A red flag on new marriage?

LegacyUser

I'll do my best to make a long story short here.

My wife and I were together over five years before we got married. She comes from abroad and the first half of our relationship was spent as a long distance thing. We got to see each other every few months, and the sex was amazing and passionate and hot. We realized the frustration of being separated from one another, and agreed that it should be fine to sleep with other people. I did so on a few occasions and she dealt with it perfectly well. For some reason she never felt the need or urge to do the same, and explained that for the time being that she simply "didn't want" sex with anyone else, but wasn't going to let that stop me from having my bit of fun.

Fast forward a bit. Girlfriend moves to be with me, and we have a normal healthy relationship with good communication etc. Problem is, our sex life has suffered. She puts it down to us getting so familiar with one another that the sex is predictable and boring. Since we've been living together, neither of us has had a lover. We rationalized taking a lover before because we weren't together in the same country.

Recently we were married. Around that time, she tells me she's developed a number of crushes and is considering sleeping with one of her guy friends.

Here comes my question - Is it silly for me to be jealous now? I know we agreed that having a lover was okay when we were apart. To me, it seems like she's interested in having exciting sex with someone else because she's bored with me. Granted, I'm still fully entitled to find another woman to sleep with. Although I may do this at some stage, I fear that unless we can rediscover a healthy sex life between the two of us, that this separation of our love lives will have a deleterious effect on our marriage.

Does anyone else out there have an open relationship, and what would your reaction be if your own sex life was getting worse... would your relationship suffer if your partner preferred sleeping with other people to sleeping with you? Because surely if you're their primary, then they should want you MORE than the rest.

Anyways, all constructive comments and suggestions would be most appreciated. People thinking I'm purely being a jealous arse need not say so. If my wife can find a lover, I want her to be happy, but I'll only be happy taking a lover myself if things with her and I are on an even keel.

/rant, thanks in advance.

CDfm

OP -you are newly married and while I am not into open relationships this suggestion seems way off beam to me.

I get the impression that you are not comfortable with it and are trying to convince yourself.

What country is your wife from and did she acquire residency rights through marriage.

Distorted

I think I would feel a bit used if I were you. 5 years isn't that long so it would be odd if desire had worn off in that time. It seems that you had an arrangement for a reasonably good reason while you were living in different countries but that you weren't aware this arrangement was to be extended after you were married. Is that right? If it is, I would be unhappy, and it was my assumption that this was the case, so if it your assumption as well I would tend to agree with you.

Open relationships aren't my cup of tea at all but I would have thought one of the main purposes of them was to add to an existing sex life between the couple in question, not take the place of it. Or for medical reasons or something. I don't think your wife is behaving well at all.

sbsquarepants

Each to their own i suppose, but it definitely wouldn't be for me. I have no problem with people having open relationships or being swingers or whatever they're into, but personally i wouldn't be able to deal with an arrangement like that. I would be totally unable to view my wife or girlfriend sleeping with other people as anything other than a personal rejection, sounds to me like you're thinking along the same lines. You could well be in for a rough time to come.

whatsamsn

I'm sorry to be blunt.
But basically at one point in the relationship you gave the ok to sleep with other people. I can understand the logic as to why you did suggest so in the first place. Long distance and all. But that right there doomed the relationship. You unbeknowingly opened up a can of worms. Thinking that allowing to sleep with others would only be for that particular moment of the relationship (when it was long distance)

The old saying "a bed is either built for one or two, never three". - Theres a reason why thats said.

Now fast forward. Your married.
But its out there. Now she wants to have sex with someone else.
You introduced an element to the relationship at one point - "other partners" - That element is still there. Doesnt matter if it was a few years ago. It was introduced. You cant turn back time.

Its open that you had other partners. She knows this. Now since that element is in your relationship - by her wanting to or sleeping with other people, it wont feel like such a big thing.



Personally op i think your marriage doesnt look good. Im sorry to be so blunt. But look at from this aspect. You clearly are not comfortable with this. And rightfully so (she is your wife) ... but its out there. She wants to sleep with other people. If you say you would be uncomfortable with it there is a high chance she'll end up cheating. Doing so behind your back.


If you let her, you'd be a cuckold. I dont care what anyone says but when a partner wants to have sex with another its because they are not satisifyied. This is a no win situation op. Even if you let her sleep with a guy once. Thats introducing that same element but into your marriage. It'll pop up again.


and op ... she claims she didnt sleep with anyone while you and her were long distance. but now that she lives with you, sleeping with you, now she wants too? ... mate, she slept with other men when long distance.

CDfm

+1 and OP you are not being a jealous arse and if it were me I would be looking at my options for a divorce.

seamus

UnregHoneymoonsOver wrote: »

Does anyone else out there have an open relationship, and what would your reaction be if your own sex life was getting worse... would your relationship suffer if your partner preferred sleeping with other people to sleeping with you? Because surely if you're their primary, then they should want you MORE than the rest.

The problem is here that you've both assumed that you still have an open relationship because of an old agreement, but you haven't defined any parameters or boundaries.

An open relationship can only work when both parties are comfortable with it and when the core relationship is still solid. If there's any doubt in the core relationship or the attraction is being lost, then sleeping with other people (especially one of her friends!) will destroy any hope of keeping it together.

Yes, it's OK to call a halt to the open relationship agreement now. If she didn't sleep with anyone else before, then that's that. She had the opportunity, she didn't take it. She doesn't retain the right to reciprocate indefinitely, if you're not happy with it, then you stop it.

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

+1 and OP you are not being a jealous arse and if it were me I would be looking at my options for a divorce.

Agree with CDfm, here, you're married. I'd find it extremely difficult if my boyfriend wanted to sleep with others never mind if we were married. That's a deal breaker in my opinion.

LegacyUser

OP
Sorry for being blunt
Sexless marriges(even limited amounts) do not work.(I Know from experience) Sex with someone else is not part of the deal and will not help. You have to either get some help to work this out or you have to get out