What am i meant to do.

mickdlk

Lived in England for university..met my gf there, she's from the North, im from the South. Lived together for the final year, moved back home as finished university, me to my home and her to her home.
She has signed on the dole in the North and receives money every 2 weeks but she is also starting placement (unpaid) school teaching to try and get into do her teaching next year.
I cant receive dole down here because all my stamps are gone and i wont be able to untill i am 25 (8months away), cant find work anywhere, applied for anything and everything.

Problem is, I don't have the money to visit her regualrly (When we were home for summers I would be down every 2nd weekend and she would visit me every other weekend). Im doing the odd job with my uncle helping out on the farm, odd 50euro every couple of days (I don't wanna be wasting 30 of this going to visit her, if when i get there I have no money) Thing is, im sort of back playing GAA now that im home, im back on the senior team and I have been away every night this week either training, playing or watching underage teams (gets me out of the house) She thinks because im doing this, I don't have time for her and Im more intrested in socalising with my mates.

I said to her id come down the weekend to see her Sat morning as we are playing gaelic Friday night (she has a job interview on Saturday and a family only meal Sat night in her grannys house) so I said thats fine il come down Wednesday (have another GAA match tuesday night).
I make plans with my friends, go watch Ireland game fri, play GAA, and go out on the town (havnt been out with my friends since Easter), play golf Saturday in a golf classic for a gaa club, Sunday made plans to go to Croke Park with my uncle (he has a spare (FREE) ticket for me).
My girlfriend phones me yesterday and says that the family meal has been changed to next week so she was coming down Friday, I informed her of my plans the weekend and said I would happlily not go to Croke Park Sunday if she came Saturday evening but I wanted to be with my friends Friday (sort of a boys outing, nothing to mad few pints, nightclub etccc) and I made a promise to play Golf Saturday and couldnt let them down, She gets all mad saying I don't feel like I use to about her and Im happy not to be with her, i point out she said she had plans of her own so i made plans of my own and she says I should be happy she wants to come Friday to see me but I point out what difference it makes if she comes a day later and I can spend time with my mates (Which i only do when i play gaelic, never out on a night out with them)...

Im actually fuming and thinking of telling her is she is going to act like this, she can stay at home untill she realises that If we have seperate plans and hers go belly up (im not going to drop my mates)

Am i being unresonable

Zeouterlimits

The way you've represented it, she is being unfair.
I'd say try have another level-headed discussion about it. She obviously really wants to spend time with you, does she get a chance to head out with her friends often?

StarryMoon0

mickdlk wrote: »

(I don't wanna be wasting 30 of this going to visit her, if when i get there I have no money)

If I was separated from the person i love, haven't seen them in a bit and got 50 quid, I'd be on that bus so fast you wouldn't see me for dust. I'd not worry about not having money when I got there because all I'd be thinking is that "I get to see them"

I think if my OH was very busy all the time and was worried about wasting 30 quid to see me..well... I'd have to wonder.

Ok, fair enough, you both have lives and plans.
I can see your point, but I can also see hers.
Her plans changed, and the first thing she thinks is " cool, I can go visit the one i love" and then finds out he has other more important things. Not saying either one is right..but sometimes our emotions get the better of us.

Have a heart to heart about it and see how she's feeling. Maybe she's feeling a bit insecure?

LegacyUser

Mick,
You two have come to a fairly big crossroads in your relationship. You've been going out a couple of years in college when there were very little sacrafices to be made in order to spend time together. Everything was probably much easier then and the relationship has probably taken a step backwards now.

You both have decided that your short to medium term futures are in separate parts of the country. She's busy with teaching and planning on going back to college, and you're busy with GAA, things at home, working wity your uncle, golf, etc. In order for the relationship to continue and develop, it's eventually going to take one of ye to up sticks and move to the other's part of the country. Neither of you is being unreasonable here, it's just the normal things that happen when a couple are living far apart and don't get to see each other as much as you both might like.

You might be able to keep up the present arrangement for a year or two, but the more time you spend doing your own things with the lads at home, the less part of your life your girlfriend will become. Whether it be now, in 6 months or 2 years time, the issue will rise to a head and the only long-term solution if that is what both of you really want above all else will be relocation for one of you. Relationships are all about sacrafice, sometimes big ones.

Hope it all works out for you OP.

Squiggler

mickdlk wrote: »

(I don't wanna be wasting 30 of this going to visit her, if when i get there I have no money)

mickdlk wrote: »

I wanted to be with my friends Friday (sort of a boys outing, nothing to mad few pints, nightclub etccc)

€30 to go visit the girlfriend is a waste but a night out with the lads which will probably cost at least double that is grand?

You're not being unreasonable, but your girlfriend doesn't seem to be high on your list of priorities so maybe you should let her go and give her the chance to find someone who would pay any price to see her.

mickdlk

I didnt say it was a waste, I said when I got there i would have no money to do anything meaning we would just be sitting in the house bored silly!!

30euro would get me out easily, 4 euro for 3 cans before i go, 16 euro for 4 pints when im out, total 20 euro so no it wouldnt cost double.

All her friends she grew up with so she is sort of on her own in her town and i feel she may be jealous as all my friends from growing up are still here where i live.

StarryMoon0

mickdlk wrote: »

I didnt say it was a waste, I said when I got there i would have no money to do anything meaning we would just be sitting in the house bored silly!!

30euro would get me out easily, 4 euro for 3 cans before i go, 16 euro for 4 pints when im out, total 20 euro so no it wouldnt cost double.

All her friends she grew up with so she is sort of on her own in her town and i feel she may be jealous as all my friends from growing up are still here where i live.

Ummm.. so you don't see each other very often and you'd be bored silly sitting in the house with her?
If she is your drinking mate, then fair enough. If you are in love surely you can do things together without spending a lot of money? You did say she's able to sign on I believe, so would you not go halves and go for a couple drinks, or is it a case that a night out has to be a rip roaring party?

Maybe she is a bit jealous, not because you have friends, but because your friends get to see you all the time and she doesn't.

If it was the case that you currently lived together and she was annoyed at you being with the mates all the time ect, then fair enough, she'd have to get over that, as you are both entitled to your personal time without the other. Its a bit rougher when you live at opposite ends of the country and can only see each other once in a while.

LegacyUser

mickdlk wrote: »

Am i being unresonable

You're not being unreaonable. She can't expect you to drop your plans just because her's fell through. Don't get annoyed at her, just let her know that you're meeting your friends on Fri as planned, and that you'll see her Sat. If she doesn't like it, well there's not much more you can do, short of being a doormat.

Fair play to you for keeping yourself busy, it's not easy when you're looking for a job.

IrishEyes19

Long Distance Relationships are awful to be honest, and speaking from a girl's perspective, its really hard when you haven't seen someone in a while, and then your plans get ruined. I think its because girls put a lot more thought into planning how something will be, whereas guys often think, we'll see how it goes and look I'll see you regardless," but girls get fixated on promises, on a certain day, the way it should be.

However, I don't think you should be moaning about how much it will cost to see her, against going out with the lads...not really nice, considering this girl is probably well used to seeing you from college and now finds it hard to be separate. To be honest, if you can't divide your time equally, you should tell her this and give her a chance to find someone closer

blairbear

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Long Distance Relationships are awful to be honest, and speaking from a girl's perspective, its really hard when you haven't seen someone in a while, and then your plans get ruined. I think its because girls put a lot more thought into planning how something will be, whereas guys often think, we'll see how it goes and look I'll see you regardless," but girls get fixated on promises, on a certain day, the way it should be.

This is SO true. I'm in a long-distance relationship and although it's going well, I feel completely uneasy, regardless of how much we speak etc, unless I know when we're going to be seeing each other again. Obviously plans alter on both sides at times, but I don't see why she can't come on the night out with you? The amount of times my male friends have gone on about their "lads nights out" and when it comes down to it, half the girls they know end up meeting them out, including girlfriends. I can't see your friends objecting. It's not like all of your time is monopolised by her and they never see you.

By the way, train tickets are often up to half price online, if you buy from irishrail.ie. That might help with the travelling costs. I totally see your point of view, but it's not like she up-ends your plans all the time. She's probably just dying to see you and seeing you one night earlier would mean the world to her.

I guess the question is does it mean the same to you? If it doesn't, you shouldn't waste her time..

IrishEyes19

blairbear wrote: »

This is SO true. I'm in a long-distance relationship and although it's going well, I feel completely uneasy, regardless of how much we speak etc, unless I know when we're going to be seeing each other again. Obviously plans alter on both sides at times, but I don't see why she can't come on the night out with you? The amount of times my male friends have gone on about their "lads nights out" and when it comes down to it, half the girls they know end up meeting them out, including girlfriends. I can't see your friends objecting. It's not like all of your time is monopolised by her and they never see you.

By the way, train tickets are often up to half price online, if you buy from irishrail.ie. That might help with the travelling costs. I totally see your point of view, but it's not like she up-ends your plans all the time. She's probably just dying to see you and seeing you one night earlier would mean the world to her.

I guess the question is does it mean the same to you? If it doesn't, you shouldn't waste her time..

exactly and also she could be evaluating that if you already can't make the effort to go up because it costs 30 euro when a night out would be cheaper to you, maybe she's already guessing you're going to break it off with her. To be honest, Id be pretty angry if my bf decided it was too pricey to come see me, and decided to go out with the lads instead. Im all for guys having their guy time and girls, their girl time, christ you need it, just to get away sometimes. But one thing, guys dont seem to get, girls take it far more seriously, and I dont believe she's jealous of you being with the guys...I think she's upset, that you didnt jump on the chance to see her, when she made the effort to see you, you shot her ego down, thats the problem here. She's probably used to the guy who adored her in college and now is dealing with the guy who bemoans the spending of 30 euro. think about it, Its like a personality change. Just talk with her.