Intimacy woes/problems with image

LegacyUser

Hi, going unreg for this

I am, I guess you could say, your average teenage guy (I am 19). I am currently not in work, I am on the dole. I have a leaving cert but not sure what I wanna do yet. Live at home with my Mam. I like to go to the cinema, go out for a quiet few on the weekend, like anything really. Not important but just some background info

I get quite lonely as my mates are usually all busy during the week, which is understandable. My elder brother is in work all day and does not talk to my mother anymore (is moving out soon, fell out with her). This doesn't help at all, it's hard to live with it. My parents are divorced too since I was 7. My sister is in school till 4 and then sometimes goes to her friend's places or otherwise, so she is not at home a lot. My younger brother is in college into the evening on a daily basis. I don't know what to do with myself most days, I just sit around, and I end up getting quite depressed or just sad when I'm alone

As far as intimacy goes, I do like a girl but I know myself I have no chance at all of even starting a relationship with her. My track record is terrible, I've never gone out with a girl before or even experienced any type of intimate company with girls (I've only kissed one girl in my life and even then it doesn't count). I feel like a total loser. A person I know asked me was I seeing someone and I replied "No, I'm not really interested in women to be honest". She then asked was I gay. I thought she was joking at first, but she was quite serious. I replied that I wasn't. She didn't know what I meant by "not really interested". I'll try and explain ; when I think of my situation, and just the general idea of relationships it really upsets me. It's kind of ironic considering I have no track record or experience. Just from seeing it, and given I don't like how I look, I feel there is no reason anyone else will. I just think for me it would be a waste of time, no one would want to bother with me anyway (not being a sympathy whore but just trying to assess myself as best as possible). I do though, in the end of it all, want a serious relationship with someone. I just see so much of the throwaway relationships, where it's about money and looks, no one needs a personality to do well. I usually stay away from nightclubs because of this too. I know people are young but young people are usually not very mature when it comes to seriousness in relationships or treating people with respect

When I think of being intimate with someone it makes me feel bad, I am an emotional person and know how to say my mind, but when it comes to physical intimacy I am scared to say the least. It makes me wonder why I am not gay, that I am afraid of being intimate with a female =[

I think I have a good personality, I'm the person who holds a belief that I have no uniqueness or specialty to offer to people/benefit myself but I am more than willing to help out other people's lives in any way possible. That really makes me happy. When I think of the girl I like, I imagine how she is young and I need to respect that. Even though people really want someone who has a great personality I don't think that's all that matters. It's quite a noble idea that people should not base people on their looks, but at the end of the day it kind of matters, and in that field I don't do too well. I've had people tell me I'm good looking or cute or w.e but I don't really believe them. It's like I am missing the vital prerequisite, i.e, good looks, to even show anyone I am a decent person and suitable for them

I don't like how I look. I try not to look in the mirror. In the morning when I brush my teeth etc I usually do it standing offset from the sink/mirror, so I wont have to look at my face. Anytime I have to pass a mirror in the house I just turn my head the other way or avert my gaze. I usually change what I am thinking about when I do so, so I don't think about my image. Are looks really that important? If I just talk to people straight up will they not think I am a freak? I just want some way to break this vicious circle I am in at the moment, even though I may have created it. Every day is the same routine and I get very depressed over it. I'm young but I don't feel like it. Is there any way of me telling the girl I like that I do, without freaking her out or coming across as desperate?

LegacyUser

Op, there must be thousands of young fellas and girls in the exact same boat as yourself. Everyone is aware and worried about their image at your age. Some are just good at covering it up with a false bravado.

The fact that your parents divorced is affecting how you view all relationships. This is quite normal. Most people I know whose parents have had problems during their childhood or teenage years have intimacy issues, and are naturally cautious and slow to trust new partners. You don't want to bother with a relationship because you've seen the hurt and damage that can be caused when they break down. Well, you don't need to be in any rush to start a serious relationship. But, you should try to at least be open to talking to girls when you meet them and just being yourself. 90% of the time, it'll lead nowhere but it'll make you open up a bit.

One of my best friends was terribly conscious about his looks as a teenager, he got bullied in school and called names, and as a result never even spoke to a girl, never mind tried to have a girlfriend in secondary school. This fella was and is one of the most genuine, witty and down-to-earth people you could possibly meet. He just never bothered trying to get with girls. In college, for a couple of years, it seemed to continue on with this, he kissed maybe 2 girls in college. When a group of fellas and girls went off to Oz for a year, he ended up getting together with one of the girls who is so nice, really attractive and just loves my friend for who he is. They've been together 4 or 5 years now and couldn't be happier. As people get older, this is how it is. People learn to see through all the bu!!$hit bravado that teenagers build up and look for something more.

Don't be afraid to get out there OP and be open to talking to people. It doesn't mean you have to jump into a relationship with anyone, but it will make you more comfortable in yourself, and if it eventually leads to you meeting someone, well you can cross that bridge when you get to it.

Esoteric_

Tbh op, I think you need to talk to somebody about your self esteem before you can develop a healthy relationship with anyone.

Quite honestly, from reading what you wrote I can see why you're single at the moment. You were down on yourself throughout the entire thing, and if you even brush your teeth facing away from the mirror then your confidence is clearly at a zero. If you can't love or at least like yourself, how can anyone else?

I'm sure there's nothing actually wrong with how you look, but I don't think it'd be right for you to date somebody while you're so down on yourself, because those insecure feelings will eventually show themselves, as a relationship isn't going to give you the validation that you need. You need some confidence in yourself and then try for a relationship.

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh, I've been in your position and that's why I'm saying what I said.

Miss Fluff

How often do you exercise OP? I think you would benefit enormously from taking part in a group sport like a five-a-side team that meet up a few times a week. Exercise is the best thing for mental and physical health as well having a social aspect to it which I think would be really good for you also.