Bored by Girlfriend

LegacyUser

Hi,

Will try to keep it short.

I've been seeing my girlfriend about 6 months. I'm mad about her, she's really beautiful, and she's just the nicest girl I've gone out with.

I went out with a lot of girls who cheat and go a bit crazy sometimes and this girl is like a breath of fresh air, she's the total opposite. She doesn't drink much, doesn't smoke, seems really down to earth, very caring, sweet, good fun to chat to and hang out with.

That should be great but it's like the total opposite extreme of girls I've been with before. She works part time and is going a masters in college, She's really driven about it which is great, studies and works hard. The problem is so is so serious about it. I know she needs to work hard and she does but she never lets loose a bit.

I asked how to come out both nights this weekend, Friday she wanted to work on a paper she has due, Saturday she said the same but she asked if I'd come over and watch TV with her and her room-mate. I like her room-mate too but she lives with a girl in her mid-thirties, very nice but there's only so many times I can sit in on a Saturday night and watch girly movies with her roommate and her roommates cats. I really try hard to do the good boyfriend thing and when I know she's tired to take it easy with her and just hang out... but I can't do it all the time.

I want to take her out for dinner and drinks and dancing, or catch a concert or go for a spin somewhere but she's always too tired. She rarely comes out and when she does she just doesn't let loose, not go crazy but she'll drink a few waters or a coke, she might have one drink sometimes but is afraid to have 2 or 3. I think she's afraid she'll get drunk and won't be in control but even just 2 or 3 drinks wont do that to her and she's perfectly safe with me and my friends. Even just coming out for dinner and a nice evening would be good but she's always tired right after and wants to go to sleep.

I met her thursday for a movie. I thought it'd be a nice night out but she showed up with all her work gear and hadn't changed or anything. I was told right away she was tired and the second the movie was over she wanted to go home to work on a paper.

I know it sounds harsh but there's nothing better than thinking a girl spends some time getting ready to go on a date with her boyfriend. It sounds mean to say... she's still a naturally gorgepus girl but I just found it a turnoff meeting up with her, paying into the moive and snack and stuff for her and thinking it was gonna be a nice date when she was just tired, showed up in her casuals she was wearing to work and just wanted to go work on her paper after. I know she's super busy but she suggested the date, I had no problem doing it another night maybe the weekend when we could ahve had a good time.

She went home for a week 2 weeks ago, taking a week of college, she said she was gonna chill out and meet her friends but she ended up running around doing errands for everyone that asked her and being stressed out with issues with her sister... she came back more stressed than ever.

I know college and work is important to her, but I've gone through 5 years of college myself. I worked hard but that meant it was even more important to me to try and make something of my saturday evening, go out, see my friends, ahve some drinks, see a movie, see a concert, whatever... just get out and have a good times before monday comes again.

I just can't get her to relax and let loose a bit.

I don't know what to do. She's saying she has a week off next week before her new classes start but I know she'll end up doing too many things and being too tired to come have fun. It's just that she's so beautiful and so nice and I'm mad about her but it's driving me crazy. As a guy it's just nice for a girl to make an effort when you take her out, I really want to take her out, get dressed up, have dinner, hit the town but it just doesn't happen, if we do, she treats it very casually and want to be in bed by 10.

It's fun hanging out with her and staying at her place but I work hard all week and find it hard to relax EVERY fri/sat night and just sit down and be in bed by 10. I work long and hard all week and need some fun.

What do I do with her? I hate saying it but I'm being bored by her... I'm mad about her but it's way too boring and PG. What do I do?

Des Carter

Hey Op,
your GF sounds a lot like me in that I dont drink, dont really like going out on the town or whatever, Id much prefer to stay in and watch TV, surf the net, read a book or just go to bed so I see where shes coming from. However I do have to force myself to go out more and socialise as avoiding social gatherings unhealthy in the same way as too much socialising is and I think your GF should do the same.

This is a lot harder than you would think as once you get into a pattern of staying in it is harder to force yourself out. So what I would advise is that you pick a night next week sometime and TELL her that ye ARE going out that night and dont take no for an answer. However if you go out DO NOT just go to a pub and just drink and get drunk as drunken idiots are the worst part of a night out. So go somewhere interesting and make her do something she wouldnt normally do (example go out dancing if shes the kind who sits at a table and keeps a low profile) as this will force her to loosen up and she might even enjoy herself.

CDfm

OP so you are going out with someone with their own set of priorities.

On the weekend she set herself a target to get a job done on a deadline. I am a bit the same on deadline stuff and I cant just trot it out -I will cross check etc and I will obsess over detail on a commercial report. Your g/f the same as a Masters project or paper has to be of publishable quality and where possible original thought or insight. So that seems reasonable to me that she did prepare at work and follow it through.

Her visit home sounds a bit like my time with my kids from a previous relationshipwhen I do stuff their mum should rightly do. It isnt the errand that is important but the contact and participation with people and recently I had a bit of an argy bargy with the girlfriend over doing an errand for someone who is overcoming a bereavement.

The examples seem to me a bit like that you have met a person who has simple needs and is very focused.

You probably are a bit pissed off because you didnt get your jollies and (haha) fair dues to you for posting about it. It is fairly normal to feel that way.

It may be that you need to learn a bit of patience and show a bit of interest in her work cos if you had been around on Saturday night she probably would have been pleased to see you and if she had gotten her work early who knows. You might even have gotten brownie points running errands for her .

Imagine a girl who doesnt want to go out and spend spend spend and who is not obsessed about her appearence and enjoys doing errands for people.

She sounds lovely and thanks for posting about her. Really refreshing.

You sound like a nice guy too btw and maybe you need to learn what she likes doing -maybe bring her out today and buy her a little gift with the money saved or take her somewhere nice and relaxing like a park, forrest or the seaside.

LegacyUser

Don't mean this to sound harsh OP, but could it be possible that the two of you are just not compatible? I know you're mad about her, but it sounds like she's at a point in her life where she's prioritising work over any relationship and I've been in your situation, it hurts like hell. When I fall in love with someone I'll do anything I can to finish work early and make time and effort to be with them as much as possible, especially in the early stages of the relationship when it's crucial that you're getting to know each other and setting patterns, etc. It doesn't sound like she's doing that for you. I'm not saying she's a bad person or anything of the sort, but if you're a lot more social than she is by your nature, then it's unlikely she's going to change her personality for you. The dilemma you have now is whether to keep going and hope that you can persuade her to be more social (and potentially get more frustrated and hurt), or give up and try to find someone who's into the same things as you. Good luck.

Monkey61

Hmm I am unsure about this one OP. Yes she sounds very busy...but anyone can surely spare one whole night a week? And coming over to watch tv with her housemate isn't exactly ideal romantic behaviour.

It sort of sounds to me like she isn't really that bothered as she is making very little effort for you. My girlfriend is an incredibly busy person - has a job that requires taking lots of work home every day, has a horse that needs hours of care every day - but she still finds time to spend with me at the weekend. I am quite sociable, love a drink, love a party etc and she isn't really that into anything like that- but she is happy to come out with my friends, come to parties etc even though she isn't really that into them, just because she likes to hang out with me.

Does she love you? Is she very affectionate with you? Does she seem to really fancy you? I am wondering by the "boring and pg" comment at the end if she is not really that sexually into you?

I would normally advise you to suck it up and try to understand if this was a short term thing (thesis due shortly or busy at work) but it does indeed sound like she's just making no effort. She doesn't seem to have time for a boyfriend. Or, more accurately, be prepared to make time for a boyfriend. Plenty of people work part time and study and still make time for other people. Sounds like she expects to live her life the way she wants it and expects you to fit into it. I mean, for God's sake, inviting you to watch TV with her roommate? She can't even spare a few hours just for the two of you? I wouldn't have your patience, tbh.

S23

Wow, I'd usually be all for working through it and taking a sympathetic view of the person who is busy but in this case it's hard to.

You sound like a very reasonable person who hasn't been overly demanding and has in fact been very patient with his gf. I know she may be very busy a very high percentge of the time but that doesn't mean she should make zero effort in the realtionship.

She doesn't seem that bothered to be honest. And thats fair enough if she wants to prioritise work and education over a realtionship at the moment but its not fair that she doesn't just come right out and say it.

I mean if she can spare a few hours to watch tv with her flatmate on a Saturday night can she not spare the same few hours to go out and do something you would like to do for once.

I know a juggling work and a masters can be tiring and extremly time consuming but if she really wanted to make the effort with you then she could. As it stands it seems as though she's just not that bothered.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or isn't what you want to hear. All you can do is try talking to her about your concerns. However, if she's insitent on making no compromise then you really have to look at whether or not you are compatible in the long term

Faith

My ex never had time for me either. We only saw each other at weekends, and he'd arrive at midnight on Friday after spending hours at band practice, and he'd leave early on Sunday because he always had "jobs to do". I adored him with all my heart, but it was soul-destroying constantly coming in last on his list of priorities. Any time I brought it up as an issue, he gave out to me that he was busy and I demanded too much from him.

You're only 6 months in and she's that bad already. Chances are, it'll get worse, not better. It'll start to eat at you more and more. I'd suggest cutting your losses tbh, and finding someone whose schedule is more compatible with your own.

LegacyUser

Ok very mixed opinions here it seems....

CDfm:
I understand she has priorities. I work a lot during the week too, sometimes I have to leave very early or get home very late and she doesn't complain those days. I don't complain to her either, I know she has a lot of work and a lot of deadlines. I just mean that I am very busy too at times and I've also been in her position, I've done 5 years of college while working 20-30 hours+ a week, but that was all the more reason I needed to just go have some fun when I'm not working or just put aside Saturday night maybe as time when I decide I'm not working or doing papers.
I DID meet up with her today and bought her lunch, she has a deadline tonight and that's fair enough so it was just lunch and off home again. I understand it today but it just happens alot.

I think I HAVE been understanding, I don't mind staying in when she's tired and giving her time to get her work done, I don't mind doing the "good" boyfriend thing and spending time with her and her roomie but I'd like her to come out have fun other weekends is all.

Monkey61, Haylee Gifted Tire:
She's good in terms of trying to meet up. She always asks me what nights I'd be free during the week and she generally likes to do something at the weekend, whatever it is. Given we both are busy at times during the week I think thats good and it's nice that she asks me when we can meet. It's not so much about quantity... it's about what we do. A Tuesday night is a nice night to sit in and watch a movie or make dinner or hang out with her roomie, something low key.
But a Saturday night...? Lets go out... Her room-mate is nice but I don't want to watch a chick flick with her on Saturday night, I wanna go and do something fun.

S23:
I don't know, I think she makes an effort to see me, but its what happens when we do. I understand she's tired and might not want to go out in our spare time but if I was really tired one week and needed to relax at the weekend I'd probably want a break out the next week. Maybe thats just me.


I don't know what to say here. Honestly, She's a really beautiful girl, and such a nice settled down to earth girl compared to previous girls I've gone out with. I don't know how I'd replace her. Sometimes I just don't know though. She wanted to meet thrusday, instrad of staying in I suggested the cinema, a nice low key sort of date. As I said, she said she was very tired the whole time and went home right away after not feeling good. Today I said I'd meet her for lunch, I went and bought her lunch and it was nice but she had to head home right away. I'm not being stingy, I always offer to pay for a girl but I just feel over the last week I've met her, bought her movie tickets and bought her a meal today and righ after I'm off home. Someone suggested I'm looking for my jollies, it's not like that, I don't mind buying a girl lunch but I'd like to spend some time with her then too, not just by her lunch and let her on her way...

I don't know really. I'm trying to be understanding but I kinda feel mean saying it. I guess she doesn't like going out but I don't know if I should just try and convince her to come ahve some fun or if I'm kidding myself.

The PG comment wasn't meant to be harsh.. it's just that it's like PG fun. When I'm 15 and date a girl, I guess a movie is what you'll do on a date or watch TV at home. 10 years on there's no reason we can't go out, go where we want, do what we want. I don't mean go crazy. Maybe it's a guy thing. I think one of the best things in the world is Sturday night, getting all dressed up, smell nice, meet your girlfriend and she blows you away wearing a nice dress, hair done up, just knowing she got ready in anticipation of meeting you. Having a romantic meal, have a few drinks, maybe meet friends or not, go dancing and stroll home with a beautiful girl on your arm. It must be a guy thing but it's a great feeling, thats not going crazy it's just a nice grown up night out and I just want to do it once with her.

mylittlepony

I think one of the best things in the world is Sturday night, getting all dressed up, smell nice, meet your girlfriend and she blows you away wearing a nice dress, hair done up, just knowing she got ready in anticipation of meeting you. Having a romantic meal, have a few drinks, maybe meet friends or not, go dancing and stroll home with a beautiful girl on your arm. It must be a guy thing but it's a great feeling, thats not going crazy it's just a nice grown up night out and I just want to do it once with her.

Its a girls' thing too. Totally agreed with you from a girl view.
Maybe she just too causal for you. Or she doesnt have confidence to be sexy.
Or you could bring her out on a shopping trip.

To be honest, I bet she doesnt know how you feel about this.
You got to tell what you have been telling us here, to get her to wake up and make more of an effort or you are walking.
I get the impression that she doesnt have many other friends beside you and her room-mate.
Maybe you help make her life a little more interesting.
Does she have any other interests/hobbies??

Also stop paying for her. She may take you for granted for giving her freebies. Nip it in the bud now.
What did she pay for you? Did she pay for anything for the two of ye. You never mention. Ye should meet in the middle when its come to paying stuff.
There are lots of other stuff to do, I cant believe that in six months ye mostly been to cinema and watching chick flicks with the roomie.
Its not looking good.

Kimono-Girl

jimbo jim wrote: »

I think one of the best things in the world is Sturday night, getting all dressed up, smell nice, meet your girlfriend and she blows you away wearing a nice dress, hair done up, just knowing she got ready in anticipation of meeting you. Having a romantic meal, have a few drinks, maybe meet friends or not, go dancing and stroll home with a beautiful girl on your arm. It must be a guy thing but it's a great feeling, thats not going crazy it's just a nice grown up night out and I just want to do it once with her.

First of all it's not a guy thing, in my experience every time I've ever had a date the sheer excitement of getting ready and all dressed up is just as much fun as watching his jaw drop when he sees you, its nice to look fantastic for a guy you like!

the part in bold is what strikes me as odd, she hasn't once done the above with you yet you are constantly doing her thing? that is not right, i know with myself we are dating 2 years and i still (not all the time granted) make a huge effort when we get a night out by ourselves, its not too hard to put on a bit of make up, nice clothes and do what your OH wants to do for one night, it sounds like you are making all the effort! put it this way can you see yourself resigning yourself to quiet nights in with her or do you think you could get her to change? if the answer is no you have a problem.

i really feel for you OP you are being really reasonable and more patient than anybody i know,although it sounds like she is just not your type!

Distorted

To me, the purpose of dating is to find out if someone you are attracted to has enough in common with you and enough to keep you mutually interested in order to have a relationship. It never ceases to amaze me when people don't go out with those with similar interests and then complain that their partner is so different from them (I'm thinking of some of the older men in my running club that constantly moan about their wives resenting them training/have let themselves get out of shape/aren't interested in sport). What you describe about the dressing up and planning on the Saturday night actually scares someone like me a little because I would find it too controlling - plus I have other things in my life like racing at the weekend sometimes and I don't view Saturday night in such a rigid way as you seem to. I also have other exciting things happening in my life that mean I don't see it as the be all and end all of everything! What about doing things that don't even cost anything - such as a nice walk or something sporty? Can I also just point out that not everyone likes to drink alcohol - maybe she is concerned about keeping in shape and having nice skin and its not just about a fear of "letting herself go"?

In short, I think you and this girl are incompatible. Maybe you will succeed in changing her into what you want her to be but from the sound of it she isn't all that interested.

LegacyUser

Hey there OP

Well, I feel for you. But also you're girlfriend too. I'm heading back to do my Masters and work part-time in September. And I'm freaking out about the lack of time/funds I'll have to spend with my current boyfriend. It's gonna be so demanding. I'm sure you understand that she IS stuck for time. It doesn't mean she doesn't care about you or doesn't love you. Maybe she doesn't want to head out on mad ones/anything too tiring as it may affect her studies/progress the next day. I for one get 2 day hangovers...so will be putting a snip to my mental nights out. And can completely see myself not having much of a social life for the year.
But she should make some effort...even a good night out every 2 weeks is surely doable? And maybe the other nights that she has time for you, just do something chilled out.

She is under a lot of stress and pressure to do well. And it's hard to balance study/relationships/social life. By the sounds of it, her studies are her priority. When does she finish up? Surely if it's worth it and you care/love her...you will have plenty of time once she's finished. Even when I was in my final year of my degree, I found it hard to maintain my current relationship...there's just so much pressure. Sorry my post is not more postive!! But best of luck to you anyway