the same fear of the PC police.

seenitall

MRBEAVER wrote: »

Shakesphere talked a lot of sense. And I disagree with you. Having been years in office environments there is a good chance behaviour such as the OP describes would be considered sexual harrasement. Men these days are paranoid and scared and with good reason. I once had a collugue disciplined for sexual harassment because he "harassed" a woman by leaning over her in a " sexually intimidatory" manner while showing her something on a computer screen. He was found guilty even though there was no actual physical contact. And were you following the recent UCC fruitbat case. Disciplined for sexual harassment for showing a female collogue an academic paper on the sexual habits of bats. Women on the other hand do not have or need to have the same fear of the PC police.

Well, Shakespeare (or whoever wrote that little bit of poetry) displayed a pretty sexist view, or aren't you still aware of that, in these oh-so-PC times?

Agree with the bolded bit, however what you are still failing to grasp is that the bolded bit has nothing to do with the point I am making.

I repeat: no complainant, no complaint.

Or do you mean to say that your colleague was disciplined for sexual harassment without any kind of support of the said accusation from her? Honchos just swooped in on the poor guy for being intimidating or whatever, without her saying zip? Because if you are, I don't believe you.

LegacyUser

MRBEAVER wrote: »

Shakesphere talked a lot of sense. And I disagree with you. Having been years in office environments there is a good chance behaviour such as the OP describes would be considered sexual harrasement. Men these days are paranoid and scared and with good reason. I once had a collugue disciplined for sexual harassment because he "harassed" a woman by leaning over her in a " sexually intimidatory" manner while showing her something on a computer screen. He was found guilty even though there was no actual physical contact. And were you following the recent UCC fruitbat case. Disciplined for sexual harassment for showing a female collogue an academic paper on the sexual habits of bats. Women on the other hand do not have or need to have the same fear of the PC police.

true worked in an offfice where two girls were discussing sex lives while i was at a computer. if it were two male and the computer operator was a female would be sexual harrassment or some such label. not that i care what the two cheapos do, just do not want to hear it

Wagon

noshoe wrote: »

true worked in an offfice where two girls were discussing sex lives while i was at a computer. if it were two male and the computer operator was a female would be sexual harrassment or some such label. not that i care what the two cheapos do, just do not want to hear it

Glad i work from home these days you're right too.

My advice is this...ahem...

Reading between the lines, you aren't interested in anything happening because you know yourself that there is no hope. She made that clear.

Getting all close is very annoying after you get rejected and can lead to hurting people. Your old co-worker found that out the hard way. She also hasn't stopped since then so she knows what she's doing. She just likes the attention.

so tell her to stop or fúck off. Simple choice for her. I don't buy this "naturally flirty and she can't help it" bollocks some people will say either. she can help it.

Chucky the tree

noshoe wrote: »

true worked in an offfice where two girls were discussing sex lives while i was at a computer. if it were two male and the computer operator was a female would be sexual harrassment or some such label. not that i care what the two cheapos do, just do not want to hear it

You could grow a pair of balls and ask them to stop? Or complain to HR about it? You seem more then happy to sit there and listen to it while moaning about how "unfair" it is because if the situation was reversed it would be sexual harassment.

Wagon wrote: »

Simple choice for her. I don't buy this "naturally flirty and she can't help it" bollocks some people will say either. she can help it.

Of course she can help it, but OP has never told her to stop doing it. If someone does something you don't like you tell them to stop. Not saying anything and expecting a person to suddenly develop mind reading skills is lolstupid.

dudara

TBH, I think this girl should have a bit of cop-on. She goes around protesting that she doesn't want any sexual goings-on, and yet she's surprised when a man makes advances? She knows damn well what her behaviour is doing.

I'm not saying she should become a nun, but she should behave herself a little appropriately in the workplace. Touching someone's leg is a very sexual thing.

Long in short, she enjoys the admiration of the men and actively encourages it. Nothing wrong with that, as long as everyone in the game knows the rules.

If her behaviour is making you uncomfortable, then you need to tell her to ease off on the displays of affection. I think that's part of the problem. No one has told her to do that before.