Opening scene - another pass

cobsie

Another pass at this opening scene...more low-key than previously, as the full story is really an elegy, I am coming to realise

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Eastport


When Joe got the call about Eddie from the Miami Police Department, he was making a grilled cheese sandwich and drinking a beer. He stood with the receiver pinned under his jaw, a spatula in one hand, a Corona in the other, letting the orange cheese ooze onto the skillet and the edges of the bread burn and smoke.

"I don't understand." He was not long awake. It was mid-morning, hot and bright. "I mean, I just don't understand."

"I'm sorry for your loss, sir." said the police officer. She sounded black. "We'll need you to make a formal identification of your father, here in Miami. We can release the body to your custody following that."

Joe struggled to gather his thoughts. He was painfully hungover and although the police officer had no way of knowing that, he felt embarrassed. "So I have to, like, fly down to Miami? Is that what you mean?"

"That's right, sir."

"And it has to be me?"

A note of caution entered the officer's voice. "You're Joseph James Sullivan, correct? Of Eastport, Massachusetts?"

"What? Yes, that's me."

"And you confirm you're Paul Edward Sullivan's son?"

Joe's mind leapfrogged over years of absence. He hesitated for a second, then answered. "Yes, I am."

The voice relaxed. They were back on track. "Sir, I understand this is a difficult time. We are happy to recommend several local agents who can assist with transportation, paperwork and so forth. The usual arrangements."

Joe pulled the skillet off the heat and shook it back and forth a few times, unsticking the smoking sandwich. "He always went by Eddie. Just, y'know, that's what everyone called him."

"I understand. That's fine."

He crossed to the screen window and pushed his forehead against the mesh, looking out. The sun was already strong, the sky unblinking blue. He could feel an edge of hysteria creeping up on him. He stepped back and raised the bottle to his lips, finishing what was left with one long slug.

"Listen." He was nervous, plunging blindly into what he wanted to say. "The thing is, I don't think I'll be picking Eddie up. I just don't think that's going to happen."

"I understand this is difficult," repeated the officer flatly.

Joe opened his mouth to speak, then closed it again. He took the phone away from his ear and hung up.

For a long time he sat thinking nothing, feeling nothing but the small rise and fall of his chest, the grit of the floor under his toes. It crossed his mind to cry, but he knew he wouldn't. He got up and went to the fridge and stood in the cool downdraft of the open door, staring without seeing. After a minute, he took a beer and brought it outside to the back porch and sat heavily on the boards with his back against the shady wall of the house. It was seventeen years since he last saw Eddie. They took a trip to Boston one day when Joe was ten. Then his father returned him to his mother and drove away. He had a beautiful Dodge Dart, a green hardtop with white interior.

He rolled the cold bottle against his chest, trying to remember Eddie, trying to latch on to something good. His father was handsome, wiry, Boston-Irish. He wore white tshirts and had black hair, longish, always pushed back under his Red Sox cap. He smoked Newports. He was left-handed. Eddie taught him how to wolf whistle, that last trip to Boston. Joe smiled. He had forgotten about that. They had tacos. The first time Joe tried to whistle, he sprayed taco crumbs all over the table. That was a good night.

His heart jolted painfully.

pickarooney

I honestly preferred the second one, apart from the opening paragraph of that. The dialogue in version 2 was easily the best hook of the three beginnings you've posted. The last paragraphs here feel like you've artificially shortened the sentences (I can say this because I read the full ones, I suppose, but I think that would come across either way).

MilanPan!c

I like it!

Some of it is really strong!

I mean, there's always gonna be bits people would change, but it's good... the line about rising hysteria is good... know that feeling very well...

keep it up!