My Mother Is Psychologically Bullying Me :(

LegacyUser

I'm 24 years of age and I'm still living at home with my mother (only child/father deceased). The thing is, because I'm not living my life according to what she expects, she constantly nags me. She doesn't want me to live my life - instead, preferring for me to stay under her roof until I'm married.

I've been having arguments with her, literally every day for the last three years and I can't take it any longer. I know she thinks the world of me and I love her but she must accept and respect the decisions I make in my life. For example, she doesn't like my girlfriend of five years and usually says some very insulting words about her to my face, which any other person wouldn't accept but by me passing it off as nothing all these years, she has kind of got used to it.

I'm at my wits end and I've begged for months to stop fighting but everyday it's the same. When I get up in the morning and go downstairs, I feel terrible and fed up when I come back upstairs to get ready for work, so much so that I don't even feel like going into my job anymore. I'm so depressed...

She literally has no idea what kind of psychological impact she is having on me...
Life looks pretty bleak enough at times without her adding more things onto my shoulders...I think I'm going to do something terrible to myself if this doesn't stop.

I feel so lonely.

Ickle Magoo

Why haven't you move out? You are 24 and she's making your life a misery, I'd make it my number one mission in life to get out of there.

If you feel depressed then you must speak to your doctor.

Don't do anything terrible to yourself. You can contact

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/

http://www.grow.ie/

http://www.aware.ie/

http://www.shineonline.ie/

if you need someone to chat to.

Best of luck.

darad

Seriously, move out. You have a right to live your own life. Do it now before it's too late. Good luck

strokemyclover

I'm in a similar situation OP. If you can't accept her and her faults or she is not willing to grant you your space AND you can't move out for the moment then try to limit contact as much as possible. It's not ideal but at least it gives both of you enough time and space to think these things through and eases your stress.

It's probably the only real solution available to me at the moment and is working so far. It's really the best of a bad situation but it will get better!

Best of luck with it anyway!

Beruthiel

You are 24 years of age. I had lived away from home for 5 years by then. I could no longer live under the same roof as my parents.

No parent will ever view their child as an adult until they have started to live away from the family home and managed to survive it.
Move out now.

Big Bag of Chips

Beruthiel wrote: »

No parent will ever view their child as an adult until they have started to live away from the family home and managed to survive it.

And even then some parents still find it hard to accept that their child is not a child anymore. (I'm out of home over 10 years, married with 3 children and my mother still treats me like a child!)

OP, you need to either move out or, if that's not possible at the moment, you need to start changing the dynamic. If your mother starts saying something that you don't like. Stop her. Tell her it's not something you want to hear, and if she persists, leave her company.

It will be so difficult for you. This has been the dynamic of your relationship your entire life, so it's not going to be an easy thing to change over night. But you can change it. The first few times you stand up to her, she won't accept it, she will try draw you into a fight. Don't allow her. Walk away.

If you fight and argue with her, you are just re-affirming her belief that you are a stroppy child who doesn't know what's good for him.

It will take a while, but if you persist, she will eventually get the meesage. She mightn't like it but she will have to accept it. She will have to accept that you will not allow yourself to be spoken to like that anymore.

Good Luck to you. You can get through this, and you can make your life happier.


By the way - I get the impression that you feel some sort of guilt and loyality that you can't move out. You mention that you are an only child and your dad is deceased. I don't mean to sound heartless, but that's not your problem. Your not your mother's keeper. You have a right to your own life.

Your current situation isn't working for you - so change it. Be that moving out, or changing the way you deal with your mother - but you need to change something.

starlit

Hi OP,

Many Mothers are nags, but its often a way of protecting and keeping an eye on their children. It doesn't matter how old you are, mothers always will nag to a certain degree. They will continue to do it well into their 90s if they still have their head screwed on! Even if you aren't living at home you mam will still nag though, so don't think, leaving home will solve it, but it will reduce the tendancy of your mam to do it. It might make her see sense that you need to have a life of your own and live it the way you want to live it. Sounds to me your mother is very overbearing. It might be a good idea to speak to her how you feel, it might make her see your perspective. It could be just she is ageing and that she doesn't want to loose you.

I'd agree with Ickle Magoo that is imperative that you leave home and have your own life. I moved out of home twice due to college and work. I felt the better for it. I have had to move back home cause I have no job.
Once I get a job I be out like a shot. I'd love to be able to leave home again as soon as I can.

You might need to consider going to a councillor and a doctor that might help you think things through more clearly.

The most important thing is that you are happy.

Best of luck OP

thefeatheredcat

Only child and father deceased.... that could actually explain your mother's behaviour.

Is your mother working or a very sociable person? Does she have a life of her own or living through you?

I would suspect that she probably doesn't want to see you leave, because then she'd be on her own, and maybe she's scared of that prospect? Would make sense if she doesn't have companionship and she's leaning towards you to fulfil that element to a degree (like arguing for example)?

As regards your girlfriend, she could feel threatened that she is taking you away from her and therefore doesn't like her, and in turn is also being protective by not wanting to see you hurt and being of someone of her standard that meets her approval. I would imagine after 5 years together you've been through a lot and your girlfriend and your mother have met on several occasions... she could be making up faults to wedge you apart so you can remain with your mother rather than move on with your girlfriend.

Have you tried talking to your mother about her life and check if everything's ok?

Having constant and daily arguments and being nagged is not what anyone would want, but something tells me there's a deeper issue there with your mother and her own personal self... nagging is one thing, but she should be happy to have a possible daughter in law and future grandkids, and well, it looks like her actions are driving a wedge between you and your mother.

Moving out may be the best solution and for your mother to realise that you're a grown man and not a child that needs to be wrapped in cotton wool. She needs to let go, but I think she may be lost without you?

I would recommend getting professional help if you start falling down the slippery slope of depression and make sure you talk about what you're feeling to your girlfriend too.