help: feel trapped : can't break up

LegacyUser

Hello everyone

I need help with a situation that has been ongoing since the beginning of the summer now.

bit of Background first.
I'm a girl. (25 yrs old)
In a relationship with my boyfriend , 2 years and 5 months approx.
very relaxed relationship at first (first year) : fun, easy going and generally thought this could be a long term thing.
Boyfriend lost his job 3 months into the relationship (ie he has't had a been in FT employment for over 2 years) .
I was just out of college, worked in job for 1 year and half that i hated. Luckily now have found a job that has potiental. I dont by any means "love" this job, but i work hard at it, and am tired alot at the weekends as a result, and dont be in the mood for devoting every single minute at the weekend to him!!


NOW :
As title sugusts I feel trapped, I have since beginning of summer known that I need to break up with this man, mainly due to his employment situation.

Now I may get slated for this, but my Boyfriend has made no effort in last two years to gain employment, I was supportive for the first 6 mts, didnt mention any jobs Id seen or that he could apply for, didnt even try and broach the subject of taking a "job, any job" etc.

once i started to try and help him, he would take the jobs I suggust and dismiss them, " i dont want to do that, thats too hard" etc and never even applied for anything.

just to repeat, he has applied for one job(which he didnt get) in the last two years.
This is hard to stomach for me, as i work hard in a job that is average, but i still do it, even if i dont like it.


Now this all came to a head about 4 mts ago, I got sick of the excuses, why he couldnt/wouldnt apply for that job, that was in the area of what he was doing before he was made redundant.
I literally flipped out, I explained to him, its fine not wanting to do a particular job, but he had to come up with altenatives (like returning to education/another area of employment).

It is like he doesnt want to do anything/no job/no area of employment interests him, every single job/ profession/ area of work i suggest he dismisses," naw id be no good at it, its too hard/ the hours are too long etc etc"


We have had three "big" talks about this now, which always end up in tears, him telling me I i cant leave him, he will have nothing without me, him promising to make an effort to find a job. I suppose these talks have been my way of trying to break things off.

on the last occasion we spoke about this, he threaten to "drive his car off a bridge/pier" if I broke up with him.

this has freaked me out, and hence the trapped feeling.

I need to break up with this man, I dont think i love him anymore ( i did once) but too much bad feeling now has passed between both sides. he says Im been horrible to him, that I'm grumpy and pick fights, he just wont make an effort to get a job.

He has told me he is depressed (see above comment from him about suicide), and every time we fight, he always comes back and says sorry, that he loves me etc.

what do i do? Im desperate for advice on how to break up with him, I feel like such a bit*h.

Im more out going/sociable and generally a stronger person.

I knew this man was shy, quiet when we started going out, but now i Feel like i have taken total advantage of him, for company, and support and now I'm literally dumping him when things are maybe not as rosy in his life. I did love him, but i dont think I do anymore. I mean even if he found a job, I think I would still at this stage want to break things off.

thanks for reading such a long post. Any advice or opinions welcomed

P.S Him telling me he is depressed, has only come out in last four months, now this might be controverial but I kinda feel this is an attempt to get me to stay. I nearly cant bring myself to say that out loud or write it, as i would hate to not take it seriously if in fact he is geninuely depressed.

Ickle Magoo

Would he go to couple counselling? That might be a safe place for you to end the relationship where he has some support. Or do you know his family and friends? Could you let them know what he has said and have one of them there to support your boyfriend when you break the news/leave. At the very least you have to insist he sees a doctor and tells them how he is feeling.

I would also sit him down and stress that you don't want to be in a relationship with him and him being depressed or feeling suicidal isn't going to change that and ask that he finds help for himself and lets you go.

There are some great links to pass on to him here;

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=61191700&postcount=3

Best of luck.

Distorted

I'm totally with you on this one. I think anyone would be struggling with this. Theres no rule that if you go out with someone, and they are made unemployed, you have to go out with them forever more. In this case it would almost be less the unemployment and more his general attitude to work and lack of driver and ambition that would get to me. I realise unemployment is hard but most decent people pick themselves up and do something about it. He probably is a bit depressed because of his situation but tbh do you want to be stuck with a person who suffers depression anyway? Fair enough if you are truly, madly and deeply in love with them, but it doesn't sound as if you are.

LegacyUser

thanks Ickle Magoo, I doubt he would go for any counselling, and those links i will show him them, but again I think he will dismiss them.
As i kinda hinted at the end, Im afraid the depression is maybe a way of trying to manipulate me, its not that i dont believe him, I know how soul destroying un employment can be, but i feel uneasy that he can openly say it to me all the time in recent weeks and then if i suggest going to gp, he dismisses it.

I did say to him after his intial comment about driving off a bridge, that I would have to tell his family.

As a couple, and seperately we wouldnt have alot of friends.

anytime I try and break up with him, it goes either two ways:

A. he gets angry and says "do you get a buzz out of hurting me" and "after all I have done for you and your family" Those are direct things that he has said to me

or

B. "im not letting us break up, because we have come too far, and because we love each other and i know we can work it out, we love each other" again direct things that have been said or text to me.

It is the second option B. that is the emotional time, where he will take again about loving me so much and not knowing what he will do without me.

this is really getting out of hand, I'm scared and upset alot of the time over this, my phone is vibrating all day in work with texts.........and people at work are commenting that im distracted etc.

Oryx

His suicide threat is emotional blackmail. He needs to know that it does not work, even if its the toughest thing youve ever done, calling his bluff on that.

Of course you tell his family, those closest to him, if he is threatening suicide. Ultimately they are responsible for him, not you. You are not his keeper, regardless of how you may feel that this is your fault. It is not.

Plenty of other people are unemployed and break up and they cope, without you. I hope you get what I mean by that. Dont take on his issues on his behalf. If he is suicidal and depressed it is his problem, harsh as that may sound. You realise you dont love him anymore and staying with him will only compound the problem long term. You need to detach from him with love, as they say, and let him stand on his own two feet. He may surprise you with his ability to do that once he knows you really are gone.

whatsamsn

Op, I think this thread is more feeling justified with breaking up with your boyfriend Probably due to the subject nature. Rather than you.

Yes, I think this issue for you has been slowly boiling the last 2 years. That your bf's unemployment has slowly and slowly getting to you more. But i'll add all this depressed talk is blackmail nature to make you stick around.

You may get two sides of the coin from users on this thread. (when i say users i mean a persons opinion)

• Some people will feel he has been unemployed for to long. Its well past being supportive and time to break up (dare i say alot of female users on here will be in that camp)
• And others will think its self-centred of you. That if currently your boyfriend doesnt have a job - Thats more important than other aspects (affection, love, caring, being a good boyfriend etc) Those things take a back seat when a guy doesnt have a job.

Op, here is some good words you'll hear - "its all about what side of the coin your on in life"

Some users on here will support you breaking up with your boyfriend - while if another thread was posted about a person wanting to break up with his/her partner because they are now heavy/obese. - the same users opinion could think that was "shallow" of the op. But is of the same subject nature. While if another thread was posted about a person GETTING broke up over putting on a few pounds in recent times - people would say "your ex partner sounds like a jerk" .... same situations. different views.


So op.
Its up to you. Do what you want. At the end of the day, you're the one in the situation.
But its pretty certain your bf is doing emotional blackmail. So theres yours answer pretty much.
I think you come off as an intelligent person and you know whats what

LegacyUser

to the last poster, alot of that made sense.

it so complicated, for so long. I'm tired and weary myself over it.

I have tried so much to try and be kind and gentle I cant do that much longer.

I know I'm not responsible for him, I do care about him. I feel like I have ruined him.

Moomoo1

would your bf consider voluntary employment whilst he's looking for a job? I mean, the skills needed for most of those must be near zero, but they can be very rewarding nevertheless?

I do think you are at least partiallly victim of a state-sponsored propaganda drive to convince people that 'anyone out of work and on benefits is worthless and deserves contempt' (with the ultimate aim of having less people on benefits so that the money can be passed on to their rich cronies who do as much work as the people on benefits do but hypocritically are considered to be creme de la creme). So think about it: is the problem the fact that it's financially difficult to support your bf, or the fact that you want you two to have a better lifestyle on two salaries, or is it just your prejudices and preconceptions and the propaganda that associates unemployment to unmanlyness?

Ie, is it making an actual difference that he is unemployed, or are you objecting because you are brought up to believe that everyone must be employed?

LegacyUser

this probably sounds callous but OP you live once.. and while yes it will be tough for your partner but at the end of the day you have a life to live.
If you're not happy in the relationship then the two of you will never be happy.
I think it's kinder to end it so then you are both free to do what you want in life and meet people that can compliment you and not bring you down..
If you can feel you can break up, I suggest you let a friend of your partner's know or a family member so they can keep an eye on them in case they are genuinely thinking of ending their life if you finish with them..
He can't hold that over you, it's not fair..
You will end up severely depressed yourself..
I wish you the best of luck with it op. take care.

LegacyUser

to MooMoo1

I think it is a question of ambition and the differences between us in that. Im not trying to defend myself, but its not about the money or lifestyle. I'm by no means myself in a stable well paid job.

we dont live together, I dont support him, he lives quite frugally himself.

I dont think its the actual unemployment, but the lenght of umemployment and the lack of effort in even looking to do anything (including voluntary work) .

and yes I may be a product/Victim ? of what you said, I generally feel sad that a man of 27, has been unemployed for 2 years, I mean what chance does he stand even if things pick up, after having refused perfectly good work/jobs and big glaring gap in cv, when questioned he cant even say he applied himself to a voluntary work or showed some iniative in finding work?

so I suppose I will defend myself here, Im not criticising the unemployed, but as far as my personal situation is concerned I will not be making any apologies for expecting him to make some effort to find work, He has never made this effort, even in the beginning.
He lost his job, a couple of months before the news/general society started talking about recession and umeployment. After that it was like the recession became a valid reason for him being employed, and even now he still trots that out (sure Im not the only one out of work) but I dont see how that stops him from applying for position, It may stop him from getting the job, but the recession doesnt stop him requesting an application form, ringing a telephone number to enquiry about work, or him sending in a cv to a place.

StillWaters

This relationship is dead. You are just going to have to grow a pair and finish it. You have had 'three big talks' i.e. you have tried three times, and he has used some sort of blackmail to stop you, and you have fallen for it.

You are not responsible for his happiness. You cannot stay with someone out of pity or worry they will do something silly.

You are not breaking up with him because he is unemployed, but rather that unemployment highlighted issues between you that are clearly insurmountable.

dellas1979

There is nothing wrong with wanting to break up with someone for what ever reasons you have.

You know you want to break up with him, but you are scared he will harm himself.

Now, he is either emotionally blackmailing you and blowing hot air, or he is serious. I would do the break/have the talk - if he starts with the suicide talk, tell him immediately that you are telling his family/a family member. Do not under any circumstance ignore his threat, it could be genuine, but you are not going to be the one to fix this/his problems. You got to stand firm on this one. The alternative is to be anxious and miserable all the time.