Being taken for granted.

Storminateacup

Apologies in advance for the super novel style post this no doubt will be.

I feel like everybody takes complete advantage of me. From my brother, right to my friends.

My brother, a little older than me, but extremely immature. He comes to me for everything - be it to buy his boxers/socks, bracelet, shoes. He doesn't believe he should have to spend his money on nessessery items, that its his right to them, and why shouldn't somebody else buy them since he "hasn't got the money". In reality, he has more money than me.

My friends - treat me like some sort of a cash cow.
3 friends in particular.

2 of these friends are in a relationship. Both are on the dole and are wasters, to be frank. Neither are looking for work, and both are quite content sitting home looking at each other, or driving around from house to house.
She comes from a large family, and during the summer two of her sisters got married. She asked me if I would pluck her eyebrows as she "didn't trust" anybody else to do it. I drove the 30km to where she lived to do her eyebrows.

The night before the wedding, he text me, in a terrible way, saying the bride had "fugged up" and had refused to pay for her room, and so, they had to use their own money to pay the hotel room.

Being on the dole, it seems like theyre living from week to week. So he asked me if I could loan him some money. I met him half way - 15kms away, to give him 50 euro. He seemed very embarrased about it, and once it was handed over, there was no mention of it after.

Six weeks after, I asked him for the money, as I was sure I wouldn't get it back. He replied and said that his brother owed him money, they were short on rent that week, but that they could give me 30 out of the 50. I tell him no, that I'll wait til next week and he could give me the entire amount. No. He insisted I come over for it. So I did, I drove over, and they had the 30. I knew deep down that I wouldn't get the 20 back and I was right.

Now, at the begining of august, her other sister was getting married, and a month beforehand my friend booked me to do her makeup (I'm a qualified makeup artist.) as she was bridesmaid. She told me that she would give me the money in a card, that she didnt expect me to do it for nothing.

The morning of the wedding, I booked it off work, and drove to her parents house to do her makeup. Being a professional, I use professional products, and did have to purchase new products (eyelashes and a lipstick from MAC) to use on her. I spent an hour on her, and had her makeup absolutely perfect. I then did the french tip on her nails, and on her mothers nails.

About a week later, she came and handed me this envelope, and inside was a thank you card -- but no payment. There wasn't even a mention of payment.

Now - here lies the problem. The day before the 2nd wedding, I drove to her home to do her eyebrows, the following day I took the morning off, used my products, and had to drive to her parents house. Neither her nor her parents live anywhere near me. I just feel used - she knows how expensive makeup is, and refused to let the beautican that was doing the other bridesmaids makeup, do hers.

Knowing they're not awash with money - how do I broach the subject? I'm so furious. I would usually charge 80 for the bridesmaid makeup and 40 for the trial. So thats 120 euro she owes me, never mind me taking the morning off of work.

There is absolutely no mention of payment either. I know there is nothing you boardsies can do about it, but I'm pretty upset she would take advantage like that.

He is no better, only a week ago he text me to ask me if i could lend him the guts of 1500 euro, as he "needed a new car". Needless to say i didn't give it to him, but being asked for money all the time is pretty upsetting.

Its the one subject I don't like talking about, or asking for money back.

The other friend is just a lost cause - she sees nothing wrong with a message that reads "Can you lend us 50 til dole day?" or "Dying for a couple, lend us 50 til tuesday?" or just coming up to oxegyn "Can ya lend us as much as you can, and ill give it back to you".
Now - a simple "I cant afford it", does suffice but i find it very embarrasing that people would put friends in that position.

I just don't know what to do - regarding the makeup bill and having people ask me so much. I'm just tired of it.

Overheal

she sees nothing wrong with a message that reads "Can you lend us 50 til dole day?" or "Dying for a couple, lend us 50 til tuesday?" or just coming up to oxegyn "Can ya lend us as much as you can, and ill give it back to you".

Explain to them what a Credit Card is.

My brother, a little older than me, but extremely immature. He comes to me for everything - be it to buy his boxers/socks, bracelet, shoes. He doesn't believe he should have to spend his money on nessessery items, that its his right to them, and why shouldn't somebody else buy them since he "hasn't got the money". In reality, he has more money than me.

On the bright side, you know what to get the self-entitled manchild for christmas.

Storminateacup

That is true, overheal! He comes with a list as long as his arm. "I need jeans, well I'll need a shirt to go with the jeans. I need shoes too. I have no boxers."

"what are you getting me for christmas?"
I thought you needed shoes? And jeans? And I bought you that gold bracelet?
"But my real present? I need those."

Overheal

Have you ever taken the manchild shopping for clothes before?

When I was about 7 my aunt had to mind me for 2 weeks. So she decided on the first day to give me an education I still value. We went to the grocery store and she said I could spend $20 on things I wanted to eat while I was there. Do you know what I thought I could do with $20 and what I could actually do with $20? Eye opening.

Perhaps taking him shopping for Christmas/Birthday/Occassion and telling him he can spend €100 on clothing will wake him the hell up. Probably not. He's lost the youth and impressionability

Storminateacup

Oh he knows damn well how much things cost. Thats why he won't pay for them himself. I once bought him an entire outfit in TJS, and he was so mad he made me return them.
He walked around the entire store for over an hour, seen nothing that he wanted, and TJS would only issue a credit note.

He informed me the pair of jeans he wanted was in jack and jones, and when I said I wasn't paying for them, that he had a credit note, he informed me "It is your fault we're in this mess. If you had to f***ing wait until I was with you, you wouldn't have bought sh*te."

Overheal

Wow. Then Fcuk'im. Sounds rather entitled.

thefeatheredcat

You're going to have to give a firm hard NO.

Firstly, have they done many favours or lent you money in the past?

re your brother, that's just plain laziness on his end and him knowing you're a doormat. either lock and key, or buy things that he totally won't like (and hide your real stuff elsewhere). Stop enabling his behaviour.

There's been decent and doing favours when they're needed and being generous with kindness but it can get to the point when all you feel is like a damn atm. I've been there.

The problem with often giving in to doing favours (that often put you out of the way at your cost) and helping others out with money is that people do take advantage of it and everybody knows it but is too polite to say it. While helping others in itself is its own reward, there is a line that can be overstepped.

I've had plenty of 'friends' emerge when they need help but who ordinarily wouldn't even text/call just to talk and never return the favour. I've also had many people coming to me for money rather than being an adult about it and set themselves budgets or talk to people in the know like MABS.

You need to set a boundary as to when you will help with money and when it's clearly not you that they need to look to.

In fairness re the 1500 for the car, asking by text is pretty bad, when they could have sat you down and asked face to face, although pride and embarrassment may have also prevented this too.

You have a couple of ways of going about getting yourself out of the situation but the best is to sit them down and express concern in their on-going money borrowing that you are concerned if they're alright financially and perhaps that if they're not able to make basic ends meet (never mind unnecessary purchases of alcohol) that they need to speak to someone like MABS for budgeting and other advice or go to the bank/credit union for help (discourage the idea of loan sharks, more dangerous and expensive than worth).

I took this particular approach with someone (a work colleague at the time, not a friend or family member) who was always a bit short of cash and but was struggling financially (no budget/living outside means/expensive but unnecessary rent) and told them to get themselves sorted, referred them to MABS, because I couldn't afford to support myself and them too. Their money problem wasn't my responsibility to deal with, it was theirs.

It fell on partial deaf ears but I think they copped on, especially after the very last time I lent them money I made them very aware that I was not prepared to keep financially supporting them, arranged repayment of money and set a date, which was kept to. Needless to say they were unhappy with this, but at the time, just made redundant and facing the unknown I had to look after myself first and didn't want to end up putting myself in a negative financial position that I'd have to ask my friends and family for money.

In saying that, it is really dependant on the person and their circumstances - a few people that have asked for money were very proud people (and I knew it too) but they ALWAYS repaid the money back.

The other way is flat out no with no explanation. With family it's that bit difficult as blood is thicker than water, but everybody has their limit; it is of course something to bear in mind that some time in the future you might find yourself in the position of needing a loan from your friends and family, so be very careful, this whole experience might get thrown back at you.

However, there's reasonable lending of money to friends and family and then there's unreasonable. I personally don't like to see those close to me struggle but there's a difference in being asked €50 for help with the rent and €50 for a night of drinking.

As for the favours, in a way you should feel quite chuffed that you've been asked to do these things like plucking the eyebrows and makeup, that they trust you to do these things - maybe this was just a once off though for the wedding? However, don't be expected to always make the long haul drive, they may think you can well afford it (and perhaps they can't) but try and reach a compromise. Make yourself at times unavailable if necessary.

Stopping doing favours and not lending money may seem hurtful and even cruel, but you're just going to end up totally relied upon and always feeling obligated to stump up the cash. It happened to me to the point that the same person that was unhappy with me for not lending money was also someone that too often would come to me with their personal problems and genuine woes of money that it played on the heart strings - and it worked too. But after feeling rather manipulated into feeling guilted to paying the lunch bill and giving them a loan I felt that bit taken advantage of. Needless to say, once I stopped enabling the behaviour, I never heard from them again and I was no longer considered a 'friend' (of any loose description) for not bailing them out.

Kimia

They keep asking you because you keep saying yes, and buying your brother everything he wants. (I really don't understand why you do this)

Just say no. Every single time they ask, just say no. I cannot believe your brother thinks you work to keep him in clothes and whatever else he thinks he's entitled to. Unfortunately he believes this because you are helping him with this fantasy. Just say no.

ManOfMystery

As the above poster has said ..................................... all your problems could be solved by simply saying 'No'.

Assert yourself and don't be scared to turn people down. You're not a bank for everyone to turn to when they're feeling short, you're a human being with your own financial concerns I'm sure.

Storminateacup

I do try saying no. I say no to my friend who needs drinking money. I refused to lend the 1500 for a car. I understand I can stop that..

But the whole "can you do my eyebrows?", "can you do my makeup?" "can you do my nails?" "When are you calling over?"... knowing full well Im gonna end p driving 30 kms away just to shape her brows, for free.

My makeup course costed me a fortune. I did not do it to play dress up with my friends. I just wish I could find the balls to tell her that. Had i known what she was going to do, I would have insisted on using her own products on her face.

ManOfMystery

You need to say no to EVERYTHING ............ not just lending money.

Your services ultimately don't come free either. You've had to invest in yourself through courses and the like. And the bottom line is, if they went to anyone else they would have to pay for it.

I work in IT so get a lot of questions from staff (and family) about problems with home computers, and requests for me to look at them. I make it clear to pretty much everyone apart from my immediate family that I work a lot of hours and don't have the time or resources to be fixing home computers every night. I learnt to do this the hard way unfortunately -fixing numerous problems for people who didn't want to pay PC World to do it, and not even getting a thanks. Of course there are always a few who give you a bottle of win or vouchers and that is much appreciated, but the vast majority want a freebie. So now I simply say I'm too busy and most people accept that.

cheesey1

Storminateacup wrote: »

She comes from a large family, and during the summer two of her sisters got married. She asked me if I would pluck her eyebrows as she "didn't trust" anybody else to do it. I drove the 30km to where she lived to do her eyebrows.

The night before the wedding, he text me, in a terrible way, saying the bride had "fugged up" and had refused to pay for her room, and so, they had to use their own money to pay the hotel room.

Being on the dole, it seems like theyre living from week to week. So he asked me if I could loan him some money. I met him half way - 15kms away, to give him 50 euro. He seemed very embarrased about it, and once it was handed over, there was no mention of it after.

Six weeks after, I asked him for the money, as I was sure I wouldn't get it back. He replied and said that his brother owed him money, they were short on rent that week, but that they could give me 30 out of the 50. I tell him no, that I'll wait til next week and he could give me the entire amount. No. He insisted I come over for it. So I did, I drove over, and they had the 30. I knew deep down that I wouldn't get the 20 back and I was right.

Now, at the begining of august, her other sister was getting married, and a month beforehand my friend booked me to do her makeup (I'm a qualified makeup artist.) as she was bridesmaid. She told me that she would give me the money in a card, that she didnt expect me to do it for nothing.

Sorry I am a bit confused is it 2 seperate people or is this just a typo?

I would say to your friends and brother that you are not a bank machine, you work hard for your money and that they should be actively looking for money.

Storminateacup

No, sorry I didn't make it very clear.
They're in a relationship. Its the both of them. They were both my friends, then got together.
Just like minded, no desire to do anything productive.

ManOfMystery

Well if they're happy to leech off the state and not earn their keep, what makes you think they'll treat you (or anyone else who says yes to them) any differently?

They may be 'friends' but they're abusing their position.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, ManofMystery is right.. if there's something that you don't want to do, then say NO. Not just to lending money.

Your friend, whose make-up you did for the wedding... there was another girl there, doing the bride and other bridesmaid. But your "friend" knew that if she got that girl to do it, she'd have to pay her.. whereas if she got you, she'd never have to pay you and you'd never ask her for it.

Stop doing things. Stop driving 30kms to pluck someones eyebrows. Even if she gave you a tenner for it, it wouldn't have covered your petrol there and back and your time.

My husbands sister is a bit like this. It's all take and never EVER get the slightest back from her.. EVER. So he just learned to say "No". No explanation, no reason.. just "No".

I really really don't understand why you are buying your brothers clothes by the way. Does he buy yours?


EDIT: People take advantage of you, because you allow them to.

Beruthiel

Storminateacup, seems to me that these problems would just go away if you stopped giving into these people.
Learn to say no and mean it.

Big Bag of Chips

storminateacup, I also meant to say about my sister-in-law. My husband was always the one she came asking for money, and like you we'd have to drive to her to give it to her, and drive to her to collect it again.

She'd always ask for €50 here and there. 3 days after our wedding she rang looking for €500... because she knew we'd have got money as presesnts. That was the first time he said No! She rang a few times after and he always said No. She got the message..... and just moved on to getting it from someone else. That was 7 years ago, she's been through all her siblings, and about 5 different sets of friends! When they stop giving she moves on to someone else who will.

You're not responsible for any of them. You don't need to fund their nights out, or anything else. And you can be sure, if you don't give it to them, they won't do with out, they'll find it from somewhere else.

Also, the point about your brother (which really does amaze me!) He sounds like he's still stuck at 10, and thinks your his mother! Buy him socks and jocks for Christmas, and if he sulks that he didn't get a real present, ask him did he not write his letter to santy!

Storminateacup

You see BBOC, we lost our mum when we were pretty young, and I've always looked after him in "mammy mode" despite being 5 years younger. But jesus christ, he hasn't got one ounce of appreciation.

ManOfMystery

Well it's long past time for him to grow up. Stop enabling his behaviour by pandering to him. You're allowed to say NO to people!!

Big Bag of Chips

But that's just an excuse storminateacup. If your mother was alive I'm sure she wouldn't still be bringing him out to buy his clothes!

If you took on the mammy role, it's now time to let him go. As you said, he's not one bit appreciative of you anyway, he just expects you to do it. Stop doing it, completely (don't even go shopping with him), and he will soon appreciate everything he's had done for him... or actually maybe not!

But at least your have a bit more time and money to yourself!

As ManofMystery says, you are allowed to say no! You're a nice person. You're a nice person my nature, and you like to help people. But sometimes you're allowed be selfish, and think of yourself.. no point helping people if you are miserable about it. (And especially if they don't even seem that grateful for anything you do for them)

Say "No"... practise it... you'll be surprised how quick you get good at it!

Cheap Thrills!

The reason you are getting used/taken for granted/taken advantage of is that you are letting people.

If your brother doesn't buy himself underwear, tough sh!t, let him go naked, it's not your problem. It will teach him the consequences of his actions.

As for your using 'friends' why are you driving around after them to lend them money you know they won't return and to waste your makeup and pluck their eyebrows?

When they ask just say no. Simples. If people are cheeky enough to ask for your cash/time/skills then you need to be cheeky enough to say no.

A few days ago a friend of mine rang me for a loan of money. I just said no. What's the big deal?

Are you afraid of offending them?

Why? They're not afraid of offending you.

If you're a make up artist, then you need to learn business skills and that's money up front. No favours for friends (you'll soon learn when everyone becomes a friend when you're a soft touch)

They think you're a gilly and a sucker. They don't care about your dwindling makeup supplies/wasted time/wasted money. They don't care about that at all. So toughen up and stop expecting people to be noble and fair. They're not, they're selfish, opportunistic and using.

It's up to you to learn to assert yourself, otherwise you will continue to be used.

dory

Wow, this thread has made me really angry!!

You should watch the episode of Friends where Monica is afraid to ask for payment after catering a funeral. Phoebe just marches in and demands it, and the crying widow cops on.

You need to start saying no. Nobody can (or should) be able to make you feel a certain way. You have to let them.

As for your brother. I'm gobsmcked that you would even entertain that behaviour. Just keep reminding yourself that you're doing him a favour by not enabling him to act like a child.