Can't stand girlfriend's mother!

LegacyUser

I am in a real dilemma at the moment. Last week I had a huge fight with my girlfriend's mother.
Bit of background, I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years now and I really do love her to bits. There has always been one problem though, I simply hate the way her parents treat her. They recently split up and have basically been point scoring on each other through my gf ever since with little petty stuff instead of actually acting like they give a **** about her and sorting out there own problems like adults!
Now however the main problem is her mother, she makes my gf feel horrible and guilty for everything even though she has absolutely no reason to be.
The other day another big fight broke out between my gf and her mum which resulted in my gf in tears and walking out of the room, her mum followed her to carry on roaring at her so i followed and stood beside my gf. This was obviously not very well received by her mother as she flipped with me, roaring "who the f*** do I think I am" and the likes. I hadn't said anything or got involved all I did was stand beside my gf. It then got all out of hand and I admittedly said some harsh words but this is the first time I have EVER gotten involved in one of there fights (and god knows id of loved to on several occasions). It ended with her throwing me out of the house and we haven't talked since. Now my gf wants everything to be sorted out between us but I cant bring myself to talk to this women because I genuinely can not stand her, she is just a horrible person. It wouldn't bother me if I never saw her again but I think I have to for my gf's sake.
What should I do?
Thanks for reading

Wagon

swallow the pride and apologise mate.

then you and your girlfriend stay as much time a way from the house. is moving out a possibility at the moment?

mother probably is a bitch. seperation is no reason to treat your kids like crap. and i know you are just trying to help your missus because you'd probably see how she is being affected by this much more than her parents can but its too complicated for a boyfriend to get involved.

Grawns

I'd apologise in a passive agressive way. I'm so sorry but etc. She might even watch her tongue around you in future

Darlughda

No. Absolutely no apologies either necessary or useful here.

You have held back enough. Your girlfriend is being treated badly here and your are doing what you should be doing, offering back up and support.

Tough **** on her parents if they cant behave decently. There is no reason to behave like a doormat just because her parents are behaving badly.

Actually your girlfriend needs to cop on here a bit. How dare she expect you to apologise when she should be grateful to have a boyfriend willing to support her. She needs to step away from her parents and assess what and who she is apart from them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for help guys.
Well we are both going to college in a few weeks so thats not so bad i know but the problem is still always looming if we don't sort it out.
At first my gf was supportive of me and was on my side, but now she wants to sort it all out which involves me apologizing for interfering. I would personally rather stick needles in my eyes and I have said this to my gf but she says I should do it for her and says she can't understand why I'm being so stubborn. Is it so wrong for me to stick to my guns on this one occasion? I'm just so sick of the **** she's put my gf through over the last year and I'v always been her shoulder to cry on, but the one time I stand up for her, I'm in the wrong.
Thanks for replies guys.

metrovelvet

Do not get involved in a mother daughter relationship. Just dont go there.

It was not your place to step in. Your GF has to fight her own battles.

You do not have to have a relationship with her mother. Im sure your GF will understand. Your GF doesnt have to have a relationship with her either.

LegacyUser

OP, I agree with the above poster, there's absolutely no need to apologise. I had a situation like this a couple of years back. My gf's parents were fighting big time so were stressed. My gf's mother came out with some really horrible stuff to her at a time when my gf was going through a very vunerable stage, to such an extent that my gf came home to me in absolute tears. I was livid and had had too many times where I'd held my tongue. I told her by text that my gf was upset by what she said and that it wasn't very nice. Well, I got such an abusive reply, telling me to have respect for elders, to never speak to her that way again, etc, etc. This made me even more angry. Anyway, to cut it short, we had a family occassion 2 days later and although it was awkward, neither of us apologised nor obviously felt the need to. Sometimes it's better to just brush these things under the carpet and get on with life. If you're going to be around the family longterm, then your strength of character in standing up for your gf in the first place will be forgotten if you apologise to her mum. She was in the wrong, you said your bit, you were probably right but it got heated. Her mother isn't going to apologise to you but if you apologise to her, you'll regret it and you'll have lost her respect.

Beruthiel

big prob wrote: »

now she wants to sort it all out which involves me apologizing for interfering.

From the sounds of it, the mother had it coming. Were I in your shoes, hell would freeze over before I'd apologise. I will only ever apologise to someone if I know I'm in the wrong.
I'd bite my tongue in the future though. Leave them to it.
Your g/f could do with standing up for herself, that's up to her though.
She might even need to see a professional to help her see what an unhealthy relationship she has with her mother.
You never have to see the mother again if you do not wish it.

neuro-praxis

Perhaps there is a diplomatic solution.

Perhaps saying: "I still feel that I did the right thing by standing up for my gf, but I do apologise for losing my temper. I could have told you the way I felt in a calm manner, and will do so in the future."

Zeouterlimits

OP,

I'd suggest asking to meet the mother and your girlfriend in a café as a peaceful get-together where ye can sit down and talk about what happened.
Start by regretting whatever harsh words you said BUT that you cannot stand by while she mistreats and terrorizes the woman that you love, it's just not right.

Other posters are right in that you shouldn't just apologise, if you do nothing is likely to change.

CDfm

Beruthiel wrote: »

From the sounds of it, the mother had it coming. Were I in your shoes, hell would freeze over before I'd apologise. I will only ever apologise to someone if I know I'm in the wrong.
I'd bite my tongue in the future though. Leave them to it.
Your g/f could do with standing up for herself, that's up to her though.
She might even need to see a professional to help her see what an unhealthy relationship she has with her mother.
You never have to see the mother again if you do not wish it.

I agree with Beruthiel here but I would put a different spin on it.

She does not deserve an apology but you need to bury the hatchet. I would say listen we all let off steam so lets put it behind us blah blah blah.

I have an ex mother-in-law who is/was such an angry person that she was once sued for biting her dentist.

You need to stay out of it and your g/f needs to stay out of it too and Mumsy should know better. The good thing is that you are going off to college. You will be out of it and so will she.

Now I went thru a divorce and my ex is a clone of her Ma and these days I dont even talk to her. The seperation procedure uses lawyers and the most inane stuff comes up. It upsets everyone cos it is so picky and nasty too and people do and say hurtful things because of it ( except me cos I am angelic :pac: )

The best course of action for your g/f is not to get embroiled and to agree with everything her Mother says and thats what I told my kids to do.Lets face it-it cant hurt her Dad as its not malacious -maybe even chat to her Dad about it if she can. Easy life.

Being your age and going off to college is great and a big part of it is that it puts distance with being treated like a child and once you are away from home these things become smaller and you can put them to one side.

EDIT - at college she should check out the resourses available to deal with her Mum - there is a book -Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward an American - that is widely used for bullying and assertiveness issues and it is around a tenner.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blackmail-People-Obligation-Manipulate/dp/0060928972

Wagon

OP, ignore my crappy initial advice. This is actually a better idea.

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Perhaps there is a diplomatic solution.

Perhaps saying: "I still feel that I did the right thing by standing up for my gf, but I do apologise for losing my temper. I could have told you the way I felt in a calm manner, and will do so in the future."