Should I just leave it?

LegacyUser

I recently signed up to online dating. Got chatting to several guys, and arranged dates with a few of them. I was only really interested in one though. We got on really well, he looked like just my type and tbh I was fairly smitten before even meeting him. He asked me out and we swapped numbers. The night before we were supposed to me, he phoned, full of apologies but explaining he might not be able to meet me the next day and we might have to reschedule. He had an excellent reason (family illness) and I was fine with it. He seemed so genuine and really seemed to want to meet me.

I never heard back from him. For a while I thought the family member may have gotten worse because he hadn't been online since either. I sent a quick mail through the site about 5 days later saying I hoped everything was okay, and that I would still like to meet him, and to give me a shout if he was interested. Since then, he's been online but he hasn't responded to me. Randomly I found out we had a friend in common, so I mentioned this to that friend. She didn't offer any explanation, but did say she'd thought herself before that he'd be perfect for me. I know I should just let it go, but I can't seem to. He really emphasized to me before that courage is a trait he finds very important, so I assume he wouldn't just chicken out of telling me that he wasn't interested anymore. And I really don't understand what would have made him change his mind so suddenly.

While I do know I should just forget about him, I really think he and I would have had a solid chance at a relationship. I hate the idea of just letting it go without even knowing why. But I'm afraid of looking like a bunny boiler if I send another mail. What should I do?

BTW we're both professionals in our late 20s/early 30s, so it's not like we're kids. And our friend in common didn't say that he has a girlfriend/wife or anything like that.

Miss Fluff

Should I just leave it? wrote: »

While I do know I should just forget about him, I really think he and I would have had a solid chance at a relationship. I hate the idea of just letting it go without even knowing why. But I'm afraid of looking like a bunny boiler if I send another mail. What should I do?

I'm sorry hon but you have never even met this guy and think you have a "solid chance at a relationship"? :eek: If he has even had a hint that you are thinking like this he is probably running for the hills as fast as his legs will carry him. You don't know this guy and yet you are setting way too much store in a date that never materialised. He didn't even have the courtesy to respond to your email!

What should you do? Do not mention him to your friend again. Do not under any circumstances contact him again. And try and find a healthy pinch of salt to take with you when online dating, you need it.

Sanjuro

The guy arranges to meet you, then (seemingly, giving him the benefit of the doubt) cancels it. You're good enough to send him a message, and he pretty much ignores it. I'm sorry to say this, but I think this guy is a write-off. It doesn't take much to say a polite 'no thanks.' But he cant even give you that. Forget about him, OP. It sucks, but as they say, there are other fish in the sea. And better ones too.

Cheap Thrills!

Sounds like he met someone else, that would explain the sudden turnaround.

Leave it alone.

Oryx

People often admire certain traits in others (ie courage) because they lack them themselves. In spite of how this guy came across online, I think he may have been stringing you along. Youve done all you can, and been perfectly nice about it, youve got to move on and forget him.

whatsamsn

Should I just leave it? wrote: »

..... full of apologies but explaining he might not be able to meet me the next day and we might have to reschedule. He had an excellent reason (family illness) and I was fine with it. He seemed so genuine and really seemed to want to meet me.
I never heard back from him. For a while I thought the family member may have gotten worse because he hadn't been online since either. I sent a quick mail through the site about 5 days later......

Sorry op.
he had no intention of meeting you. The family illness was a fob off. He sounds like a complete liar and telling a total serious lie at that, or he is one of these "conscience liars" You'd be suprised how many people use something thats really going on but magnify it so its a "problem" for them - it makes a person "feel better" about a lie.

But I'd put money on that theres no such family member ill. Just a total liar.

Simple fact is that he has been on the site several times after you mailing him again. Clearly reading it and not replying. Theres your answer.

Its a terrible world we live in but when a person gives excuses to not meet or do something that imply its "out of their hands" (eg, flat tire, no money, family situation etc) its best to just straight away think its a lie. I know thats harsh. Its ok to keep an open mind, to be proved wrong. But if you took 10 situations where excuses were made, the majority out of those 10 would be pure BS.

Fittle

OP, forget about him.

He has met someone else, OR was probably mailing a few others while he was mailing you. I say this because I have been down the road of online dating, and it is rare that a guy will ignore you/stand you up for a date unless there are other women involved.

Sorry to be harsh, but move on. He's not worth it. He can find you (online) if he really wants to. And it appears, he doesn't want to. Sorry OP.:(

DamoKen

Yep agree with previous posts. Have tried the harsh world of online dating and found cancelled dates followed by drop in communication generally means they've met someone else and just haven't let you know as it's still early days.

Could be a family member was sick, but I'd guess even if this was the case it's been used as a convenient excuse to keep you on hold as he's in the early date stage with someone else he met. If it didn't work out he'd be back in touch with apologies but a reasonable excuse.

happened to me a few times, get on great seemingly and then nothing. A couple of weeks later a mail out of the blue, or none at all. Got very tiresome.

You never met him OP, it's disappointing to invest the time and effort I know but I found when I tried it the only way to do it without your head been done in or ego crushed was not to set any expectations whatsoever. EVEN after you've been on a couple of dates with someone!

Just got to remember that anyone you're talking to is doing the same thing as you. They're on an online dating site and though they may have enough tact not to mention dates they're going on while talking to you, they are going on dates!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies. I was in a relationship for most of my 20s and this is my first time with online dating (and being single, really). Guess I took it a little too seriously!

Miss Fluff I think your reply was a bit harsh. Why else would I be on a dating site if not for a relationship? I know there's people who're only looking for sex, but this site isn't geared towards that. We were communicating for several weeks and we got to know each other fairly well. I know things can be very different when you meet in person, but I don't think I was out of line for assuming that two people who met on a dating site, both stating they were looking for a relationship, communicated for several weeks and got on extremely well wouldn't both be thinking about the possibility of a relationship developing. Fair enough if we'd got talking somewhere neutral, like boards.ie.

Anyway, you're all right. He's not worth my time if he doesn't even have the courtesy to send a "not interested" mail. Thanks.

LegacyUser

well sorry to hear your bad experience with online dating...unfortunately oh too well classic case of his just that into you and maybe he had a bit more experience than you in online dating, meaning stringing you along for few weeks tothen find someone else more interesting. Not saying you are not, just to his opinion.

I don't think Miss fluff was harsh with you, sometimes emails/ messages can be taken too seriously, all she was probably saying is that you seem a bit too naive about the online and dating, rightfully as you just stated that you have been single pretty for the first time in ages.

He was a cower and didnt have the courtesy to reply, sadly, if he had been honest all along he would have message or better call you back and say ...all is ok for family etc..but no he didnt, he decided to play dead or assumed you would get the hint. So im assuming this came as a surprised to you if you are posting here about it so you have to admit this was not a caracter of him that you knew, or the guy you thought you knew.

You will learn, if you stick to online dating, that people pretend a lot to be someone else than what they are, to be honest, if the connection you felt with him going both ways, he wouldnt have want to wait weeks to meet you up even just for a coffee...my point is, if someone is serious/ genuine about looking for a relationship than they wouldnt waste that much time chatting online and actually meet up fairly soon to see if the chemistry is there in person which is the most imortant when you it started online.

Lesson learn for you this time, but in my opinion, if you are really looking for a relationship then i would suggest signing up to group sports like tag or social events to enlarge your circle of friends and meeting someone through a common interest insteas of online. I know some people have met they other half via online dating but its a small percent of stories, sadly, a lot of people, guy or girl for that matter, are on there to play the field or see whats out there and browse the aisle like i tesco to see whats better.. the one here or the one there?

Ok, bad analogy, but you get my point...i wish you good luck and best for the future.

Fittle

OP, you're just doing what those of us who have tried online dating before, have done ourselves - learned the hard way!!!

I was in your position about a year ago - I was on boards wondering why some guy didn't write back to me, (from a dating site) or why he'd say such lovely things to me and then just not reply to my emails about meeting me:rolleyes: (I feel dumb even saying that now!). I got advice similar to what Miss Fluff said, and others - but did I listen? Nope!

Sometimes you just have to go through these things yourself. The world and its mother could tell you not to take online stuff too seriously, but I did, and so do many others...! Until we learn!

Having said that, not ALL online stuff is bad - some of my mates have met lovely guys - so don't give up just yet! But DO give up on this particular guy!!

Best of luck OP!

katie99

I agree with the other posters.
Online dating is hit and miss. I tried it, didn't work for me. Gave it up.
Have joined a sailing club this summer and crewed at weekends, enjoyed it but as yet haven't met man of my dreams!!!!
I've made two new friends from the club and we meet up nearly every second weekend and head out.
I'm also a member of a local tennis club, but it is a real couples scene and not great. I am also in a rugby club and that is a drinking den during the season.
I think the dating scene has changed much over the past number of years and it is difficult to know if guys are being genuine. I am sure the blokes will say the same about the girls.
In your own case, you hadn't met the guy and in spite of his positive comments and flattery aimed at you and the fact that your gf said she tought you would make a good couple, you never know until you've met him yourself.
He didn't treat you properly even though you hadn't met. He used excuses not to meet you and then ignored your mails. I would ignore him, don't discuss him with your friend and move on.
I have decided to take up horse riding again for the Autumn and winter and to join a class. The sailing will taper off at the end of this month. So I am going to keep active and go out riding each weekend.
I think you should keep yourself busy and active. Adventure weekends, walking clubs are another way of meeting people.
Don't beat yourself up over the online thingy. It wasn't meant to be and you are better off without him. You didn't take it too serioulsy either. You just behaved with an air of expectation based on his positive comments to you. Anybody would. It wasn't your fault. I am sure you are a lovely person and will meet a lovely guy who will be crackers about you and want to be do his very best for you. It's the other guy's loss.

Birdsong

Hi OP,

Been doing online dating for a while, and the one thing I learned is that messaging someone for anymore than a week is a disaster.

I don't want a pen-pal, I want to meet somebody, and now write it in my profile that I am not into long time message, that I want to meet ASAP. I have to say they have been the best dates, really are getting to know someone in a real live situation.

You can email for weeks, and then meet the person - not a spark or a flicker of attraction, its such a waste of time and energy.

don't take it too personnally & serioursally and you will be fine. If you meet someone too, don't feel you have to like them. no harm if there is no spark after all.