Ex's, the past and the present

CrazyWoman

Hi, I was just wondering if you guys could give me your views, opinions, personal experiences regarding something which has been stressing me quite a bit.

It's to do with relationships/friendships with ex's. How would you feel or deal with a bf keeping and lying about pictures of an ex, a number of pictures. and particularly if that person has no pictures or seems not to have the same desire to take pictures of you?...the ex in question would also not be his most recent relationship before you, so he has pictures of this one girl but none of others. The relationship apparently ended on a mutual note but neither of them wanted it to end, though i get the feeling that was more on the side of my bf. So i dont know how to feel. I just thought id ask, see if i could get your views before i drive myself crazy or him for that matter. Its a horrible feeling to have when you love someone so much.

thanks

LegacyUser

I would not be happy about that at all. He obviously still has a thing for his ex, perhaps he felt she was 'the one'. If she asked him back in the morning, would he dump all else and run to her?... I'd be putting my cards on the table and letting him know straight up what the problem is.

LegacyUser

This is tricky, as it very much depends on the person! I think in general, a lot of guys aren't crazy sentimental about pictures and would only take them if they were at some sepcific event or something like that, so I wouldn't take it too personally. To me, it sounds like he's not over her fully, but that's not to say that if you two continue to date, he wont end up tossing out her pictures and realising he may be better off now - shes an ex for a reason, whether it was on her part or his part. I rarely have the exes chat with boyfriends, as it throws all kinda doubts into your mind about them - hearing how boyfriends have treated exes, even though they dont necessarily see it as bad when they're telling me, has often unsettled me! I'd try and put it to the back of my mind and live in the moment if i were u. does he talk about her a lot?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I understand your situation, and I am actually on the other side than you..I am the ex of a guy who still has pics of me, lets say, intimate pics without going into details.;-)

We broke up in a similar situation than your bf and his ex, it was mutual because we had too but we both loved each other madly.
We tried the stay friends thingy and clearly didnt work out so we have now stopped contact completely (his request) for a year more or less.
Few months ago he contacted me drunk to tell me he had a gf he was in love with...weird to call me to say that but then few months after he called me again and told ne he was looking at pics of me, i knew what pics he was talking about and to be honest im very surprised he kept those pics as he has a gf he loves now...

So I can understand fro myour view how it feels and to be honest, i wont go more in details about my ex but there is still something there between us, make it jsut sexual maybe i dont know, I have not seen him even though he has ask many times as i would not feel comfortable mainly because he has a gf, but if i were you, first i dont know how you know he has pics of her and if he told you then just ask him why he keeps them.
Better be honest and ask in a conversation with him cos if hes anything like my ex then hes probably not totally over her. Doesnt mean he wants her back but theres obviously underlying issue there that needs to be addressed and solved.

Remembe, communication is the key in a relationship so if you want to know ask !

All the best luck to you

CrazyWoman

Thanks guys, its really good to hear from you.

In reply to some of the stuff youve said, I did actually ask my bf about the pictures, and he said he didnt know they were there, he said he didnt know why either.

We had an argument, got a bit upset and he deleted them and we made up but the thing is they had got to me then and he couldnt or wouldnt explain why they were there. I had just come across them in his harddrive, i didnt go looking for them but after that i did check to see if there was anything else, i found a usb with pictures of me id sent him and also pictures oft this ex. I let it be.

However, weeks later we were looking for something to watch, he stores everything he ever downloads on harddrives or usbs, so i picked up the usb and said lets try this, but he took it off me and said no that there was only pics of me on it that i sent him(kinda intmate ones) he said he liked it that they were his private pics, only he could look at. But i knew he wasnt telling the whole truth, and i just wanted him to be honest because if he told me the truth it wouldnt feel so bad, i mean if you hide something its for some reason. I gave the chance to be honest, i said he could tell me if there was anything else but he got annoyed, we argued and made it out that i didnt trust him. I let it go, but i couldnt sleep that night, his lies bothered me. I text him the next day and asked again, he replied by telling me he had smashed it because he didnt want it causing so much trouble. This made me angry and really upset, so i told him i had a pretty good idea what was on it and begged him to be honest, he did finally tell me, said he wasnt sure but he thought maybe there was pics of her and that he lied and hid it because he didnt wanted me to see them and be upset.
I mean we spoke about it and i know he loves me. but the hiding and the lying. im supposed to be his best friend.

I also saw that hed been looking at her profiles online and pics.

Hes said that shes his friend and that he doesnt have feelings for her like that anymore and that he loves me.
They work for the same company too.

Anyway, after i posted this thread, i spoke to him about it all again, because i felt really stressed about it. I do feel better about it. anyway ive been typing for ages and i must have tea :-) so ill be back

vicecreamsundae

i have LOADS of pics of my ex, and i'd never get rid of them, even though im not even slightly interested in him that way anymore. some exes are just more important than others, and im sure he has good memories with his ex [even just of good times, not necessarily romantic].
i also check out my exes pics on facebook the odd time, it's just nosiness like i check out other friends pics every once in a while.
i get that it would bother you a little, but really he's not doing anything wrong, and i think it's completely understandable that he didnt want to say there were pics of the ex on the usb cos it might upset you.

are they friends/still in contact?
i wouldnt like a current boyfriend to go on about his ex, but just being in possession of old pics is normal. don't look to create problems where there arent any, is what id say!

LegacyUser

vicecreamsundae wrote: »

i have LOADS of pics of my ex, and i'd never get rid of them, even though im not even slightly interested in him that way anymore. some exes are just more important than others, and im sure he has good memories with his ex [even just of good times, not necessarily romantic].
i also check out my exes pics on facebook the odd time, it's just nosiness like i check out other friends pics every once in a while.
i get that it would bother you a little, but really he's not doing anything wrong, and i think it's completely understandable that he didnt want to say there were pics of the ex on the usb cos it might upset you.

are they friends/still in contact?
i wouldnt like a current boyfriend to go on about his ex, but just being in possession of old pics is normal. don't look to create problems where there arent any, is what id say!

Did you read the OP's posts? They work together.

The fact that they obviously still see each other (daily I would assume if they work together) would be extremely unsettling for me, I can't understand how someone could think it's "normal" for someone to hang onto pictures of their ex, storing them secretly on USB sticks.

As repeated here approximately 10 times daily, the EX is an ex for a reason, they are the past, you are no longer with them for a reason. You have moved on. Storing pictures is not normal behaviour and absolutely not appropriate to your current partner.

CrazyWoman

i have LOADS of pics of my ex, and i'd never get rid of them, even though im not even slightly interested in him that way anymore. some exes are just more important than others, and im sure he has good memories with his ex [even just of good times, not necessarily romantic].

.........
well i dont know, girls seem to take more pictures and are more sentimental. i suppose it bothers me that he's a guy who took all these photos and kept them, especially since he doesnt have pictures of any other exes and the photos are just close-ups of her. And it makes me upset that hes taken so many of these of her when they were together and none of me now. it makes me feel that he felt more in love love, i dont know just more special. does that make sense?

LegacyUser

Like a previous poster said, don't over think and create problems where there isnt any

he is with you now not her so stop thinking about it and enjoy yourself and each other, I guranty you the more you will push this issue with him the more you will make him upset or ultimately you will make him think of her.

Plan a few nights in or out, little surprise, nice dinner or sexy time and you both will enjoy your times together and forgot about the ex.

My ex has pics of me and I'm the only one he has pics of and so what?!...nothing! it doesnt mean he wants me back or be with me, he has a gf and loves her so move on and stop analyse it, we all love someone in our life in different ways, he loved her maybe the same but differently level but at the end remember....they are not together he is with you so unless he has giving you some definite signs that he doesnt feel the same for you i wouldnt rely on taking or having pics a way to prove how strong someone 's love is.

best

CrazyWoman

ultimately you will make him think of her

.....???? i would hope when he thinks of her he doesnt feel anything? he sees her nearly everyday and is still friends with her. ....me talking about her shouldnt make 'think' like that about her. i mean thats why im worried about in the first place!

what youre saying......

we all love someone in our life in different ways, he loved her maybe the same but differently level but at the end remember....they are not together he is with you so unless he has giving you some definite signs that he doesnt feel the same for you i wouldnt rely on taking or having pics a way to prove how strong someone 's love is.

.............he loved her maybe the same?..a different level?...... i understand we all love people at different times in our life and differently but it shouldnt be the same, no. im not vain but he should feel a stronger love for me, love me more, she and that relationship shouldnt even compare. Thats how i feel about him.

Yes, theyre not together now, hes with me, i know that. But he didnt want the relationship with her to end and they stayed friends. She moved on. I suppose what really bothers me is, i dont believe you can just quench feelings of love for someone when they end it and be their friend instead?

LegacyUser

CrazyWoman wrote: »

Yes, theyre not together now, hes with me, i know that. But he didnt want the relationship with her to end and they stayed friends. She moved on. I suppose what really bothers me is, i dont believe you can just quench feelings of love for someone when they end it and be their friend instead?

I think you're reading way too much into a few pictures. All the questioning and uncertainty is wrecking his head, and yours too. You have absolutely no proof that he would cheat on you, so I'd let things lie if I were you.

If you can't be happy in the relationship knowing he has these pictures of an ex though, you should break up with him.

CrazyWoman

I think you're reading way too much into a few pictures. All the questioning and uncertainty is wrecking his head, and yours too. You have absolutely no proof that he would cheat on you, so I'd let things lie if I were you.

If you can't be happy in the relationship knowing he has these pictures of an ex though, you should break up with him.

I know he wouldnt cheat on me. and let things lie? If someone loves you, or if you love them, something like jealousy or a little insecurity is not something which would make you break up with them.

I just worry that maybe someone i love so much has kept an ex in their life that they may still have some feeling for, not love or full blown desire but care more than they should do. It makes me wonder if they felt more passionate in that relationship and thats why the pictures bother me, not because they still have them but because the action of taking pictures of someone you love is something you do because you want to capture a particular moment, or a particular aspect of them, because youre just so attracted to them and love being with them. Its because that particular desire seems to be lacking in this relationship with me that makes me want to know why, aswell as the odd other affectionate gesture, sentimentality. thats why i feel like this.

LegacyUser

CrazyWoman wrote: »

I know he wouldnt cheat on me. and let things lie? If someone loves you, or if you love them, something like jealousy or a little insecurity is not something which would make you break up with them.

I agree, a small bit of jealousy or insecurity is not enough to break up with someone. But equally a little jealousy or insecurity shouldn't be something that causes you to constantly question whether your boyfriend prefers his ex over you. I don't think questioning him about his ex is going to do your relationship any good

seenitall

CrazyWoman wrote: »

i understand we all love people at different times in our life and differently but it shouldnt be the same, no. im not vain but he should feel a stronger love for me, love me more, she and that relationship shouldnt even compare. Thats how i feel about him.

This is odd. I don't get this. In my view, it reflects a big insecurity issue on your part. Why exactly do you feel that he should feel a stronger love for you, so that their (former) relationship can't even compare? Because you came along after her? Because you feel somehow entitled to being his greatest love? Talk about threatened.

People's feelings don't work the way you'd like them to. He loved her exactly as strongly as he did, and there is nothing at all that is going to change that, no matter what you do. It seems to me that your main problem is contending with the possibility that she may well have been the greatest love of his life, and moving on from that fact, if you can. I symphatise with that, it must not be nice to be in your current position. It's your call. But this isn't about a few photos.

LegacyUser

Seen it all said it perfectly

I mean by my previous post that, you can not put the love for someone or everyone you had in your life on a scale, it is impossible cos again you will love people in different ways.

It's not because you are his latest love that you are the greatest or the strongest, if it was the case in life than no one will ever cheats on their wife or husband.

So what if he has pictures of her, its only photos, we all think differently and maybe for him its no biggie or just souvenir of a time ...in the past!! if he still has strong feelings for her I would imagine he wouldn't be going out with you or simply would break up, regardless has the one who got dumped or the other way around with his ex.

I'm guessing you must be young to be thinking that way and must not have much experience, cos unfortunately, if that's the way you are thinking than you are up for major disappointment and hurt.
You do come across as very insecure, again, I said concentrate on being happy in your relationship and spending happy time together and stop analyzing things that can not be analyzed.

The more you are going to dig for impossible answers on this the more you are going to ruin your relationship with him, you are going to come across as needy and clingy for reassurance and THIS will drive him away, either from you or to her or both.

When I said think of her I meant its not because they work in the same office that he thinks of her, I'm sure, BUT you bringing this up WILL make him think of her in "the relationship way" not the work way.

If he still arbores feelings for her than you could be a rebound, again, its an opinion as only you know the relationship inside out etc.

My advise still stands, stop analyzing it, move on and concentrate and making this relationship the best you and him had by enjoying yourselves!

Good luck

CrazyWoman

It seems to me that your main problem is contending with the possibility that she may well have been the greatest love of his life, and moving on from that fact, if you can.

are you serious??....how can anyone expect to contend with that, knowing youll always be second best. is that even healthy, never loving anyone else and holding onto one person?, you could never hope to have a real love again. I mean would any of you other girls or guys accept that?
If you get into relationships without the hope of being that persons true love, you're screwed. I mean how would you feel about that?....

AnnyHallsal

There's a clash here between romanticism and pragmatism. Most of us have to live with a combination of the two. True love is real but also mythologised. You can't quantify how someone felt about their exes. But you can assure yourself that they want to be with you and treat you as you wish to be treated. Like others have said, I'd try not to overthink things. I've seen so many people, including myself, instigate problems in relationships that weren't there by fretting over various insecurity inspired issues. It usually destroys the relationship. If you feel he loves you truly now and treats you well, I would think that's enough.

seenitall

CrazyWoman wrote: »

are you serious??....how can anyone expect to contend with that, knowing youll always be second best. is that even healthy, never loving anyone else and holding onto one person?, you could never hope to have a real love again. I mean would any of you other girls or guys accept that?
If you get into relationships without the hope of being that persons true love, you're screwed. I mean how would you feel about that?....

Yes, I was serious. However, it is just my reading of your situation, based on my experience of the world. I did say I appreciated the difficulty of your position. Try to enjoy your relationship for what it is. If you can't, well then I guess you'd be better off out of it, wouldn't you?

(BTW, no, I don't think that it is unhealthy for your bf to have photos of his ex stored on his PC or that she was his great love or whatnot. Would I accept that in my relationship? Well, it is the type of thing I would have been getting het up about in my twenties, not now. Call me cynical - like AnnyHallsal, I like to call it pragmatic - but I am these days very far away from the notion of "true love", "the One", etc. That kind of thinking never got me very far with the opposite sex, I find it is not realistic enough when it comes to relationships.)

No one on here can tell you how you should feel about this. You feel what you feel, and so does your boyfriend. In any case, you should follow your feelings, fighting them is a waste of time IMO.

Best wishes.