Help with small talk

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm starting a new job and could really do with some help for this.

Basically I have a close group of 5 or 6 friends I get on really well with, get drunk with, go out with, mess around with etc. etc. They are mostly the same friends I have had since secondary school. Unlike most people, I didn't make the effort in college to make friends and at best can only count on maybe one or two acquaintances. I never went to class parties and made very little effort to even talk to any of them. The reason? I bore easily and can't stand small talk. I don't see the point. I know you have to break the ice with people but the truth is that I'm content enough - I didn't really want any more friends, didn't see the point in it.

So my problem basically is that over the last 6 or 7 years I haven't made any new friends, just deepened the friendships I currently have with older friends. When we are around each other we talk very naturally, without inhibition or any of the other bull**** you have to do with acquaintances (Ie, no need to be polite or reserved or pretending to be someone you are not. People like to deny this but there is so much pretension among people who make friends in college, so much fake character projection, its one of the reasons why I never bothered with any of them. I don't see the point in 'trying' to make friends' with people at the expense of your dignity or self worth)

But as I said, I'm starting a new job and there will be plenty of people my own age about. They'll all be footloose, without any other mates in the nearby vicinity. My problem is that I don't have the faintist idea about how to make small talk. What do you say to people to break the ice? I get incredibly bored and begin to mist over when some person I have no affinity for is yapping on about college, or some mediocre story of 'when I was rotten one night', or their puddle deep insights into the cosmos... so... any help appreciated!

You might be wondering why I'm so bothered all of a sudden but the main reason is that most of my friends are either emigrating or travelling, leaving me in a bit of a lurch. I also would just like to be able to get on with new work colleagues without having to worry about social awkwardness etc.

LegacyUser

there are two great books that will teach you the basics of small talk and how to interact with people:

how to win friends and influence people by dale carnegie

and

how to talk to anyone by leil lowendes

obviously you can take them both with a pinch of salt and pick and choose what works for you personally, but they are both great introductions into social interaction for those of us to whom it doesn't come naturally.

the other thing i will mention is to perhaps be a bit more open minded, not everyone displays the false character projection and self obsessed waffle that will drive you mad, you have to be prepared to give people a chance.

often when people appear like that it is just nervousness, they're worried about the small talk just as much as you and it will take effort to get to know people and understand that they're far more than your first impression. once you understand that and learn a bit more about how to make small talk work for you it's easier to take a more compassionate point of view and help people to have more meaningful conversation with you.

people can sense when you're judging them or getting bored & tuning out, and in a workplace situation you need to be careful make an effort with the people you'll be spending 5 days a week with so be aware that if you want to make friends that you need to be interested and positive about getting to know them.

tenchi-fan

You'll never be stuck for drinking buddies when you're in college.
Your best bet is to join a group or club with people who have similar interests.

I know what you mean about pretensions.. programmes like "skins" pretty much destroyed this generation's students by making them all try to be "so random"

LegacyUser

"the other bull**** you have to do with acquaintances (Ie, no need to be polite or reserved or pretending to be someone you are not. People like to deny this but there is so much pretension among people who make friends in college, so much fake character projection, its one of the reasons why I never bothered with any of them. I don't see the point in 'trying' to make friends' with people at the expense of your dignity or self worth)"

I have plenty of acquaintances and there's no bull**** about it - I know it, they know it. We say hello, have a chat, move on or have a decent chat and then move on - or stay and chat as the chat is interesting. That's life. I don't sell myself short or pretend to be anything other than I am - and I'd much prefer to be friendly and civil and chatty than rude and ignore people. Plus, some of these old acquaintances have turned into friends. In fact, there are two I'm calling later today to meet up with for a game of football.

I've never tried to make friends with anyone - friendships have just developed naturally.

Your criticism of "fake character projection" people seems to me like you've just never had the ability/capability of engaging with people outside of your safe small circle and that you are frightened beyond that group.

You may soon find that your friends who have made the effort suddenly find other people more interesting and see you as someone who clings onto the past and revels in a small group. Believe me, that disintegrates shortly after school/college (as you're experiencing now).

Here's a bit of help:

Grow up a bit firstly and realise that people can't always speak their mind/be totally honest - there are some social norms we conform to so we get along.

Stop being so judgemental of people who you do not know and stop being so critical of their "mediocre" stories. (I find that if someone isn't interested in listening to me that I have less interest in telling the story or making it sound interesting)

Take an interest in people (small talk soon moves onto proper conversation.)

Develop an interest in people and you find out interesting things about them.

See the benefits of having a wider circle of friends.

Milk & Honey

The only thing you can do is listen to the conversation you hear. Most people stick to the same topics of conversation. One individual will talk endlessly about cars, another about GAA, another about holidays etc. Find out what your workmates talk about and bone up on it. Know enough about each topic to make some remarks. Avoid talking about things they know nothing about. When people bore you, learn to change the topic of conversation. Develop some conversation killers. If they talk too much about drinking ask how many they had and how much it cost and mention your neighbour/relative or whatever who died of cirrhosis of the liver, broke and in pain, his face yellowed and skin blotchy.

JuliusCaesar

There are a good few reasons for small talk!

small talk is a bonding ritual and a strategy for managing interpersonal distance.[2] It serves many functions in helping to define the relationships between friends, work colleagues, and new acquaintances. In particular, it helps new acquaintances to explore and categorize each other's social position.[3] Small talk is closely related to the need for people to maintain positive face — to feel approved-of by those who are listening to them. It lubricates social interactions in a very flexible way, although the desired function is often dependent on the point in the conversation at which the small talk occurs

Wiki.

It's a way of getting to know people, a social ritual we all dance through and end up with new friends - or maybe not.