When fbs are not a good idea

LegacyUser

Well, where do I begin? I'm 37, last serious relationship ended about 7 years ago. No sex for 5 yrs. I had learnt the problems sex brought, as I am an emotional woman (no, not a psycho or bunny boiler.), just someone who loves deeply and sex is something that is shared with someone I love.

However, years go by and I am dying for sex. **** it I'll try online dating. Crap results.

Then I tried a more 'adult' site. Met am amazing guy who for the first time in all these years truly felt right on all levels on every instinct. As I met him on such a site I was very cautious, but there was mad spark connection between us. He told me his name was Ken, (name changed!) and that he worked as a doctor, an anaesthesist specifically.

We both discussed how we were initially looking for '**** buddies', and after a couple of dates and phonecalls we both agreed that between us was not **** buddy material, much more like relationship stuff.

Then he had to go away to South Africa, where he is from, and needless to say those 4-5 weeks were really hard. When he came back we had sex, he told me he actually had a son, but normally never told his lovers about this!

I was overwhelmed that he had this kind of capacity for deception, but he had made so many excuses why he couldn't meet me citing so many obvious lies, I was now a little bit disturbed at why it had been easier for him to lie, rather than telling me straight out.

He explained to me that he was used to 'compartmentalizing' his life, and normally never told the women he was having sex with that he had a kid! He said that the mother of his child had died by suicide.

We spent a lovely Sunday morning on a beach and I never saw or heard from him again.

I know realise that he was obviously just looking for a straightforward **** buddy, but he gave me every indication this was different.

I am just finding it so hard to move on from this. If even I had some closure like a text or email to say it was over would be better than this hell, of just never knowing.

I think I fell a bit in love with him and he freaked, but surely that would still warrant some kind of goodbye or 'this is over etc'..

It has just been hell and I have ****ed up my life so much already crying and grieving about this.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to RI.

CDfm

Ahem OP you are having a casual sexual relationship from an adult site.

The terms of that is that you take the person as you find them and that is the deal.

So no deception here -but you got some disclosure at a later stage and did not like the story.

I assume he was a similar age to you and to expect someone of your age not to have a bit of a past is a bit naive.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Ahem OP you are having a casual sexual relationship from an adult site.

The terms of that is that you take the person as you find them and that is the deal.

So no deception here -but you got some disclosure at a later stage and did not like the story.

I assume he was a similar age to you and to expect someone of your age not to have a bit of a past is a bit naive.

Yes, you are right,, then of course but nonetheless, when we met for dinner the first time, it was like overwhelming fireworks or something as equally corny as that. Sorry!
But both of us felt it and talked about it, He ended up walking me a mile in the opposite direction either of us were going just because we were engrossed and overwhelmed by each other.

So, I tried being realistic about it, but he insisted it was something more, then when he went to SA for a month it was really hard, but every few days he would send me a text that would reassure me that he was missing me, as that what the text would say.

I said to him, everyone has baggage at our age and he lied outright on our first date. I know I should forget him but how?

LittleBook

Never2bposessed wrote: »

he told me he actually had a son, but normally never told his lovers about this!

I was overwhelmed that he had this kind of capacity for deception, but he had made so many excuses why he couldn't meet me citing so many obvious lies, I was now a little bit disturbed at why it had been easier for him to lie, rather than telling me straight out.

He explained to me that he was used to 'compartmentalizing' his life, and normally never told the women he was having sex with that he had a kid! He said that the mother of his child had died by suicide.

I think I fell a bit in love with him and he freaked

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he trusted you with some deeply personal information that he normally wouldn't share with "the women he was having sex with" and you freaked.

According to what you've posted, there was every indication that a real relationship was developing (despite how you two met) and him giving you these details indicates that also.

How exactly did you react when he told you? How do you actually feel about him having a son?

As for his "capacity for deception" ... when I was a single parent dating I never mentioned or discussed my daughter in the beginning ... she was none of their business at that stage. I understand you feel he lied to you but I think there's a valid excuse behind it, particularly concerning the circumstances of the death of the mother.

You should consider getting in touch with him.

Kiera

You went on to an adult site looking for a shag and that’s what you got. Move on. If you want to meet someone for a relationship and not sex then either get yourself out there or join a dating site stating you want a relationship.

If you only want sex then get back on to that website and dont let your heart get involved this time.

Miss Fluff

I honestly don't know what you expect. Why would you go on an adult site looking for NSA and then be surprised when that is what this guy was offering? You don't go on a sex site if looking for a relationship.

You seem to have no distinction in your own mind between "love" and "lust". They are two very different things.

You sent completely mixed signals!! You went on a sex site, you then turned around and told him you were looking for a relationship. He probably thought that you were being charmingly coquettish and letting him chase you a little before doing the deed so he played along. He got what he wanted (what you both said you initially wanted) so now he has moved on. In any event you have had a lucky escape as he sounds like a lying twat.

I guess your lesson from this is that you are obviously not cut out for NSA. As such, I wouldn't go looking for another hook-up on a sex site as you're obviously not going into it with your eyes open.

As for forgetting about it? Chalk it down as a mistake and move on. I wouldn't waste too much more time on it if I were you.

StarryMoon0

Just wanting to comment on the fact that he didn't tell you about his child.
Why would he/should he?

Ok, if you actually enter a relationship, then yes, you have to share certain details. Would you pick someone up in a bar for a one night stand and tell them all the details of your private life?? I sure wouldn't, and a site for sex meet ups is no different than a bar in that sense.

Maybe he was playing the game, telling you what you wanted to hear?
Then he disappears without a trace. I obviously dont' have stats and would never claim to, but I believe a lot of people on these types of sites are also married or are in a LTR. Hey, maybe he did really like you, but once he got home to his wife he put you out of his mind as he's already in a relationship and just wants a peice of cake now and then. Can't risk being with someone who might actually chase him, possibly find out the truth and get him in a spot of trouble with the missus.

CDfm

Never2beposessed wrote: »

Yes, you are right,, then of course but nonetheless, when we met for dinner the first time, it was like overwhelming fireworks or something as equally corny as that. Sorry!

Don't be silly it is not corny - I think its a lovely way to feel.

You just didn't know how to deal with the child issue.

But everything else you say seems bang on to me.

Are you still in touch OP ???

LegacyUser

Well thats it. He disappeared. Never broke it off with me. Nothing.

Found out he was later on that site and said that he had

'found the perfect fúck buddy, but suddenly a relationship happened and she started falling in love with me so had to extricaqte myself from that situation'.

Yes, I know it was an adult site. But there was and is no way what went between us was not real. I tried to contact him. But no replies.

I suppose I better get on with life and try to forget him. Somehow. It was so real. Why?

CDfm

A fb situation would not be for me because I am a bit of a romantic.

So maybe you have found out something about yourself including and that includes that you are good in bed. You also know that you have to handle issues surrounding if a future partner has kids from a previous relationship.

Well done you for being so brave and I hope you find your diet coke man

katie99

You were only dating a few times, you had sex. And then you are convinced you are in a full blown relationship?
He dumped you.
You strike me as being too intense.
Lighten up and get out there and meet some guys for fun.