Partner dragging me down

LegacyUser

Bit of background, been with partner for 5 years, 2 small kids, relationship has been good, few ups and downs but mostly ups.

Since i've had the second baby my life has felt very complete, I've been really happy, happier than i've been in years and I've been full of life, problem is my partner is always miserable, never in a mood happier than 'just ok', He says he's happy and that the family feels very complete aswell just like I think, but I feel like my happy moods are wasted on him because he never seems to give anything back,

I have 2 great fun loving kids and I am happy and silly and upbeat and want my family home to reflect that. I know he loves me so that's not it, I know he's not cheating or anything like that and people are bound to say it but I know with 100% certainty that it's not depression so before anyone suggests that I just thought i'd get that in there.

I actually just think that this is what his personality has just 'settled' at and to be honest I feel so dragged down by it all. I'm starting to dread him coming home now some days. I'm considering leaving him over this and I know it might seem like a small thing but i feel like the life is being sucked out of me.

Zeouterlimits

Do you love him?
Go to couples counselling.
You have to make him understand that what you see as a negative outlook is hurting your relationship. He has to understand how serious this is for you.

LegacyUser

Thanks for advice, very helpful...I do love him, I think you've hit the nail on the head saying he has to understand how serious it is for me, I know I probably sound very selfish but my whole life I felt like I always did what other people wanted and never made decisions for my own benefit, I didn't get much love growing up so now that i'm happy myself I guess i'm not willing to settle for just ok, I want a happy loving home.

seamus

Is he under stress? Does he like his job? Is he getting enough sleep (as much as you can with 2 kids)?

You seem to be quite inwardly-focussed and selfish about this, and you're assuming that because you're happy, your partner must be happy too. "I'm happy", "I'm full of life", "He loves me", "He's not cheating". Maybe focus on how he's feeling instead of focussing on the things that affect you.

Perhaps he's bored by his job, or he's over-worked, or he has other things which he would like to achieve beyond his two-child family. I don't mean that maybe he wants to leave, I mean that perhaps he feels like he can't pursue anything because you've clearly indicated your total contentment and he feels that any changes to your lifestyle now would be unwelcome on your part.

Ask him if there's a reason that he's not happy like you are - don't assume that he's just a miserable old git.

LegacyUser

Thanks seamus, He's not overworked and he does like his job, we are lucky as we have too great kids we do manage to get enough sleep.

I don't necessarily see how I am being selfish, I am willing to walk away if he wants to be like that, I have no intention to 'force' him to change nor do I intend to nag him into it, I think I would be happy on my own eventually, I don't think he would be but should I have to stay to for his sake?
As I said in my last post, I didn't have a happy childhood, he did though so he should realise the importance of a happy home.

He does have other things he wants to achieve and I have supported him in that 100%, buying him the equipment etc and it's not true that he thinks he can't pursue anything else because he gets the support and time to pursue things that he does want to do, I'm not saying that i'm so content that I want my whole life to stay the exact same, I want us to have a great life together, whatever life may throw at us, but I want us to have be positive about things.

I have asked him if he's happy, he says he is so unfortunately it does look like he is just turning into a miserable old git

Ickle Magoo

Have you sat him down - sans kids - and asked what he's thinking? He could see you happy and not want to rock the boat but actually not be happy with things as they are. Are you a stay-at-home mum?

LegacyUser

Yep i've sat him down and asked him and asked him, he said there is nothing wrong, we do talk and he does tell me what's bugging him, we have a good relationship that way but I am finding it draining. I'm currently on maternity leave, due to go back in a couple of months but I might have an at home job coming up so I won't have to go back to my other one, he isn't working full weeks at the moment but we're fine money wise.

LegacyUser

I also accept that my personality has changed a bit aswell, Only in the last year have I dealt with my childhood and all the issues that sprung from that, this has allowed me to be a happier person and that is why I want someone to share the happiness now, Our life is great on paper at the moment, he's not working full time so he has time for other interests but yet we are managing well with money, we have 2 beautiful kids who are no trouble at all, I make an effort for him, cook for him etc, he has friends, hobbies etc, this is probably as good as it gets, I want him to be happy I really do and he probably is happy in himself but I find his attitude draining and that's what gets to me.

seamus

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Have you sat him down - sans kids - and asked what he's thinking? He could see you happy and not want to rock the boat but actually not be happy with things as they are. Are you a stay-at-home mum?

+1

dragged down wrote: »

I don't necessarily see how I am being selfish, I am willing to walk away if he wants to be like that, I have no intention to 'force' him to change nor do I intend to nag him into it, I think I would be happy on my own eventually, I don't think he would be but should I have to stay to for his sake?

He does have other things he wants to achieve and I have supported him in that 100%, buying him the equipment etc and it's not true that he thinks he can't pursue anything else because he gets the support and time to pursue things that he does want to do, I'm not saying that i'm so content that I want my whole life to stay the exact same, I want us to have a great life together, whatever life may throw at us, but I want us to have be positive about things.

Well I can only judge on the information you've given us, what I mentioned was just the situation as it appear from your opening post.

As I said in my last post, I didn't have a happy childhood, he did though so he should realise the importance of a happy home.

He had a happy childhood, I'm sure he cherished it, but he's probably not as concerned about the issue of a happy home as you are - to him, a happy home comes about naturally, it's normal and doesn't require any effort - whereas for you it's a watchpoint; you're vigilant about it because you know what an unhappy home is. He doesn't.

In reality obviously it's a half-and-half thing; if you worry too much about making sure everything is sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, then you risk creating an artifical, Brady-bunch atmosphere, which isn't healthy. On other other hand if you're too relaxed about it, then you risk creating a sterile, unloving and tense environment.

I don't know, you seem to be going from zero to 100 here over what appears to be very little. From an outsider's perspective, it appears as though you go around with a smile on your face all day, bouncing about the place, whereas he doesn't. But otherwise he doesn't project any negativity into your life. Yet you feel that this is something to leave him over, lest he "harsh your buzz"? That's odd, I've gotta tell you. He might not be a bright and bubbly character, but at the same time someone who is constantly miserable has something wrong with them. Nobody is inherently miserable all the time, there's always a reason for it.

I would strongly endorse Ickle Magoo's suggestion of a frank and open discussion, perhaps over dinner without the kids, or otherwise in an honest environment. Tell him your concerns, what's making you unhappy and encourage him to be honest back to you. Remember that this is a partnership, you have a duty to ensure that he's happy just as he has a duty to ensure that you're happy.

DamoKen

dragged down wrote: »

I don't necessarily see how I am being selfish, I am willing to walk away if he wants to be like that, I have no intention to 'force' him to change nor do I intend to nag him into it, I think I would be happy on my own eventually, I don't think he would be but should I have to stay to for his sake?
As I said in my last post, I didn't have a happy childhood, he did though so he should realise the importance of a happy home.

I have asked him if he's happy, he says he is so unfortunately it does look like he is just turning into a miserable old git

Sorry OP but a willingness to leave your partner because they aren't as happy as you is anything but a selfless act. And to suggest he might want to be like that is bizarre to say the least.

If anything that should be the very last option to even consider. You've said you've asked him was he happy and he said he is. But he obviously isn't from what you say. The question is why?

You also say with 100% certainty he is not depressed. I'm a little confused by that. Often people suffering from depression don't even realise it themselves so how can you possibly know with any degree of certainty???

When you asked if he was happy and he said he was did you point out that he doesn't seem to be?

Have you asked why he seems to be unhappy?

Have you suggested at anytime that perhaps he should see a specialist, or at the very least considering how this is affecting you, that the two of you go to couples counselling?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across a bit harsh but from what you've written the first thing you seem to be considering is jumping ship on the father of your children, the man you say you love but refer to as a miserable git purely because he is ruining your good moods. How you can't see that as even a little bit selfish is beyond me.

LegacyUser

You all appear to be getting me wrong, he's not ruining my buzz as you put it, it's making me unhappy and draining me, I added details about my moods so you could see what i'm like, I'm not going around all the time deliriously esctatic, I'm going about my days quietly content.
To explain how I know with 100% certainty why he is not depressed would require a lot of explaining which I do not want to get into, also I have experience of depression myself and feel like at the moment this isn't healthy for me, I'm not considering leaving him because he is unhappy, I didn't mean it like that....I guess what I mean is that I don't feel our personalities and temperments click anymore because of it, it's making me very unhappy...completely and utterly draining me and if it's making me that unhappy then the relationship is hardly going to be any good for either of us,
None of you have any idea what we have been through in our relationship, how much I went through in the first couple of years but I suppose coming on here and expecting people to take things at face value is too much to ask for. It's hard to explain with words your feelings when people can't see it themselves.
Thanks for your opinions

LegacyUser

Also to say that I am considering leaving him purely because he is ruining my good moods is completely wrong, if you want me to list out all the things that happened to us or nearly ruined our relationship then that's not going to happen, basically a lot went on, then while pregnant with my second child we had make or break talks, we decided we did want to stay together and I cannot help if I am becoming unhappy in the relationship.....can I? Maybe this is not what's making me unhappy but I think it is, If the issue is just as simple as our personalities do not match anymore then we can't work can we?

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry as i'm going unreg I'm getting behind on posts, I haven't suggested couples therapy purely because I don't think he would go, we had a few alcohol related incidents which he said he would go to anger management classes or some alcohol meeting and he didn't so I don't think he would go to couples therapy. I can forgive him for all those things, all the big things, the big arguments but when it's coupled with day to day negativity I find it hard to cope with it.

StillWaters

People are just giving advice based on the information given. Your last posts indicate that the issues are much deeper than a life outlook mismatch.

Who needed the alcohol meetings? Is he alcohol dependent? It seem two damaged individuals sought each other out, you have got yourself together, and are on the high that comes after that. He hasn't.

However, there are children involved, so you have to try everything before splitting up the family. Urge him to get help, tell him how serious it is, give him an ultimatum to attend the alcohol meeting.

Also, although you say you have dealt with your childhood, you seem to have a lot of anger stored towards your OH. Is this genuine or just transferred. Are you still in counselling?

LegacyUser

Thanks stillwaters for your post, Yes I know we have had our issues but I think we've mostly dealt with them, they're in the past as far as we are concerned, We actually talk a lot about our feelings to each other and always did which might surprise some people here.

It was him that needed the alcohol meetings....more so the anger management...but it was anger management related to when he was drinking if you know what I mean, He suggested them, we discussed it and thought he should go to them but he never followed through. I *think* he is just one of those people that goes mad when they are drinking, there is a history of alcoholism in his family but he's not alcohol dependant himself.

I might be coming across like I have a lot of anger towards him but I do love him with all my heart, I hope it's not just a high I am on like you mentioned and I guess thats what this whole issue stems from, if it is a high and I finally feel good after all these years then I want to stay this way, is it selfish to want to be happy myself.

I want to keep my family together no doubt about that, if I didn't then there have been many times when I could have (and should have) walked away but I didn't but at the end of the day a happy mummy is better than a sad mummy.

Believe me I have given him so much support over the years, I always did for everyone a lot of the times at the expense of my own happiness and that's what this whole issue is about.

I see a counsellor periodically, not recently, don't know what kind of help they would give me though, all the usual advice about these kind of things is to never stay in a relationship if you're not happy....but people here don't seem to share that view.I feel like while it's ok now it won't be in a few months when I have the life sucked out of me. So what do I do then?

The advice i've been getting here is basically to stop being so selfish, maybe I will make an appointment with my counsellor in another week or 2 so i'd rather just end this thread now because short of detailing every part of my life a lot of people on this thread will just try to turn this whole issue into something completely different.

_Kaiser_

dragged down wrote: »

Since i've had the second baby my life has felt very complete, I've been really happy, happier than i've been in years and I've been full of life, problem is my partner is always miserable, never in a mood happier than 'just ok', He says he's happy and that the family feels very complete aswell just like I think, but I feel like my happy moods are wasted on him because he never seems to give anything back,

OK OP.. you probably won't like my take on this so be warned...

Where in the above does what your partner might be feeling come into it?
It's all "me me me" - "my life is complete", "I've been full of life" etc.
Unfortunately it's not all about you when you're with someone 5 years and have two children together.

I actually just think that this is what his personality has just 'settled' at and to be honest I feel so dragged down by it all. I'm starting to dread him coming home now some days. I'm considering leaving him over this and I know it might seem like a small thing but i feel like the life is being sucked out of me.

To be very honest, my initial reaction on reading that was "maybe you should.. do the guy a favour". Now I'm not saying that to be smart-assed or cruel, but I'm trying to point out why others here have posted what they have. It's all still very much "me, me, me" to this point in your post.

dragged down wrote: »

I don't necessarily see how I am being selfish, I am willing to walk away if he wants to be like that, I have no intention to 'force' him to change nor do I intend to nag him into it, I think I would be happy on my own eventually, I don't think he would be but should I have to stay to for his sake?
As I said in my last post, I didn't have a happy childhood, he did though so he should realise the importance of a happy home.

Well the bit in bold had me speechless to be honest.. why exactly though should he "realise the importance of a happy home" though? OK I accept you had a hard upbringing, but as you say later on you've dealt with that, and I'm sure/would hope that he supported you through that, but with all due respect - it's not his fault that you weren't happy growing up either, and as you say he's definitely not cheating.
From what you've said, he says he's happy and complete so why not take that as face value?

He does have other things he wants to achieve and I have supported him in that 100%, buying him the equipment etc and it's not true that he thinks he can't pursue anything else because he gets the support and time to pursue things that he does want to do,

Well that's good. To be honest it's the first positive thing you've said about your relationship, and that doesn't involve just "you".

I'm not saying that i'm so content that I want my whole life to stay the exact same, I want us to have a great life together, whatever life may throw at us, but I want us to have be positive about things.

I have asked him if he's happy, he says he is so unfortunately it does look like he is just turning into a miserable old git

I'm still not sure at this point how you figure that. He says he's happy, he says he fulfilled and he's free to follow he's hobbies, so how is he turning into a "miserable old git"?

dragged down wrote: »

I also accept that my personality has changed a bit aswell, Only in the last year have I dealt with my childhood and all the issues that sprung from that, this has allowed me to be a happier person and that is why I want someone to share the happiness now, Our life is great on paper at the moment, he's not working full time so he has time for other interests but yet we are managing well with money, we have 2 beautiful kids who are no trouble at all, I make an effort for him, cook for him etc, he has friends, hobbies etc, this is probably as good as it gets, I want him to be happy I really do and he probably is happy in himself but I find his attitude draining and that's what gets to me.

I'm still not sure what you want from this guy. Fair play to you on drawing a line under what was obviously a hard time for you, but I still get the impression you expect this guy to be jumping around shouting "happy happy happy" all day!

dragged down wrote: »

You all appear to be getting me wrong, he's not ruining my buzz as you put it, it's making me unhappy and draining me, I added details about my moods so you could see what i'm like, I'm not going around all the time deliriously esctatic, I'm going about my days quietly content.

One minute you say you're considering leaving him, the next you're "quietly content"?

I guess what I mean is that I don't feel our personalities and temperments click anymore because of it, it's making me very unhappy...completely and utterly draining me and if it's making me that unhappy then the relationship is hardly going to be any good for either of us,

Now we're gettig somewhere, and you're right - if this is how you feel then there's something a lot more fundamental that's missing between you.

None of you have any idea what we have been through in our relationship, how much I went through in the first couple of years but I suppose coming on here and expecting people to take things at face value is too much to ask for. It's hard to explain with words your feelings when people can't see it themselves.

To be fair here OP, we can only comment on what you post. As you say, we don't know you or your background personally.

dragged down wrote: »

Also to say that I am considering leaving him purely because he is ruining my good moods is completely wrong, if you want me to list out all the things that happened to us or nearly ruined our relationship then that's not going to happen, basically a lot went on, then while pregnant with my second child we had make or break talks, we decided we did want to stay together and I cannot help if I am becoming unhappy in the relationship.....can I? Maybe this is not what's making me unhappy but I think it is, If the issue is just as simple as our personalities do not match anymore then we can't work can we?

You've gone through some rough times, which to be honest is a normal part of a serious relationship, and you've come through it still together, but if this has all led you to feel that maybe you're just not compatible then THAT is what you need to be focussing on and working at answering.

I see a counsellor periodically, not recently, don't know what kind of help they would give me though, all the usual advice about these kind of things is to never stay in a relationship if you're not happy....but people here don't seem to share that view.I feel like while it's ok now it won't be in a few months when I have the life sucked out of me. So what do I do then?

As much as I normally disagree with the whole "counselling" idea (see the very first reply to this thread - "go get counselling" :rolleyes:), the advice itself IS sound.

Regardless of marriage, kids or houses, if you genuinely aren't happy with someone then you should move on.
Of course the kids should be provided for (ideally the objective of both side should be that the disruption to them is as minimal as realistically possible), but there's no point in staying with someone for the wrong reasons.

My own take on this (if you're still reading OP ) is that you need to sit down with your other half and TALK to him.. not AT him. Explain to him that you're feeling unhappy and bored with things and ask him if there's anything that he needs to get off his chest. (Of course this assumes you want to try and save things between you).

But another thing to bear in mind OP is that after a few years and a couple of kids, most relationships DO "settle" into a comfortable routine.
While I can see your point about how this can be less than exciting sometimes, to be fair to your partner, it's not just up to him to "fix" it for you.

When was the last time for example, you arranged to get the kids minded for the night and surprised him with a night out, or even a cosy takeaway and a DVD - just the two of you.

I know a lot of women have this romaticised notion of Mr Big driving up in his limo and sweeping them away to a life of pampered perfection (god that show has SO much to answer for imo!), but REAL life isn't like that.. REAL life takes effort, on an ongoing basis - from BOTH sides.

I get the feeling you're quite young though so maybe you settled down too early? If this is the case then you need to decide what's more important to you... YOU (personally) being happy, or YOU (all) being happy? I think you'll find that if you work on the latter, you'll get to the former

But again OP it comes down to whether you think your relationship is worth saving, because if you think you're that mis-matched then you're better off getting out before the resentment starts to become unbearable and leads to other problems - screaming matches and such.

The advice i've been getting here is basically to stop being so selfish, maybe I will make an appointment with my counsellor in another week or 2 so i'd rather just end this thread now because short of detailing every part of my life a lot of people on this thread will just try to turn this whole issue into something completely different.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh OP (and another reason why I think you may be quite young), but if you post a thread asking for advice on a public internet forum, you have to accept and be prepared that not everyone is going to agree with you or tell you what you want to hear BUT that doesn't necessarily mean they don't have a point either.. sometimes the truth hurts!

If you just want to hear stuff that will back up your own feelings/opinion on the matter then maybe talking to a girlfriend is a better option, but it probably won't answer anything for you... which is probably why you posted here in the first place.

Ickle Magoo

dragged down wrote: »

....so i'd rather just end this thread now because short of detailing every part of my life a lot of people on this thread will just try to turn this whole issue into something completely different.

If you want your thread locked, just say so or PM one of the PI mods if you prefer.

For what it is worth, I don't believe in staying in relationships if you are miserable but I do think most relationships are worth an attempt at salvaging before calling it a day so that you never look back with regret thinking you didn't give it your best shot.

If your husband is unhappy then there is no point in pretending he is, it must be very frustrating to know there is more going on under the surface but not be privy to it. I think you both have to have a very frank and honest discussion about your wants and needs and where you see yourselves and your relationship. I think you have to stress just how much of an issue this has become and ask that if your husband values your relationship to go to couple counselling with you.

I know you can't and don't want to divulge any and all information, from what you have posted I get the impression that despite feeling very happy and content in yourself, that your husband doesn't play a big part in those feelings and that's an issue in itself. If there has been alcohol or anger issues on his side then it's quite likely there is whole raft of issues, resentments and mistrust stemming from that and they need to be openly and honestly discussed before a line can be properly drawn under them and you can both move on.

I asked if you were a stay-at-home mum because I think going out to work every day while your spouse stays home and plays happy families can be as hard as staying at home with babies/young children - I know my husband found it hard and felt rather surplus to requirements bar his wage cheque until we found ways of making him a much bigger part of things - tho having been happy that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mum and wanting to do the right thing and support us in every way he could, it took a long time for him to admit that's how he really felt.

I think if you could get him into couple counselling of some description, a third party could help to bridge the gaps.

Best of luck