Merging Issue

Marlbird

I'm very new to the scene (never been with a girl before - I'm 24). Met a girl, was immediately attracted to her and we've been together now for 4 months. In the beginning, it was crazy good But lately, I feel a bit suffocated....like if I don't meet her every night she gets annoyed and I feel really guilty.

I'm unsure about how I feel about her at the moment because I think she acts a lot more serious about us and our future then I feel ready for. I've tried talking to her a couple of times about this but don't seem to be able to get space.

I've heard that Lesbian relationships are more intense. Am I just freaking out over something that's normal and will pass? Or should I do something about it?? Has anyone else had this experience? What did you do??

L.Jenkins

Sounds like the honeymoon period for you is over. You really need to take a hardline view and set out you'd like your relationship to progress with her. Maybe I'm wrong, but you need to get her to sit and chat about it and discuss how fast or slow you both want to take it.

Relationships work both ways and good communication is key. Others will be able to offer better advice.

baby and crumble

I can't help with specifics, since my relationship never really got into the 'merging' thing, i think it depends on the women involved... but i do know it happens. a lot.

as with anything in a relationship that doesn't feel right, talking is the answer. she may very well get hurt that you're not taking the relationships 'as seriously' as she is (which is what she might think). but i think most sane people can agree, a healthy relationship is not one where one half gets snarky when the other has a life, and certainly not at 4 months...

it is your first relationship, which can go either way either you fall deep and hard really fast, or you have a honeymoon period, and then it goes a bit wobbly... is your gf younger or older than you? has she had many relationships? she may just be used to this pattern in her other relationships, tbh...

If i were you i'd simply say that you need time to yourself, not to go out partying or whatever, just time to be alone, and that you think it's healthy to have a relationship like that. if she doesn't like it, and you need it, the relationship is never ever going to work well.

hope you feel happier soon, whatever you do...

balou

That's pretty good advice from Zoegh. Not really a lot I could add to that. I suppose in a lot of relationships one person can be more serious about it that the other. I haven't had a relationship with a woman yet but I don't think one person being more into a relationship than their partner is exclusive to lesbians!

Definnitely the best thing to do is talk to her - explain how your feelings. Maybe your partner is just feeling a bit insecure?

Best of luck with it, I hope things work out

Kanoe

Is she older than you? I met someone over the summer who I really, really liked but couldn't get together with her because I was afraid that I would just bore her to tears.
She's got a gazillion friends, just out of college and she likes to party all the time, I've got a job, a house to run and a shed load of other things that just wouldn't fall into the category of "fun" to deal with. Our lifestyles are just too different. Other than that we would have been great together

I think at 24 you should be out having fun and enjoying life, maybe your gf needs a reminder of it.

stephen_n

We some times forget in relationships that their are two individuals involved and it's not always about the relationship as much as what each person brings too it! To me this doesn't sound like intensity or one person being more into it than the other. It sounds to me like your GF is insecure about the relationship and she views time apart as a threat, common among people with attachment issues from childhood! Maybe try talking to her about what the time apart feels like for her and if you can get a better understanding of this then you might be able to take your space but let her feel secure at the same time!

Kanoe

you're a very smart man Stephen n.
I read my response and realise it may have come across as patronising and I really didn't mean it in that way. I just think relationships can become stuffy really quickly if people have different needs, especially where lifestyles are concerned. best of luck with it Marlbird