Help!

LegacyUser

Right, this could be a long one so please bear with me.

Let's get some background:

I am a 21 year old male from Dublin. I attended a Psychologist for 1 and a half years up until last July. Here are the main things which were affecting me: I was really anxious; I had low self-confidence; and I was generally depressed. Now, those things seem to have been resolved (or maybe not?) and I honestly could not be happier with how it turned out. I feel happy with who I am, I have more confidence and ambition than I ever had and I think can calmly talk myself through most situations. Btw, all of these mental health issues that I have mentioned - and probably what I will be mentioning - stem from something in my youth. I was picked on because I stood out, this was due to a physical deformity which plagued me for some years. Obviously, no girls wanted me in my teen years due to this problem and I had very few friends at that time. The deformity is no longer present, but, obviously the emotional issues have lingered. I don't know if that's relevant but I may as well include it.

So, why am i here?

Well, I have issues with women (what else, eh?). For instance: I talk to a friend (a girl) who I met online, she's from South Africa and she's amazing. She's articulate, beautiful and, like me, a bit quirky. Obviously, I like her and I know she likes me. She understands me like nobody else. I have known her for some time.

Here's the weird bit: I find myself unable to tear myself away from this girl. I rush home from work to go on MSN or Skype to see if she's online, and if she's not, I wait around until she comes on; to the point where I won't even go out for a walk for fear of missing her if she does come online. I think about her A LOT and find it hard to concentrate on other things during the day. I feel pushed into talking to her, it's like my mind is saying: "If you don't talk to this girl everyday she will forget about you and you will have no chance. You have to constantly placate her" I obviously have a fear of losing people I like.

I have always wanted to leave this country. I don't hate Ireland but I am young, I want to spread my wings and experience the World. Do I see this girl as some sort of escapism? As in, she lives in a distant land that I can daydream about during the day. It's like I am grasping onto this girl with an iron grip because she's, so to speak, my ticket out of here.. that may sound blunt, but you know what I mean.

I want to be normal. I want to not worry about when she's coming onto MSN. I want to be able to live my normal life while still being able to have a conversation with her. I was able to talk to her normally without fear of "losing her" for some time, but what's changed that makes me feel like I have an obligation to talk to her all the time? Why can't I just relax like I used to be able to do? It's so strange. I am battling with my brain. I seem to get infatuated with women too easily.

I had a small argument with her last night, nothing major, but my brain won't stop telling me: "she's blocked you from her MSN, you will never talk to her again". Currently, I am torturing myself wondering if she will pop up online tonight. Sweet Christ, I seem so sad, and what's even sadder is the fact that I am aware that all of this is absurd yet my brain won't get the picture.

And I know someone's going to suggest going back to the Psychologist to get this resolved, but I honestly cannot afford that at the moment. I also don't have the time. Starting this month I will be going to college some evenings and I also work full-time. I just need someone to talk some sense into me.

I am an all-or-nothing type person, which has been pointed out to me throughout my whole life, I find it hard to take things in steps; instead, I dive in head first with little regard for a safety net.But how can I talk myself around? How can I tell myself to calm down and act rationally? I just want to be chilled out and nonchalant about this whole affair, and with women in general. Help alleviate the pain.

Thank you for reading. Any advice is appreciated.

Oryx

Firstly, this girl in SA? The reason she is amazing is because she is one dimensional and very far away. You are not seeing the real person, just the sanitised MSN face she puts on for you.

You sound like you are using this girl as a prop in your life, something to make life interesting and exciting. The way to not need her to do that, is to create something real in your life, not just words and pictures on a screen. MSN and computers are great when we are bored, but you will find that if you find other things in your life to exercise your brain and interest you, your obsession with this girl will fade.

As with all kinds of addiction, I think right now, you may need to go cold turkey, when it comes to her. Because you are obsessed with getting your daily fix of her, and you need to get out of that rut.

I cannot advise on the steps needed to conquer addiction, but you will need to find them and use them, if necessary, if you cant stop contacting this girl. I know people might say sure, there is nothing wrong, she could be the love of your life, blah blah. But if you felt that your relationship with her was on the level and healthy, you wouldnt be posting here.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the response. I wasn't expecting many replies due to the length of my post but, thankfully, yours seems to have covered all bases.

Yes, she's currently living in SA, I have never seen her face to face. I have talked with her through Skype but that's about as close and personal as things have gotten.

Tbh, seeing what you've written in front of me pretty much spells everything out. I cannot debate with you on many points here, mainly because I agree with it all. I am using her as a prop. Talking to someone mainly through text puts across a certain visage, one that may not be true if I met the person in real life. On MSN, or other such online messengers, you can obviously censor yourself to come off as best as possible.

I may also have an addiction to the internet. I have tried my best to limit my time on it, but sometimes it can be hard.

I shall most definitely heed your words and try to squash this.

Again, thanks for the help. Much appreciated.