Hmmmmm

LegacyUser

I was with my boyfriend for 3 years before with split a month ago and I feel like I'm not making any progress getting over him.

The way we broke up was quite sudden and the general opinion from friends and family seems to be that he treated me very badly in the end - almost like he turned into a completely different person and hardened towards my feelings. In the two weeks before the break up he let me become very close with his family, inviting me to family events at every opportunity. To be honest the real kick in the teeth was the fact that after 3 years he did it over the phone when ten minutes previously he had been telling me how much he loved me!

Now he has decided that he is emigrating, and doesn't know if or when he will be returning. He also decided to inform me that a major factor in his mind is that he doesn't know whether I'm his 'soulmate' or not and he thinks that after this length of time he should. In fact he really wouldn't want to be with me 40 years down the line!

People are telling me that I'm mad to want him back after the way he treated me, but in all honesty I still can't see it. Even one of his family members has approched me to apologise for his behaviour.

I have cut contact with him at this point and I'm trying to get on with things; going out with friends, starting new classes, trying to get some normality back. The thing is I can't seem to stop hoping he will come back and I know it's holding me back and that I shouldn't be thinking like this. Anyone dealing with anything similar?

neveah

It's only been a month, give yourself a chance. Fair play to you, you are doing all the right things to help yourself especially by cutting contact. Listening to his reasoning and excuses just aren't going to help you right now. If he does emigrate then this could be a good thing for you as you won't run the risk of bumping into him and it will help you close the door on that part of your life. At the moment you are readjusting to a new, different life. The good news is new and different is exciting!:D You're better off without him, especially if he treated you poorly. It's not unusual to want to feel like your ex still has feelings for you and I know you would be clinging onto some sliver of hope especially when the break up was so recent, but breaking up is a definitive action, he no longer wants to be with you, you now need to fully accept that but you are on the right track.

Keep up all the good things you are doing, there will be some ups and downs but things will balance out over time. Just go with the flow and don't contact your ex under any circumstances! Slowly but surely you will start to feel better

LegacyUser

Thanks Neveah! I suppose it is still early days. I think the reason I'm still finding it tough is because he is still telling me he loves me but that he thinks this needs to happen and that he doesn't think he will be able to get over me/look at other women for a very long time. Very confusing! To be honest I don't even know if he knows what he is doing or where his head is at right now - that isn't too much help to me right now though!

I've been through break ups before but never anything quite like this, it was all so sudden and as if he had been keeping an awful lot of secret plans to himself about what he had decided to do. He actually told me he was planning on stringing me along for another month until he left so he wouldn't really have to deal with it, I guess he just blurted it out in the end though.

neveah

Sounds like he hasn't a clue what he wants! It's not fair of him to be saying all those things to you. My ex was the exact same, he used to tell me that even though right now we couldn't be together that there was no one else he could eventually imagine marrying only me. Talk about mind f**king games! It prolonged my pain because I stayed in touch with him listening to all the BS. As soon as he found someone new I didn't hear from him anymore.

It sounds like your ex is about to embark on a new phase in his life, one that he has been thinking about for quite a while from the sounds of it. He is probably saying those things to you to keep you there, dangling from a string so to speak, that way if his new life doesn't work out then you'll be there for him to come back to and he would say 'but sure I always told you how much I love you'.

Cut him out! Let him miss you! Let him move on to whatever it is he wants to do. He is being completely unfair to you. Don't let him take advantage. I listened to my ex for far too long, don't make the same mistake! There are plenty of guys out there who won't be confused about how they feel about you, have fun seeking them out!;)

TitoPuente

Cut all contact. Never speak to this complete f**king idiot again. I have zero tolerance for this kind of emotionally abusive treatment of another human being.

LegacyUser

I went through a very simular situation at the start of the summer. After near 5 years of a relationship my GF suddenly decided that she wanted to leave. Without going into any more details, she treated me very bad and continued to do so for the months which followed. Only recently have I compleatly cut communication with her. It doesnt stop it hurting though, and just because she treated me so bad in the end it doesnt stop me missing her greatly. Here I am 3 months down the line and its still tearing me apart.

I have accepted ( in my head at least) that I am better off without someone who treats me that way. Im told that time is the only way to accept it in my heart.
Once you can realise that you too are better off with someone who will respect you all you can do is give it time and during the hard times keep reminding yourself that you are better and stronger without people like that..

LegacyUser

Thanks for your insight guys, it really is much appreciated

I've just been driving myself crazy the past couple of days. There's this girl that my ex was kind of friendly with before we met, they had been texting but it was all platonic as far as he was concerned, he told me before he never saw it as anything else. Now he's single again though she's back on the seen, and it's right in my face.

I do know it's none of my business anymore, but we were together a long time and I'm still hurting. I don't want to contact him, and he did tell me when we broke up he couldn't see himself with somebody else for a long time, but then again he's been full of surprises lately!

He is most definetly leaving the country for NZ in three weeks now. He says he is going for work and nothing else as he can't get a good job here and that he may be gone for 4/5 years.

I don't really know what I'm writing in for, think I just needed to get it out and get some advice. I can't seem to see the trees from the wood at the moment.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm in the same boat at the moment so believe me I know what you are going through. I split with my ex after nearly 3yrs a short while back and my head is all over the place.

Even though I always knew deep down that he didn't feel as strongly about me as I did about him, I loved him and love is blind!! However now i'm kicking myself that i wasted all that time on someone that didn't truly love me.

I've been doing all the usual things, getting out meeting friends, excercising more, thinking about taking up a class but to be honest i can't seem to feel any joy in anything at the moment. I miss him so much.

Sorry, i'm not actually giving any constructive advice but thought it might help to know that someone else is going throught the same thing and it does feel like crap, but i'm clinging to the hope that time heals all wounds and what's meant to be and all that....

Anyway hope you feel better soon x x

LegacyUser

CUT CONTACT! It's the only way you'll make any progress. He'll keep reeling you back in with texts and phone calls and 'it could have been differents' and 'you never know what might happens' and just keep giving you false hope that things might change. It's pointless. It's over and you have to be harsh with yourself about it. It's actually a good thing that he's going to NZ because you won't have to see him around, or hear stories of him with other girls you know.

thefeatheredcat

OP, well done to you on this - stay strong and stay tough!

All these secret plans and actually saying he was going to lead you on for another month wtf is with that?

Let him go to NZ or wherever his cold feet want him to, you're well rid of something nasty... him even telling you of his plans and the ex that's around again is either to put you down or get you to come running after him begging.

I'd almost be willing to bet that when he's in NZ he'll be asking about you when in contact with his family expecting you to be falling apart at the seams, so don't give him that satisfaction!

Fair play to his family though, they've noticed a change in his behaviour too and have seen he's treated you badly and probably feel that bit guilty and ashamed of what's happened.

He's lost out big time with his behaviour and I think if he came back from NZ with his tail between his legs, I doubt any of his or your family would expect you to be nice to him or take him back as he clearly doesn't deserve you.

Keep moving on with your own life and heal yourself, apply positive energy to everything you do and you'll meet a real man at some stage who'll treat you so much better

Princess Peach

My boyfriend broke up with me at the start of the summer, like 3 months ago and I'm still not over it, so don't worry about it not being normal!

I think about him all the time, and when stuff happens I'd love to tell him about it and I'd love for us to just hang out like we used to. I knew he was horrible to me at the end, but I really do think if he called me right now I'd get back with him.

This is how I am sure I'm not over him! We're still in contact. We go to the same places and have a lot of mutual friends so its easier this way, I don't want things to be awkward between us.

But I have seen improvements in myself over the few months in how I'm dealing with this, so just give yourself some time. One month of feeling low is nothing to stress over!

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, I know everyone is right and I should cut all contact but it's easier said than done!

I mean I know lots of people are going to NZ and these places for work, but don't you need experience in your field? He has none since graduating. And I know he might be extra lucky and everything might go his way, and he might stay there. But, (and I know well I shouldn't) I'm half hoping in the back of my mind that he gets the kick he needs to make him grow up. Then again I know even if that happens he may not want me back anyway.

LegacyUser

Hi OP...
Not sure if I have any constructive advice as I'm in the same position broke up couple of months ago but my ex ended up not moving abroad for work, which was the main reason we broke up, and having mutual friends means that I've kept my distance. I keep waiting for him to come round, wake up and realise that he's made a mistake.. but I don't think he will and what makes matters worse is I haven't told everyone because not that I don't want people to know just I don't want people fussing asking questions because I've trouble anwering them myself. Like previous posters if I was asked I'd come running...

All I can say is you are not alone and like you I've been trying to get pro active, getting involved more and get out a bit more but you are allowed those sad times, when you don't want to get off the sofa, that's what popcorn and chocolate is for (",) Keep smiling and there is someone out there who'll treat us like a princess, as L'oreal are forever telling us..."because we're worth it" (",)