Want to part on good terms with a friend but things are so messed up

Anon_IRL.Joe

I won't go into much detail since its a very long story. Basically, there was a girl I liked and she didn't feel the same. I was feeling quite suicidal about a month ago and turned to her for help. She never helped out and I felt deeply hurt. Another thing was the fact that she had lied about not being ready for a relationship due to some trust issues she had when two days later, she changed her relationship status to "In an Open Relationship". Anyway, long story short, because of my frustration, I sent her a few immature messages at the end of the week, basically asking does she want to see or not? She kept saying to me responding to those messages that she didn't want to meet me alone but as she had arranged to meet me at least 3 times that week and cancelled each time, I naturally got upset. I decided to tell her what I wanted to say to her in a message instead of meeting up with her since she didn't seem interested.

Anyway, I felt that the last message I sent to her would make me come across as a prick so I feel bad about it so I want to leave things between us on good terms. Firstly, because although I feel hurt, I still think she is a good person and secondly, because we leave in a smallish town and I'm afraid she'll go bad mouthing about me about all of this and then I'd have a tainted reputation.

This was the last message I sent to her. This was after she said that the person who she wanted to meet me with wasn't there so she said to leave it.

"Ok. Look X, my feelings for you are too intense so I can't be friends with you, I'm sorry. I wrote a poem for you that I'll send now. I hope it can make you feel better. I wish you the best and I hope everything works out for you. I enjoyed our time together."

I won't repeat the poem but people have told me that it was well written. So basically, I suspect that I may have come across as a prick to her this whole time so for the reasons I mentioned before, I'd like to rectify it but at the same time, I stand by my choice of cutting off contact so I don't want her to think that things can go back to how they were (being friends). So, should I just leave it like I have done until now or is it worth trying to rectify it?

JonathanAnon

Sometimes you just cant make things right, and there is a temptation to keep tinkering around with it. If she is not prepared to meet you alone, it sounds like you are scaring her and she no longer feels comfortable in your presence. Best thing to do is leave her alone.. At least for a few weeks.

Kimia

Oh god. You sent her a poem? Even after she specifically said she did not want to meet you or even talk to you?

Op leave her alone. Stop obsessing over it and just leave her alone.

whatsamsn

Op (i am not being harsh with my comments, just firm so dont think I am a jerk :P )


you have nothing with this girl.
I pick your thread up as you wanted to date her. From the sounds of it she clearly wasnt into you. So to hell with her.
I could be wrong but this sounds like a dating site type of thing. Are you actually friends with this girl? like, before trying date with her were you friends?

I can understand with suicidal thoughts, your senses/reading things will be off. Not to be so blunt ... but you tried to date a girl. She just fobbed you off - read that as your answer.

Tip as well, dont tell people about your suicidal thoughts. You'll just shoot yourself in the foot with any potential romantic interests. Thats your secret. Keep it to yourself. Dont tell anyone.

pow wow

Leave it, and her, alone. Things are messed up enough at the moment for even the best of intentions to come across as pushy or overbearing. Let it go for now. Who knows what will happen in time....but nothing good can come of it now.

Zen65

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

Basically, there was a girl I liked and she didn't feel the same. I was feeling quite suicidal about a month ago and turned to her for help. She never helped out and I felt deeply hurt.

whatsamsn wrote: »

Tip as well, dont tell people about your suicidal thoughts.

Just to be clear about this, I expect that whatsamsn actually means to say "don't tell the girl you fancy about your suicidal thoughts".

If you have real suicidal thoughts then you need help. You cannot get that help from your unrequited love interest, you need help from somebody who can help you come to terms with your emotions and help you see past the negative thoughts which fuel the ideas of self-harm.

Phone Aware at 1890 303 302 and talk to somebody who can help you without being judgemental.

or

Phone the Samaritans at 1850 60 90 90

or

Talk to your family members, if you can. Do not leave thoughts of killing or harming yourself linger in your head. Never delude yourself by thinking that somebody will find you attractive if you threaten to kill or harm yourself if they don't reciprocate your feelings. They won't find this attractive at all, they will find it scary and threatening!!

And yes, do not "stalk" people who have said they are not interested in having a relationship with you. The major difference between people who are lonely and single and those who enjoy happy relationships is just perseverance i.e. continuing to look around for relationships, rather than fixating on one which is going nowhere. Save your poetry for your future girlfriends, not the girls you are "chasing". It works in the movies, it rarely ever works in real life.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

So, should I just leave it like I have done until now or is it worth trying to rectify it?

(Sorry, I should have answered this bit too in my earlier post)

Leave it.

If you move on, maintain friendly relations with other people, make new friends, eventually find a girl(s) who likes you the way you are and establish a relationship or two, then this girl will understand you were just going through a phase. You may well become friends (nothing more) in the future.

If you keep trying to "rectify it" she will freak out and probably come to hate or fear you. There is nothing to be gained by going back to her.

Be at peace,

Z

whatsamsn

Zen65 wrote: »

Just to be clear about this, I expect that whatsamsn actually means to say "don't tell the girl you fancy about your suicidal thoughts"....

Should of made that more clear :P
yeah thats exactly what I meant

Telling close people you have those thoughts is good and can be helpful but when it comes to anyone who you might want to have a romantic possbility with, it would be best to not tell. Something like that would only be best to be shared after you are deep into a relationship.

LegacyUser

Op, I'm coming from the side of the girl coz this happened to me with a guy I knew we were friends and he wanted to make it more. I didn't really but he was persistant and we tried for a while but I knew he wasn't for me and when I told him this he reacted completlely out of proportion.(in my opinion) He threathened suicide claimed that I had led him on sank into a deep depression.

He then kept contacting me and writing me poems and songs now they were well written but to be honest he really creeped me out.

I talked to him friends and told them how depressed he was so they would help him but I never contacted him again and never responded to him. He made me feel very uncomfortable and I was begining to feel frightened of him.

She's not interested continued contact is not going to change her mind. You need to concentrate on getting yourself healthy and then maybe then think about moving on with someone else.

seenitall

Zen65 wrote: »

The major difference between people who are lonely and single and those who enjoy happy relationships is just perseverance i.e. continuing to look around for relationships, rather than fixating on one which is going nowhere.

Just to be clear about this;)... that's really off, Zen65. Wide off the mark.

There are many, many lonely and single people out there who are forever looking around for relationships (indeed, lots of people say that's what they shouldn't be doing, as per the old chestnut: "Love will find you once you stop looking"), a vast majority of them are not suicidal or fixating on anything or anyone, and a lot of them will never "enjoy a happy relationship", due to either circumstance or any other number of varied factors, so to boil the likelihood of success down to just perseverance is, I am sure you realise, a big, erroneous generalisation.

OP, I think you know yourself that you have moved close to stalker territory.

No. More. Contact.

Anon_IRL.Joe

thank you all for the advice. I really do appreciate it.

I'd like to mention that the poem I wrote was something that I made when I was in my better days (feeling a lot happier) so there was no negative connection to it. The suicidal thoughts were also separate from the situation as there are other things (aside from this girl I mean) that I'm feeling very low about.

I'm not intent in maintaining any form of friendship or relationship with this girl. I just wanted to end things on good terms by apologising for the way I was behaving (e.g.: desperate, needy, etc.). Like a respect of differences without bitterness. So I just wanted to send an apology. Like I said before, we live in a smallish town so I'm afraid that she will go round to her friends telling them how messed up I am and then her friends' will tell their friends and then I'd have some sort of tainted reputation and I wouldn't have a close ring of friends so I feel it would greatly hinder my chances of making friends if word got round which would result in stronger feelings of loneliness for me.

Taltos

OP - is this the same girl you had the other threads on?

If so and even if not here is my advice for what it is worth.
DROP IT.

You cannot part on good terms or do anything here as it appears there is not a friendship to recover.
If you persist in contacting her I want you to know that very shortly you may be contacted regarding stalking this girl.

There is only ONE way to part on good terms now.
Leave her alone - and I mean totally alone.
If you pass her on the street just ignore her.
If she says Hi in passing (she won't) do NOT respond.

I also think maybe you should talk to someone about your inability to just move on or to recognise when you have to just say goodbye and leave it there.

Please please please consider getting some help.

Anon_IRL.Joe

Ok. Thanks for all the advice people. I'll just leave it.