Everyone seems to think I'm gay

LegacyUser

Hi,

This is a strange one. Basically I'm a lad in my early 20s who has never had a girlfriend, is a virgin, and has only ever kissed a couple of girls. I'm not awful looking or anything, its just that I'm incredibly shy and have anxiety issues (Not that I've ever told anyone about that, I'm a very uptight person and keep things close to my chest)

Basically everyone, including my friends and family assume that I am gay. I've had lots of 'encouraging' comments from friends and siblings, sometimes in proxy form (ie, 'you do know that I have no problem with gay people?' or 'Being gay doesn't necessarily have to define who you are' etc. etc.) I have very liberal views on homosexuality and have made these known to more... auld fashioned friends and family, including my father (I stopped him mid stream one time when he went on a bigoted rampage over Graham Norton. Hell, I hate Norton like any other man, but theres no need to hate him on account of who he fancies??) This all culminated last week when I overheard a conversation between three very close friends of mine. I was in bed when my flatmate brought home my two other friends from the pub. They were drunk as hell and thought I was asleep. My room is right beside the living room and I could hear every single word they said. They basically spent two hours talking about me - not bitching or anything - but saying things like 'when the hell is he going to come out' and 'he's very obviously gay' etc. etc. And more to that effect.

Now I may be slightly effiminate for my gender, I don't know. Maybe I have a funny walk. But to my knowledge I've never gazed at a man and drooled or anything like that. I masturbate over women! I only fancy women! To be frank the thought of gay sex makes me feel slightly unwell. So I just don't understand this. I am not, in any sense, shape, or form attracted to men.

.... advice?

Annasopra

Tell your friends you heard the conversation and that you are not gay

Links234

I know what it's like, I've had plenty of friends comment about me, asking if I was gay and even family members have sad "it's ok if you're gay". after I came out to a few friends about being transgender, people told me they had always thought I was bisexual or something.

I think the best thing for it is, just tell them straight up, you overheard the conversation and you're not gay.

Conceited Cat

Hi,
I think you'd feel better if you clarified it with them. I know you shouldn't have to, it's their assumption, and you might see their discussing of your sexuality as being unwarranted and insulting but they could be genuinely concerned for you and want you to feel like you can tell them. For ages I thought a close friend of mine was gay and was wondering why he felt he couldn't tell me and now he's going out with a really nice girl. I feel silly for being concerned about him now as he was just a bit camp and never really warranted my speculation.

oisindoyle

notgay,honest! wrote: »

Hi,

This is a strange one. Basically I'm a lad in my early 20s who has never had a girlfriend, is a virgin, and has only ever kissed a couple of girls. I'm not awful looking or anything, its just that I'm incredibly shy and have anxiety issues (Not that I've ever told anyone about that, I'm a very uptight person and keep things close to my chest)

Basically everyone, including my friends and family assume that I am gay. I've had lots of 'encouraging' comments from friends and siblings, sometimes in proxy form (ie, 'you do know that I have no problem with gay people?' or 'Being gay doesn't necessarily have to define who you are' etc. etc.) I have very liberal views on homosexuality and have made these known to more... auld fashioned friends and family, including my father (I stopped him mid stream one time when he went on a bigoted rampage over Graham Norton. Hell, I hate Norton like any other man, but theres no need to hate him on account of who he fancies??) This all culminated last week when I overheard a conversation between three very close friends of mine. I was in bed when my flatmate brought home my two other friends from the pub. They were drunk as hell and thought I was asleep. My room is right beside the living room and I could hear every single word they said. They basically spent two hours talking about me - not bitching or anything - but saying things like 'when the hell is he going to come out' and 'he's very obviously gay' etc. etc. And more to that effect.

Now I may be slightly effiminate for my gender, I don't know. Maybe I have a funny walk. But to my knowledge I've never gazed at a man and drooled or anything like that. I masturbate over women! I only fancy women! To be frank the thought of gay sex makes me feel slightly unwell. So I just don't understand this. I am not, in any sense, shape, or form attracted to men.

.... advice?

As others have said.Confront the people that were talking about you .Tell them you over heard their conversation word for word .Tell them that because you are quiet /shy that doesn't make you gay.Unless you confront them ,they will no doubt talk about you behind your back .

A final note ,towards the end of your comment you said and I quote "To be frank the thought of gay sex makes me feel slightly unwell."

I think to all gay men out there that comment is extremely offensive .It's bigoted and homophobic.
You are having difficulties with friends/family assumeing that you are gay and you come out with a comment like that!

gmale

notgay,honest! wrote: »

This all culminated last week when I overheard a conversation between three very close friends of mine. I was in bed when my flatmate brought home my two other friends from the pub. They were drunk as hell and thought I was asleep. My room is right beside the living room and I could hear every single word they said. They basically spent two hours talking about me - not bitching or anything - but saying things like 'when the hell is he going to come out' and 'he's very obviously gay' etc. etc. And more to that effect.

To be honest, it sounds like you have great frineds. We all talk about people, all people talk about us. What makes your friends so great is that despite the fact that they were drunk they didnt stoop to taking the piss. Saying something like "when the hell is he going to come out" would seem as if they are showing concern for your well being.

You have cool friends, even if you are all straight!

Dont confront them, dont get angry with them, from what you said it seems they are looking out for you. Just say to them some day soon in conversation that there is a girl in your class/office that you fancy and were wondering how to best to ask her out because you dont have a whole lot of experience in that area. They will catch on eventually.

baby and crumble

oisindoyle wrote:

A final note ,towards the end of your comment you said and I quote "To be frank the thought of gay sex makes me feel slightly unwell."

I think to all gay men out there that comment is extremely offensive .It's bigoted and homophobic.
You are having difficulties with friends/family assumeing that you are gay and you come out with a comment like that!

To be fair (and I don't want to drag this off topic) but I'm a lesbian and TBH the idea of sex with a guy makes me a little queasy. It's not like the OP said it makes him want to punch all the gays...

Dwn Wth Vwls

Instead of trying to control what other people think of you, why not deal with the real source of the problem? You're incredibly shy, uptight and have anxiety issues. What are you doing about that?

If you can solve that problem, whether through therapy, medication or reading books about changing the way you think, then you'll start being yourself around other people. You'll no longer look like you're hiding something and you may even start dating the girls that you're attracted to. That's the real solution here, not trying to convince people you're not gay, because they'll just think you're in denial.

LegacyUser

oisindoyle wrote: »

I think to all gay men out there that comment is extremely offensive .It's bigoted and homophobic.
You are having difficulties with friends/family assumeing that you are gay and you come out with a comment like that!

To be fair, that is not bigoted at all. I feel no prejudice, I just wouldn't want to do those acts myself. You don't understand what tolerance means if you genuinely believe that. Ridiculous.

To everyone else: As you say, if I deny it, they'll think I'm in denial. I think its better to just be quiet about it all.

Untense

notgay,honest! wrote: »

To everyone else: As you say, if I deny it, they'll think I'm in denial. I think its better to just be quiet about it all.

I'm incredibly shy and have anxiety issues (Not that I've ever told anyone about that, I'm a very uptight person and keep things close to my chest)

I think you'd do well to re-read what Dwn Wth Vwls suggested. If you keep things to yourself all the time you'll always have anxiety issues. Keeping anything bottled up is not healthy.

Links234

As someone who's also had pretty bad anxiety issues in the past, I can definitely say it's a good idea to get to the root of those, and sort out those problems first.