Interested in a gay guy?

LegacyUser

First, let me start off by saying I don't know that he's gay. In fact I didn't even suspect it until recently, when an aquantance of my friend blurted out the "He's so gay!" line.

Until then, I had been convinced that he was interested in me. He always comes up to me, always looks for my attention. Not to mention there's some heavy flirting between us. To the extent that if he's gay I can only imagine that he's leading me on deliberately. Now I'm noticing more things that could put him into the 'gay' category. For one thing, he has a swagger when he walks. It's not an out and out butt-wiggle, but it's there. Then he did say something along the lines of 'maybe I like men sometimes', but then completely denied it and told me it was a joke when I inquired.
On the other hand there are lots of reasons for me to say he's not. He asked me to be his 'personal tour guide' around my university: at the time I was shocked by how jittery (and flushed) he was. When I arrived, dressed casually, he showed up looking impressive and wearing nice aftershave - one I had actually complimented him on before. He was really shy and quiet for the entire time and insisted he just wanted to listen to me. He harped on about how I should be his teacher and help him with English ("Use whatever method you want" *wink*). When I was smsing with him later I got an 'I like you', but because he doesn't really speak English I'm not sure if he just meant as a friend!

I am afraid of looking like an utter tool in front of this guy. Am I right in thinking he's interested?

Contessa Raven

monopeptide wrote: »

eThen he did say something along the lines of 'maybe I like men sometimes', but then completely denied it and told me it was a joke when I inquired.

He could be bisexual i.e he's attracted to both men and women. IME bisexual people tend to lean towards one sex more than the other but they're open to both.

Another thing could be that his English isn't great and so perhaps what he said and what he meant are different things.

Without asking him or a mutual friend, it's hard to know whether he's interested in you or not. If he's giving mixed signals, then I'd be of the opinion that he a) doesn't know what he wants or b) he's enjoying the attention.

CR

Distorted

You could be describing a guy I dated. I would advise you to tread carefully to avoid having your heart broken. The above poster is totally correct in saying both that he doesn't know what he wants and he enjoys the attention. I was basically in love with this guy for 4 years and the behaviour you describe above went on for that long, I justified it because he was shy and hoped a more serious relationship would happen in time if I was patient. I always suspected he might be gay but I ignored my instinct because I assumed he would tell me and at times he acted (over-acted?) very masculinely indeed. e.g. he got really jealous if I even spoke to other men, stared at me quite intensely at times with real eye contact, very flirty without ever leading to anything physical, would text me straight back if I texted him and turn up to places I said I would be, etc., etc.. But he also had many of the things about him you describe above e.g. the walk (though he could change it when he thought people were looking), very shy, seemingly, but not I think so, in practice, nervousness around women, spent a lot of time with his mother, very gentle and non-confrontational, very clean and tidy, very perfect clothes and always really well turned out with lovely fingernails, an aversion to doing practical things such as basic car maintenance - I could go on and on. I know these things are not indicative of a man being gay but he is. When he took up ballroom dancing several mutual male acquaintancies asked me if he was gay - my answer was how would I know? He must be taking it up to meet women, and I was really upset and felt terribly rejected. He's even got an internet dating profile looking for women, obviously as some kind of cover, which again made me ignore the signs he was gay.

But still he flirted with me and we arranged to go on holiday earlier this year. To say his behaviour on holiday was odd would be to put it mildly. He clearly couldn't keep up his act up other than for short bursts. Urged on by my male friends, I decided I had to find out if he were interested or not, and while we were alone, attempted to hold his hand. He hurled his hand away from me as if disgusted but even then he did not tell me. It was only when I texted him a couple of weeks later to apologise for misreading his signals and saying I felt embarrassed, that he admitted he was gay.

I agree that people are often not 100% gay or straight, but in his case I do think he is completely gay, beyond an ability to find some women attractive. I do think he used me for cover (he is still not "out" and just avoids pretty much all of his former friends now) and he has not responded to my attempts to be friends. I find him very slightly misogynistic in that while he can indulge in quite good minor chit chat with women like me, he tires of it quickly and you feel like you are annoying him. Before I knew he was gay, it was this characteristic that reminded me of another gay acquaitance I have, but I brushed my instincts under the carpet.

He isn't interested in me or any other women. I do think he was interested in me for a while, maybe attracted by the prospect of leading a conventional life on the surface, but then realised he was completely gay. Now if I meet a man I think might be gay, I don't harbour any doubts (or indeed hopes). Gay men, especially those in the closet, have many traits women find attractive over straight men. But the person I liked didn't actually exist - I thought he was straight. I really would advise you not to get too hung up on this guy and raise your hopes too high.

I've recently seen my guy out on the town, wrapped round another guy, with a big smile on his face - he didn't see me. He looked really happy...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses guys. It's good to know I've a right to be wary of him. I was worried I was being paranoid.

Bi and interested in me I can handle. But if he's just leading me on for the attention, I don't think I could handle it. I'm going to be a little more cautious of him now.
We're planning on meeting up again to discuss his 'lessons', so I think I'll be a little bit more questioning this time round. I'm going to ask what he wants from me, no dancing around the subject. And what exactly he meant last night when he said 'I can pay you in other things aside from money'.
I know his best friend, so I was thinking of asking him what the deal was, but it occured to me that his mate is convinced he's as straight as he is. I mean every time I see the best friend he asks me how things are with me and this guy. ("Has he asked you out yet?" Is a common greeting.) The way he talks about me and his friend, he's sure we're going to get together. But I wonder how he doesn't pick up on the other things...

I don't know it's all very confusing for me. The sooner I find out what's going on in his head, the better.