Attract the wrong type of guys

LegacyUser

As the title says. For some reason, I only seem to attract the wrong kind of guys. I'm Irish, born in Dublin but one of my parents is half Indian so I look a bit foreign. Not really Indian but maybe Mediterranean. Obviously being born here I speak, dress and act like any other Irish 21 year old. My issue is that lately I've really begun to want to meet a nice guy, having been single all my life so far, but the only guys who ever seem to look at me are foreigners. Not nice ones either, the really dirty, greasy, pervy looking guys, usually from the Middle East/South Asia. I literally get stared at everywhere I go and I can't even have a coffee in town without being hassled by these creeps. From time to time, I get Irish guys coming onto me, but creepy older guys who think I'm foreign and need a visa or something. I just don't understand why no normal guys are ever attracted to me or approach me?

I do go to parties with friends but get very little romantic attention. I think I'm quite pretty, I've been told beautiful, I don't dress in a tacky way or anything. I wear stylish clothes, the most risque I get is maybe a mini skirt with leggings and an oversized jumper. I've been told I dress well and that I have a good personality, am smart, funny etc. So why do Irish guys ignore me and go for my mates? Sometimes in college it feels like I'm invisible. A couple of guys might sit down near us and start talking to my friends and just completely ignore me. I'm not a particularly shy person, either, I'm not loud, but would be talkative enough and quite sociable. I thought maybe Irish guys don't like foreign girls but I see actual foreigners in college going out with Irish guys. And I still don't get why Pakistani etc guys are so interested, it would make more sense if they stared at blonde girls because they don't exist over there. What is it about me? Why do I attract only weirdos and pervs?

ApeXaviour

I'm having a little trouble with how you differentiate received romantic attention. Everyone you don't want to date that gives you attention is a "creep", "weirdo" or "perv". Is it any wonder more subtle young men avoid you if that's the aura you generate?

So why do Irish guys ignore me and go for my mates?

It's much more likely that this isn't something culturally endemic to Irish males and some stereotype reaction to women with foreign ancestry. Rather more likely that it's something more personal to do with you, your approachability perhaps? Do you smile at these men? It's perhaps your best weapon.

I just don't understand why no normal guys are ever attracted to me or approach me?

Contrary to popular belief it's usually the woman who tends to make the first move. I don't mean she does the asking-out or the chatting up, but the more subtle first move... Eye-contact, smile, brush of hand etc. etc.

LegacyUser

ApeXaviour wrote: »

I'm having a little trouble with how you differentiate received romantic attention. Everyone you don't want to date that gives you attention is a "creep", "weirdo" or "perv". Is it any wonder more subtle young men avoid you if that's the aura you generate?

I don't generate any attitude. I just really do not like being stared at as if I were a museum exhibit while I'm just walking down the street. Perhaps you don't understand what type of guy I'm talking about. They just totally leer at you and make you feel degraded. If you stare back, they carry on staring. I told one guy to stop staring at me at the Luas stop and he said 'I can do what I want, you stupid little girl.' They come from cultures where it's normal to treat women like objects. I'm sorry, but I don't find it acceptable. There's a world of difference between that and normal attention, a smile or a pleasant conversation from someone your own age.

It's much more likely that this isn't something culturally endemic to Irish males and some stereotype reaction to women with foreign ancestry. Rather more likely that it's something more personal to do with you, your approachability perhaps? Do you smile at these men? It's perhaps your best weapon.

I smile in normal social situations, yes. I am approachable. I've had guys my friends were seeing tell them I'm lovely and friendly. But nobody seems to be interested in me.

Contrary to popular belief it's usually the woman who tends to make the first move. I don't mean she does the asking-out or the chatting up, but the more subtle first move... Eye-contact, smile, brush of hand etc. etc.

Oh, I do. And nothing. I've tried inviting guys along to a language exchange group I go to, or to a cinema thing I'm involved in and sometimes they come, but it's always as friends. Any subtle move I make seems to be ignored. I mean, friends is fine, I like hanging out with new people, but I can't understand why it never turns into anything more. These are the kind of situations where my friends end up going out with people, but for me, it just ends there. I know for sure that some people avoid me because they think I'm foreign and don't speak English well, but when they speak to me, they see it isn't the case, so I don't understand what the issue is. I get along well with people and everything, but honestly, the only guys who come onto me ARE weirdos. If I was sitting in the Luas and a guy my age started chatting, I'd be delighted. But it's always 50 year old scruffy foreigners stinking of cigarette smoke who leer and smirk. My friends notice it and make jokes about me attracting pervs, but I don't find it that funny. Sometimes I'm even worried for my safety if they're persistent. If I was with a guy they wouldn't do it.

Zen65

whywhywhy wrote: »

Obviously being born here I speak, dress and act like any other Irish 21 year old. My issue is that lately I've really begun to want to meet a nice guy, having been single all my life so far, but the only guys who ever seem to look at me are foreigners.

This sounds very passive of you.

Are you waiting for Mr Right to come over to you, or have you considered taking an active role in this quest yourself? I think you might prefer the type of person who shows interest in you when you initially give encouragement to the kind of person you want.

Be at peace,


Z

ApeXaviour

whywhywhy wrote: »

Oh, I do. And nothing. I've tried inviting guys along to a language exchange group I go to, or to a cinema thing I'm involved in and sometimes they come, but it's always as friends. Any subtle move I make seems to be ignored. I mean, friends is fine, I like hanging out with new people, but I can't understand why it never turns into anything more.

Ah okay, I've just noticed this:

My issue is that lately I've really begun to want to meet a nice guy, having been single all my life so far

You're just inexperienced, don't worry. Just keep trying, it'll come Like anything it takes practice.

Communication is a subtle rogue, and experience breeds success. On paper you might feel you're doing everything right but it just doesn't happen. There's a lot more to it. Subtelty, body-language, timing and the confidence you have projected through these. Nothing really you can consciously consider, but it will come to you. Don't worry, just keep trying, switch up your game, look at what other (hopefully smart and together) girls do.

Don't go blaming the men. That's accepting defeat. It's also irrational, men are all different, you can't tar them all with the same brush. I'm sure there are a proportionate number of men who find you attractive, your mixed-race status being irrelevant (at the very least, more likely it's advantageous).

If I could give you tips: when you meet a guy you like smile, flirt, stroke his ego (laughing at his crap jokes), subtly manouvre for alone time with him. Don't be too eager, it's a big turn-off. Try to make him think he's doing the chasing when really you're subtly leading him, and that you're hard to get for other guys (but maybe not him). It's a game, and you can get really good at it, but it takes practice.
That's all I've got, perhaps some girls can expand or do better. Anything else I have personal-experience wise would be more orientated towards men in your situation.