Am I A Monster?

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

I've been going with a girl for the past year now. She's 19 and i'm 25. And recently we've been having a number of problems. Her friends for some reason totally hate me and have accused me of things in the past which were totally untrue and they are now saying that i dont spend enough time with her and have been telling her that they find it strange that we are never out together. If i'm totally honest, I dont see this relationship going anywhere. But i cant bring myself to break this girls heart. I know she is totally in love with me and breaking up with her would hurt her real bad and i'd hate to see like that but i know deep down inside things arent right between us. There are problems in our relationship, i readily admit that, and they are down to us both. The other thing that is going to annoy me is that if i do break up with her, everyone we know will totally blame it on me and see me as a monster.

Am i a monster? What should i do here?

Advice greatly appreciated.

tinkerbell

Errr why are you calling yourself a monster?? Because you don't see the relationship going anywhere and want to break up? That's just how things go. If it's not working, just break up with her already.

Chinafoot

anon_guest wrote: »

Hi folks,

I've been going with a girl for the past year now. She's 19 and i'm 25. And recently we've been having a number of problems. Her friends for some reason totally hate me and have accused me of things in the past which were totally untrue and they are now saying that i dont spend enough time with her and have been telling her that they find it strange that we are never out together. If i'm totally honest, I dont see this relationship going anywhere. But i cant bring myself to break this girls heart. I know she is totally in love with me and breaking up with her would hurt her real bad and i'd hate to see like that but i know deep down inside things arent right between us. There are problems in our relationship, i readily admit that, and they are down to us both. The other thing that is going to annoy me is that if i do break up with her, everyone we know will totally blame it on me and see me as a monster.

Am i a monster? What should i do here?

Advice greatly appreciated.

Of course you're not a monster. However, staying with this girl when you know it has no future (unless of course you're prepared to work at it) would be pretty shoddy treatment. Break ups are crap but they're part of life and you need to consider whats best for both of you here.

As for her friends, well its none of their business and they have no place to comment on your relationship in that way. However, the fact that they are could be a sign that your girlfriend is unhappy with the relationship as it is and has been venting to her mates.

There is no nice way to break up with someone who loves you. Its a horrible thing to have to do but it would be better for you both in the long run.

neveah

Op you don't want to be with her anymore so you are distancing yourself from her and she is probably upset as a result. Her friends probably are on the right track with their feelings because they will have your girlfriend's best interests at heart. What she may be blind to, they will see clear as day. They can probably tell that you are just not that into her. Saying that though it's really not their place to get involved they should stay out of it.

You are not a monster but do this girl a favour and let her go. Relationships break up all the time, I don't think anyone will think you are a monster but if you continue in an unhappy relationship and don't treat your girlfriend right then that makes it worse. Broken hearts do heal and she will be able to live without you.

whatsamsn

Both chinafoot and neveah make good points from two different views.


Short answer: Break up with her.

Long answer:
If something isnt right in a relationship, and its not being worked on. The relationship always tends to get worse. And thats where real broken hearts can be gotten.

If you break up with her. Her heart will be broken. Maybe yours too (dont really think so tho - you seem to be worried about hers more than your own)
But from the sounds of it your relationship is just going to get worse. So what is worse? breaking up now? or as time goes by it gets really worse? maybe mistakes are made? .. things are said? ... actions happen?

So best to have a chat and breakup.

Mackman

break ups are horrible, but are a part of life.

Of course you wont be a monster for breaking up with her. You'll be doing her a favour. She will thank you in years to come

Distorted

If you're not completely into her (which is what it sounds), better to break up with her. She will be upset for 3 weeks, a bit sad for 3 months and then she will be over it. If you do the on and off thing or a half hearted relationship, she will probably become more dependent on you and feel worse for longer. At that age, 6 years is quite a large age gap in terms of maturity, particularly if she is quite an emotional type.

tbh

you're not a monster, no. However, if you think that putting off something inevitable makes it easier to deal with, you're mistaken.

Wompa1

I've been in that position before. After 7 months in a relationship it just really fizzled out for me and I started seeing things in the girl I didn't like. She was still a good person...but I actually kept it going for 4 months.

First because it was close to her exams and I didn't want to impact on that, then because christmas was coming up and finally just after christmas she came back to me from her home before any of her friends came back (I worked and she was in college, so college was out for a while)

I think it was a nice thing to do and a mean thing to do at the same time but I also look at those 4 months and kind of wish I had them back. Now there's your monster :P

Chuchoter

She's only 19. She'll live.

That sounds awful, but its a teenage romance. And there is no point wasting both your time on a relationship going nowhere. Its going nowhere now and it'll being going nowhere next year and the year after. Realizing that makes you a realist, not a monster.

katie99

You need to talk with your gf and explain how you feel and tell her you don't see the relationship going anywhere.
Be straight, be honest with her.

seamus

Ah I can remember seeing this happen when I was that age. At 18/19, people in their twenties are "old" and until you actually reached 21/22, you never consider anyone in their twenties to be part of your "crowd". What happens is that girls go out with someone 4/5/6 years older than they are, and their friends sometimes rally against the guy, seeing him as a cradle snatcher and an "intruder" into their generation, only out to rob their friend of her innocence and to stop her from having any fun. They'd rather their friend went out with a boy her own age.

The guy usually doesn't do anything to deserve this attitude.

When you break up with her, yes her mates will "blame" you and give you scowls across the room, because that's what immature people do. In a few years they will understand the reality of relationships and it won't be an issue any more. You haven't done anything wrong - you don't treat her badly, you don't cheat and you're not a twat. So how can you be a "monster"?

As others have said, the longer you draw it out, the more likely it is that the break-up will be messy and angry when it inevitably comes.

jamimon

You need to talk with your gf and explain how you feel and tell her you don't see the relationship going anywhere.
Be straight, be honest with her.

She's young, she probably not going to understand the words that is about to come out of your mouth.

crayolastereo wrote: »

She's only 19. She'll live.

Best answer.