No closure in arguments

LegacyUser

Dunno where to begin here.

My gf and I fight like any other couple but when it comes to resolving our differences, I'm becoming highly frustrated by my gfs efforts.

When I have done something wrong, I own up to it with a heartfelt apology.

When my gf does something wrong, we don't talk. When we do, and I explain my side of things, almost always she says "well if you had said it in that way", then I wouldn't have done X. So when I am wrong, I am wrong, but when she is wrong, I am also made to feel I am wrong.

Last night we had a pretty big argument. We were having a discussion about something trivial. The same topic was also raised on a car journey the evening before with myself and my brother. I stated my opinion on the topic while driving in heavy rain-merely to be polite as I wanted to concentrate on the conditions.

Back to last night, I changed my views slightly. She became annoyed that I had changed my position slightly on the topic. I explained calmly that because I'm more relaxed, I can give my views properly now. She said the that the reason why it was different tonight was that it was because I am afraid to disagree with my brother. That was a sore spot for me because of a previous argument. I explained my reasoning again, but also said that i thought that her opinion regarding the reason why my story was different was "up her hole". I was pretty annoyed by that comment.

After a short argument, she then said that I said the "up her hole" comment first which LEAD to her saying that I'm afraid to disagree with my brother. She becan ignoring me, throwing eyes up to heaven etc. I was told that I was "twisting and turning things" and that "I was a liar". I have told her in the past many times that nothing gets me more angry than when she ignores my point of view during an argument. It drives me crazy tbh. I threw a cushion at the wall and walked out of the room. For the first time ever, I slept in the spare room. She called into me around midnight but I told her there is no way that things happened the way she said.

This morning, like the sort idiot that I was, I rang her first. She ignored my first 6 calls. When I got through to her, she was sticking by her guns. You know what, maybe she does think that it happened the way it did. That doesn't annoy me.

What I am annoyed about is that she said earlier today that "we'll just agree to disagree" but that "she know's that she is right". She wants to just go on like nothing happened, but once again, I feel like it's not good closure to the argument.

I'm afraid that things are going to go downhill fast if "I didn't say that, lets agree to disagree" becomes a valid way of ending such an argument.

For the record, I have ended fights in the past by admitting that I was at fault when I know I wasn't but it was beginning to affect me mentally and I told myself that I would stick to my guns. I actually convince myself that there is a chance I did say these things. I know I am right here, but she is not willing to resolvee the situation in any way other than "lets agree to disagree".

She's ignoring my call again.

I'm finding it all very frustrating

pollypocket10

To be honest sometimes you just have to agree to disagree. You are not going to agree on everything and you cannot expect your OH to change her views to suit yours.

I'm not saying that one person was right and the other was wrong, I'm sure that at one point or another both if you would have been in the wrong at some stage.

Your GF held out an olive branch and you couldn't let it go, so now she is doing the same thing.

Just forget about it and move on, couples have arguments & disagree, it's no big deal so just.. agree to disagree

Oryx

The ignoring your calls thing is childish and petty, and smacks of playing games, like she is trying to make you suffer till she decides youve paid enough. That along with the silly level of the row (picking at your words) sounds quite immature and insecure.

I dont know anything about you, all I can do is turn the situation around in my head, and see how I would handle a man who behaved like that. First, if someone rejected my calls, I simply wouldnt phone. I would avoid arguing on the phone in any case as its all too easy to get hung up on. Send a simple text saying you clearly dont want to talk, Im here when you want to phone me, and leave it.

The main thing in all this, is to stay calm and dont rise to the bait. Tell her you will discuss things calmly, or not at all. For gods sake dont tell her anything is 'up her hole'. If you can stay calm it means both of you will actually be listening instead of thinking of how angry you are.

At the moment this lark of agreeing to disagree means that one or both of you are left seething in resentment, and that will wreck what you have, eventually. She needs to see that. If she cant, and thinks its more important to enjoy staying annoyed at you, then leave her to stew, dont dwell on it, and see what happens. She will either come around or she wont.

Canluum

You sound like a horror to argue with...

These stupid things don't matter. You don't have to give in if you think you're right... but you look like a spa if you keep giving your reasons over and over and arguing a slightly tweaked version every time. She's better at it than you so just leave it. You're not being apologetic, just rising above the nonsense.

This morning, like the sort idiot that I was, I rang her first. She ignored my first 6 calls.

lol... 6! Why did you ring her 6 times? No wonder she walks all over you. Once is enough, then when she sees the missed call on her phone she can call you.

Kimia

Jaysus that sounds like a nightmare! You are both just in a bad cycle at the moment, you've gotten into the habit of both being really stubborn. At the end of the day, do you really care that much about who's 'right' etc? How exhausting to have to constantly defend your position on random nonsense!

Why don't you sit down and talk about this together? I'm sure she's just as frustrated as you, noone likes to fight! Why don't you both say to each other, look, we love each other, let's make an effort to communicate respectfully even if we disagree on certain things. Make a pact to not raise your voices (for example), or not to go to sleep angry, or whatever thing works for you.

LegacyUser

Im sorry but i kind of giggled when I read this thread, as my bf and I have these silly arguments also. I think that he never backs down and apologises, and he thinks I dont.

It is really frustrating when one is the peace keeper(me) and the other just takes all the "sorrys", however he thinks its the other way around and I think that is what is happening to you. It is very annoying when someone wont answer the phone, especially when you want to sort something out. Leave her for a few hours and I bet she will ring you.
Sometimes it is better just to agree to disagree, but dont be walked over about everything.

LegacyUser

I've been there.

She could argue in the heat of an argument. I could only do so slowly, rationally and with thought.

When I stopped to gather my thoughts she's think I was about to make something up. She'd say it and I'd start smiling at how ridiculous that was. Which made her think I was really making it up!!!! And you know what happens when you shouldn't laugh! aaagh

Also, I used to find myself apologising - never once did I get one back.

I couldn't deal with it - we split up and are mates - I do wonder how her present bf deals with it although she assures me that she has mellowed with age.

You are allowed to alter your position - it's done in normal negotiations.

Zen65

agreetodisagree wrote: »

So when I am wrong, I am wrong, but when she is wrong, I am also made to feel I am wrong.

OP, here's your choice:

You can try to get her to admit to being wrong,

or,

You can try to make the relationship work.


Want the relationship to last?? Just accept that she's not an easy person to argue with.

Be at peace,

Z

shellyboo

So you are having an argument about a comment that was about a comment in a discussion with your brother?

I think you need some perspective, dude. Why is this important to anyone? You, your gf? Why are you even still discussing it, never mind falling out over it? It sounds ridiculous.

If it's not a dealbreaker, a big, relationship-changing topic, just forget about the whole thing. Why does somebody have to "win" or be "right" when it's just a silly argument? Let it go. Life's too short.