In a relationship where I get hit..

LegacyUser

As this is a very touchy issue for me as I'm a guy and engaged to a sometimes wonderful person we started going out when young 16 and now I'm 25 when we started out it was great as young love as ya say. Then as we got older it was great as well but on and off from between year 2 to 5 years she hit me at least 2 or 3 times a year like proper punches and just to let you guys know I have never laid a finger on her ever and haven't. This has made me very down on myself and at the time I wasn't happy with myself personally and was thinking what to do but promises saying it wont happen. After the last time in the 5th year I left and moved home as I couldn't take it anymore. So we met one day to have a chat about things as I was missing her like crazy and she was missing me as well. So we chatted and I said we may a future if she would stop hitting me so she promised she wouldn't so I thought about it for a week or two and decided to give her another chance. So she agreed to get anger management classes and have to say we had some great years that I will never forget and we are soul mates to be honest and was great. But recently I returned back to college after losing my job a year ago so money is tight for me personally and we cant do what we use to be able to do so there is tension. We got engaged last March as we were ready to take next step and I couldn't be happier and family and friends were delighted but I have to say over the last two month she has hit me at least 3 times and really said mean things to me that I thought she would never say. I have to also mention that the 3 times she has hit me we were drunk but I did nothing wrong she just flipped and to be honest I have hit a brick wall at the moment the last time was last weekend away at a party on the way home. I do not know what to do we live together and she helps me out financially and it helps with college but I have to say after the last time I really just wanted to walk out but I know I want to sort my life out through college and need her help to do this as I have no one else really. She has apologies about the 3 times recently and she has said it was only because the drink and I asked for a reason why and she cant remember. If I did something id rather talk about it rather than hitting out because im pretty sure if it was the other way around I reckon there would be charges against me and im pretty sure she would not be here with me.. I really don't know what to do its not something I can talk to my friends about. any help would be brilliant.

hi op firstly can i say that i am sorry you are experiencing this it is ABUSE plain and simple .

your dependency on her seems to lead her into thinking it is her right to hit you it is NOT!!!!

you need to step back from this situation could you apply for a grant in your own name ? live apart for a while ? i know this may seem impossible but there is a pattern of abuse her and although she has sort help it is happening again and again .

how many times has she said sorry and the hit you again ?

when is she going to hit you again and for what reason ?.

bottom line nobody should have to put up with this type of abuse and she should be told that includes you!!

good luck

LegacyUser

If she was concerned about it, she wouldn;t drink.

What would happen if you guys had kids, she got drunk and took it out on them?

What's more important to her, your relationship or getting wasted?

CDfm

The first thing is that nobody -man woman or child should have to put up with this. Physical abuse is a no no.

Check out www.amen.ie for the abused guys helpline and support.

Check out this book by Susan Forward " Emotional Blackmail " written for men and women in abusive relationship.

http://www.wayneandtamara.com/emotionalblackmail.htm

Normal people dont live like that and if you cant accept that ask any man or woman friend you have.

Engaged means marriage and I would not be engaged to someone like that. So check this out too.

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/

The behaviour you are accepting is not normal period.

The abuse is her problem and not yours and the law is on your side.

whatsamsn

Mate,
Its wrong for a person to hit their partner. Doesnt matter if its guy hitting a girl, or girl hitting the guy. Its just wrong either way.


Personally, and sorry for being blunt, I think you're being a bit to passive with her. Shes hit you many times. She says she'll stop but it starts up again.

You have to man-up a little. And I am not saying this because the situation happens to be you a man getting hit by your girlfriend. In relationships one partner can be passive while the other can be dominant. If not entirely, in certain matters, eg, the bf doesnt like the gf to go out with mates so she doesnt, or the gf thinks he should be at her beck and call, so he is...

Those are just examples off the top of my head. you could list about 100 examples. The point is standing your ground. If you be passive to certain things you wont change anything. And talking about things doesnt always solve things. Action usually does.


But I think... this needs to be said too.
Op, .. i dont mean to be brutally honest. But you're a guy. If any woman a man is dating hits him. She doesnt respect him. Shes the flat out dominant one. Thats far past "who is dominant" in certain aspects you see in serious relationships. but you my friend are being totally dominated. You have to stand your ground. what if you get married to her? think it'll stop? my friend it'll get worse.

LegacyUser

Jolene Wrong Smokestack wrote: »

could you apply for a grant in your own name ?

good luck

AFAIK, the grant authorities take the partners income into account if the applicant was living with the partner on 1st October last year.

miec

Hi Op

I was so sad to read your post, because of the situation you are in and the fact that you care so much for your partner and she let you down, like you I was in an abusive relationship (well a few in my case) the first one the guy hit me, the 2nd it was more sexual, and the last and most recent was emotional. Like you I felt a connection to that person, thought they were my soul mate, etc but when they said awful, awful things that no one should say I felt a piece of me wither. They didn't drink but the thing is when a person crosses the line and abuses you, and believe me you are being abused, the trust goes and you can no longer look at yourself in the mirror. Now I understand the financial pressures you are under, when I was with my ex, I was in college too and financially dependent on them and this sounds like your biggest concern, I would suggest a few things, get in touch with Amen as suggested by another Op, contact a student adviser and see what financial help can be offered to you, you would be amazed at what is out there, and maybe consider some counselling long term for yourself. I got counselling for other issues, but this time I also used it to help me with relationships and it made a huge difference and helped me understand my people pleasing behaviour and how I put other before my own welfare. Breaking away from this situation is tough, very tough but you will be able to look at yourself in the mirror if you do leave. If need emotional support please PM me, I hope it all works out for you.

Sound Bite

OP, her treatment of you is so far out of order.

If I walked into your house & hit you right now, you'd have me up for assult. It wouldn't be acceptable for anyone else to hit you & you wouldn't take it. As your fiance, she should be the one fighting your corner & sticking up for you in the difficult times, not beating up down & abusing you.

You got some really good advise & contacts listed above. Use them. You deserve better. IMO, there is never any reason or excuse to remain in a voilent relationship. Its a very dangerous situation, what happens when the day finally comes when you snap & fight back, I dread to think.

Get out & get out now & don't ever look back.

bp

Out of curiosity why hasn't anyone suggested he go to the police (or am I just blind - reading this post without glasses on so that could be the case!)? If it was a woman posting we would all say take picutes and to to the guards!

You need to move out, document anything you have and just leave! Tell your mates or don't tell your mates but change your number, stay with a friend and cut all contact.

This is not healthy or normal and just because a woman is doing it doesn't mean it isn't abuse!

Good luck and there is a woman out there who will love you for you and not abuse you

CDfm

the general rule is that the gardai only intervene in a current situation and will normally only act if there is a court order in place such as a safety order or a protection order

http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/birth-family-relationships/problems-in-marriages-and-relationships/barring_safety_and_protection_orders

Increasing number of guys apply for these and the guards are then empowered to act to enforce the order

the bottom line is that the op is dependent on his partner financially and feels his options are limited and that stops him leaving

maybe it is drink related

Neyite

if it is drink related, then she should stop drinking. if she cares about him this much, then this is quite frankly, a small step on her part to buidling trust with him in the realtionship.

but hitting is not just drink-related, is it? it can be anything you want it to be to justify raising your hand to the person you love - money-related, work-related, kids-related, etc etc. fact is, she hits because she can. because he stays. and she will continue to hit, but when one excuse wears thin, she will move onto the next. so, now she is conveniently using the 'twas the drink' excuse, remove that, and another will pop up, and another, and another.....

when someone we love hits, we focus on this being an abberation in an otherwise perfect person, we justify it with excuses, we attribute this behaviour to a once-off, and blame external problems. we choose to believe that this is a perfect person who acted out of character, but in reality, this is very much a part of her character, and its not going anywhere. no matter how much you love her. love never cures a batterers behaviour. their reaction to lifes problems is to hit. life will always present us with problems, ergo, they will always hit.

OP, consider this, if there is problems at her work, why doesnt she hit her boss, if its drink, why not the barmen, if its money, why not the bank teller? if its her family or friends, why not give them a wallop. why is it always you? the real answer is that she knows better than to hit those people. she wont change. she will continue to hurt you. the only person who can change is you.

do you want to marry someone who hits or more - this behaviour usually escalates the longer it goes on, do you want your kids to see you get hit, or hide upstairs, terrified cos mum is on the rampage? do you want to have your children beaten? tiptoeing around? she is giving you an occasional wallop now, what is she going to be like when shes got a wedding to plan and the stresses that involves, will kicking you instead of hitting make her feel better? what happens if there is a colicky baby screaming its head off? how will she cope with that? giving you a trip to A&E?

LEAVE. you deserve better

Beruthiel

hhhhhhhelp wrote: »

on and off from between year 2 to 5 years she hit me at least 2 or 3 times a year like proper punches

This has made me very down on myself

I said we may a future if she would stop hitting me so she promised she wouldn't

over the last two month she has hit me at least 3 times and really said mean things to me that I thought she would never say.

I have to also mention that the 3 times she has hit me we were drunk

OP
Read the above comments.
If a female friend of yours was to tell you the above, what would be your advice to her?
I'm betting it would be something like this:
Honey, you don't deserve this.
Drunk or sober, there is no excuse for hitting your partner. The person you are 'supposed' to love.
This is a sick, unhealthy relationship.
This will get worse.
This has gotten worse.
She used to hit you 2 or 3 times a year.
Now it's 2 or 3 times a month.
Would you want any future children with this woman watch their father get treated like this? What damage would that do to their fragile minds?
What if she were to do this to her future children?
What if it escalates further?
What if, next time she's drunk, she uses a weapon?
You want to end up in hospital, or worse?
You think that someone who 'loves' you wouldn't do that? Why the need for all those battered shelters then?

You might love her, but she's bad for you.
She will break you down. Ruin your self esteem and confidences and eventually make you feel like you aren't worth the sh!t stuck to her shoe.
Save yourself.
Get away from her. Get help from the links proved in this thread.

LegacyUser

Get away from her now. She is not able for a relationship. Whatever trouble she has, she's taking it out on you. You're not her punching bag when life goes wrong. If you reared a child and saw him/her grow up, you have all these wishes that they'll be happy, how would you feel if you saw them go into an abusive relationship? It would absolutely kill you. I'm sure your parents didn't rear you so that you'd enter into an abusive relationship. Nobody would wish that kind of future on their children.

Leave at once. Let her know that you have no interest in being with her unless she sorts herself out. Then get on with your life, and start living the way you deserve to live.

Good luck