I never hold a grudge.........is that a problem?

LegacyUser

This is gonna be a little hard to explain properly so apologies if I dont articulate the problem fully.
Anyway Ive recently realised that if somebody has done me wrong, been rude to me, treated me disrespectfully, taken me for granted etc., I dont hold it against them. I act as if nothing has happened. For example my ex girlfriend and I had several, eh, disagreements whille we were going out together. Pretty much six of one half a dozen of the other in terms of who said what to who. After we broke up I bore her no ill will but it wasnt the same for her, she let me know she was very angry with me and didnt want to ever speak to me again(and no I didnt cheat on her). Like I said it was 50/50 in terms of who said what to who so I have as much right to be angry and hold a grudge as she does. But I dont, its not in me to be angry with her, or anybody else for that matter.
Another example would be a friend of mine who would only call me to go do something if his girlfriend wasnt around. I wouldnt hold this against him but when I was going out with my girlfriend and he was single he got pissed off at me if he wanted to hang out but I couldnt because I was with the girlfriend.
There have been times when I would have a falling out with somebody or if somebody had offended or insulted me, I wouldnt hold it against them. But it doesnt work the other way around. I try to look at things from other peoples points of view, understand why they do the things they do. And when I do that I dont get so angry. But like I said, its not reciprocated. People in general just dont seem to forgive and forget, they hold things against others.
The problem is Im starting to feel like a bit of a doormat. Im tired of being the bigger person who doesnt hold things against others. Im starting to think I shouldnt be so understanding and should just do what everybody else does and hold grudges, dont forgive.

Should I? If somebody pisses me off or wrongs me in some way should I just not try to understand their point of view, just cut 'em off and have no time for them again?
Cheers

tbh

no - nobody but you should dictate the terms on which you live your life. As long as you're not allowing people to take advantage of you, and getting angry about it while feeling powerless to do anything about it, I'd say you have hit on a strategy for a happy and productive life

Zen65

too_easy_going wrote: »

If somebody pisses me off or wrongs me in some way should I just not try to understand their point of view, just cut 'em off and have no time for them again?
Cheers

Two Buddhist monks went for a walk, talking to each other about matters philosophical. They came to a stream where they saw a woman unable to cross the waters to complete her journey. The older monk carried her across the stream, wading up to his waist and holding her in his arms high above the water level, to keep her dry. After he put her down on the other side, he continued on his way with the younger monk, but the conversation was not resumed, as the younger monk did not speak. After an hour, the elder monk enquired what the problem was.
The younger monk exploded with rage:"You swore an oath of celibacy, yet you held that woman high up in your arms, touching her body against yours, in defiance of your oath".
The elder monk paused briefly and answered: "My brother, the woman needed my help, so I carried her. After I carried her, I put her down, but all this time you are still carrying her".

So it is with grudges. They harm the holder as much (and often more) than the person against whom it is held. If you have learned, OP, to see beyond the emotional response, beyond misgiving, then you have a skill which will see you through difficult times. You will keep your friends.

This is not a skill which will lead you to be a "doormat". As long as you treat yourself with no less empathy than any other person, you can avoid being used.

Be at peace,

Z