how to learn to trust again?

LegacyUser

I've been badly burned a year ago OH had an affair and during this didn't give my feelings a 2nd thought.Even when i found out he continued seeing this person. I left him

Fast forward a yr he is so so sorry and says he will try anything to prove to me it will never happen again. When he looks back it was like he was someone else ect ect. He seems ver sincere and I would like to give my marrage another go.

one day I feel fine the next im consumed with suspicion and watching him even when there is no reason.

I'm doing my own head in so I'm wondering is there any ways to conquer trust issues or even get myself in a frame of mind where i can make another go of it thinking ok ill live for today and not watch his every move, be the fun person i was before and if he messes up it will be his loss as i will be one forever, is this mentality possible?

thanks x

Cheap Thrills!

You can't trust him again because he is untrustworthy. Your instincts are telling you not to trust him and they are right.

Listen all the patter he is giving you now is rubbish. I bet you any money he's been dumped or missing the comfort of someone who he can walk over.

Do yourself a favour and dont give him a second chance to burn you.

whatsamsn

Op,
you cant trust him.
Right now your emotionals are making you blind. Happens to us all when we are in the situation. Only when we take ourselfs out, or if time has passed by .... do we see things for what they really are.


Simple fact is this bloke is complete user.
He cheated on you and went off with someone else, he didnt care about you. Now that didnt work out. He doesnt want to be alone. Or wants a quick shag. So thats where you come back in. Try to get back with you. This guy is a snake.


Probably the best advice you could get right now is to try to think what it would be like if it was the other way around. You were dating someone, you get with another guy. BF breaks up with you over that. You continue to date the new guy. Fast forward a year. Now you are trying to get back with the bf.... what would you be really thinking/feeling about him? .... theres your answer.

LegacyUser

Thanks a mill for taking the time to reply guys.

I guess I want to believe he has changed. He treated me like a queen for the 7 years previous to this episode and during the time of the affair he was like a different guy (family and friends who know nothing of the cheating also thought this)

He seems to be truley sorry and will do anything to regain trust.

I also think seeing me leave him and grow strong and independant and not willing to take this crap opened his eyes

do most people think its not possible to get caught up in an affair for whatever reason then realise what you've lost and totally change?

thanks again guys x

Ickle Magoo

Hey OP,

I'm a great believer in listening to your gut instincts. If you are feeling mistrust and suspicion then I'd call it a day and find one of the millions of available potential partners out there who haven't cheated on you and broken your heart. I don't understand why you would want a relationship where you are constantly looking over your shoulder and looking at your partner is a constant reminder of hurt and deceit, you deserve better.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm a great believer in listening to your gut instincts. If you are feeling mistrust and suspicion then I'd call it a day and find one of the millions of available potential partners out there who haven't cheated on you and broken your heart. I don't understand why you would want a relationship where you are constantly looking over your shoulder and looking at your partner is a constant reminder of hurt and deceit, you deserve better.

Best of luck

But, maybe it's not the gut instincts of OP that is working, it's the fear of be cheated again working inside OP? Sometimes our fear/ emotion are very irrational and may not reflect a bit of the truth.

OP, talk with him again and again until you feel secure (then stay) or you are sure you can't trust him (then leave).

if he can't stand the talks with you, he isn't worth you trying to trust him again.

Cheap Thrills!

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

Thanks a mill for taking the time to reply guys.

I guess I want to believe he has changed. He treated me like a queen for the 7 years previous to this episode and during the time of the affair he was like a different guy (family and friends who know nothing of the cheating also thought this)

It's very possible to have two totally different sides to one's character. People are not all you see with your eyes. Anyone can cheat, the fact that he treated you like a queen for 7 years doesn't really mean anything other than he is mendacious and can compartmentalise his different 'sides' of his personality.

Peoples love styles are their love styles, he is all or nothing. I bet when he went all cold and cruel to you he was treating the other one like a Queen too. It's the way people operate.

Another thing I want to address here: family and friends know nothing of the cheating? Why not? You were cheated on and you left....did you keep the whole thing to yourself in order to leave the way open for you and he to get back together?

If so, that wasn't really a good idea. What you did there was enable him to trample over you. He cheated but hasn't really felt the consequences of other peoples disapproval, you were unsupported and maybe looked like a drama queen for leaving over 'nothing'.

I know it's tempting to keep things like that secret. It's embarassing and hurtful and you don't want everyone knowing your business but what you are doing there is teaching him that you will be the nicey-nicey 'stand by your man' wife. He wins all around.

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

He seems to be truley sorry and will do anything to regain trust.

Why? What's the backstory?

Where is he living? Do you two own a home together? Maybe running two households is hitting his pocket? Is he feeling the financial pressure?
Maybe your woman dumped him? Maybe she dumped him ages ago.

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

I also think seeing me leave him and grow strong and independant and not willing to take this crap opened his eyes

Ahh the scales fell from his eyes? No, the cruel truth is that he didn't care when you found out about the affair and didn't let your feelings stand in his way. Don't kid yourself that he has new found respect for your strength and independance.....look into things properly and find out his circumstances.....what is driving him back to you?

He sounds a selfish and coldly deceitful man. Don't operate on trust, operate on fact.

Anyway, you ARE this strong and independant person now. You don't need to go back to that bad old situation. When people go back history always repeats itself. If you take him back you are telling him it was ok to cheat, your only mistake was getting caught. He will do it again, he'll just be more careful this time.

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

do most people think its not possible to get caught up in an affair for whatever reason then realise what you've lost and totally change

It's possible but I'd say rare.

whatsamsn

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Hey OP,

I'm a great believer in listening to your gut instincts.

I agree. A persons gut-instinct is our most powerful too. Sadly alot of us ignore it at times in our life. Emotions and desires can cloud it.
So op ask your gut instinct. What is it saying?

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

.....do most people think its not possible to get caught up in an affair for whatever reason then realise what you've lost and totally change?...

Yes..but no.
This is not like where you quit a job that you were happy in to get another and realise you liked your old job more.

You say you were with him for 7 years previous to this. Personally speaking I say he got bored or wanted more. But rather than doing the right thing - speaking to you and being honest. Even ending things.
He decided to cheat. It was the classic staying with someone until someone else comes along as happens so much today.
See, you broke up with him upon learning he cheated. He never looked back. Because thats he did what he wanted to do.

Now... it didnt work out. You have to look at certain factors. Why did it take a year to contact you? if this was a genuine mistake why did it take that year? why didnt he say his sorrys back then? if he truly loved you? why continue to date the new girl?

Because he wanted it to work out with this girl. And it didnt. Now he is back to having nothing. I'd put money that his relationship with the new girl lasted that year (or near abouts) So thats roughly 8 years since he was on his own.

And that is his motivation for getting back with you. Because he has nothing. If you forgave him and opened your door to him again. He'll do the same again.

Its only my opinion. My two cents. But I think this is like an open book.

Ickle Magoo

30ssomethingwhostillbelieveinpeople wrote: »

But, maybe it's not the gut instincts of OP that is working, it's the fear of be cheated again working inside OP? Sometimes our fear/ emotion are very irrational and may not reflect a bit of the truth.

I would have to argue that feeling mistrustful of someone who's already merrily done the dirty is not something I would consider irrational. Sometimes when things just don't feel right, they just don't feel right and there doesn't have to be any rational, tangible reason that the OP can pin her feelings on, she just knows something ain't right or knows deep down that this guy is just not worth the risk and inherent worry.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

op here

Thanks for all comments so far.

Just to add a few points, the affair was complicated....more emotional than physical scared to say to much here. To be honest it hurt more than one based on lust.

We have been seeing each other over the year as we have 2 children. We have been civil but i wouldnt hear any talk of sorry, I wasn't ready to. He has tried but only recently we have spoke of it all. Our relationship had gone so stale and i was so moody,someone showed him attention and he felt good again, I'm not excusing it at all just giving more info.

He has been honest says the friendship lasted a couple ofmonths after i left until he woke up one night and thought wtf have i done. He says he has done nothing but analyse himself since and try figure out why he ended.

speaking of my gut instincts I feel he is being totally sincere and means everythinghe says but i neverwant to feel a fool again so my walls goin up. I also struggle to know i will never know every little detail.

Thanks for listening and giving your opinions x

StarryMoon0

You can learn to trust again, however, the both of you have to be 100% commited to working on the relationship.
Couple counselling paired with 100% open and honest communication is a good place to start. It won't be easy though.

Obviously there are circmstances we don't know here, so only you can decide if its worth the work/risk.

As my counsellor said to me "if you work to repair the relationship, and it doesn't work, at least you will work this through your system. WHen you go to the next relationship, you can start fresh and not take the baggage with you".

Not for everyone though..
Best of luck

jessiejam

He cheated - you left (why didn't he leave?)
He was dumped - he wants you back. (realised the grass wasn't greener)

So what you were moody, seems like you are trying to blame yourself for his cheating. Isn't that what marraige is about taking the good with the bad?

Talk about having his cake and eating it. If you take him back he will think he can do it again and get away with it.

Do you think this will happen again? Will every moment out of his company be awash with thoughts that he's at it again?

If you can survive him doing it to you again, why not try. But when and if you get moody some day is he going to go off and seek comfort in the arms of another woman?

I do think everyone is different, I know I wouldn't forgive him, no matter what the excuse. That IMO is a deal breaker and no going back ever. But if the issues ye had before the affair, and the reasons he strayed in the first place aren't fully resolved, his actions are going to eat away at you. Living like that isn't good for anyone.

BTW don't let him blame you for any of it. But whatever you decide, I hope you find happiness for you and your kids.

LegacyUser

hey OP here

Well he says he didn't leave as he didn't want us to end. At that time he reused to take responsibility as they were just 'friends'. Even though the firendship never crossed the physical line......it well and truley crossed every other line. I nearly had a breakdown but now im stronger than ever.

H e now admits that what he expected me to accept was ok was ridiculous and if i give him another chance his whole lie and everything he owns will be an open book?

I do feel he is totally sincere this time and don't think he would bother trying to win meback if he thought it would happen again but who knows

boarduser1980

ive seen too many ppl taking back the OH giving them a 2nd chance, cos they've 'changed' and 'so so sorry', once they take them back, they think they have them under the thump. s/he forgave me once , s/he'll forgive me again, its like saying 'yes no problem im a doormat, ill let you treat me bad'. and a year or two down the road, they're caught cheating again.

they cannot be trusted, they have done it once and got away with it , sure enough they'll do it again, you will only end up getting hurt all over again. If they had respect for you and cared for your feelings, they wouldnt have strayed in the first place. you deserve to be treated with some respect, maybe take him back the once then but i certainly wouldnt give a 2nd chance;)

CDfm

OP can I ask whether you love him and want him back.Move the stuff to one side and see what you see.

I was out with my parents over the weekend and one lady who had an affair twenty or so years ago was out with her husband and son for Sunday lunch at the same resteraunt.

I dont know if i could be as forgiving as her husband but it seemed to have worked for them.

LegacyUser

Yes I do love him but I also love myself so need to make sure I can move on from how I was treated.

I wish I had a crystal ball!!

katie99

Once a cheat always a cheat. How can you take him back, and fully trust him?
He realises what he has left behind, a great wife, beautiful children, lovely lifestyle.
Many a man has a roving eye for the women, but not all go through with their desires.
Your husband had an affair with another woman. Why?
Now a year on he wants to get back with you. Why?
He has hurt you enough. You are getting on with your life and he can see that you are independent of him.
So, that makes you more desireable. I would show him the red card and tell him you will never get back with him.
Let him shed tears, beg foregiveness, but DO NOT take him back.
He made his bed, now let him life on it.
Remember all the hurt you and your children have suffered as a result of his actions?
Why take him back? What guarantees do you have or that he can give you that things will be normal between you all? What guarantees can he give you that he will never, ever go offside again?
NONE
He didn't give diffly squat about you when he was with the other flousie.
She most likely gave him the boot and so he wants to get back with you.
You will be the biggest fool and used as a doormat if you accept him back.

Cheap Thrills!

katie99 wrote: »

Remember all the hurt you and your children have suffered as a result of his actions?

This.

OP, I like you would have softened in the past, to someone who hurt me again and again. But you know what I learned? All it does is set you back. YOU have grown stronger. YOU did that alone.

Yes, there will be so many questions if you dont go back with him. Number 1, always GUILT, did I not do the hard thing for my kids?

I know it would be neat and tidy to think this whole episode could end neatly. The kids would forget, he will go back to his old self. Well, to be honest, maybe he will !

Only YOU know.

The only thing I will say to you is this, life is not neat and tidy. YOU are a person equally as important as your children and a good mother? Yes. I bet you are, otherwise you would not be struggling so hard with this decision.

I want to say to you this, YOUR happiness is equally as important as the childrens, indeed you can not be the best mother you can be if you might go back. regret it, realise he might fail you all again and hurt you all again.

You know what? YOU will be the one that suffers mainly, for you will have to swallow your pride, your dreams, your self respect, your emotional equalibrium. Why should you have to do that? It will send a bad message to the kids, very bad be they boys or girls.

You are doing well now. You worked for that. It's totally your choice but I think you deserve to be happy.

As I said life is never neat and tidy, but there is probably someone loving, kind and constant for you. Someone who will respect you, maybe your ex has changed but it's up to you to decide.

Just realise you always have other options. I wish you the best of luck.

whatsamsn

katie99 wrote: »

...Once a cheat always a cheat...

I have to agree with that saying.
But I think there are two definitions to it. both just as bad as the other.

Yes alot are just cheaters. Doesnt matter who they are with. Its them. Their nature. They crossed a line with one partner, so cheating again isnt exactly a moralistic-changing experience.

But what also happens is where a person will cheat with one partner, but not with another. Its the whole "Not that into you" thing. AKA, being in a relationship with someone because it beats being single (which can happen alot) ... people cheat. But when someone they like comes along. Different story.


So either way one can look at that saying ... its true. Mainly when someone has cheated on you. Once they have ... no moving forward.

LegacyUser

hi OP. i'm going to go against the norm here - this happened to me 4 years ago, he started cheating on me (emotionally, which is worse than a 1 night stand in my book)... i then found out i was pregnant and he continued to see this girl even after i found out he was cheating and he knew i was pregnant.
so i left him, i had a miscarriage in the meantime and he wasn't around for that either..
forward 1 year i slowly started back in contact with him again, he's a completely different person but it's taken me well over a year to learn to trust him again...
i know i'll get flak for this but now we're back together again and it's completely different and i couldn't be happier... i've stopped looking over my shoulder and i trust him completely.
we are living together happily and i'm 6 months pregnant.
i'm not saying it was easy, in fact it was THE worst time of my life being alone during a miscarriage on top of the cheating and for reasons i can't explain, i have never loved anyone more than i loved him... and i seemed to have myself convinced deep down that he wasn't that bad of a person..
in my case it worked out but again, it's all based on the individual...
i reckon if you still have feelings for him, and add in the fact you have 2 kids together, i would make him work very very hard to prove that he has changed and that his intentions are honest.
don't rush in head first or he will think that he can get away with it again easily...
My 2 cents..

CDfm

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

Yes I do love him but I also love myself so need to make sure I can move on from how I was treated.

I wish I had a crystal ball!!

The real problem may not be the event itself but the future. Thats what would mess with my head rather than the pride and ego thing.

Its quite easy to be dogmatic when the person is not you. A friend of mine put it beautifully to me once "does she rock your world" when myself and my partner had had a huge argument.

So OP will you be able to focus on something other than the affair and be able to recommit.

How would you see your life panning out without him or with him.

LegacyUser

op here,

thank you all so much for the replies, it means so much. I have read all of them a few times and to be honest all have struck a chord in some way. I'm goin to keep thinking and not rush into anything. I've told him all I can offer him or now is a frienship and he should be damn glad he is getting even that - he says he is!

@ iminthesameboat - like you I do believe deep down my OH is a very good person but got caught up in something he shouldn't. It still doesn't make it ok on any level but does everyone deserve a 2nd chance?

I'm not going to rush at all and at the moment I'm totally unsure what path I'll take but I do know i I do give another chance I will TRY to ley go and it will be down to him.....if he messed up again I would be gone forever without so much as a talk.

jimmycrackcorm

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

Our relationship had gone so stale and i was so moody,someone showed him attention and he felt good again,

I'm not excusing his actions but maybe you need to explore this a little more. It's all very well to point out what he has done but you need to ask yourself is the root cause a shared blame - i.e. if your relationship had not been stale then would this have happened?

TitoPuente

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I'm not excusing his actions but maybe you need to explore this a little more. It's all very well to point out what he has done but you need to ask yourself is the root cause a shared blame - i.e. if your relationship had not been stale then would this have happened?

I'd have to agree with this. Everyone here seems to have opinions on the matter without actually asking about the nature of this 'moodiness'.

First of all, it's never okay to cheat. So I wouldn't profess to excuse this guy in any way whatsoever. What he did was wrong, end of story.

Having said that, being 'moody' in a relationship is completely unacceptable as well. Well - that depends on the nature of it. Silent treatment, withdrawl of intimacy and emotional unavailability, picking fights over nothing or any other forms of emotionally abusive behaviour can often serve to drive a partner into the arms of another. Oh, and before anyone says that systematic moodiness and cheating are completely different things, they're not. One is abuse the other is betrayal. They're both utterly wrong and unacceptable in a adult relationship.

OP - I'm not saying that your moody behaviour might have been severe enough to cause your OH to stray or find affection elsewhere as we simply don't know the nature of it. Perhaps you could enlighten us by what you mean by 'moody' or give us an insight as to the dynamic of your relationship before the affair started?

StarryMoon0

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I'm not excusing his actions but maybe you need to explore this a little more. It's all very well to point out what he has done but you need to ask yourself is the root cause a shared blame - i.e. if your relationship had not been stale then would this have happened?

Still, doesn't give him the right to cheat as a first option. If every man or woman cheated because thier OH was moody, going through a rough patch, or bit of boredom in the relationship, we'd all be in some right mess.

Fair enough, the cheater can justify thier actions, not saying there isn't a seed of truth in it, but its amazing how many people will go down that road instead of actually sitting down and putting thier cards on the table.

TitoPuente

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Still, doesn't give him the right to cheat as a first option. If every man or woman cheated because thier OH was moody, going through a rough patch, or bit of boredom in the relationship, we'd all be in some right mess.

Adults talk about problems and resolve them. Children get moody. If your partner cheats and your treatment of them prior to that could be considered emotionally abusive - don't act too surprised or take the moral high ground.

LegacyUser

Hi all,

OP here again.

I agree I play a part in the fall of the relationship, I got caught up in mundane life and when Ilook back I complained a lot and yes my sex drive declined lots (miss it lots now though) I realise now we both got stuck in a rut. We stopped looking after our relationship and I just presummed this was our life. I see now this was so so silly, hindsight is a great thing.

we did however still have an okish life we did things together etc but yes in some respects we were just going through the motions!

I still don't excuse his actions but I can see how we ended up here. I did try and work through this during the initial stage the 'friendship' but he could see nothing but the fun situation he was in by this stage

CDfm

flusteredbuthopeful wrote: »

I still don't excuse his actions but I can see how we ended up here. I did try and work through this during the initial stage the 'friendship' but he could see nothing but the fun situation he was in by this stage

It still is your decision whether or not to give it a go.

What do you feel and what are your instincts ???

People do survive either way but what would make you happy??

LegacyUser

hi

Well I would be happy if we could go back to what we were but i guess I'm so scared that I'll think I'm over it but the littlist thing will set me off and I have to be sure that wouldnt happen (can you ever be sure?) cause that wouldn't be fair on him or me.

thanks so much boardsies for helping me and taking the time to reply.

Its helping me so much just to type it!