Temper Tantrums & Aggression in 5yr old

angeldaisy

Hi I was wondering if anyone had some helpful advice.

I have a 5yr old son who is normally very sweet and kind, but over the last few weeks has started throwing the most awful temper tantrums if he doesn't get his own way, he is very aggressive, kicking, biting, punching basically anything to hurt me or his dad. He has also become very cheeky and rude to us. he receives punishments for this kind of behaviour but nothing seems to be working. Any ideas as I am losing my patience with this kind of behaviour so need to nip it in the bud before he starts back at school.

MitchKoobski

What sort of punishments is he recieving for his tantrums?

angeldaisy

the punishments vary on his behaviour to be honest. if he is being aggressive he is usually put into his room for 5 mins to calm down. he will also then lose something that interests him, such as playing the Wii, the DS or watching the TV. Dependent on how bad the behaviour was then depends on how long the punishment lasts. For example this evening he disapeared without telling me where he was going, he went next door to his cousins house. but his aunt wasn't there and his cousin is only 13 so I don't allow him to go around when she isn't there. For this he lost the chance to watch TV, we usually have a movie night on a sunday evening. He then became aggressive and starting hitting me so he was put into his room to calm down.
Thing is nothing seems to stop the tantrums, but 5 mins after them he has reverted to his usually kind and funny self. its like having a hormonal teenager

MitchKoobski

Have a younger brother who went through the exact same thing. Still have some bruises from him actually...
Putting him in his room works at first but he's going to get used to it pretty soon. Up the ante each time. Go from 5 mins, to 10 mins, to an hour maximum. He'll throw a tantrum and complain and lash out, but sitting in his room with nothing to do will eventually show him thats its not worth the time waiting anymore and he'll think before he lashes out.
Worked for my brother. He went up to about 30 mins max until he finally calmed down. He realised that if he kept going he was only going to make it worse for himself. We also took multiple things away at a time.
1st tantrum = Nintendo DS gone for a week
2nd tantrum = DS and TV gone for the week
3rd tantrum = No going outside with his friends for a few days, plus no videogames or tv.
Might sound harsh at first and it could get to the stage where he's left with almost nothing, but only has himself to blame if he's been warned.
Once he finally stopped that big tantrums, whenever he did get frustrated or angry in future we sat him down and asked him why he was angry. If its because if punishment, ask him does he understand why he was punished and so on.

angeldaisy

thanks for taking the time to reply. I used a combination of punishments as I was reaching the end of my tether. He spent about 20mins in his room to calm down combined with the tv, wii & nintendo being banned.

I also decided to get out the reward chart again. I have listed several things on it that he does that are not acceptable, such as tantrums & being aggressive. I also put being good on it. Sunday & Monday he had over 12 'black' marks and 2 ticks. today only 1 black mark and 3 ticks.

Hopefully things will start to calm down, otherwise - in his own words - he will be off to the orphan village! ( he thinks there's a house in the next village where naughty children are sent until they learn how to behave) if only it was true:rolleyes:

Ickle Magoo

I would recommend a read of Raising Boys by Stephen Biddulph...one of the few parenting books I managed to read right through. It gives a great insight into the minds and bodies of little men and while it didn't/doesn't stop our wee lad kicking off from time to time, I'm less frustrated, less worried about him and understand a bit more about why he's doing it.

Best of luck!

smelltheglove

My little one is almost 4 and has been getting very naughty lately, I tried everything, putting in her in her room or in the corner where I could watch her but all she would do is stand there and sing and laugh to herself, honestly she would laugh out loud so much that you would have to hold your face to stop yourself laughing back.

Yesterday I used the most effective treatment so far, she was grounded for the day and it devastated her. It worked though! Alld ay today I kept getting, Im going to be a good girl mammy. Lets see how long it lasts.

How Strange

Would you consider confiscating the wii and ds altogether? He's very young to be playing those kind if things and imo they can make children more aggressive.

He needs to see real consequences for his behaviour so maybe he should have to earn back each console one at a time and spread over a longer period. He's probably gotten used to his 5 mins quiet time alone or small time bans so he might see a better correlation between cause and effect if his favourite toys are taken away and he has to earn them back.

angeldaisy

How Strange wrote: »

Would you consider confiscating the wii and ds altogether? He's very young to be playing those kind if things and imo they can make children more aggressive.

He needs to see real consequences for his behaviour so maybe he should have to earn back each console one at a time and spread over a longer period. He's probably gotten used to his 5 mins quiet time alone or small time bans so he might see a better correlation between cause and effect if his favourite toys are taken away and he has to earn them back.

now he is back to school he doesn't play either at all during the week time and only for an hour at the weekend if he is good. I only let him play mario kart and occasionally mario bros. he was so good today up until this evening and has now lost the wii at the weekend. he also deliberatly wrecked his new sandals after being told 3 times etc.. to stop. so I made him give me all his money out of his money box to pay for new ones. He was not happy with that at all, but I told him he has to earn the money back. I hope that this combined with the chart will work, he hates seeing crosses on the chart - so fingers crossed.

Ickle Magoo, thanks for the book recommendation, I will definately take a look.

How Strange

You definitely seem to be going about it the right way and if I've learned anything from Supernanny it's all about being consistent.

Oh I have it all ahead of me!

Zen65

Does he do any kind of regular exercise?

I found that when my kids spent a lot of time on the Sony Playstation (back in the 90's) it led to them having episodes of emotional outbursts (temper or crying). I suspect that lack of exercise played a part, and I have insisted on them getting some form of regular exercise since.

Cheers,

Z

dr ro

i find with my 4 y/o that if you can sense/see a tantrum coming and nip it in the bud by some tickling or horseplay it diffuses the situation before it becomes one. Bit of a laugh always helps

lynski

still almost in tears here from my ds behavior today. hellish for the past week.
I found this article by David Coleman and it is quite good. http://www.glenisk.com/imoo/david-colemans-parenting-advice/parenting-new-year-resolutions/

Remind your child regularly and often that you love them and then show that in how you treat them: they’ll believe you more if they see it in action rather than simply being told it.
Create routines and rhythms to your child’s day and week: children love the predictability of it and when they know what to expect they get less anxious and grumble less.
Always follow through on a promised reward or threatened consequence: your child needs to know that you mean what you say so that they can learn to trust you no matter what.
Remember that a lot of children’s misbehaviour is often them trying to express their frustration so be patient and tolerant if they are frustrated and let them know that you can understand their frustration.
Help your child to recognise their feelings by labelling the feelings you think they are having: this teaches them a language that they can use in the future instead of showing their feelings by their behaviour.
Its okay to criticise your child’s behaviour but never criticise your child: if they feel personally criticised it could make them feel bad about themselves and damage their self-esteem.
Remember that you are the strongest role model for your child so make sure you walk the walk as well as talking the talk: your children are soaking up your behaviours and will happily replicate them whether they are positive or negative.
Start to “catch your child being good”, especially if you feel you usually only notice them being bold: even if it just gets you thinking about your child positively it is a good thing but it should also increase the chances of further good behaviour being shown.
Use time-out to give you or your child a chance to calm down, not as a punishment for misbehaviour: time out as a punishment often leads to more rows than it solves.
Never underestimate your own stress in dealing with your child’s behaviour and so take enough time-out to react calmly to them rather than responding in the heat of the moment: we can make the some of the worst decisions when we are cross so avoid “acting out” your own anger or frustration

Cróga

Locking him up in his room, reward charts, confiscating his stuff......... seriously? You're not raising a dog!

I empathize so much with you it must be tough being a parent but please think about what you're doing to your child. Punishment will lead to greater and greater punishment and can then turn your child anti social and resentful at you when he's older.

Anger is not bad. I repeat anger is not bad. Its an emotion. Its very healthy. Please remember your child has an immature brain and doesnt know any other way to express his feelings. These emotions are so scary for him! Please help him, not by taking his things and punishing him, but sitting him down and asking him why he is angry and listen to him genuinely. Ask him how he feels about you. Ask him what you're doing wrong and how he would like you to parent better. Its love, nurturing and guidance he needs not punishment.

Please watch the The Bomb in the Brain - The Effects of Child Abuse video series i posted up.

These podcasts may be of interest to you too:

Parenting (Part 1) Credibility

Parenting (Part 2) Authority

Parenting (Part 3) Communication

Happy parenting

dan_d

I have to say-and I know this isn't a solution to your problems OP, but when you're driven to the edge it's something to consider (!)- I love the ad in the supermarket where the kid wants a bag of crisps, takes them off the shelf and when the mother says no starts to scream. Whereupon the mother starts screaming and rolling and kicking on the floor, as the kid watches in amazement.Then she stands up,looks at the kid,who drops the crisps and goes off quite happily with her.I just thinl that's brilliant-and every mother could be forgiven for doing that occasionally!!

angeldaisy

Cróga wrote: »

Locking him up in his room, reward charts, confiscating his stuff......... seriously? You're not raising a dog!

I empathize so so much with you it must be tough being a parent but please think about what you're doing to your child. Punishment will lead to greater and greater punishment and can then turn your child anti social and resentful at you when he's older.

Anger is not bad. I repeat anger is not bad. Its an emotion. Its very healthy. Please remember your child has an immature brain and doesnt know any other way to express his feelings. These emotions are so so scary for him! Please help him, not by taking his things and punishing him, but sitting him down and asking him why he is angry and listen to him genuinely. Ask him how he feels about you. Ask him what you're doing wrong and how he would like you to parent better. Its love, nurturing and guidance he needs not punishment.

Please watch the The Bomb in the Brain - The Effects of Child Abuse video series i posted up.

I really do understand what you are saying, and I have studied children's behaviour and believe me I know all the theories. However when you are faced with a child who is only able to communicate with aggression both verbal and physical, they need to learn how to calm themselves down first. In my instance, he does this by being put into his room, he is not locked in. Am I supposed to let him continue to kick and punch me and others until he calms himself down, I don't think so. I need to remove him from a situation where he can cause both himself and others harm.
I'm afraid that at 5yrs old many children are not able to verbalise what is happening to them internally and are unable to rationalise their behaviour. I do sit down with him when he has calmed down and talk to him and usually the only answer he is able to give is that being good is hard. I need to provide him with the tools to calm down because I can't risk him being in a situation whereby he loses his temper and somebody clocks him one. What do you do when you get mad and frustrated? are you able to verbalise your feelings immediately or do you need to take a few moments to calm yourself down? I know that I need to calm down before I do or say something that I would regret. it may only take me to count to 10 or longer, but it is a very useful tool to have.
As for not taking his things away, are you suggesting that he doesn't receive any consequences for his actions. I'm only talking about watching the tv, playing computer games, I'm not talking about taking his toys or his freedom.
As for love and attention, he does not want for any of this and we often sit and have cuddles and loves together. He is a very affectionate child and is considerate and will share anything with anyone. He is just experiencing problems with temper and I believe that he needs to be given the tools I described to be able to deal with it. Too much emphasis is given on the softly softly approach, and I believe that children need to know what the rules / boundaries are and what will happen if those are broken / crossed. After all these are tools that they need in the outside world, can you imagine a garda sitting down and having a 'chat' with a criminal about their wrong behaviour?
Sorry for the long spiel, but until you have walked in our shoes, don't judge:mad: