Was I abused

LegacyUser

Ok so going unreg for this. I am looking for some advice and input here as this is something that has been bothering me for a long time and I feel like I somehow need to put it behind me.

Growing up I didnt have the most stable of homes, my parents separated when I was quite young and I had no relationship with my father. My mother was young having me and I guess she still had some living it up to do so for a lot of my childhood/growing up years I felt that my mum put going out/men before me. She had a fairly long term thing with one guy and she was really into him even though he quite obviously was not serious about her- anyway during this relationship I was sitting my junior cert and was studying etc...she came home one day and told me to go to my nannys house for the night, I explained that I was studying etc and she lost it and told me to get out. For the next few weeks it was tense and all culminated in a big row over a phone bill and she kicked me out. I was about 15 as far as I remember. I went to stay with my grandmother who still had 4 of my uncles living with her.
One of my uncles then started acting inappropriately towards me. I caught him a number of times watching me dress/undress through the bedroom keyhole. He came up behind me on numerous occasions and grabbed my bum in a very leery type way saying various things that were obviously completely not what he should be saying to his 15 year old niece. Then a number of times I woke up with him in my room with his hands in my knickers or on my breasts. Once he knew I had woken he would shuffle off. He never acted funny in front of other people and I guess I felt like realistically I didnt have anywhere to go, or that in fact anyone would believe me. This guy was held in high regard within the family and appeared completely the average normal bloke. He did have a relationship with a woman who had a child and they were together for a long time before they abruptly broke up and all his friends then shunned him, though we never found out the reason why.

I am aware that he has also done this to other girls within the family but these were much older than me and only awoke to find him in their bed, nothing further really happened and it was not sustained over a period of time.

Some people in my family know, and one of the most upsetting things is that they continue on as normal with this guy...there have been a number of family get togethers etc and he sits in the middle of everyone chatting away. I haf always felt very uncomfortable and panicky when he was around and avoided any contact with him. The last couple of years I have felt a lot more confident and just ignore him...but I really feel like I want to stand up and tell the world what he did.

On one hand I feel so very let down by those in my family who know what he done yet choose to still have a relationship with him (though maybe I am expecting too much for people to not have anything to do with him because of what happened) Also I worry about this happening to others, either in my family or outside.

The one thing I have always questioned about it was the fact that I was 14 or 15...why did I not speak up...I did tell him once when he touched me whilst I was on the phone to keep his hands off me...but deep inside I wonder was I complicit in what happened..was it my fault...its not like I was a child who knew no better...I knew it was wrong and I hated it, I just didnt know what to do.

The other thing I since found out was that my mum had read my diary and knew something was going on...and yet she did nothing or never mentioned it to me until years later.

I feel let down by the people who I should be able to rely on, I have always had insecurity issues and guess I feel that there is no one I can really rely on 100%.

JuliusCaesar

lookingforadvice wrote: »

why did I not speak up...I did tell him once when he touched me whilst I was on the phone to keep his hands off me...but deep inside I wonder was I complicit in what happened..was it my fault...its not like I was a child who knew no better...I knew it was wrong and I hated it,

I just didnt know what to do.

- there's your answer. What in your life had equipped you to deal with this kind of situation? Nothing.

lookingforadvice wrote: »

The other thing I since found out was that my mum had read my diary and knew something was going on...and yet she did nothing or never mentioned it to me until years later.

You said she was young having you - maybe she had no idea what to do either? Nowadays this kind of thing is much more in the open but in the last century it was never mentioned.

lookingforadvice wrote: »

I feel let down by the people who I should be able to rely on, I have always had insecurity issues and guess I feel that there is no one I can really rely on 100%.

Yep, you're right. You were and are let down. Have you spoken with your mother and anyone else in your family that you are close to, about it?

LegacyUser

op here, thanks for your reply.

i have spoken to my mum about it, its a difficult situation as i have a lot of issues with her which i am trying to put behind me. my mum has a way of making things all about her and how it affects her etc. i get frustrated and i suppose over the years i have just learned to keep everything inside as there is no point reaching out to people.

a couple of others in my family did mention what happened to me...in a roundabout hush hush dont delve too deep kind of way...slight acknowledgement that something happened and then they just carry on as normal.

i am just torn over what i should do...its played on my mind for years that this could happen to someone else (if it hasnt already)

Lollipops23

http://www.oneinfour.org/

Hi Op, so sorry to hear a terrible thing happened to you. First and foremost-this was not your fault,even if you didn't speak up or tell him to get lost, he was the "responsible adult" in the situation and he abused you. This was his fault all the way.

Please contact the above organisation,you are not alone here.

Whynotme

Yes you were abused. You are not to blame so please do not go that path.

When something happens to you when you are young you can successfully put it to the back of your mind and leave it there. It can takes years for that to come to the fore, with it comes self questioning, hate etc. Find yourself a good counsellor. Talk about it in safety. Write down your feelings, then burn them.

In counselling you will find the right path for you, be it to go further and make a complaint, with support, or to find ways to deal with the impact it has on you and your self esteem. You need to talk about it before you can successfully leave it in the past where it belongs. Don't let it affect your life going foward. Don't let him take your life away from you.

LegacyUser

Yes you were abused, abuse doesnt mean just intercourse it is everything up to and including that point. As an outsider looking in alarm bells went off when you said he was in a relationship with a woman who had a small child, which ended suddenly and his friends shunning him. For me i would be looking at the reason for that possibly being he did the same thing to the child and it was found out, why else would that happen you know?

Now as a victim of abuse myself i know all too well the aftermath and the fact it can linger for many years afterwards. I am 28 and was abused by three older guys when i was 8-10. I did not realise why i got so upset when i was drunk having thought i had dealt with this and put it behind me. I did not realise until i ended up in counselling that it was as a result of the abuse.

I tell you this (even though pretty much every person in my life doesn't know) because i urge you to get help in dealing with this. You said your family do not deal with things preferring to just act normal and your mother makes everything about her. You need to speak with someone about this so you do not end up like me. If you are in higher education there should be free counselling available but if you have to pay ( i am not sure of free services sorry) please do, i cannot stress this enough it was not your fault but you need to speak about this and i do not think you will get any relief from your family.

I really do wish you all the best

LegacyUser

thanks so much for the replies...your words have really helped..

regarding what happened in his relationship with the woman with the young daughter, i honestly dont know the answer to that...but i guess its a fair chance something happened.

i think the part that kills me the most is that people can carry on as normal with someone they know who has done this..its like they think if they ignore it then it will just go away, never mind that it could happen to someone else..and probably has.

over the last while i have thought more and more about this and realise the impact this has had on who i am today...even with those closest to me i find it hard to really open up and be myself..i constantly worry that people will just get sick of me and not want to be in my life anymore. and theres that part in my mind that always thinks that i will never be anyones first choice..often i feel like i am so alone, even though i do have some very good friends etc..but just that i am just someone whos there.

i would love to just be able to let go of the past and feel happy about life and its possibilities...instead of always feeling a weight on my shoulders.

i probably sound like such a whingebag!

LegacyUser

lookingforadviceop wrote: »

i probably sound like such a whingebag!

You really do not. I know exactly what you mean about the opening up and feeling like nobody will want you. Believe me this is all as a result of what happened that's why i suggested the counselling the sooner you start to relieve yourself of these things the sooner you can move on from it. If you want to leave the stuff in the past that's the way to go.

Regarding the other family members ignoring it, that is just their way of dealing with it, by not dealing with it. This is not something that will change anytime soon if at all, you need to accept that and just concentrate on you.