Over-reacting???

karma2010

Okay so first time posting and just wanted opinion as I don’t know whether I am over0reacting or not …

I am pretty easy going not much bothers me or annoys me but this is starting to nag me and I don’t know whether me being annoyed about this is me over reacting…

Start seeing a guy back in Feb getting on great like really great falling in love the whole lot …

When we started seeing each other it was kinda complicated he had broken up with his ex but they owned their place together and given the current economic climate they are both kinda stuck there so they are still living together separate rooms obviously but I trusted him and still do and apparently she knows about me and she is quite happy seeing someone else too…

Here is the kicker they booked a holiday to Vegas for the end of October (way before they broke up) and his opinion is he is not losing out but neither is she so they are both still going… on holidays… Together!!

Like I understand he is in a difficult situation with his ex and I understand they have to be amicable but is still going on holidays a bit too far or am I over –reacting??


Thanks for the input!!

LegacyUser

Hi Karma,

no you are not over reacting. You need to sit down with him and explain how you feel. Let him see it from your point of view. If they haven't moved apart and are still in constant contact then i would be seriously having my doubts about the realtionship, especially if he thinks he can just head off on hols with her and not even consider your feelings.

Are you happy been stuck in the middle of these two? If its over then he should nto be going away with her. have you mentioned it at all to him? does he honeslty think you should just be happy to see him go? put him in your shoes and ask him how would he feel??

Hope it works out.

LegacyUser

that sounds a little odd to be honest with you. When I broke up with someone a few years back, the first thing I wanted to do was get her shipped out of the house. Any holidays or any other event coming up wasn't even on the radar. This sounds a little bit like these two are still quite friendly, a holiday with an ex would usually be a complete disaster so you'd think one of them would decide to give it a miss. I know people who've been in that situation whereby they're stuck in the house together but I've certainly never heard of people who've recently broken up going off on holidays together. I'd be worried if I was you.

Distorted

I don't think you are over-reacting either. They are putting money (or the loss of it) before doing the right thing - which would be one of them moving out and the other getting a lodger to cover the shortfall, and one of them giving up on the holiday. Its hardly a life changing loss. This happened to two of my friends - the both moved out and let out the property and rented again themselves, and they both cancelled the holiday. They are now happily with new partners.

AnonoBoy

Apparently she knows about you?

Ok I can understand that you might not want to meet this woman and she might not want to meet you - it could be awkward - but have you even been to his house?

Are you absolutely sure that everything is above board?

People don't go on holidays with their ex-partner.

Make sure you're not being strung along here.

ManOfMystery

OP, I was in a very similar situation - only I was the male. I was living with my ex but we had been broken up for over 6 months. As we were still friends and neither of us had met anyone else in that time period there was never any rush for either of us to move out. Particularly as we both liked the place we were renting, it was a nice apartment in a nice part of town. To be honest, I was avoiding meeting people, and was just enjoying being single again and spending time with my friends.

Eventually, I met my current gf and after a few dates I nervously told her about my living arrangement - I fully expected her to run a mile but to her credit, she took it very well. I also explained (truthfully) that since the day, hour and minute that me and my ex had broken up, we had never gotten together again - I don't believe in ex-sex or constant on/off/on/off in relationships. From that point on I was conscious that it wasn't an ideal situation and as I was quickly falling for my new gf, I started looking for a new place to live - which took some time unfortunately.

However ..................... at no point would I ever have contemplated going on holiday with my ex after I had met the new gf. I don't think I would have done it even if I was single. It's a very inappropriate thing to do and shows a certain disdain for your feelings on the matter.

If he hasn't got enough money to find a new place, how's he funding a holiday in Vegas anyway? Fair enough, the flights and hotel may be booked - but having been to Vegas before I can assure you that he would spend as much cash again on eating out, drinking, going out and gambling if he's into it.

And as they booked the holiday while they were a couple, I presume him and the ex booked a single hotel room - so now they're going to have to book a second hotel room (that's presuming he has the decency and honesty to stay in separate rooms) - so that's going to double the hotel cost also.

The whole thing sounds a bit fishy. He could surely cancel the trip and find a way to claim it on holiday insurance if he's that bothered about the money, otherwise he should cut his losses.

BettePorter

AnonoBoy wrote: »

Apparently she knows about you?

Ok I can understand that you might not want to meet this woman and she might not want to meet you - it could be awkward - but have you even been to his house?

Are you absolutely sure that everything is above board?

People don't go on holidays with their ex-partner.

Make sure you're not being strung along here.

agreed ! sometimes when it looks like a duck it's a duck ! had a serious case of de ja veux here as i had a friend in your same boat, he was still living with the ex with the excuse that it was just for financial reasons and they were like brother and sister ! separate rooms etc etc.........she couldn't be told, couldn't see what all her friends could and lo and behold he ended up marrying his 'sister' eventually though even up to that point he was still claiming he was doing it only cause she was emotionally unstable !

i think your issue should not be are you over reating, but rather are you seeing the wood for the trees !

John Mason

when i split with my ex - i couldnt get him out of the house quick enough (he refused to leave).


we had paid for an amzaing 3 week holiday - it was cancelled , never in a million years would i have considered going on holidays with him

LegacyUser

karma2010 wrote: »

Here is the kicker they booked a holiday to Vegas for the end of October (way before they broke up) and his opinion is he is not losing out but neither is she so they are both still going… on holidays… Together!!

Like I understand he is in a difficult situation with his ex and I understand they have to be amicable but is still going on holidays a bit too far or am I over –reacting??

You're not over reacting. Tell him it's you or the holidays. He can't have both. If he choses the holiday with his ex, you have your answer.
He sounds like a bit of a tosser to be honest

Squiggler

OP, your situation reminds me of the brother of an ex of mine. The ex and I were friends for about 5 years before we started dating and were together another 5. During all of that time his brother was engaged, to a girl who bore him two children and they all lived together as a family. But, also, for that entire time, and still as far as I know, the brother was consistently stringing some poor girl or other along.

He'd tell her that he wasn't with the fiancee, didn't love her, trapped because of the kids etc. Then he and the girl would rent a place together (with her ending up paying the majority of the rent and bills because of his other committment) and he'd tell her she was the one for him etc. There would be nights he'd have to stay at the family home, with excuses of a sick child, or babysitting so the 'ex' could go out. In the mean time his fiancee was being told stories of long distance 'jobs' requiring overnight stays somewhere down the country. He'd juggle the two for as long as he could get away with it, eventually the poor second girl would find out and dump him and he'd crawl back to the fiancee, who would believe all his lies about being led astray by some harpy and take him back.

I hope that this isn't what's happening in your case, but unless you've met the 'ex' I wouldn't count it out.

jessiejam

I'm thinking you may be a little naive here. I wouldn't put up with him heading off on hols with an ex, never mind living with one!

He should either cancel his end and let her go with a friend or her new beau, or she should cancel hers and he should be asking you to go. After all ye are falling in love aren't ye? or do you think the feeling isn't mutual.

I think this could very well be a make or break holiday for them, I hope he's not making a complete eejit out of you.

blairbear

Overreacting?! You are completely and utterly underreacting!!

To be honest, if it was my boyfriend and he was still living with his ex, I would tell him to take a hike and get back to me when he's sorted himself out. Is it not horrendously awkward for him, living with her? It sounds like my idea of hell...and most people would agree...UNLESS one or both of them harboured feelings for the other..

There's one of three things going on here;
1. He's still actually with her. They haven't broken up at all.

2. They're broken up but are still sleeping together the odd time, or the edges are blurred in some way.

3. They aren't involved with each other sexually anymore but she secretly thinks they're going to work things out and won't move out.

Come on, regardless of the "current economic climate", do neither of them have a friend with a couch or a spare room? This has been going on since FEBRUARY. Could they not have rented the house out in the mean time and used the rent money to get separate places for themselves while they wait for a more permanent solution?

And the holiday to Vegas thing???!! I was kind of willing to give him the benefit of the doubt until that was brought into the equation. Nobody would go on holidays with their recent ex unless there's still something going on. If it were me, I'd tell him to either extricate himself from the holiday or that's the two of you done.

And ask to meet the ex. Go around to his house. Suss out what's going on. Don't be so passive about this. This is your future happiness at stake and you don't want to throw it away or waste it on some eejit who's stringing the two of you girls along.

StarryMoon0

Ok, I have a friend that broke it off with her fiance, but they had bought a house at the height of the boom. Initially they lived in the same house, as both names on the mortgage, neither could afford to buy the other out. The payments were so high that they could not afford to pay thier half of the mortgage, PLUS rent. It lasted a few months, but then she eventually moved out and he managed to get a loan to buy her out, but it wasn't easy as the place was worth less than they paid for it. They were not sleeping together, and lived seperate lives. So, that in itself could be genuine..who knows

However, the holiday. Thats dodgy IMO. When i asked my husband to leave the house and separated, we had booked and fully paid for a very expensive tropical holiday. In the end, neither of us went and we had to forfeit the moeny paid. Yes, was not nice to "lose" that money, but it was already gone anyways. I'm not talking 2K here.. over 7500 euros.

If I were in your position,I could accept the living arrangements short term, but not the holiday.

karma2010

Thanks so much for all the input I know it looks really bad the thing is I do believe him with regards to them being def broken up as before himself and I got together we were friends for about a year first so I know probably too much about the background of their relationship and their break up (which had nothing to do with me btw we came about six months after)

I know their financial situation they both bought the place two years ago its lost so much value now and neither can afford to move out or buy the other one out place is on the market though….


I have been over to the house and while have yet to come face to face with the ex she does know about me as we have not kept it a secret or hid the fact we were together so nearly all our friends clearly know we are together and they would also know his ex…

I think it’s just a difficult situation for them both which I am completely understanding about its just the holiday part that is making me reach breaking point I know that I have to step up and be like hold on a minute… but hate arguing so always avoid it…

With regards to the love situation the feelings are mainly coming from him and if anything I am being a little closed off (a little guarded been hurt before and knew well the situation I was letting myself in for with him and his ex) I have yet to tell him I am falling in love with him (which I am) but he has told me completely openly how he feels about me (the L word) which is why I trust him… Very confused L

But thanks so much for the input just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making something out of nothing …

LegacyUser

ok, 2 words that dont go together is ...EX and VEGAS !

Remember the say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!? well all so true and not only I would not be ok with my new in love boyfriend going on holidays with an ex, friendly terms or not, let alone VEGAS !!! I mean, if you gamble you have free drinks!, helllooo!!!

So as other posters have said, whats the room arrangement? what are they gonna do there? rellax and hang by the pool and jsut few cocktails? Listen, he might not have bad intentions but it is absolutely not considerate on his part to go on holidays with her after telling you in loves you...it just doest add up to be honest.

I for one, if i was in love with someone i wouldnt want to be away from them on holiday with an ex on the top of it!

He has to realized thats its money lost, end of, he's already doing some sacrifice staying living with her because of the morgage but for the holidays im sure he can take a dive and forget about it.
What does the bf of the ex says anyway? highly doubt hes happy bout it too frankly.

Hvae a chat with him and stand up to your believe, holidays in VEGAS is a big no no, trust me on this, I went there 4 times and ....its not innocent!

Also, the ex being cool with it and all well let me tell you this as first place experience, I had an ex who broke up with me and i pretended for a very long time, very well may i add, that all was ok and that i was over him, even got myself a new guy...well you know what..deep down i still loved him, very much so, and i waited that he comes around and see what he missed by hanging out and having fun together. I even had him plan on going on holidays with me to a place that meant a lot to me and he was going cos he cared and wanted to be there for me and guess what happened 1 month befor we went? he called me to say that he had started to see someone and that he wouldnt feel right going away with me! and it was only for 4 days but he had enough respect and caring for her NOT to go with me, and they were not even boyfriend/gf at the time so clearly if your bf loves you as he claims he will see that after you talk to him calmly and he wont go.

It is only fair.

Good luck to you and keep us posted

sickofwaiting

I cant see what the big deal is. If he wanted to be with her he would, but he's with you so he doesn't. They both have obviously shelled out alot of cash on this trip and probably need a break. From your OP you mention they are stuck in the place because of the economic climate. They are probably up to their necks in negative equity and can't bear to see another few K going down the drain by cancelling the holiday. A holiday they both could really use if they are dealing with the stress of negative equity. Everybody's situation is different, some people might feel like cancelling such a holiday once they've broken up, but these two seem to both be up for it and neither wants to basically forfeit a few grand so they are happy enough to go. So why don't you just let them on and let them enjoy a likely much needed holiday?

Another issue is the fact you have been going out for only 6 months. Whatever about cancelling this holiday if he had been going out with you for 18 months or even a year, 6 months is really a short amount of time for him to go cancelling an expensive holiday that was planned months in advance.

I really can't see what all the fuss is over in any case. Big deal if they go on holidays together, they are broken up and if they were going to get back together they could have done it anytime in the last 6 months when they were both living in the same house. Just let them enjoy the holiday and don't guilt trip your bf into cancelling in which case he will be down several K and will be spending his week off being miserable stuck here in Ireland and resenting you for it.

LegacyUser

ok im not sure if you have ever been in love Sickofwaiting you must clearly not have been near this situation.

YES it is a big deal, it might have been only 6 months but the guy already told her he LOVES her for christ sake.

The part "OH let them enjoy their holidays etc.. " comes has they are going there as a couple...they are not just friends, they are exes! and if you have read any of the numerous posts that go on this forum it is pret-ty clear that exes cant be friends! if in any at all can make it its usally after a long time apart, those have never been apart, they live together still! what tells you that his ex might not have still feelings for him deep down??

SO yes, cancelling the holidays its only fair, because clearly you have never been to Vegas as I can assure you that even if they are tight money wise, well Vegas is the last place on earth you wanna go when you are tight with cash. He will end up spending a whole lot more than if he would just cancel or have someone goes instead of him.

If he needs a break then why not take his NEW gf that he loves on a weekend gettaway that i guaranty you will cost a much less than the spending in Vegas with the ex.

Oh should i remind you that so far they could be in the same room during that time?? when you have a relationship history I dont think its best, not so soon after a break up anyway.

I think he might cancel it once the OP talk with him about her concerns and not being so comfortable about it, sometimes guys dont see it our way, or how awkward it can be until you point it out. No offense intended for the male population btw.

Best of luck OP

BettePorter

sickofwaiting wrote: »

they are broken up and if they were going to get back together they could have done it anytime in the last 6 months when they were both living in the same house. .

But yu see thats the point ppl here are making...............HAVE they actually broken up ! As a previous poster said, it's vegas ! it's not a week away somewhere you can go sight seeing on your own......Vegas is all about excess and blowing off steam ! Surely he should be relieved at the money he has saved by not going (with a woman he no longer has feelings for !) yet here he is proposing to spend another few grand on spends in a bid to 'save' money on a pre booked holiday. definitely suspect imo !!

IrishEyes19

Exactly, he's going to VEGAS with his ex girlfriend, to VEGAS where's theres a hell of a lot of alcohol and sleazy hotels and all sorts of shows and amusements....and have you asked him what the sleeping arrangements are...I mean obviously if they were together, they booked one room, has that been changed? No man who loves you goes on a holiday with his ex gf, honestly!! That is really dodgy and to be honest, if he thinks he can get away with this type of stuff at this stage in your relationship, I can only imagine what other stuff he will throw on you.

I know its easy for us to say question it, but its also very easy to believe someone and what we want to hear, when we love that person, but no-body should have to be a third wheel in a relationship and sorry but with his current relationship with his ex, you sound like one.

LegacyUser

No one goes to Vegas for a relaxing holidays....You go there to Party!! think of loads of money spent, atttractions, shows, but also..pool, bikini, booze and lap dancing!

I can guaranty you when you plan holidays to Vegas, like they did obviously before they broke up, you know you are going to save a good amount of money so technicaly, it propably would be more beneficial for him if he is so tight in spending to NOT go. I can not even begin to tell you how much I have spent everytime I went there.

And the debaucherie that goes on, Im a girl and been there with boyfriends and also with friends and lapt dance etc...I mean, like i said before, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!

If you are unsure about talking to him going there still picture this.....Him calling you telling you he misses you, its not the same without you, that its ok ok with the ex etc while hes talking to you with a tequila sunrise cocktail in one hand looking at his ex girlfriend in bikini by the pool!
Obviously this is a scenario, but in Vegas, totally can be true!

Is that what a normal in love relationship you are in...not really right, so just talk to him, if hes honest and loves and care for YOU as well then he wont go. simple as.

Zaph

OP, there's no need to re-format the text, the default font is just fine. Thanks.

LegacyUser

OP, is there any chance you could buy your own ticket!? That would put a dampner on any 'happenings' between then? Better still, buy the ticket off the ex if she needs the money that much.

sickofwaiting

BettePorter wrote: »

But yu see thats the point ppl here are making...............HAVE they actually broken up ! As a previous poster said, it's vegas ! it's not a week away somewhere you can go sight seeing on your own......Vegas is all about excess and blowing off steam ! Surely he should be relieved at the money he has saved by not going (with a woman he no longer has feelings for !) yet here he is proposing to spend another few grand on spends in a bid to 'save' money on a pre booked holiday. definitely suspect imo !!

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Exactly, he's going to VEGAS with his ex girlfriend, to VEGAS where's theres a hell of a lot of alcohol and sleazy hotels and all sorts of shows and amusements....and have you asked him what the sleeping arrangements are...I mean obviously if they were together, they booked one room, has that been changed? No man who loves you goes on a holiday with his ex gf, honestly!! That is really dodgy and to be honest, if he thinks he can get away with this type of stuff at this stage in your relationship, I can only imagine what other stuff he will throw on you.

I know its easy for us to say question it, but its also very easy to believe someone and what we want to hear, when we love that person, but no-body should have to be a third wheel in a relationship and sorry but with his current relationship with his ex, you sound like one.

Don't worry I'm well up to speed on vegas. And if the OP is concerned about him cheating in vegas she has ALOT more to be worried about with him going off with some whores than with this ex. He's been living with this ex for the last 6 months and if they didn't get it on over that period of time of spending every day together I highly highly doubt they have any interest in restarting the relationship.

The only thing I can see her have reason to worry over is the BF giong off with some girl or hiring a whore. But she will have that worry every time he goes away to any city without her. So she can either chose to trust him or not. But I would not be in the slightest bit concerned about the ex that he has been having a strictly platonic relationship while living together while broke up. He will have far more tempting offers in vegas than some ex that he could've slept with any night of the week over the last 6 months but hasn't bothered.

IrishEyes19

sickofwaiting wrote: »

Don't worry I'm well up to speed on vegas. And if the OP is concerned about him cheating in vegas she has ALOT more to be worried about with him going off with some whores than with this ex. He's been living with this ex for the last 6 months and if they didn't get it on over that period of time of spending every day together I highly highly doubt they have any interest in restarting the relationship.

The only thing I can see her have reason to worry over is the BF giong off with some girl or hiring a whore. But she will have that worry every time he goes away to any city without her. So she can either chose to trust him or not. But I would not be in the slightest bit concerned about the ex that he has been having a strictly platonic relationship while living together while broke up. He will have far more tempting offers in vegas than some ex that he could've slept with any night of the week over the last 6 months but hasn't bothered.

To be honest, I think it's disgraceful! I would never approve of it! And if the ex is never there while the OP is there, sorry but how can she even tell if their relationship is completely platonic, you only have delve into some other posts on this board to see how many decent people have been fooled by their OH. Most people wouldnt even tolerate their bf being good friends with their ex, but going away to Vegas, that's mental to be honest. How could you ever feel reassured knowing your bf is living with his ex in the same house and now going to Vegas with her, it should him whose going to vegas with the OP, did he take her holiday this year, I should hope so!

LegacyUser

ok OP, I have read again your comments before I start going off suject and making it just about Vegas.

SO if i got it right, you were friends with him before, and you got together in Feb, by that time he was broken up with her 6 months....so considering you dont just wake up a morning and break up with someone out of the blue with no reasons im guessing they must have had some issues....sooooo really, their holidays must have been plan WAY over a year ago then!!

The worry is not the hookers and whores as so delicatly pointed out by SICKOFWAITING, paying for cheap sex is not as dramatic comparse to sex with an ex with who you have history serious enough to have bought a hosue together. I dont mean paying for sex is ok, im jsut saying its a whole lot less concerning than the ex.

I would no problem with a bf going away with his lads to vegas, but with an ex there is no way i would ever let that happened and an honest loving bf wouldnt do that to a gf he claim to love, its simply disrespectfu,l end of.

That is a hell of a lonh time ahead to plan a holidays, and needless to say, when you plan holidays with an other half to vegas its for the cazyness to have TOGETHER

now, he doesnt want to lose out, sure ok im almost trust that and so does she i dont think i trust that, SICKOFWAITING is totally naive to tell you its no biggie cos in my opinion no one can know for sure, you included, if the ex doesnt have a plan in the back of her head to win him back..what a better place than vegas!! you only have the words of your bf on it and still his ex could have well convinced of it.

one poster suggest that you maybe try to get yourself a plane ticket as well....well why not! if it really is jsut friends and its not a couple holidays than it shouldnt be a problem then., correct? if he loves you, he will loves you to be there with him.

so to answer your original question, NO you are NOT over reacting!!! not the slightest.

Hope you have a good talk with him but for sure do.

Best

Lorrs33

The fact that they could afford a holiday to Vegas in the first place gives me the impression that what they lose out on by cancelling it won't really be much skin off their nose. I would tell him straight out that I'm not comfortable with this.