Advice on how to move on with a mother who refuses to heal

LegacyUser

Hi, I am 32 years of age and i am about to start my own family. I have no relationship with my mother and i have been trying to find a footing with her for years but i just dont seem to get any response from her. There is a lot that has happened in the past and she was very badly physically verbally and mentally abusive with us growing up, we had no father in the picture, but i went onto therapy and worked through all that and found forgiveness in it all.

My mother has gone to therapy but in my opinion has never really gone deep enough into it to get the healing results, i feel she is in denial about the past and she great at talking the talk but not walking the walk. Every area of my life has really taken off for me over the last few years and i am living my dream at the minute. I really hoped that by the time i started my family my mother would come round and change and heal a bit, even just to have some sort of relationship, but the resentment and anger is so strong in her that she just cannot see me as an adult and she lashes out every chance she gets. She actually left me when i was 17 and moved away so the relationship is really nothing but a few emails a year. Recently she has told me that from the bottom of her heart she will never contact me again. I am worn out with the anger and resentment and i just want to find a better place for myself with it all, does anyone have ANY advice on how to live in the world while not having a relationship with your parents, how do you resolve it in yourself and accept it? Has anyone any experience of what i am going through, Thanks in advance XOXO

darad

Yes Ive had a similar experience. My mother beat me every day of my life, tried to stab me and said I wasnt fit to be seen in public, till I moved out at 21. Even then I bent over backwards to please her and at the age of 27 I approached the subject of her abuse, surprise surprise she denied it and said I was sick and needed help and that I was to never go near her again as she never wanted me and only had four beautiful children as opposed to 5. We didnt speak for 18 years.

I found my life so much easier without her in it and without the constant pressure to try to please her and make things be ok and to try and be who or whatever it was she wanted me to be. She lost out on my beautiful children and me. I got on with my life, it hurt not having a mother, it really did but it got easier. Not having her around was easier than having her if you know what I mean. She wasnt capable of being the mother I wanted anyway as she didnt love me it was just the dream mother I was pining for.

I have recently started seeing my mother again, through family at family events and its in small doses. Im a different person to the scared child I was back then. I feel sorry for her and I think, I have genuinely forgiven her for her behaviour as I know she was sick (not that shes ever said sorry or admitted being mentally deranged). I will never really love her, but Im ok in her company now in small doses.

Honestly the advice I can give you is to get on with your life, put yourself and your children first. Do what you need to do to keep your sanity because I was at risk of losing mine but regained the power that she had over me.

Good luck

Oh and never be ashamed, I know its not common for women to be abusers as such but they are out there and its not your fault x

LegacyUser

Hi Darad,

I really appreciate your reply, and you have long term experience with this so your hindsight is invaluable, She made things very difficult for me with my extended family over the years because she was able to scapegoat me as the silly child who needed therapy, but over the years people have come back to me and offered and expressed love to me and reached out for a relationship, so i have moved on with my extended family and i plan on spending good times with them in the future, i think that once you maintain your integrity the truth about you stands true, so the power that she had in the past over who i was has over time diminished, this has meant a lot to me to move forward because i am not on the edges of my family anymore and people really love and respect me.

I Have been having a lot of problems with my periods over the years and i am about to be assessed for endometriosis it has been very painful and debilitating on a monthly basis and has effected my fertility. I am seeing a trained kneisiologist and amazing healer and i have had such great results in my overall body mind and spirit, but apparently all my female issues are what contributes to the pain i am in in my female area if you know what i mean, so i really want to work on releasing any issues i have so i am not holding it in my body, I am also seeing a specialist doctor as well as part of trying to heal but i know my female relationship with my mother has a lot to do with it. The healer guy also expressed that i should move on and is helping me let go of my mum and sisters now, it is something i did not understand how to do fully.

I feel very relieved that i can move on now knowing i did everything i could to work on my relationship with her, I have created such a peaceful beautiful life in the country that i know i will not attract negative people into my life, and its good to know that when i do start my own family i have that clarity and knowingness moving forward.

Thank you again for your advice and hindsight it has been a great help, XOXO

dudara

You have worked hard and made yourself healthier and happier. You have also tried with your mother, with limited results.

I think the thing to do now is, simply put, move on. Just get on with your and stop trying to achieve something that may well never happen. You are just wasting your time. You'd be surprised at how many people get through life without a meaningful relationship with their parents. (Biology doesn't always make a family).

LegacyUser

OP, I'm not sure this is the advice you might want to hear, but I had to reply.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother too, but also found forgiveness to be something that helped me heal. My mother was of an older generation so in my 20s, she was almost 70 and was never going to change.

So while we fought and I moved out of home, only to move back home, only to move out time and time again...I only really healed after she died. Somehow, while she was still alive, and even though I did forgive her for her treatment of me, she kept sucking me back into my old ways of allowing her to treat me like cr1p. So I'd move away from her for months, only for her to contact me, fill me full of guilt etc, and then I'd move home again. This went on for years.

After she died, I was finally free of that awful cycle in my life and had no choice but to forgive her completely.

Im in my 30s now and like yourself, my life is very good at the moment. I often think of my mother, and as a mother myself now, I have no clue how she could have treated me the way she did. But I've forgiven her and have moved on. Even though I visit her grave and leave flowers etc, I am often glad she's not around now, because she would no doubt try to create the same environment for my daughter.
And I have learned exactly how NOT to be a parent from my mother.

I'm not sure that you can ever 'break-free' from a parent in the ultimate sense. I think they are always there somewhere, lurking in the background.
I wish you the very best of luck on your journey and apologies if this was not the reply you wanted to hear.

LegacyUser

Hi Y'all,

Thats cool unregistered, i know exactly where your coming from.... When my mother moved away 15 years ago the relationship really died then, i think i have mourned that loss and found my way out of the pain and hurt, we havent had much contact at all over the years, i think it recently came up for me because i am trying for my own family, and with my boyfriends family we have had such great results in the healing of relationships, but his parents wanted to heal with him and that is the difference i suppose.

What i was looking for this time was clarity, a final clarity and knowingness that it is all over, i have to accept that and respect that, sometimes when i dont talk about it enough i think the old thinking creeps back in, and i was feeling again like 'was there defo nothing i could do to make this situation better??' But now i know what i need to do and i am feeling very resolved in myself with the clarity.


The thing i find the hardest is that most people are always asking me how my mum is and my sisters, people who knew my mum would never have seen this side to her, she looked really posh and respectable and she would be the first person to advise others on abuse and what to do, i find it hard to explain why we do not have a relationship to others who ask.

darad

Op that used to happen to me. People would gush about my mother and say how wonderful she was and ask after her. I was too ashamed to tell the truth and always replied that she was fine and keeping well. One day I had enough and told the enquirer that she would know more than me as I hadn't seen or spoke to her for years. I think I won a bit if respect from that woman and certainly felt a bit better about myself for not having to lie and live with more secrets!

LegacyUser

It's unreg again.

I'm glad you know where I'm coming from OP, and I honestly didn't mean to say 'you need to wait till she's dead' to you - that's just the way it happened to me.

My brother was always very honest when people asked about my mother - in fact, he was too honest. He would say she was this and that, and that she was a horrible person and that he coudlnt care less about her etc. I had more respect for her than that - the woman gave birth to me, and (now), I firmly believe that she did the best she could do at that time (my dad was a drinker, my brothers were often in trouble with the law etc, so life was very difficult for her).

So I was more economical with the truth. I used to say that we didn't really have a great relationship, and that i hadn't seen her in a while. That was enough for most people to ask no more questions.

Funny enough, over the years, I've found alot of my friends now have the same toxic relationships with their own mothers - they never understood it years ago, when I was younger. But then my mum was the same age as their mum is now (back then), so she was older etc. I often wonder if her treatment of me was related to the menopause.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Thank you all for your replies just getting it down was such a great help and as the days have gone on i am feeling so much lighter, resolved and empowered. This has been weighing down on me for years because the confusion was just horrible, no one really wants to have to deal with the fact that cutting ties with your mother is inevitable for your future and happiness, so i am delighted with myself for having the courage to push forward and resolve it, there is really no other issues i have left to work through and i cannot believe that, when your used to having such a chaotic life choosing happiness can be hard but it is now my reality.

Sunflower, i had written a post back to you which i lost! but i really wanted to say hi because i have crossed your path before i think we were talking about christmas and families, but i remember thinking we had a lot in common and i think we were the same age as well, i am grateful you have shared your story with me so i can relate to others who are going through the same thing, i think i remember you had also moved to the country.

So All the best to everyone and thanks again XOXO

CDfm

OP - reading your post reminds me of that of a friend of mine.

A similar situation but it was her husband and his mother who had the problem. Around three years ago after seeing the tit for tat one Sunday she told the mother to leave her house and that she was only welcome back if she apologised to the house -her son, my friend (his wife) and two grandchildren -not for the abuse but for her bad behaviour putting the guy down that day. My friends husband is free to invite his mother whenever but chooses not too -though they do see her at her home and other family events.

Long story short -she hasn't been back but spent a few years of so bitching to everyone who would listen.

Some people have no concept that their behavior affects others and to expect them to change is unrealistic.

So OP you may want your Mother to acknowledge her treatment of you but to do so would mean that in her mind she gives up her power over you. Thats a tall order like asking a junkie to give up their drugs. It wont happen or if it is it will be shallow.

You cant change your Mum but you can change you - so stop chasing the acknowledgement and healing with her. If she says she is having therapy just say "thats nice" .When you wake up in the morning she will still be the same bat she has always been and you already have found out that she cant control the happiness and good things in your life.

So this acknowledgement and "healing" as you call it has become the new game. It only has the value you give it and if the value is nothing then the kick she gets from winding you up will be nothing. Game over.

My advice is to forget it and if you need therapy for yourself get it. Her acknowledgement is fairly useless to you anyway. If you want to see her out of a sense of duty or whatever do. Do it on your terms and on the basis that her opinion of you has little real value to you as an adult.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OP - reading your post reminds me of that of a friend of mine.

A similar situation but it was her husband and his mother who had the problem. Around three years ago after seeing the tit for tat one Sunday she told the mother to leave her house and that she was only welcome back if she apologised to the house -her son, my friend (his wife) and two grandchildren -not for the abuse but for her bad behaviour putting the guy down that day. My friends husband is free to invite his mother whenever but chooses not too -though they do see her at her home and other family events.

Long story short -she hasn't been back but spent a few years of so bitching to everyone who would listen.

Some people have no concept that their behavior affects others and to expect them to change is unrealistic.

So OP you may want your Mother to acknowledge her treatment of you but to do so would mean that in her mind she gives up her power over you. Thats a tall order like asking a junkie to give up their drugs. It wont happen or if it is it will be shallow.

You cant change your Mum but you can change you - so stop chasing the acknowledgement and healing with her. If she says she is having therapy just say "thats nice" .When you wake up in the morning she will still be the same bat she has always been and you already have found out that she cant control the happiness and good things in your life.

So this acknowledgement and "healing" as you call it has become the new game. It only has the value you give it and if the value is nothing then the kick she gets from winding you up will be nothing. Game over.

My advice is to forget it and if you need therapy for yourself get it. Her acknowledgement is fairly useless to you anyway. If you want to see her out of a sense of duty or whatever do. Do it on your terms and on the basis that her opinion of you has little real value to you as an adult.

Hi there, i dont know if you read everything that i wrote in my other posts but i did not think you understood where i was coming from. The scenario you mentioned is nowhere like my situation. I am talking about letting go of a mother daughter relationship forever, you have spoken about it from a very quickly judged view point like it was some tit for tat game, if you have never had to let go of a relationship with a parent then how can you know what it is like or what to advise?

In previous posts i mentioned that i had worked through my issues with my mother through therapy and found forgiveness. It is now 15 years later and i have got on with my life and built a great life for myself, over time we crossed paths again and we were back in each others lives for a time, unfortunately our relationship had died many years ago and it did not work out. You think you can just get over that over night? I know that it is best for both of us to go our separate ways and i can do that because i accept and respect who she is, i can now concentrate on living my best life and i have resolve with her now.

It took courage and responsibility to get to this place, and it was not an easy thing to do, to have someone just blasé-ly judge it like you have is pretty unconscious to be honest.
I wrote here to seek out other people who have experience with having to let go of a parent and dealing with that, i found great support from others who have had to come to terms with the same thing, you seem to be the only person who has no personal experience on it and very quickly judged the situation, something like this needs a lot of compassion and understanding.

username123

Hi OP - I had to cut both of my parents out of my life. My father was alcoholic, my mother was co-dependant. It was very very difficult and I suffered a lot of guilt and worry and feeling unsure - for many months. However as time passed I actually accepted it and went through a kind of grieving process - it had been a number of years since I had seen my father sober anyway, so he was kind of gone as the person I knew as my Dad anyway. I went to group therapy (alanon) and it helped me a lot. They both died in an accident some years after I last saw them, but I never regretted my decision. The toxic nature of their relationship, how they behaved towards each other and me, had made me both physically and emotionally ill - I did the best I could for myself by estranging from them. It wasnt easy but sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones.

CDfm

OP - I am sorry if I misunderstood you and I am not being blase about it.

What I am saying is that you cant change your mother and that she looms large there for you in a lot of ways. If she wasnt why have you been in therapy and why are you cutting contact totally. It is current for you in lots of ways.

It is probably a bit harder to navigate thru difficult relationships and keep in touch but lots of people do.

So I am just wondering why not and what is the benefit for you following all this forgiveness and cutting contact.

Can you see how it doesnt make sense to me because you are repeating what happened before.

LegacyUser

username123 wrote: »

Hi OP - I had to cut both of my parents out of my life. My father was alcoholic, my mother was co-dependant. It was very very difficult and I suffered a lot of guilt and worry and feeling unsure - for many months. However as time passed I actually accepted it and went through a kind of grieving process - it had been a number of years since I had seen my father sober anyway, so he was kind of gone as the person I knew as my Dad anyway. I went to group therapy (alanon) and it helped me a lot. They both died in an accident some years after I last saw them, but I never regretted my decision. The toxic nature of their relationship, how they behaved towards each other and me, had made me both physically and emotionally ill - I did the best I could for myself by estranging from them. It wasnt easy but sometimes the right decisions are the hardest ones.

Wow... thanks for sharing... yeah i feel when something is so destructive to your well being that it is a deal breaker. Also i dont feel like they were my parents, because we never had that in the sense of the word, so it is kind of like honouring what it is.

I am glad you said you have no regrets and i will take comfort in that for the future, cause i was wondering about that. Congrats on loving yourself enough to put your life first i wish you many blessing in your life, xoxo

username123

Femfatal wrote: »

I am glad you said you have no regrets and i will take comfort in that for the future, cause i was wondering about that.

The thing was, I didnt know Id have no regrets at the time because I had no perspective on the situation - because i was in it!! It was only after a lot of guilt and grief and working through my feelings that I actually realised I had done the right thing and never regretted it. I had to be away from the situation for some time to see that. Its hard to do it though, because you dont know at the time how you will be with it later. But to stay in the situation was worse - for me.