am i wasting my time?

applecrumble

hi everybody, basically my problem is ive been seeing my current boyfriend for the past 9 months. We have known each other for the past few years and knew each other pretty well befire we started going out.

He has moved to a different branch now of the same company working totally oppisite hours to me due tosomething he has done in work. So now we might be lucky to see each other once or twice a month!! I was in a relationship like this before and i hated it.

It was his birthday recently and I took him out for dinner, we were havinga nice time and discussing our future, that we both wanted to buy a house together in a foreign country and settle there when we retire. I said it would be a great place for our kids to visit when we move there, yet he quite flatly said he didnt ever want children and didnt ever want to get married. He obviously seen the deflated look on my face and said, oh things might change!

Another thing is he is constantly going on about other women in front of my face to mutual friends and work colleagues, and leering agt women up in my face to the point where a complete stranger has come up and said it to me, which was quite humilliating and upsetting.

Hes also vey tight with money and if i was to go anywhere with him or do anything he asks me for my half right down to the last cent. Dont get me wrong I have always payed my own way and am quite happy to buy things for someone.

On the rare days we spend together he wants me to go to his place, bout an hrs drive to mine, yet he will only stay at mine when it suits him for work, if he has to be up early the next morning. He doesnt mind me spending time with his family, with us going on holiday to stay with his brother in Canada for periods of time and asking his parents to come on other hols with us. Yet when I asked him to come away with me and my father for a weekend he flatly said no.

I could go on and on, and despite all this I think i still have some feelings of love for him but a lot of the time i feel like crying over this.

Any opinions would be greatly appreciated, thank you, sorry bout the long post

Zen65

applecrumble wrote: »

I could go on and on, and despite all this I think i still have some feelings of love for him but a lot of the time i feel like crying over this.

Feelings of what? It does seem from your post that you are feeling very disappointed with him, at many levels. Do you genuinely have other feelings towards him, and if so, why?

Also, it's not clear from your post what ages you are, and that might have a bearing on his outlook?

Cheers,

Z

magneticimpulse

It doesnt sound like that either of you are on the same page. He is coming across as selfish and doing everything to suit him without any comprimise.

See how it goes, but doesnt sound like he is the one for you. He should make you feel better about yourself and not left feeling blah....which sounds like you are.

darad

You don't seem to be very happy. Why don't you split up?

inspired38

Sounds like you are wasting your time completely...

Whats he bringing to the party at all?

Regards

ApeXaviour

applecrumble wrote: »

Hes also vey tight with money and if i was to go anywhere with him or do anything he asks me for my half right down to the last cent.

In this day and age of equal earnings there's nothing really wrong with this unless you're severely disproportionately paying his way when he's got a decent salary. It's equivalent to not liking a woman because she doesn't cook and clean enough. You can not like it, but you can't complain about it!

That's the only issue I take with your post. For the rest it seems like you're making a list of reasons why this isn't working. People here will say "oh split up" like it's tearing a sheet of paper when really it feels like cutting off your own leg, gangrenous as it may be. Weigh up your future with this man, and how much you value your happiness and make a cold intellectual decision. Once you've made it and are fully committed, following through will be smoother for both of you (if you do decide to break up).

Darlughda

Any idea of what age area you guys are at?
25?
30?
35?

If he does not want kids, do you have any idea how rarely a man admits this?
If you do, there is a majority world out there of men who want this. Find one of them!

Just sounds like you are both a young couple torn with stuff.

S23

Darlughda wrote: »

Any idea of what age area you guys are at?
25?
30?
35?

If he does not want kids, do you have any idea how rarely a man admits this?
If you do, there is a majority world out there of men who want this. Find one of them!

Just sounds like you are both a young couple torn with stuff.

To start indirectly. Eh, its not rare at all. Or maybe most of the men (and women) I know are more genuine about whether they want kids or not. Also, for the record, there is nothing wrong with not wanting kids.

I don't have any direct or defintive answer to the OP's main question. All I can say is you seem incompatible. It does sound like he's selfish but it also (IMHO) sounds like you are stretching to find things wrong with him just to finally convince yourself.

I'm refering to
He doesnt mind me spending time with his family, with us going on holiday to stay with his brother in Canada for periods of time and asking his parents to come on other hols with us. Yet when I asked him to come away with me and my father for a weekend he flatly said no.

You have being going out 9 months. How many holidays have you gone on? Apparently you've spent 'periods of time' with his brother in Canada, gone on other holidays with his parents. But when you've asked him to go away with your dad for a weekend he's said no.
To be honest that sounds like a lot of holidays for 1 couple since January.

I think it might be at the stage where, after the initial honeymoon period, he hasn't morphed into the man you wanted him to turn out to be. Thats fine and its allowed. You sound irreconcilably different people to me. I've no doubt it wouldn't be an easy breakup but it sounds like it might be for the best

applecrumble

hi guys thanks for all the replies, i suppose in a way i am making a list of reasons why i shouldnt be with him, and yes i am very unhappy at the moment im just wondering am i over reacting about things, i just needed a little advice

In relation to ApeXaviours post, he earns quite a considerable amount more than I do and i would not expect him to pay more just because of that reason. Like I said I have no problem with paying my share, i should have clarified that if he pays one night ill offer the next, but its just the fact he feels it necessary to remind me of what he pays for on a conatant basis in case I "forget" its my turn. For his birthday i brought him for dinner, got him tickts for a show he wanted to see and bought him a bag of his favourite things, sweets and silly stuff. for my birthday he gave me a card which he gave to someone else to give to me. Im not saying I expected him to buy me lots of things or anything for that matter but even just for him to hand me the card himself.

Darlughda and Zen65 Im 28 and hes 35, I do still love him, why I dont know and I suppose this is whats stopping me from finishing with him, but I guess that when I look at the big picture I should be happy in a relationship and not feeling likethis

seenitall

OP, your boyfriend sounds stingy, selfish and inattentive, that's after 9 months (and that's not even going into the whole wanting different things from life dilemma), so what do you reckon he will be like after 9 years?

IMO, you are not over-reacting. Surely you deserve (and are able to find) better than that for a life partner?

Darlughda

applecrumble wrote: »

Darlughda and Zen65 Im 28 and hes 35, I do still love him, why I dont know and I suppose this is whats stopping me from finishing with him, but I guess that when I look at the big picture I should be happy in a relationship and not feeling likethis

i can almost hear your misery. Jayzus. Its not about shoulds.
Whatever about anything else is there any denying you feel miserable, but relieved when you see him?

This does not sound like a great relationship. but hells bells, I had to hang out a couple of years in that kind of set up before I could see the wood from the trees. So maybe you are about to make the biggest mistake of your life. If ya do ya do. If ya don't well you didn't.

So, make a decision if you can?

johnr1

"i just needed a little advice"

Ok, my advice is this GET RID OF THIS ASSHOLE ASAP !!!!!

"but I guess that when I look at the big picture I should be happy in a relationship and not feeling like this"

This is the type of post that makes me mad :mad:

Why the hell do people, both men and women, who ask for only the basic normal everyday acts of love and respect in a relationship and are met with this type of behaviour put up with it especially when the world is full of decent attractive people just crying out to give and recieve love and affection.

darad

No birthday pressie? Dump the scrooge!

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

It's equivalent to not liking a woman because she doesn't cook and clean enough. You can not like it, but you can't complain about it!

It's not the same as a woman not cooking and cleaning, because nowadays (in the 21st century) both sexes are well able to cook and clean. And the OP can obviously complain about her boyfriend expecting her to pay half because she didn't expect him to pay half when she brought him out for his birthday. If a man expects his girlfriend to pay half, he should return the favour when she brings him out (again, it's the 21st century, so women do bring men out-I think it's hilarious that you assumed that the OP was sitting around waiting for her partner to buy her things!)

LegacyUser

Hi, I feel for you and believe me I've been in your situation. I'm a 30 year old male btw. Have you tried sitting him down and explaining how his actions are making you feel and also what you want from the relationship. Hear what he has to say (or doesn't!!). I think, then you'll be able to make a proper decision if you want to continue or not.

I do agree with you though, lifes too short to feel that unhappy in a relationship. The guy should be enriching your life not sucking it out of you......

Distorted

I think he's stringing you along - by that in this instance I mean he is using you for the convenience of being able to have a girlfriend but he does not view you as having a long term future when you would hope to have one with him. Any of the issues you describe are alone enough to warrant dumping him. Especially the first one - that you only see him once or twice a month now. Working different hours is not an excuse for this. People make time to see those they love. And at 35, I have to say if he has not settled down yet and is ogling other women in front of you, he probably isn't a good bet if thats what you want. You would be better being single, as currently he is preventing you meeting someone better for you (and at 28 and single you would be a better catch than he). Get slightly angry and see the true picture.

As for the splitting up of bills down to the last cent. This would annoy me too. Its nothing to do with equality - with female friends I often treat them, or they treat me, I certainly wouldn't think much of someone who was penny pinching and mean. I think it illustrates deep down his feelings, and perhaps not just towards you. He may just be very selfish and controlling.

ManOfMystery

As above....

Your partner is meant to make you feel special, wanted, unique.

Doesn't sound like your boyfriend is doing this for you at all. And if this is only in the early stages of the relationship (the so-called Honeymoon period), then you can expect things to get worse and not better.

Although on paper there's nothing technically wrong with him being careful with money .............. it really wouldn't kill him to splash on a treat for you now and again - even just dinner, a nite out, etc. Especially if he's earning decent money. This is what many guys do simply because they love their partner and want them to be happy. Similarly, it wouldn't have killed him to make an effort for your birthday - it didn't even have to involve anything expensive, I'm sure a bunch of flowers and handing you the card personally would have been much better than what he actually did.

And asides from not even attempting to make an effort, he then leers at other women in front of you - making you feel even smaller again?

Add in the fact he doesn't seem to want children or marriage and it just doesn't seem like there's a lot of compatibilty there.

My advice would be to move on OP, at the age of 35 he should have an idea of how to behave in a relationship - he's unlikely to suddenly change now.

IrishEyes19

You sound very unhappy, OP, and you deserve better. Although I know its hard to just up it and leave. But this guy won't change. It's a common mistake we make thinking our OH will.

Zen65

applecrumble wrote: »

Darlughda and Zen65 Im 28 and hes 35, I do still love him, why I dont know and I suppose this is whats stopping me from finishing with him, but I guess that when I look at the big picture I should be happy in a relationship and not feeling likethis

I dislike the tendency of posters here to say "end it" whenever problems arise in a relationship.

But for you, in this situation, I cannot think of any better advice. You could be so much happier with somebody else.

Be at peace,

Z

IrishEyes19

Zen65 wrote: »

I dislike the tendency of posters here to say "end it" whenever problems arise in a relationship.

But for you, in this situation, I cannot think of any better advice. You could be so much happier with somebody else.

Be at peace,

Z

Never come across posters here who have said "end it" lightly...most people who post here about relationship problems are usually dealing with guys who have been mean, unfair, distant or pure rude in relationships and no matter what the OP has said to their OH, they haven't changed.

Fittle

People have a tendency to throw the word 'love' around without thinking more about it. You say you have feelings of love for him OP.

What EXACTLY do you love about him?

If you can answer that honestly, and can come up with a list of a few things, then hang on in there.

If you can't think of what exactly it is you love about him (and from your post, I'm not sure what that is), then it's time to move on.

shellyboo

applecrumble wrote: »

Darlughda and Zen65 Im 28 and hes 35, I do still love him, why I dont know and I suppose this is whats stopping me from finishing with him, but I guess that when I look at the big picture I should be happy in a relationship and not feeling likethis

The issues you describe - barely acceptable in a 21-year old, never mind a 35-year old. You're not happy, are you? So why stay? Because you think you still love him?

Not good enough. If you're not happily in love, then there's no point in continuing.

Emme

applecrumble wrote: »

For his birthday i brought him for dinner, got him tickts for a show he wanted to see and bought him a bag of his favourite things, sweets and silly stuff.

for my birthday he gave me a card which he gave to someone else to give to me. Im not saying I expected him to buy me lots of things or anything for that matter but even just for him to hand me the card himself.

Im 28 and hes 35

You're 28, you could do a lot better than this. He sounds like a jerk to be honest. It's ok to go 50:50 moneywise but it's out of order for him to remind you to do it all the time.

What shocked me was the birthday - you treated him and he just got somebody to give you a lousy card. :eek: If he wasn't man enough to hand the card to you himself then I think you should cut your losses. At 28 you are very eligible and you do not have to put up with this sort of crap.

Don't waste your precious time on this waster, instead enjoy life and you are more likely to find a decent partner who will treat you properly rather than an arrogant tightwad who strings you along and suits himself all the time.

He's sucking the life out of you AND wasting your time. If you want children you need to get a move on and find a partner who wants them as well.

Ickle Magoo

A relationship should be with someone you love spending time with and can't wait to see, someone who makes you feel good about yourself and reminds you what feeling special and caring about someone else feels like. If you are miserable and feel neglected and disrespected then what is the point?

All the best.

ApeXaviour

Apologies for continuing an OT tangent, I promise it'll be brief.

unregistered wrote: »

It's not the same as a woman not cooking and cleaning, because nowadays (in the 21st century) both sexes are well able to cook and clean.

I don't see your point.

And the OP can obviously complain about her boyfriend expecting her to pay half because she didn't expect him to pay half when she brought him out for his birthday.

That was said after my post.

I think it's hilarious that you assumed that the OP was sitting around waiting for her partner to buy her things!

Not sure where you got that from.