Loosing hope of every being a Dad

LegacyUser

Its more just to put things in words than ask for advce so bare with me.
I'm 45 divorced and have been on my own for 7 years. Overall I am happy with life, But I keep finding myself thinking about the fact I may never have kids.
I've not been very successful on the dating front. The 'Lovely Fella' BUT tagline of my youth has followed me into my 40s.

I have found myself avoiding some of my longtime friends as their children have become the centre of their lives as I am so envious.

This week has really got to me as in work I do home delivery and in the last 4 yearsI have watched my customers children grow up from toddlers to going to school this week. To have kids coming running out to tell you about their first day at school made my day but also broke my heart.

Whynotme

So why not become a subsitute dad/grandad to some child? There are so many single mums out there with no male influence in their childrens lives that they would welcome you. You don't have to be 'bio dad' to be a father to some child. I am a yr older than you, have 2 grandkids, and have the benefit of being able to hand them back! Kids are wonderful, but hard work. To become a dad for the first time at your age (sorry being blunt here) can be devastating. Your life as you know it is gone, you are tied to routines etc, a hormonal wife/partner.

Become involved in some organisation that will fullfill that gap in your life. look forward not back!

Sound Bite

While i know its no substitute for your own, would you consider getting involved in with youth groups like foroige, coach a local GAA team or something similar.

There are lots of children who would love to have a male role model or father figure in their life.

Fittle

Well, what an interesting thread - I don't think I've ever heard a man articulate his desire to be a dad so well. OP, I really admire your honesty - I have a couple of brothers like yourself, seperated, late 40s etc and no kids and not one of them has ever said they have the need that you do. I have often wondered if they want kids themselves so it's refreshing to read your situation.

I'm not sure I have an answer for you however - as the mother of a boy who has no dad (well, a dad who has never been interested in him), I am coming from the opposite side of your story. There are many children out there with no father figures in their lives and men like you could really change their lives. I don't say that lightly btw - my son has just started soccer and I've already seen the impact that having no male role model has had on his life (he's much softer than his peers, not feminine, but certainly not as rough or tough as other lads his age who have male role models. See, I don't know how to be a man, so I haven't been able to teach him any of that stuff:)).

I wouldn't give up the ghost just yet however, you're still a young man and there are many women looking for nice guys these days...men can reproduce for eternity it appears ! My own dad was in his 50s when I was born - yes he was older than other dads, but that was a long time ago when 50 was considered old - I know of two guys who are 49 and both are about to become dads again.

Don't lose hope. Don't let it get you down. Join the youth groups others have suggested - in the states, they have this 'Big Brother' scheme which is a group of older teens who mentor younger kids who don't have siblings. I know there is a similar scheme for men your age, and also for grandparents - all mentoring kids who have no dads or no granparents - kind of like adopting a dad or a grandad! I doubt there is anything like that in Irl, though I might be wrong, but there are many organisations out there, crying out for men like you..
I wish you all the best OP - would that there were more men like you out there;)

SerialComplaint

I can certainly empathise. My wife and I went through fertility treatments some time ago, and it was really heartbreaking seeing (what seemed like) every one of our peers/friends/relatives having babies while we struggled through rounds and rounds of tests and treatments. My own low point was hiding in the loo in work when a good friend brought in her new baby - just couldn't face another one on that day. Fortunately, it worked out well for us in the end.

I'm guessing that there are lots of single mums who would love to see your enthusiasm for kids as very positive. You mention that you work in 'home deliveries'. I'm guessing that this doesn't give many opportunities for meaningful interactions. Is there any options for changing job to a more female-friendly environment, in the hope that you might meet more people. Have you tried online dating?

LegacyUser

Jeesh! You're only 45! You're a guy, where's the problem... I'm a woman in my early 30s and yet I worry that time is ticking away! Count yourself lucky!!!! You don't have that pressure. I'd love to meet a guy who wants to have kids now... or soon :-) but I have to hide that from most men cause it scares them off!

SerialComplaint

babybrain wrote: »

Jeesh! You're only 45! You're a guy, where's the problem... I'm a woman in my early 30s and yet I worry that time is ticking away! Count yourself lucky!!!! You don't have that pressure. I'd love to meet a guy who wants to have kids now... or soon :-) but I have to hide that from most men cause it scares them off!

I'd guess that it is probably your thoughtless and selfish attitude that is scaring them off.

metrovelvet

Fittle wrote: »

Well, what an interesting thread - I don't think I've ever heard a man articulate his desire to be a dad so well. OP, I really admire your honesty - I have a couple of brothers like yourself, seperated, late 40s etc and no kids and not one of them has ever said they have the need that you do. I have often wondered if they want kids themselves so it's refreshing to read your situation.

I'm not sure I have an answer for you however - as the mother of a boy who has no dad (well, a dad who has never been interested in him), I am coming from the opposite side of your story. There are many children out there with no father figures in their lives and men like you could really change their lives. I don't say that lightly btw - my son has just started soccer and I've already seen the impact that having no male role model has had on his life (he's much softer than his peers, not feminine, but certainly not as rough or tough as other lads his age who have male role models. See, I don't know how to be a man, so I haven't been able to teach him any of that stuff:)).

I wouldn't give up the ghost just yet however, you're still a young man and there are many women looking for nice guys these days...men can reproduce for eternity it appears ! My own dad was in his 50s when I was born - yes he was older than other dads, but that was a long time ago when 50 was considered old - I know of two guys who are 49 and both are about to become dads again.

Don't lose hope. Don't let it get you down. Join the youth groups others have suggested - in the states, they have this 'Big Brother' scheme which is a group of older teens who mentor younger kids who don't have siblings. I know there is a similar scheme for men your age, and also for grandparents - all mentoring kids who have no dads or no granparents - kind of like adopting a dad or a grandad! I doubt there is anything like that in Irl, though I might be wrong, but there are many organisations out there, crying out for men like you..
I wish you all the best OP - would that there were more men like you out there;)

There is a program in Ireland called big brother/big sister.

http://www.bbbsireland.ie/

The big brother programme in the US specifically targets fatherless boys and I think it would be great if IReland did the same but this seems to be the closest they have in Ireland.

Fittle, what I have found from raising a boy without a father is that you have to become the father yourself.

I think it would be great if we had a program for creating role models.

Im sure OP that there are plenty of women out there who feel the same as you and would love to find someone to build a family with. Maybe try dating some more. The nice thing about doing these things at an older wiser stage of life is you cut alot of the crap out because you know you don't have much time.

Ickle Magoo

SerialComplaint, it is against the rules of the charter to insult other posters.

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.
Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

LegacyUser

I don't see how pointing out the positive aspects of someone's life is thoughtless and selfish. If that's what you got from it - maybe that's you're issue. But then who am to judge!?

All I'm saying is: plenty of women in their 30s would be happy to meet a nice 45 year old guy who wants to be a Dad!

dellas1979

You got to look at the positives in this - there is no reason you cannot have kids unless you go out with/marry someone who is of non-childbaring age.

All Ill say is take inspiration from Julio Igesias.

My heart would really break for you if you were a woman of 45 typing the post.

SerialComplaint

babybrain wrote: »

I don't see how pointing out the positive aspects of someone's life is thoughtless and selfish. If that's what you got from it - maybe that's you're issue. But then who am to judge!?

What I got from it was your words "Jeesh! You're only 45! You're a guy, where's the problem " and " Count yourself lucky!!!! You don't have that pressure". I don't see too much 'pointing out the positive aspects there".

babybrain wrote: »

All I'm saying is: plenty of women in their 30s would be happy to meet a nice 45 year old guy who wants to be a Dad!

If that was all that you said, then that would have been a really nice, helpful and constructive post. You said a lot more than that.

I'm annoyed and concerned by posts that trivialise the OP's genuine and heartfelt issue. I'm particularly annoyed by posts that trivialise the OP's concern by comparing it to a female POV, implying that only women should be concerned about becoming parents. There are very real issues for men around the age of becoming a father. While a man can physically reproduce for ever, this doesn't mean that it is a good idea to become a parent at 50, or later. Do you really want to be the 70+ year old dad at your kid's 21st birthday? Do you want to have kids knowing that your chances of attending their wedding, or seeing your grandchildren is low. This is a very real issue for the OP and for many other men.

I have a funny feeling that if a few guys responded in this way to a women's issue, they would get a very, very different response.

Oryx

SerialComplaint, if you have an issue with a post, report it, and let the mods of the forum deal with it, rather than dragging the thread off into a separate discussion on the rights and wrongs of what has been said here.

Fittle

metrovelvet wrote: »

There is a program in Ireland called big brother/big sister.

http://www.bbbsireland.ie/

The big brother programme in the US specifically targets fatherless boys and I think it would be great if IReland did the same but this seems to be the closest they have in Ireland.

Fittle, what I have found from raising a boy without a father is that you have to become the father yourself.

I think it would be great if we had a program for creating role models.

Im sure OP that there are plenty of women out there who feel the same as you and would love to find someone to build a family with. Maybe try dating some more. The nice thing about doing these things at an older wiser stage of life is you cut alot of the crap out because you know you don't have much time.

I don't think Irl is ready for a BB programme unfortunately - I'm sure it would do my son the world of good. And also the 'adopting a grandparent' stuff - he often asks friends what grannies & grandads are like (he has them 3 miles away, haven't had the courage to tell him that yet )

OP, I don't think anyone is trying to underestimate your pain and I would seriously love if more men showed their feelings like you do. I would also like another child, but it's something I haven't dared tell any man I have been dating in the past while - it's like it's almost a negative thing to admit you want children at a certain age - Im not sure what some men are afraid of!
I would agree with the idea of changing your job to an environment where you could perhaps meet more women in a more 'everday' situation...????

LegacyUser

I really didn't mean to trivialise the issue I was merely giving what I thought was a bit more of a light hearted perspective. He IS only 45, I don't think thats especially old at all. And as for worrying about how old he could be at a child's 21st...I don't see the point, nobody knows what life has in store for them.

OP you could live to be happy and healthy into your 90s. I don't know what your experience with dating has been apart from being labelled a nice guy etc. but maybe if you know that there are women out there who would be glad to meet someone like you, you can be more positive.

As other posters have said it is good to hear a man speaking so honestly about this - perhaps many men feel that way but I personally don't hear it very often. As I said before, men shy away from women whose biological clock is obviously ticking because the reality is they have more time to play with...that has been my experience. I'm constantly trying to hide my fears and not appear as a stereotypical female with a ticking clock.

I guess I need to practice what I preach too and be more positive about my situation!

OP very best of luck to you, I know how it feels to want to have children so much that it nearly breaks your heart to be around them.
Here's hoping we both get our heart's desire - and soon!!! :-)

Mr. Loverman

You need to make sure you are doing everything to attract a partner.

Get in shape
Nice clothes
Clean teeth
Good personal hygiene
Etc.

And most importantly, spend lots of time around the opposite sex, and talk to them. It's a guaranteed way to meet someone.

I am absolutely 100% certain if you did the above you would meet someone. You've got to make it happen for yourself.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies

Loverman
I can honestly say your list can all be ticked. Family would never let me slip up there.
As for spending time around the opposite sex. I do. Very involved in clubs etc and have been the driving force behind increased female participation in my 2 favoured pastimes. work has a 75/25% split in favour of Females.

Re being involved with kids i have been coaching for 25 years and would have a bunch of former students who would still come back for advice etc even in their 20s.
Re the Job it has been the reason I have regained much of my love for life that dissappeared during my marrige, I do love the interaction I have with the kids each week in the regular calls and by having to chat to people (mainly women ) I've learnt to relax and be the real me of old.

Really I know I need to be proactive I was really just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I had got the 'You must have kids yourself your so good with them' comment from 2 new customers as well as the chat from the regular kids and it had hit home.

As for my willingness to be honest about wanting children. Thats just me

Elessar

Would you consider adoption?

cc-offe

At 45 there's still every chance of you becoming a dad, you have plenty of years left, first step obviously is to find a partner, have you ever used any dating websites, don't have any experience with them myself but I presume a lot of women are very open about what they want in the future from the get go, I'm not saying go and find a lady just to have a baby with her but a year or 2 from now you could have a blossoming relationship with plans for making a baby!