stay or go?

LegacyUser

Hi, new to this so apologies if I get things wrong but would really appreciate some feedback. Am in a relationship the last fiveishy years but right now, I'm not sure whether to stay or go. we're both late thirties and we have had the discussion about marriage but its just not what he wants. I know marriage isnt fundamentally important to a relationship, if I dont ever get married, that'll be ok but when kids were discussed, he's not sure of that either. He just keeps saying things might be different in the future, just wait and see. i would love to have kids but I try not to upset the apple cart by bringing it up again, i only end up upsetting myself. in general, there is just no discussion of the future between us.

Another issue that has been eating away at me, is his temper (it makes me feel even if we did bring kids into the equation how detrimental it would be to any child). The temper is usually driven by alcohol and can lead to some horrific shouting matches, the last few ones have been played out in public bars, generally with me ending up in tears but the following morning he never remembers anything he has said, he apologises but i hang onto the words (ranges from insults to name calling). At times, I feel emotionally drained and have started to avoid situations where alcohol is involved because of the arguments. At times Im too embarrassed to tell my friends this happens and i feel at times helpless to stop these explosions. This behaviour generally happens maybe once or twice a month.

Of course we do love each other, but by me living and staying and I risking losing myself and what I want? any words of wisdom would be great.

LegacyUser

amber_1 wrote: »

we're both late thirties

but when kids were discussed, he's not sure of that either. He just keeps saying things might be different in the future, just wait and see.

This is what jumped out at me. Does your partner know anything about basic biology? Does he think you can carry children well into your forties/fifties? He's late thirties, if he doesn't know that he wants kids now, he'll never know. He's stringing you along.

Shouting at and abusing you are not on. It's not a proper relationship if you're being abused and you feel like you're losing yourself. You should go, this man is giving you nothing but a hard time.

Zeouterlimits

5 Years, doesn't want to discuss the future and can't control his temper?

To me, that's pretty damn serious, I'd suggest you sit him down and make him understand how none of this is really acceptable. If you don't think you can, I'd suggest couples counselling. If he's hesitant/embarrassed to go, make him understand how serious you feel these issues are. Whatever you do, don't ignore it, be honest and up front.

dory

Your late 30s. If he doesn't want children now then that's it. If you want kids it's time to move. I had an aunt in the same position. Was in a relationship that never really went anywhere until she finally in her late 50's got sick of it, but of course, it's too late for children now.

There might be some room for improvement here if everything was great except for this, but it sounds like he's abusing you.

Zen65

amber_1 wrote: »

Of course we do love each other, but by me living and staying and I risking losing myself and what I want? any words of wisdom would be great.

Are you sure you love each other?

If you do (both) and you want this relationship to go somewhere, then you need relationship counselling.

He needs treatment for his alcohol behaviour. It's not acceptable. Is there any way you could video him being abusive to you and play it back to him when you're both sober and calm? It may help him to agree that he needs help.

If you stay in this relationship, without help, you will not have children. You need to decide if the relationship is good enough in all the other ways for you to make that sacrifice.

Be at peace,

Z

Taltos

OP - I think you are already losing yourself slowly.

Think about it - why accept someone who clearly strings you along - and worse - someone who uses the cover of alcohol to verbally and emotionally ABUSE you - not just at home but in public in front of either people you know or strangers???

If you want kids - wonderful.
BUT... to have kids with a father like that????

Personally I think I would have to leave, not just for my plan for future kids (if I wanted them - I don't and am same age as you...) - but more for myself and my own happiness. After 5 yrs - how can it get better....

Ickle Magoo

He regularly roars at you as you cry in public? Why are you still with this man? Do you think that's normal behaviour?

You know when you are too embarrassed to honestly tell people about the extent of an argument, that it's not a relationship worth having. You have three choices;

Look at all the things you hate about your relationship, the advice, the upset, the hurt that he can speak to you and not even remember it, putting kids in that situation and how horrendous it could get under pressure, sleepless nights, money probs and you unable to leave because you're now dependent on him.

You can demand he get help for his alcohol and anger issues before you will consider remaining in a relationship with him.

You can leave and let him get on with it and set about finding someone who doesn't treat you like dirt the second they get a few jars on board.

Your choice - what do you want?

Best of luck OP.