Facebook... again!

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

Just a little question, no big problem... I hope!

Basically I've recently got involved in a f**k buddy situation. Met the guy out, sparks flew, mad attraction, etc etc. Both of us agreed we did not want a relationship, timing wasn't right for me and just have to much on career wise. All fine, he seemed happy with this.

Now, he wants to be friends on facebook! He's sent a request and I don't know what to do! I think I don't want my f**k buddy knowing so much about my life, my friends, my work, etc. So I'm kind of thinking I will not accept the request.

I'm just a little worried that he may be getting into this a little bit more than he should. As in, could he possibly be falling for me? He texts and calls me all the time, not just for sex. He initiates all contact. Now, wanting to be friends on facebook!

Anyone been here before? Do guys actually get emotionally attached in these situations?

Thanks for any views, opinions.

Lux23

Sometimes they do, would it be so bad if it became a little bit more than sex?

Hank_Jones

You should just make it clear that you aren't interested in a relationship, just tell him that you don't want to be friends with him on facebook because you would rather keep your relationship (or whatever you want to call it) seperate from that.

I'm so glad I'm not on facebook.

finbarrk

He obviously likes you. Nothing wrong with that. Funny how you will let him have sex with you but not let him know other trivial stuff that loads of others know about you.
I'm glad I'm not on Facebook too!

darad

I'm on facebook but I'm glad I don't have f**k buddies!

TitoPuente

The fact that he's added you to Facebook is probably a good thing. It'll give you the opportunity to set the boundaries, reiterate that it's just a casual thing and ensure expectations are set for both of you.

Distorted

Some people add everyone on Facebook. He probably does want to know more about you, but knowledge is power...I wouldn't accept him. It would be like adding an ex on Facebook - there would have to be a respectable gap between last time having sex and moving to friends on Facebook. Some never make it. Keep the distance as he will only interfere in your finding a more stable future relationship.

whatsamsn

I have to agree with one poster above...you are willing to have sex with him but adding you to facebook is too far?

You say you dont want him to know much about you, but (and sorry for the harsh expression) but at the same time you let him get on top of you.
I think I have heard it all. I think thats a record for these forums.

You were intimate with this man, and yet you want to hide the trival things. The same trival things surely you already told him?


Fact is op you've out-lined you dont want a relationship. He agreed to that. So if he is falling for you... well thats tough. You already stated where you stood. But personally, I think you are more worried about him learning anything more about you other than what you've already told him.

Im sorry if im being rude. I dont mean to be. But surely you see how ironic this is. Question is tho, if you are into not letting people know much about you - then what have you already told him? ... Was half of what you told him BS or something? and by accepting the request he'll find out the real stuff? .... im sorry its just that what could be on your facebook thats nothing more than trival?

TitoPuente

Have to agree with the above a bit too I guess! You're willing to have sexual intercourse with someone and not willing to accept them as a friend on Facebook? Why on earth not? What are you hiding? Or, more importantly, what kind of crazy stuff do you have on your Facebook profile?

In all seriousness though, it sounds like you're just using this guy purely for sex and don't even want to develop a normal friendship with him. Personally that creeps me out. Drunken one night stands are one thing but that anyone could systematically use the same human being again and again as a piece of meat without any emotional attachment being on the cards whatsoever. Odd to me... but that's just me, I'm not here to judge. Having said this, I can't make head nor tail of what is actually going on in your head. Maybe time for you to cut ties with this guy?

Nevyn

A lot of people will have had sex with someone they would not have to thier house or would not be happy with them metting family.

Not everyone who has a fúckbuddy arrangement wants it to turn into a relationship.
And it is not fair to apply your moral standards on the OP.

If you don't want to add him then don't, if he mentions it say that you use it for keeping in touch with family and that it.

Whispered

I don't think the OP having a FB is the issue up for discussion at all. It's really none of our business who the OP decides to "let get on top" of her. Just because you wouldn't want a FB doesn't mean anyone has a right to question someone elses sex life. It's not like she lied to the guy. There is a huge difference between no strings attached sex and allowing someone share other aspects of your life.

OP, like a poster above said, it could be a good thing, it will allow you to reiterate your boundaries. Some people will add anyone to facebook although in your situation, I can understand why you would be uncomfortable with that.

EDIT: fúckbuddy <-- learning how to get around the swear filter from a mod :pac:

Miss Fluff

whatsamsn wrote: »

You say you dont want him to know much about you, but (and sorry for the harsh expression) but at the same time you let him get on top of you.
I think I have heard it all. I think thats a record for these forums.

Who suddenly called the Morals Brigade for back-up? I'm quite taken aback by your attitude to be honest. The OP had a specific question on the dynamics of her situation, she's not asking to be judged.

The very nature of a f8ck-buddy relationship is oftentimes sex without intimacy. Knowledge is intimacy and friending someone on Facebook is letting someone have a peep-hole into your life and activities.

Maybe he is just one of those plonkers who adds everyone he comes into contact with. Or, he could genuinely be developing feelings for you. Either way I wouldn't accept it if you see him as nothing more than a convenient Friends with Benefits. Being "friends" with him alters the dynamic somewhat. No harm maybe having a chat again about boundaries because it will stop being fun if one of you develop feelings for the other.

sbsquarepants

Jesus people, give the girl a break! When did this place turn into the legion of Mary? Who she sleeps with is her business, who she dates is her business, who she is facebook friends with is her business. There is no law that says she can't keep these things seperate, nor should there be!
Your problem op, is as old as time itself - the idea of keeping sex and emotions seperate sounds great to a lot of people, but the problem is most can't actually manage to do it, at least for any length of time.
If this was a one night stand odds are he wouldn't be pining for you, you'd most likely be just be a fond memory. But as the number of times you sleep together notch up, most people would find it hard to be purely mechanical about it.
Maybe your little arrangement has simply ran its course?

PS: You were straight with him from the start, you've done nothing wrong!

whatsamsn

why are people going on about morals?
i didnt see anyone mention anything against her having a FB. Including myself.

So she has a f*ckbuddy. Big deal. Its 2010.
My original post was about how she had sex with him but clearly has an issue with sharing basic trival things with him.
My point is that hasnt that trival information already popped up in conversations? like she has slept with the guy. Surely when she met him the general chit-chat revealed those trival things?
My original post was about the irony (sleeping with him but knowing anything more about her seems to be to going to far)

Everyone so far has said if he thinks its getting more serious. well he is wrong. op told him the story from the start. everyone agrees with that.

But .. Miss fluff,
i didnt mention morals. re-read my post if you want.
and 2, you say "friends with benefits" - thats cool. however re-read the OP's words. They aint friends.
Dare I say what if it was the other way around? a guy using a girl for sex. Would you still give the same advice?

Like this guy must already know a bit about her... full name or email. He found on her facebook.
If the op doesnt want him to be a friend on there solely because she fears he might want more - thats fine. fair enough. dont accept him. Everyone can agree on that one. But the op does mention she doesnt want him to know anything more than what she told him.



So op...
Simple. Talk to him. Say "I hope you dont think things are getting serious?" - just keep him in check. Remind him.
And also if you dont want him to know much about yourself. Well you have to define that aspect too. You defined that you didnt want anything serious. But did you not define you dont want any information being said?

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar position OP only I had no choice in the matter. My page was open and the FB added me without asking!

I've since put the person on a special list where only certain things can be viewed!

And for those giving you grief, ignore them!!! It's 2010 and we can enjoy sex for the sake of it and not have to get all emotional and intimate for god's sake!

Whatsmsn - you might only have trivial things on your facebook but many of us don't. I have a lot of my family on there, photos of family things, friends, etc. intimiate details of my life that I actually only want a select few to see --- i.e people who are real friends with me. Fu ck buddies do not fall into this category!!! As you said yourself, they're NOT friends!!! For a good Fbuddy relationship to work, the intimacy needs to be kept out of it....i.e. the personal details. Facebook is just too personal for some, including myself.

So OP you have two options - either send him an email and say that you only have friends and close family on there so you can't accept him or accept him and put him on a list where you can limit what he sees.

ApeXaviour

Have none of you heard of privacy settings? I partition some friends into groups so they only see the things I don't mind them seeing. No friends comments, only certain photos. I have it for one group of people I barely know, one group is censored from adult themed things (mother, young cousins etc). Only takes a few minutes to set up.

whatsamsn

moiaussi wrote: »

Whatsmsn - you might only have trivial things on your facebook but many of us don't. I have a lot of my family on there, photos of family things, friends, etc. intimiate details of my life that I actually only want a select few to see --- i.e people who are real friends with me. Fu ck buddies do not fall into this category!!! As you said yourself, they're NOT friends!!! For a good Fbuddy relationship to work, the intimacy needs to be kept out of it....i.e. the personal details. Facebook is just too personal for some, including myself.

You're right.
I dont have too much information about myself on my facebook. And its not because its my personal choice - its over the reality of things with facebook/social networking.

• Im guilty of posting my feeings on bebo once. Only had friends on there. I was going through a breakup at one point. Posting my feelings. Nothing major. Just general breakup stuff. What did my "friends" do? they were slagging me behind my back over what I post. I thought these were my friends.
• Friends gossip - thats just life. You could be posting random stuff and two of them could be going "geez, X posts some crap" - or you could post something that you just dont want to talk about. Then a friend asks. etc etc. I could go on.
• Past comments etc on facebook can be read - So lets say you are a private person. But someone new comes into your life (new partner/new friend) you add them. They can view what you might of said 6 months ago. Now not that alot would matter. But some people are nosey. It could be something you dont want new people knowing. All because you posted something at one time.

I know im probably sounding over board on this one. But thats life. You really shouldnt post anything that you dont want people to read/know. Its like you dont mind your friend john seeing this, but you dont want gary to know certain things. One could say well dont add gary? ... or how about dont post certain things you dont want certain people to know.

Not to mention some people are awful at spreading things.
You could post something sensitive about yourself on facebook. One of your friends just let someone else know that.