Afraid of Commitment - jobs/places

LegacyUser

Sorry about the rambling post...

I've just been reading about commitment phobia online and I think I may be afraid of commitment. Well, also, somebody said to me recently 'you never commit to anything and thats why you never achieve anything' - in a fit of anger, and I just thought yep - you're completely right. I'm not afraid of committing to a relationship but I am afraid of committing to a job or a career. I'm afraid if I start into a specific career I'll be stuck in a specific place - my home town - and type of work and that'll be it - excitement gone. I'm in my early 30s, female and the ironic thing is I'd love to be settled, I really want to have kids (I'm not in a relationship) but my life has been really unsettled because I have such a hard time making decisions.
I went back to college a year ago to gain more skills in a particular area that I'm interested in. The problem is I haven't done a thing to progress in that area since. Its partly laziness but I think at the root of that laziness is the fear of failure and the fear that I'll end up working so hard on that to the detriment of everything else - for example finding a partner and having a family which I know is a much stronger urge for me (especially being female and having a time limit on these things!) Just wondering if anyone knows how to resolve commitment phobia? I feel the route of it is not having the confidence to make decisions and I have avoided making a decision on anything for a year now - I'm an expert at it! But it is tiring, I don't want to be in the same position a year from now. I feel like I'm hanging, suspended in mid air with nothing to hold me down. I must be so conflicted wanting that freedom and yet knowing I need more stability and then rejecting it when its offered - as in being slow to pursue the opportunity to get back working in the area I used to work in.

So now I'm thinking of going back to the work I did before I went to college. That work is fine, its ok, I'm probably quite good in many aspects of it. I just wish I had tried to pursue what I studied in college...yet I don't feel confident enough...yet if I don't even try I'll never know and won't gain confidence etc. But then I worry about getting caught up in this... and failing... and not finding a partner because of being so focused on something I wasn't up to...ultimately being lonely and...it goes on and on.
So I know people may say - and quite rightly so - why not take up the old work and keep working on improving my skills in the other area. So I try and tell myself - yes, thats what I'll do - but its just that the work involves being in my home town and I just worry about whether its big enough for me to meet someone, plus its just not that exciting. I guess its the human condition to want freedom and do new things and at the same time want stability, how do I resolve that conflict...

Any helpful advice appreciated.

Kanoe

funny. The only times I've ever committed to anything is when I had to be practically nailed to it. Never really realised how much so until I read your post. I don't know if its laziness or apathy for the things/places/stuff, I think I just get bored very quickly and need to move on and find something else. The only exception being parenthood, which wasn't exactly on my list of things to do, but it's the only stability I've ever experienced, in any part of my life..and one was thrust upon me.
I don't know if it is fear of failure, or a pattern of learned behaviour. I do know if you really wanted to, you could research methods to change one or the other, start in the bookstore.

LegacyUser

Well thats the thing - I don't have any responsibilities, anything to 'nail me down'. The reason I posted this was because I was reading about commitment phobia and it said that people who fear commitment are afraid of being trapped and see decisions as permanent. Thats how I feel about careers and jobs. I've been like this for years, when faced with a decision about following a certain course of action - study, job, moving to a new place - so many people would say to me 'just try it, if you don't like it after a few months you can leave'. But the message never really got through I just saw the move or change as something that would have long lasting consequences that would fix me permanently into a certain job, label me, mark me, limit me for good. I eventually had to make a decision or have the decision made for me. Often I have managed to prolong making the decision for weeks, and months and stay in a state of limbo where I feel safe because I haven't committed to anything.

Calling it a phobia just seems helpful in some way because people always complain about how indecisive I am. It rightly annoys people if they are affected by my indecisiveness and they think I'm a bad inconsiderate person etc. Just calling it a phobia makes it more real and opens up my mind to the possibility that its irrational, maybe can be cured (say like the fear of flying)...and that I'm not a bad inconsiderate flawed person etc.

Sorry if this seems like a self indulgent post. Just wondering if anyone has any thoughts. As I said, calling this a phobia maybe means I can cure it - like through hypnosis or something? I really want to make a decision for once.

Kanoe

There's a few things that strike me about your post. First of all you have made a decision to make a personal change, achievement, tick. On the other hand the decision seems to have been spurred on by somebody else's opinion of you and while it's good to get feedback and advice from other people the only person who can really make the call is you. I wonder did the issue bother you before that.

The internet can be a great place for finding information, just don't forget to pack your ability to reason while travelling, all of us are searching for meaning in our lives and applying labels in some form or other gives us some sense of understanding of ourselves.
Calling something a phobia can have negative connotations though. Did you ever think that maybe you have achieved a great many things in your life, and maybe because you are the kind of person that you are? When you start looking at the negative you miss seeing the positive, so maybe it's just a change of perception that's required.

While I'm willing to bet your a Libra ...a lot of how we are is a result of learned behaviour patterns .. and without going all esoteric there are so many books available out there that can help you change those patterns. (I read a good book a while back called human givens and it touches on how and why we do this, which is interesting in itself)) and there are courses in life coaching starting up around this time of year that you might find suitable too.

Whatever you choose to do I wish you success.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replying zxy, reading over my posts I'm not surprised yours was the only one! You're right I am quite negative and to be honest have been surrounded by a couple of very unsupportive people lately. (not the person who commented about commitment). Met up with a friend yesterday and it was just great to be appreciated, supported etc. (I did have a look at human givens on wikipedia so its got me thinking a little about the things lacking in my life) I hate my procrastination problem I wish I could make a decision. I'm trying to tell myself that I can and am making a decision. Trying to follow my gut instinct but then I start thinking!!!
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, really appreciate it.