Boyfriend's unhappiness

LegacyUser

Going unregged for this. I just don't know where to start. My boyfriend is terminally unhappy and he is starting to hate our little family. He is taking so much of his anger out on our toddler - called him a "waste of space", "sh1thead" and "stupid f*cking child" yesterday. I know he is depressed, has always drank a lot, but has tried to stop the last few days and has said he will try counselling...but its not just the drinking that is the issue, there are family issues he won't talk about that are the root of the problem.
He can't take any criticism or advice, just verbally attacks me - its gotten to the point where it is just easier not to say anything at all. It just can't go on like this when it is affecting our children now too.
I'm so stressed now, I'm beginning to have panic attacks. We have money issues we can't even talk about- I had to borrow money from family members and they need it back, I have no way to pay without boyfriend's help - his finances are separate from mine and its like he sees it that I got myself into this situation.
I think he'd like to be single and carefree again. His unhappiness is like a cloud over us all now. Has anyone tried counselling and got a success story? I think we need a miracle if we're going to get through this, the cracks are beginning to show.

Nevyn

Consider leaving him while he is sorting himself out.
Get yourself some help and tell family memebers what is going on.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/alanon.htm
http://www.aware.ie/help/support/support_groups_info/

Both of these groups have support for the family and loved ones who have to deal with the fall out of drinking and depression.

coolcat63

Get out. Now. Before the verbal abuse becomes physical - you're already accepting the insults, what happens when they become slaps? You and your child do not deserve one iota of this and it can nothing other than damage you both.

Can you go to parents, family or friends today? I'm sure that they would be horrified to hear what's going on. Don't cover up for him.

sbsquarepants

Don't ever let anybody speak to your child like that!
Tell this guy it's not acceptable and if he does it again he's out on his ear and moest importantly MEAN IT. If the kid is misbehaving, by all means he needs to be stopped, we all have to learn how to behave after all, but this is not the way. This will cause him all manner of problems in later life, sort it out sooner rather than later.

CDfm

OP I am going to go against the flow here a bit.Lots of organisations deal with seperated issues in a very gung ho way.

You need to discuss your options and he needs to discuss his and however you do so is up to you but for you check these out.

http://onefamily.ie/

And for both of you

http://www.uspi.ie/

There is a recession at the moment and people are dealing with a lot of stresses & his drinking wont help.Maybe if he is stressed out and depressed he needs to talk to his GP.

Being a new Dad is stressfull too and thats why I put the link up for USPI as lots of the parenting resourses out there for men are very girlie - nothing wrong with that but real men are Dads too. He may find coping difficult and may have picked up his parenting shills at home.

I am divorced and spend a lot of time going to court to get access.

Maybe these may give you both a glimpse at the options before you take action.

Ickle Magoo

OP,

If your partner is verbally attacking you and your child then he needs to change his behaviour and seek out the appropriate help for his depression and anger management/parenting issues. Of course parenting is hard and depression can make life even harder but there is absolutely no excuse for being abusive to a wee toddler and permanently angry at a partner, never mind exacerbating the issue by chucking drink down his neck - he has to at least attempt to help himself and acknowledge what is and what is not acceptable behaviour if he wants to remain a part of your family.

I think you have to sit him down and explain where you are and what has to change if he wants the relationship to survive and I think you'd do well to find alternative living arrangements until such a time as he is capable of having a healthy relationship and being a good role model for your child. I wouldn't be guilted into puting up with his behaviour a minute longer out of pity either, he's a grown man and responsible for what he says and does and whether he makes life so unpleasant for you and your child that you decide to leave him.

All the best

kayos

coolcat63 wrote: »

Get out. Now. Before the verbal abuse becomes physical - you're already accepting the insults, what happens when they become slaps?

So because he shouts he is going to become physically violent? You dont have one bit of evidence to say the OP's partner will hit her. The OP didnt even suggest it. Why oh why do men get painted with this brush.

Every one has arguements and sometimes these become heated i.e. raised voices.

sbsquarepants wrote: »

Don't ever let anybody speak to your child like that!

Its his child too. Not that it makes any difference as he shouldnt be speaking like that to a child his or anyone elses.

Sorry but the usual anti men sentiment that shows on boards is coming out again.

Ickle at least gives a sensible balanced post. Try sort it, tell him whats wrong, and if that fails then examine your options.

At least the guy has agreed to go to counselling just make sure he does.

LegacyUser

kayos wrote: »

Sorry but the usual anti men sentiment that shows on boards is coming out again.

And there's a lot of anti women sentiment on boards too. Don't you think you should acknolwedge that, seeing as you want to see fair and balanced opinions?

OP, I would move out if I were you. Tell your partner to get himself sorted. Don't allow him back into your lives until he can control his anger. He's doing untold damage to your (plural 'your' in case anyone complains) child, damage which is sometimes irreparable.

Nevyn

This thread is not to decend into a gender war if you have an issue with a post report it.

coolcat63

kayos wrote: »

So because he shouts he is going to become physically violent? You dont have one bit of evidence to say the OP's partner will hit her. The OP didnt even suggest it. Why oh why do men get painted with this brush.

Every one has arguements and sometimes these become heated i.e. raised voices.

Its his child too. Not that it makes any difference as he shouldnt be speaking like that to a child his or anyone elses.

With respect, if the OP is at a stage where "He can't take any criticism or advice, just verbally attacks me - its gotten to the point where it is just easier not to say anything at all" and her partner "is taking so much of his anger out on our toddler - called him a "waste of space", "sh1thead" and "stupid f*cking child" yesterday" then do you not think it's prudent for her to remove herself, and the children, to a place where there is no possibility that verbal aggression could develop into physical aggression? I didn't say she should end the relationship (yet) but I can not see any positives in staying under the same roof as a man who is causing her to have panic attacks....

LegacyUser

Thank you for all the replies. No, there hasn't been anything physical but some of the verbal attacks have such venom that I think it might not be too much bigger a step. He asked me if he had hit me the other night - he didn't, but surely if he is unsure whether he did or not it wouldn't be out of the question to actually go as far as hitting me.
I seem to have taken on some Machiavellian role in his life. I don't know why when other things in his life aren't going so well for him, he takes it out on the only ones trying to support him. I read a little about narcissistic personality disorder and some elements under the awful americanised title would apply to him.

If I leave or he leaves while we get this sorted out it is going to cause huge disruption to other people's lives - the few people we can rely on have already have a huge amount to deal with emotionally and financially and I know they couldn't cope with this and it would be just too much to ask.

Wish he could just wake up tomorrow and decide he is going to be happy. I love him and that is what I want for him and us but it looks like its never going to happen and its time for me to do something about it. I sound pathethic and my head hurts.

I came to this forum to steer away from the man bashers so thanks again for all the replies.

LegacyUser

Ok, so I won't man bash.

But I WILL try to think of this from your childs persepective.

When I had my child, I got out of a difficult relationship,, for the sake of my child. I the day my ex partner told my 2yr old he was a 'piece of sh!t', I walked.

If you stay with this bloke, while he is in such turmoil, he will do untold psychological damage to your child. And your child will probably be on boards in the future, asking for advice about low self esteem/drink problems/depression and other issues all because his dad treated him like he was a 'shi1thead, and a waste of space' (your words) from a very young age.

Try to get away from him (even it means setting yourself on your own, without the support of family, who have their own stresses at the moment) AT LEAST until he sorts himself out. You are an adult and you understand that alot of his drinking and verbal attacks are due to stress/depression.
But the child is a child, who doesn't understand any of this.
What the child DOES understand is that his parent is treating him like dirt. He will grow up feeling like a piece of dirt and allow all around him to treat him like that. He will believe that his IS a piece of dirt, because his dad tells him so.
Your partner is damaging that child and it is your responsibility as the childs 'coping' parent, to take him/her out of the situation until his father treats him right.

CDfm

manictuesday wrote: »

If I leave or he leaves while we get this sorted out it is going to cause huge disruption to other people's lives - the few people we can rely on have already have a huge amount to deal with emotionally and financially and I know they couldn't cope with this and it would be just too much to ask.

Wish he could just wake up tomorrow and decide he is going to be happy. I love him and that is what I want for him and us but it looks like its never going to happen and its time for me to do something about it. I sound pathethic and my head hurts.

Manictuesday

Once you have started looking at it you are responsible for how it goes for a happier future.

There is a lot of goodwill out there and its why I posted the USPI link.

If someone is depressed for whatever reason they cant just decide to be happy -sometimes they need a bit of help.

Going to the GP would be a start.

You sound like a really nice person so chin up and I hope things do improve.

CD

Nevyn

manictuesday wrote: »

If I leave or he leaves while we get this sorted out it is going to cause huge disruption to other people's lives - the few people we can rely on have already have a huge amount to deal with emotionally and financially and I know they couldn't cope with this and it would be just too much to ask.

And what about the disruption and horrendous effect this is having on you mentally, emotionally and physically and on the child?

You and the child should be your top priority and then other people.

hippy_hi

OK this is a hard case...I know it is hard to leave someone when (A) you love them and (B) you know they need help and support. Do remember also that you are a person too and deserve your own love and your own help and support from yourself to yourself. Treat yourself how you would want others to treat you.

What would you recommend to a friend if this was your friend and you wern't inside this relationship?

There is help and support out there and whatever you choose to do will impact on your child forever...the child's well being will be affected in the long run and dont get me wrong here, I am not saying that you must seperate from your partner but no matter what, the well being of your child should always be taken into consideration.

If you choose to stay together and your partner continues like this, the child will have no self esteem as stated by previous messengers. On the other hand if you stay together your partner may sort himself out and get rid of his own deamons and everything would work out well, which may take months or even years.

You could also decide to seperate to become a single parent but do remember that he is still the child's father and will always have a right to see and support his child should he wish to do so and his views and opinions will then still be passed onto your child. No matter what your partner needs professional help to diagnose and get to the bottom of any underlying issues for the sake of his family.

You may choose to continue trodding along knowing in your heart what you want to do but you may not have the courage to follow through but believe me one day you will just find great strength out of nowhere that you didnt know you had to either leave the relationship if it continues the way it is going or to give him an ultimatium.

Best of luck

CDfm

Thaedydal wrote: »

And what about the disruption and horrendous effect this is having on you mentally, emotionally and physically and on the child?

You and the child should be your top priority and then other people.

`

Absolutely, and you cant cure someone elses unhappiness by becoming unhappy yourself.

You can lead a horse to water but after that its up to the horse.

CDfm

sunflower27 wrote: »

Depression or not, his behaviour is way out of order. He is treating you and your little one like ****.

Sometimes people have to hit rock bottom, OP. While you are staying in the home with him and trying to keep the peace, you are enabling him.

Is that fair if the OP does not know what she is dealing with and like it or not she has pressing financial issues that need a funtional adult to deal with.

Maybe she should not have borrowed without being able to pay back or whatever and maybe he cant cope but I cant see how allowing things to go into freefall will help. I can see how that is causing angst especially if he does not have the readies.

Being a new parent is stressful and guys can develop post natal depression too.

If the guy is depressed ,whether it is drink related or not, the immediate thing to do is see if he can get help. The OP has to be practical and pragmatic here.

metrovelvet

The guy needs help.

But OP, you cant help him right now. You have to get a way for a few days to get some head space and get a plan together and take your tot out of that environment.

TitoPuente

The sentiments he's expressing towards your child, who he's supposed to love and care for, are nothing short of shocking and frightening. I would suggest finding a 'safe house' for him and getting him away from the child for the moment. At that point, try and get him some help. See if you can get him to admit there's a serious issue and see if he'll accept treatment or therapy for whatever is causing him this pain. Either way, it's going to be a rollercoaster for you but your child comes first here no matter what.