I cheated

LegacyUser

Hi guys I need a bit of advice......

I'm going out with my bf over 2 years. I love him to bits, he's such a fantastic guy.

Over a year ago he cheated on me, twice with the same girl, (he didnt sleep with her) I was so hurt by this and it took me a long time to get over it and trust him again. He has moved over to the UK for work.
The other night I was out with a few friends, I had alot to drink (I dont usually drink alot) Anyway to cut a long story short, I kissed a guy. I'm so confused, I've always said that i would never do the dirt and I hate people that do, I cant believe I did it, regardless of the fact that my bf cheated on me, we've actually become stronger since and we've built up alot of trust and respect for each other.

Should I tell him that I kissed a guy? I usually think honesty is the best policy, but i'm terrified, I don't want to loose him, he means everything to me, which sounds like a contradiction because of what I did.

I really cannot believe that I did this, I was always so against it and its left me very confused.

Any advice would be great.

Spaniola

this may be a little controversial, but i honestly think on the premise that this IS a once off, you want to stay with your bf, and there is little or no chance that he will find out...then i dont think you should tell him. In my humble opinion i think that as long as you are in love with him and want to stay with him, telling him might ruin your relationship and the only thing that it solves is relief of your guilt.

Your guilt is your punishment, and deterrent not to repeat it. If your bf wont find out, and you still want to be with him...then leave well enough alone!

CDfm

OP - you made a mistake but it wasnt "cheating" as in sleeping with someone but it was as acting single. When you are out watch the amount you drink.

Confess all, not really, it does make you a bit more human and probably a bit more forgiving.

It has keened your mind about what you value.

Chucky the tree

You's have been going out only two years and both of you have already cheated on each other? True love, you can't beat it! :pac: :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

chucky the tree, that was hardly a helpful comment.

Thanks for the reply's. I know that I truly love him and I know he loves me. We get on fantastically well.
However this incident has left me questioning myself, but maybe there were reasons for it too. He's over in the UK, I feel very lonely, and no matter how good of a relationship a couple have it is difficult to sustain a long distance one.

Zaph

Chucky, please remember that unhelpful posts can result in an infraction or a ban from this forum. I suggest you re-read the charter for clarification.

CDfm

advice needed wrote: »

Thanks for the reply's. I know that I truly love him and I know he loves me. We get on fantastically well.
However this incident has left me questioning myself, but maybe there were reasons for it too. He's over in the UK, I feel very lonely, and no matter how good of a relationship a couple have it is difficult to sustain a long distance one.

But OP have you planned on the future or do you see a future.

So rather than say definately what you really want are you fudging and saying well while he is over their I am going to put the relationship to one side and have some fun and justify it.

The other option is to end it. Which do you have in mind?

IrishEyes19

OP, if you really want this relationship to work, then make sure there's no way he'd ever find out if you intend not to tell him, as cover ups and lies have a nasty way of biting us back.

However, since you are questioning if this relationship is what you want, make this is the perfect reason to end it with him and explain the attraction isn't there anymore and distance has caused this.

LegacyUser

I'm questioning the relationship due to me cheating. I'm just saying that there may be reasons behind it.
I can see a future for us, I don't want us to break up but I am finding the long distance tough. To go from seeing someone pretty much everyday, to maybe once every two months is hard.
CDfm no thats not what I meant, I am not trying to justify my actions as such, but there are reasons for everything. It will not happen again.
I didn't sleep well last night at all, I would consider myself a person with alot of morals and i know it was only a kiss but its something I said I would never ever do.
Irisheyes i've omitted part of the story, someone that knows my bf saw me. now this person is a friend of mine and knows my bf through me. He said he wouldn't say a word that it was none of his business, he also said that ive been such a good friend to him that he would keep my confidence.

darad

Its only a kiss, put it behind you if you think you made a mistake, telling your boyfriend will only drive a wedge and its a bit tit for tat.

Canard

Ask yourself, if you didnt know he had cheated, would you want to know?

I dont get this whole 'dont tell shhhh!' attitude, its disgraceful imo. A relationship is built on trust and everyone always seems to think lying is the best way out. being blunt, you f***** up, time to take it on the chin...

Spaniola

Patchy - this *ssshhh* dont tell* you type of is purely because it was a small mistake, one drunken kiss, which could potentially ruin a relationship, especially if you now factor in the long term element of it.

So OP self introspection is good, you do need to establish whether the incident means something, and if it does then you can decide to tell your bf. it may mean that you crave the male contact, seeing as your bf is in the UK, nothing more.

once you establish how you feel about it then proceed from there. but if it was a drunken incidental then i would leave it alone (once you trust the friend that witnessed it, that he is not likely even to tell ONE more person...you know what a small place we live in)

i dont promote dishonesty in a relationship, but this seems to me a small mistake you made as you are missing your bf horribly and were drunk (maybe lay off this for a while)...dont beat yourself up too much about it.

greengiant09

I had alot to drink (I dont usually drink alot)

yawn!!!

Irisheyes i've omitted part of the story, someone that knows my bf saw me. now this person is a friend of mine and knows my bf through me.

yawn!!!

IrishEyes19

greengiant09 wrote: »

I had alot to drink (I dont usually drink alot)

yawn!!!

Irisheyes i've omitted part of the story, someone that knows my bf saw me. now this person is a friend of mine and knows my bf through me.

yawn!!!

OP, I'd only be worried if you couldn't trust this person otherwise let this die and let it go as one mistake that will never happen again. But I would only let that happen, as long as you could count that your friend doesn't let it slip to other friends and so on and so on. Or on a drunken night out if your bf comes over, that through what I call "vodka eyes" lets it slip what happened. Just a thought.

Wish you the best of luck

funky15_2

imo chucky is entitled to his opinion on this matter and the threat of censorship is completley uncalled for.. just because he hasnt sugarcoated it for the op and im not goin to either..

at the end of the day, same old story i love him to bits, was really drunk yada yada yada, seriously give me a break op...

if your in a loving relationship of two years it makes no difference if hes abroad or not, and previous posts stating that a druken kiss doesnt count are crazy... of course it does, so do the honest thing and tell him or carry on in a sham of a relationship...

LegacyUser

Funky I wouldn't have posted here asking for advice if I felt the excuse of alcohol was a good enough excuse.
I am well aware that what I did was wrong. In saying that I also know it is a ONCE off and I will not let it happen again.
My bf did not tell me of his discrepancies, a housemate of his told me. I am still undecided as to weather I should tell him or not and thats what I was asking for advice.
I have been in many situations before where I could have cheated but didnt, I dont know why this time I did. I totally regret it.
I know I truly love him but it has made me question myself as a person.

Ickle Magoo

funky15_2,

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Toots

advice needed wrote: »

Funky I wouldn't have posted here asking for advice if I felt the excuse of alcohol was a good enough excuse.
I am well aware that what I did was wrong. In saying that I also know it is a ONCE off and I will not let it happen again.
My bf did not tell me of his discrepancies, a housemate of his told me. I am still undecided as to weather I should tell him or not and thats what I was asking for advice.
I have been in many situations before where I could have cheated but didnt, I dont know why this time I did. I totally regret it.
I know I truly love him but it has made me question myself as a person.

I think if it were me I'd tell him. When he kissed someone else, I'm sure your finding out was made more painful by the fact that it was someone else who told you. These things always have a way of coming out in the wash, and I think it would be better if your BF heard it from you as opposed to someone else.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about it, yes it was wrong and stupid, but at least it was only a drunken kiss. It could have been a lot worse, you could have slept with someone else, or started seeing someone else. I'm not condoning it, but if it were my partner who cheated, I reckon I could forgive a kiss, because it can 'just happen' before you realise what you're doing, but to sleep with someone else, you have to make a conscious decision to do it.

TBH, some sort of relationship counselling might be a good thing for the two of you, considering that both of you have kissed someone else, there's obviously something slightly amiss in your relationship.

LegacyUser

toots thanks for the advice. I think I will tell him, the only problem is I want to tell him face to face and I'm not going to see him until November. I am not going to tell him over txt or on a call.

Although I appreciate your advice of relationship counselling I dont think it is something I would do and even if I did want to do it, it would be impossible due to my bf living in the UK.
My mum is actually a counsellor and I have talked to her about what I did, she has given me good advice and believes that I should tell him.
I dont know how he will take the news but honesty is a big part in all relationships so I will def tell him. Thanks for your advice

finbarrk

For gods sake will you say nothing about it. I'm sure if he is in the UK untill November he might kiss someone too and not say anything about it.

Princess Peach

I personally believe that drink is no excuse for things like this. I have been in sever states of drunk many times in my life but I can safely say I never "accidently" kissed someone or forgot the fact that I was seeing someone at the time. If I kiss someone its cause I want to. So I think that you must have wanted to kiss this guy. Have a good think about whether you want to be in your relationship!

I know many people use the drunk excuse but for me it has never happened. Might just be me though...

funky15_2

well put princess..

I have to laugh at people who think a drunken kiss in a relationship is something that can be brushed under the carpet... theres obviously been a lead up to that kiss in terms of flirting, inappropriate behaviour, etc, she didnt just fall and land on his face...

anybody with a shred of self respect wouldnt tolerate it in a long term relationship..

she put herself in that situation and most normal mature people would see a big red flag coming up before a kiss with a randomer, despite how drunk you are..

theres no grey area in this, its black a white.. whats wrong is wrong....

be honest with yourself op.. which i think you are being actually and tell the guy..

thats my two cents anyway.. Good Luck with it!

tinkerbell

I love how so many of these "I cheated" threads on here start with "so I went out last night and had a lot to drink". Drinking is not an excuse for cheating on the person that you are in a relationship with. The only difference between a drunken cheat and a sober cheat is that a drunken cheat might not remember it all in the morning. Drink does not make your brain stop working, you know full well what you are doing while drunk, you just may not remember it later.

I would tell him - a kiss can be forgiveable by some people but not by others. You need to tell him. And as for the friend who saw you? I can see that coming out, these things never stay a secret. Think back of how you felt when he cheated - well that's how he will feel.

And to be honest, you're only going out 2 years and already both of you have cheated so it sounds like the two of you would be better off parting ways. Cheating does not create a solid foundation for a relationship that will last the test of time.

So do the decent thing, tell him and he can decide whether or not he can forgive you.

StarryMoon0

finbarrk wrote: »

For gods sake will you say nothing about it. I'm sure if he is in the UK untill November he might kiss someone too and not say anything about it.

She should be able to trust that he will not do this, and he should be able to trust that she will not do this.

Where does one draw the line Finbarrk? On the off chance that he might grope a girl, should she grope a guy? Or hey , if he's likely off having fun she might as well too?

I'm just wondering where that rationalisation starts and stops...

CDfm

advice needed wrote: »

I'm questioning the relationship due to me cheating. I'm just saying that there may be reasons behind it.
I can see a future for us, I don't want us to break up but I am finding the long distance tough. To go from seeing someone pretty much everyday, to maybe once every two months is hard.CDfm no thats not what I meant, I am not trying to justify my actions as such, but there are reasons for everything. It will not happen again.
I didn't sleep well last night at all, I would consider myself a person with alot of morals and i know it was only a kiss but its something I said I would never ever do.
Irisheyes i've omitted part of the story, someone that knows my bf saw me. now this person is a friend of mine and knows my bf through me. He said he wouldn't say a word that it was none of his business, he also said that ive been such a good friend to him that he would keep my confidence.

OP you are getting very deep here. Do you love him or not or are you actively looking.

You are responsible for your own behavior and that does not include if the friend tells your b/f . Thats projecting and it hasn't happened and is a what if.

Its simple - you either did this because you were p***** or you actively set out to do it. The former is a mistake and the latter is intentional.

My point is that you are responsible for your own behavior and now that you know that you are capable of cheating while drunk you have no excuse to do it again.

What he may or may not do or has done in the past is irrelevant as this is about your behavior.

So whatever reasons are behind it from now on are based on decisions you make intentionally and that is the real you.

LegacyUser

thanks for all your replys.
I'm not a tit for tat kind of person so starrymoon i completely agree with you. When my bf did the dirt on me, it never entered my head to just go and do the dirt on him, 2 wrongs don't make a right as they say.

I am going to tell him, I know it was a drunken mistake, I did not set out to kiss someone.
Although I have to be responsible for my behaviour.
He deserves to know the truth. I trust him completely, he's my best friend as well as my partner. I'm just frustrated that I cant tell him for a number of weeks, I want it out in the open.

CDfm

I dont think you should tell.

It is very drama queenish and it is as if you are trying to sabotage the relationship.It is very much like "suicide by cop" to a relationship and it will cause a huge emotional upset IMHO on something that IRL was a non event.

You will get loads of attention and drama and that may be your reason for doing it. Hardly fair on the poor bloke working in the UK. Are you sure that is not why you are doing it.

IrishEyes19

Be fair guys, she never said she was right for what she did and I doubt she's looking for attention, who in their right mind enjoys telling their OH they cheated?

Secondly, I think she wants to clear her conscience, if you cheated wouldnt you want to do the same. It must be an awful moment if you meet up with your OH again, and they're talking about the future or something, and in the back of your mind you know what you did and they are oblivious, it's enough to make me get sick if that was me. And maybe this OP doesn't want lies in her relationship. If I was cheated on, I would want to know, wouldnt want to be the fool at the end of the day.

Thirdly, she drank a lot and kissed a guy, god sake like, I doubt she went out of her way to do that and then came on here asking for advice, would seem pointless.

OP, do whatever you feel is right, whether it's keeping it to yourself or telling him. Just be prepared for the consequences either way. Telling him could lose him it's a fact and not telling him, you may have to face that guy again or just having to deal with what you did when you see your bf again, either way, best of luck!

CDfm

OK its really nice to confess and maybe the OP will feel nice but how will her b/f in a foreign country feel. Not too happy. So maybe the guilt and bad feeling is the price the OP pays.

I can't see how it benefits him being told about something he does not know and then apoligising for it.

Sorry guys but you have lost me completely.

Princess Peach

The only reason I think you should tell him is incase that friend of yours tells him first. It will be a lot worse if you keep it from him and he finds out from somebody else. So think of how much you trust this person!

LegacyUser

CDfm I understand what your saying, but believe me it will be much harder for me to tell him than to keep it a secret.
I believe that without honesty a relationship cannot be strong. I don't think he will react overly bad about it, i'm sure it will upset him though.
I can trust my friend not to say anything, in fact he just sent me a txt today telling me not to worry about it and that he will not say a word. he also asked if I was going to tell my Bf to which I replied yes, he thought this was not the best idea but could understand where I was coming from.

Princess Peach

Maybe you could do a webcam chat to tell him? Just so its not weighing on your kind for the next couple of months

[-0-]

In my opinion it's only a kiss. If you do it again then I'd tell him. Sounds like a once off to me. If you do find yourself doing it again or wanting to... well then that's something that you need to address.

I wouldn't feel guilty either - he did it to you didn't he?

Now if you shagged someone on the other hand well it would be a completely different story.

CDfm

OP I think it is nonsense to tell him and people prefer stable secure relationships rather than dramatic ones or ones where they get hurt. I would prefer to see you say -lesson learnt and I wont be doing that again.

missmelo

Hi op,

Maybe you should leave it 4 a while to decide whether to tell him or not, it might be clearer to you later as now your feeling upset.

It must be hard on u (and him) that ye dont c each other so often, so maybe u were feeling lonely and craving male attention, you are only human after all, add that lil mix with alcohol and its not good(fair play to all the posters that never made a mistake while drunk, ye truly are legends).

Defo dont tell him while he is away this could make it very hard on him, i know i wouldn like that at all.
It was a mistake u know that cut yourself some slack, just be careful in the future.

Good luck

Ickle Magoo

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