Taking a Dump at work...

nevaeh-2die-4

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

CRACK WHORE
A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Telltale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and **** streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORE at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic and embarrassment, similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

HAVANA OMELET
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine-gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic; remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

WATERMELON
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WAERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

Biggins

O' for gawds sake. Stay off the drink. :pac:

Gran Hermano

IBTF*






*In before the Flutt

KeithM89_old

You forgot about the Upper Decker

Sh1tin in the cistern so the water stinks for weeks

Donkey Oaty

So this is what they talk about on Football 365. How do I subscribe?

Jev/N

'Stall'?

Donkey Oaty

Jev/N wrote: »

'Stall'?

And indeed this:

A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus

It's the kind of thing an American Football fan would say.

El Weirdo

I thought a Turd Burglar was someone who "got the other bus".

admiralofthefleet

the phantom

a shit that vanishes when one turns around to admire it

Sergeant

Dr. FlutterinBantam will be along shortly.

admiralofthefleet

Sergeant wrote: »

Dr. FlutterinBantam will be along shortly.

he is just reading viz

Thrill

Fly-Tipping

Dumping where you're not supposed to.

Example: Upper Decker

W.Shakes-Beer

KeithM89 wrote: »

You forgot about the Upper Decker

Sh1tin in the cistern so the water stinks for weeks

Can also be known as The Sleeping Hippo.

MidlandsM

This thread is Shyte.

W.Shakes-Beer

THE A.C. SLATER

having a shít while sitting backwards on the can, with arms or head resting on cistern.

Miss Ogyne

This is so old it actually stinks worse than a WALK OF SHAME

RoundyMooney

Is it that time of the month again?

Flutt must be driving the taxi this evening.

Biggins

RoundyMooney wrote: »

Is it that time of the month again?

Flutt must be driving the taxi this evening.

He left the car spanner behind so someone else is driving our nuts into a twist with threads!

ibarelycare

Girls don't poop so I've nothing to contribute here.

strokemyclover

What about "The Junkie". Where the sound of a lighter repeatedly scratching wards off others. That and the full bar of Dairy Milk lying on the floor

antodeco

The Crab Claw
You have to wrap toilet paper on your hand and pinch like a crab claw. This is resulting from a klingon (it hangs on, and you shake from side to side and it wont come off). Only way of removing it is with a crab claw.

Biggins

antodeco wrote: »

The Crab Claw
You have to wrap toilet paper on your hand and pinch like a crab claw. This is resulting from a klingon (it hangs on, and you shake from side to side and it wont come off). Only way of removing it is with a crab claw.

Say wha? :eek:

Super-Rush

Sh1t story bro.




I'd suggest you take a quick look through the charter before your next effort.