Deadbeat Dad

LegacyUser

So my father left my mother when she was pregnant. She was a teen-18, as was he.
My mother and step-dad raised me and I called him my dad but they broke up when I was 12.
My mother had always been open that I had 2 dads from really young. I never had contact with my biol. father.
I met him once when I was 5. Then when I was 17 he randomnly appeared on my doorstep. I gave him a chance and agreed to meet up but then he never contacted me again (Even on my 18th, or for my leaving cert.).

I got a call a few months ago from him to say my grandad had been dying of cancer for 9 months and he had died and would i go 2 the funeral. I agreed out of respect, and had a really good time meeting my family felt very included etc. So i saw the family, dad, granny etc. on a reg basis. Till my Dad started not making an effort again.

I texted him the other day to ask if he could start giving me some money, while im waiting on a college grant/ job. Bearing in mind he has never given a cent in all 19 years to me or my Mother. Believe me i didnt want to ask it was just out of desperation cos my mam is struggling with 2 kids in college now.

He lives alone with no other responsibilities, I believe he's on the dole but does nixers all the time in construction/manual work. So imagine my shock when he replied saying that "Is all I base our relationship on the money that i can accrue from him?'...he also said that he was annoyed that i took for granted that he would just atm money to me when he cannot guarantee it every week...he said he has 2 pay 400 euro for a car crash but 'i wouldn't consider that would i?? '

I really dont know what to do Im very upset as i have given him numerous chances to walk back into my life after all he's done to my mam etc. and ignoring me for 18 yrs. Now i ask for a little help -anything, 2o euro a week even... just an EFFORT.

Does anyone have any advice? Im tempted to just cut him out of my life altogether but at the same time it's the law. I'm almost positive he's in the pub at least once a week. I just got a job so I'm kind of okay for a while. But still. It's the principle of it.

I dont want to make this a legal issue bcause 1- I can't afford it. and 2. Who wants to sue their Dad for maintenance?? If he doesn't care enough to care anyway...Ugh sorry for the long message just feeling a bit lost.

Thanks

Bloody Nipples

Being over 18 are you sure you're entitled to maintenance?

Neyite

i am sympathetic for your situation, however, as therealdealbaby said, if you are over 18, and you also have a job of sorts, i dont know what a judge would award your mother in terms of maintenance for you, especially since your bio-dad is unemployed. bear in mind with the nixers if they can be hidden from the social welfare then its unlikley that you can prove he has income from that source to a court.

having said that, i have no direct experience of maintenance issues, and wish you luck.

liah

If I got a lump sum for all the child support my dad owed, I'd be rolling in it.

My dad hadn't been in my life since I was 3 and around Christmas last year finally tried to get back in contact with me via facebook.

Turned out all he really wanted to do was blame my mother for a lot of things and just preach at me. Not quite the same as your dad, but the point is, he wasn't back in my life after all this time to be a father, he was stringing me along and messing with my head. And a few weeks ago, I just said fück it, and sent him a message basically telling him that when he was ready to be an actual father, I'd be there waiting, but until he grows up I want nothing to do to him.

I still haven't heard back.

Lay it on the table for him. Ask him if he plans on being a real father or a fair-weather one, because if his answer is the latter, cut him out. You got this far without him, you turned into the person you are today without him. What use is he now if he's not ready and is just going to make things more complicated?

But if he wants to be a real father, then tell him you need to see him making the effort-- the onus is on him, NOT you, to start to repair ties and gain your trust.

Though, if all you want is the money, then disregard the above. You can try to work out a scheduled payment thing with him, but if he is on the dole and isn't sure of his money I can't see it working out. You might just be stuck having to deal with the fact that he will never give you what you need him to give.

Xterminator

hmm

i understand where the poster is coming from. Perhaps what you are expecting from the relationship, differs from what he expects.

So perhaps you should have a good chat about what you do expect from him. not with anonymous posters, but with him face to face?

for instance perhaps he just wants to get to know you (initially at least), as a friend as opposed to a father daughter relationship. I mean things like trust take time, and have to be developed.

I would have though that if you both had a chat about what you are looking from the relationship before you asked for assistance, it might not have come as surprise to him.

If your father has a few bob, and you are stuck, i don't think its wrong to ask, but perhaps it was a little too soon into your relationship and hence his reaction.

we don't know what he is thinking. perhaps he has a partner telling him 'you better not give her money we need for our kids' in his ear or perhaps he has debts you don't know of. Maybe he doesn't. But there is a reason why he has reacted as he has, and it may be that he is not a bad person ...

Thenagain maybe he is. But i wouldnt let this ruin your possible relationship, without at least attempting to sit down calmly, and discuss the relationship you have, and what you hope to get from it, and where its going.

Given the potential benefit of maybe having a positive relationship with your dad i would recommend at least attempting this.

Finally, from your comments (deadbeat dad, left my mum etc) it seems you are carrying at least a little emotional baggage of your own into this.

You certainly cannot judge how he acted years ago, to your mum, without knowing both sides of the story. It doesnt excuse his not being around for you, but well usually theres 2 sides to every story, and there may at least be mitagating circumstances. If your coming into this with the mindset 'he has to make it up to you' well that might not be the best way to start out.

hope it all works out.

X

The Corinthian

Bloody Nipples wrote: »

Being over 18 are you sure you're entitled to maintenance?

Once he is in full-time education (s)he is entitled to maintenance until he is 23.

therealdealbaby wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice? Im tempted to just cut him out of my life altogether but at the same time it's the law. I'm almost positive he's in the pub at least once a week. I just got a job so I'm kind of okay for a while. But still. It's the principle of it.

Often single fathers are treated as little more than ATM's and over time can become oversensitive to this. They can try to be involved also, but circumstances, such as distance or poverty, and a poor relationship with the mother can lead to a situation when they realistically cannot and are effectively blocked from any kind of involvement.

However, in this case it appears that your father does not fall into this category. He's had plenty of opportunity to be there for you, especially now when he realistically cannot claim that there is any barrier against this. You've also heard his side of the story at this stage. Ultimately, as his child you do have every right to ask him what he has done for you as a father? This does not imply that he is an ATM as it also covers everything else he hasn't done for you.

You have a problem and have gone to your father to help. Even if he genuinely cannot afford it, it seems incredulous to me that he did not make an attempt to help you in some other way (he could have gotten you some part time work through his contacts, for example).

I dont want to make this a legal issue bcause 1- I can't afford it. and 2. Who wants to sue their Dad for maintenance?? If he doesn't care enough to care anyway...Ugh sorry for the long message just feeling a bit lost.

Suing him will not get you much outside of a sense of satisfaction. Being unemployed, you'll be awarded little and enforcement of any kind will end up eating up all your time. Additionally, what little relationship you have with him and, more importantly, his side of the family will likely be irrevocably damaged.

If I were you, I would go to your father's family and explain your problem. Do not ask for money though. His failure to make any effort, financial or otherwise, will go against him in their eyes and there is a good chance that either they will help you directly or put pressure on him to do so.

LegacyUser

Hey OP

Would you think of talking to your Dad in person about this and not over Text. I understand where you are coming from agree with you but sometimes texts can be misunderstood. you say

"I texted him the other day to ask if he could start giving me some money, while im waiting on a college grant/ job. Bearing in mind he has never given a cent in all 19 years to me or my Mother. Believe me i didnt want to ask it was just out of desperation cos my mam is struggling with 2 kids in college now."

"Now i ask for a little help -anything, 2o euro a week even... just an EFFORT."

but can all the above information be communicated in 1 text i don't think so. Maybe he sees it as a text out of nowhere asking for money.
I would say don't cut him out of your life without at lease having the conversation in person.

Also i don't think you should begrudge him 1 night out in the pub, you don't know how much he spends there...

The Corinthian

guest100 wrote: »

Would you think of talking to your Dad in person about this and not over Text. I understand where you are coming from agree with you but sometimes texts can be misunderstood.

Yeah, I'd tend to agree, doing this by text was probably not the best way to broach the subject:

HI DAD. CUD U START GIVN ME MONEY. ND IT 4 SKOOL. LUV JR.

LegacyUser

hey thanks for the replies just thought i'd clear some things up. I have and has my mam communicated this to him in person before!
First when I was a child, my mam was really struggling with money- i remember we were living on friend's couches for a while. She was worried about my future (she was working full time btw and still is) and he agreed to set up a bank account for my future or whatnot..he put in 80 euro a month and stopped after two months.

Then, I said it to him as we were starting to see each other again on a reg basis, you know in a tactical way. He said yes of course and asked for my bank details to put some money in when he could. I said thanks that means a lot. I didn't mind how much or anything just felt nice that he cared to. But again, to no avail.

Believe me, I do NOT think of him as a bank machine. I just think as a father you have certain responsibilties, by the law or otherwise to make a contribution to your childs education,food,shelter etc. It would be unfair in my eyes for my mother to struggle to pay for everything.

If he had no money I would not hound him for it but it's not just the money issue, it's that he has stopped making an effort to see me. Standing me up, ringing last minute to say he can't etc. Not texting or ringing 2 see how I am. It's always me who initiates contact so to speak. This started happening and i was really stuck for money so i text him and said 'I'm sick of you not making an effort. I makes me wonder if I should have given u a chance again at all.' - that was the text!! Not even a mention of €...

and he replies with the text i mentioned in the last post.

Thanks sincerely for the replies thus far. Hope u can help or this post makes things clearer

The Corinthian

Thanks for the clarification. Then, as I suggested in my first post, I would suggest you go to your father's family and explain your problem. Either they will do nothing, help directly, and/or shame/pressurize your father into action - albeit short term action - depending upon the nature of your relationship with them. Remember, they're your family too and have, according to you let you feel this when you met them.

metrovelvet

therealdealbaby wrote: »

hey thanks for the replies just thought i'd clear some things up. I have and has my mam communicated this to him in person before!
First when I was a child, my mam was really struggling with money- i remember we were living on friend's couches for a while. She was worried about my future (she was working full time btw and still is) and he agreed to set up a bank account for my future or whatnot..he put in 80 euro a month and stopped after two months.

Then, I said it to him as we were starting to see each other again on a reg basis, you know in a tactical way. He said yes of course and asked for my bank details to put some money in when he could. I said thanks that means a lot. I didn't mind how much or anything just felt nice that he cared to. But again, to no avail.

Believe me, I do NOT think of him as a bank machine. I just think as a father you have certain responsibilties, by the law or otherwise to make a contribution to your childs education,food,shelter etc. It would be unfair in my eyes for my mother to struggle to pay for everything.

If he had no money I would not hound him for it but it's not just the money issue, it's that he has stopped making an effort to see me. Standing me up, ringing last minute to say he can't etc. Not texting or ringing 2 see how I am. It's always me who initiates contact so to speak. This started happening and i was really stuck for money so i text him and said 'I'm sick of you not making an effort. I makes me wonder if I should have given u a chance again at all.' - that was the text!! Not even a mention of €...

and he replies with the text i mentioned in the last post.

Thanks sincerely for the replies thus far. Hope u can help or this post makes things clearer

One would tend to think that as a father he does have responsibililities and obligations.

However, for your entire life he chose not to be a parent. He didnt want the responsibility. He evidently still does not. Do not let him putz you around. You are eighteen now, you are already reared. He cannot be a father now, its kind of too late for that. He may want to be a friend, at best. You have to decide whether or not you can accept that.

The thing is most dads dont even think twice about supporting their kids. They pay for college, they pay for weddings, its a non issue. But men who did not want to be their for their kids, who did not want to spend time or money with them - its a totally different thing.

Im sure going to the funeral was seductive in its own way. The sense of belonging etc that it induced. But be careful there.

Do not do any of this by text. For one thing, it can lead to too many misunderstandings and it also gives him too much of an opportunity to hide either by silence or by passing the buck responses.

As my late uncle said "How much do you care? I care a fiver."

CDfm

OK OP

I am a divorced Dad and pay my way, some guys dont and to be honest you dont know what kind of state he is in financially or indeed what really went on between your Mum and him.

Now bear in mind I dont do what your dad does. So I dont want to say anything.Really you owe him nothing but it might be worth getting to know his family -your granny etc .

Some guys for whatever reason loose relationships with their kids and with the contact goes the take care of financially connection. It does and some guys are fairly traumatised by it. You dont really know the ins and outs of your parents splitting up.

Anyway, assuming he is on the level and has no money just accept it and dont make seeing him conditional on money.

You may be dealing with someone who has never grown up or someone who has to grow into responsibility. The correct way to handle it is to say -"well if you dont have it you dont have it and leave it and that". Leave the door open for future contact too.

This evening my daughter showed up with an empty purse looking for a pocket money advance as she was going to the cinema. I obliged.

So I can see your side and understand his.

Mary Hairy

O/P there comes a time in life when people find they have to stand on their own two feet. I have been self supporting since I was 17. It is a bad habit to get into thinking anybody, even a parent is obliged to give you anything. Some people are just mean and selfish. That is their prerogative. whn the shoe is on the other foot and they come to you for money, tell them to get lost.