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CBradbury

Read Me.

I hope that it's not a problem that my work is off the forum. I think it's easier to read on my site. This is my first post so I'm looking forward to what everyone thinks of my work.

pickarooney

I'm not at home, so don't have time to read it all or give a full reply, but just on the first two paragraphs I'd say it needs a lot of work.

Within every individual lies a beating heart. Constantly pumping and grinding away at the flows, but for some broken hearts reside. Not by physically or mental means but beyond, a pain so stellar that is grows and feeds into the soul. Feeding on and rotting away the spirit.

I counted five grammatical errors in that and honestly couldn't really make out what you were trying to say because of them.

Heavy smoke clouds reside in a small villa off a busy city street. A man lay perched upon a chair diligently reading documents composed of bills and warnings. A small candle danced to the sight of a middle-aged man, slowly puffing his pipe. His face is corroded from age and stress.

It seems to have switched from an essay to a short story here and the tense is all over the place. You need to make up your mind from the outset which this is and if it's happening in the present or if it's already happened.

CBradbury

Thanks for the feedback. I'm aware that my writing style is very raw as of why I'm here on the boards.

EileenG

I'm sorry, I couldn't finish it. I had to keep stopping to try to work out what you were trying to say. For the record, "fowl smell" means a smell of birds. And while I love the idea of burning gold for heat, and buildings that eat wood, I got tired of trying to understand what was going on.

You must learn to spell, to punctuate, and to construct sentences. I also suggest you try writing without using so many adjectives and adverbs.

The good news is that I think you are fairly safe from anyone stealing your work.

Dapper Dan

EileenG wrote: »

The good news is that I think you are fairly safe from anyone stealing your work.

Zing.

CBradbury

EileenG wrote: »

The good news is that I think you are fairly safe from anyone stealing your work.

Well at least it's something. I'm aware I'm not the best as of why I'm here.

EileenG

The thing is, you have potential, and I really enjoy fantasy, but you have to get the basics right.

Make sure you are using the right words. Saying "fowl" when you mean "foul" is confusing, especially in fantasy where you may have meant ""fowl" so I have to stop and work out which word you intended to use. Get the spelling and the punctuation right.

Try reading your story out loud, and you'll soon hear where where you have sentences that don't make sense.

See if you can write without all the adjectives. Adjectives don't add emphasis, they weaken your nouns, so use a strong noun and forget the adjectives.

Start your story where the action starts, no prologue or set-up.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but I wouldn't post anything on the internet until you've worked on it and edited it to the very best of your ability. Your blog should be a showcase of your polished writing, not where you make silly mistakes. You are now established in my mind as the guy who smells of chickens, and it's going to take a lot of good writing before I get over that.

cobsie

Hey dude - this is not great, but as you say this is just the beginning of you starting to write, don't worry too much about criticism and just keep going. The only way at getting better at writing is to write your ass off. You wouldn't expect to pick up a guitar and just start playing (All that Remains for instance ) - it takes real focus to get good.

You know that ol' cliche about 'write what you know' ? Well, it doesn't mean that you can only write about NJ - it means that whatever fictional environment you create, the emotion needs to be real, the characters need to be life-like. Imagine some girl you loved and then imagine her being Penelope. Would she really act that way? Try to think about what you know about her...and write what you know.

Also - you are not being a great ambassador for the NJ school system right now. Print your stuff out and read it, don't rely on spell check to get all the mistakes, of which there are waaay too many.

On the plus side - I like your blog! You should definitely keep it up.

EileenG

If it makes you feel any better, I've just written a love scene, and my critical reader's reaction was "Pass the barf bag." Ouch! So I'll rewrite it till I get it right.

CBradbury

Thanks for the feed back folks. I'll make sure to edit my work 100% for next time. I'm quite aware that my writing is terrible. The thing that really irks me is that I really don't know to become a better writer. I really want to understand all of the mechanics behind writing a great piece but, like I said, I really don't know where to start.

I never really had an interest in writing until I started attending college. Looking back I wish I payed more attention in my earlier years.

Thanks again for the honest feedback.

cobsie

Well, in a sense, we are all wondering how to be better writers

There is only one sure-fire route to better writing, and that is keep putting words down. You will be amazed at how much better you get in just a few months. It will start to come more easily and you'll be less at sea about how to control what you are writing, make deliberate choices etc.

There is loads of good advice and resources posted on this forum. Look back over the threads and see what others suggest for writing exercises, links and general encouragement.

good luck!

pickarooney

CBradbury wrote: »

Thanks for the feed back folks. I'll make sure to edit my work 100% for next time. I'm quite aware that my writing is terrible. The thing that really irks me is that I really don't know to become a better writer. I really want to understand all of the mechanics behind writing a great piece but, like I said, I really don't know where to start.

I never really had an interest in writing until I started attending college. Looking back I wish I payed more attention in my earlier years.

Thanks again for the honest feedback.

The only advice I can think of is to write good things simply. Don't write anything down unless you are absolutely sure of what you are saying and why you are saying it.

EileenG

What he said. Keep it simple. Subject, verb, object. He kissed her. I hate you. The plague infected the village. The pirates boarded the ship.

Use the simplest word that will do the job properly. Don't say portal if door will do. Keep portal for when you are writing about an opening between dimensions.

After that, it's all about practice. Just keep writing, and you will improve.