used and abused

LegacyUser

hi all,

this is my first time posting and i am vry nervous so plz bar with me....

2 weeks ago i went away for the weekend with my bf and a few friends. its an annual event and the highlight of my year. anyway on the saturday night while drinking in the hotel bar, a group of gilrs walked in, we knew 2 of them, they started chatting to my bf and as i watched from a nearby table it seemed that he was quite enjoying all the attention. myself and a few of the others decided to hit the hay and he said he would follow me up shortly as he was finishing his pint with one of the lads. at 3am i woke up and still no sign, i text him and he said on the way. another 2 hours passed and still no sign, my heart began to pound and my head started to spin, i went to the window and looked out to see him sitting on the couch in the lobby with one of those girls with her legs across his and them deep in conversation. i couldnt get down the stairs quick enough and confronted them it was 5.30am in the morning and this was in the hotel lobby of which i was sleeping upstairs. he denied anything was happening and how dare i embarrase him like this. i asked him to come upstairs and he wouldnt. she just got up and left. we ended up having a major row, with me crying and him roaring at me saying i totally embarrased him and i was to go and find that girl and apologise. i kept asking what happened with her and he wouldnt answer me. he called me all sorts ( he was extremley drunk) , and got up to leave the hotel. i followed him and he got quite aggresive asking me to leave him alone, i kept asking what happened with her and he in the end said yes he was with her. So i walked away and headed for the hotel.

that night i cryed and cryed, i had been told so many times by friends that he wasnt to be trusted but i honestly thought he wouldnt do it to me. that we were different. when i got home, he begged and pleaded for a second chance. we talked and talked and i decided against all the advice of my gf to take him back. i love him so much i just couldnt bare to be without him.

This is where it gets interesting............

All seemed to be going ok, we werent the same as i had been quite withdrawn and told him it would take time for me to trust him again but he seemed ok with it. Last weekend he text me to say he is moving out, that it wasnt working and he needed space, and to be on his own. it completely blew me away. i begged him to talk to me, not to throw away our 4 year realtionship that we could work it out but he just said "sorry" "not you its me BS"

It is a week later and i am in tatters. cant sleep, cant eat, we work together and he laughing and messing around the office like nothing had happened. He hasnt moved in anywhere, so i presume there is someone else?? or maybe he just realised that he does not want me anymore.

I know your prob thinking what the hell is she begging him for, but he is my reason for living, we were so happy and had all our futures planned. I have a 3yr old daughter from a previous marraige whom adores him, and he just goes and walks out on us?

I suppose i know the replies i am going to get, but just that i wrote it all doen helped me. Only for my daughter and the support of my gf's i honestly dont think i would be here. why do men do this to us? how can he love me so much a few weeks ago, beg me to take him back and then walk out on me.

thank you for listening to me.

AnonMous

Hey Op,

Firstly, i'd just like to say that I am really sorry to hear about how upset you are. And as cliched as it sounds, time is the great healer. I know you are probably hurting like crazy and I have been there myself on more than one occasion but it will get easier.

Secondly, you know this is coming, but you ARE better off without him. You could never trust him again properly after what he admitted and your friends obviously had some reason to think he couldn't be trusted. Relationships are built around trust and I think once the initial shock is over, you will realise that you are better off without him.

I genuinely hope you feel better soon and look after yourself.

Squiggler

Hi Op

So sorry to hear about this, its an awful situation for you, especially as you work together.

But the fact that you do work together makes it all the more important that you quickly bring yourself to realise that that guy isn't fit to wipe your shoes on. You deserve better, and if you'd wasted more years with him you wouldn't have been finding the better guy who is out there waiting for you somewhere.

I've been there, and it is devastating at first, but the best advice I can give you is to have a good cry, then get rid of everything he put in your life that you didn't want, treat yourself to the things you couldn't do when he was around, enjoy your newfound freedom and independence.

Best of luck

LegacyUser

OP, stand back and think, how could you possibly spend the rest of your days with someone who thinks so little of you?

Walk, no, run away from this idiot.


Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger, you'll be far better off without him.

LegacyUser

usedandabused wrote: »

It is a week later and i am in tatters. cant sleep, cant eat, we work together and he laughing and messing around the office like nothing had happened. He hasnt moved in anywhere, so i presume there is someone else?? or maybe he just realised that he does not want me anymore.

I know your prob thinking what the hell is she begging him for, but he is my reason for living, we were so happy and had all our futures planned. I have a 3yr old daughter from a previous marraige whom adores him, and he just goes and walks out on us?

I suppose i know the replies i am going to get, but just that i wrote it all doen helped me. Only for my daughter and the support of my gf's i honestly dont think i would be here. why do men do this to us? how can he love me so much a few weeks ago, beg me to take him back and then walk out on me.

thank you for listening to me.

OP, he sounds awful. And i know your heart is broken right now, and it's hard to understand. But do you know what? Much as you see him as your reason for leaving, he isn't. You have a daughter, and i presume friends and family, and a job. You WILL get over this. You'll wake up one day and realise that you are so much better off without him! you shouldnt feel you have to be in a relationship where there is no trust or respect. He majorly disrespected you, and you and your daughter deserve someone much better in your life. My ex and I were only going out a year, but I thought we'd be together forever, no matter how much he messed me around. i was heartbroken when we split up, but within a few months, and some distance, i was able to see how much better off I was without him. better to be single than in a bad relationship - and someone perfect for u will come along! chin up buttercup!

Seraphina

usedandabused wrote: »

our 4 year realtionship that we could work it out but he just said "sorry" "not you its me BS"

I know your prob thinking what the hell is she begging him for, but he is my reason for living, we were so happy and had all our futures planned. I have a 3yr old daughter from a previous marraige whom adores him, and he just goes and walks out on us?.

sorry to point this out but it just jumped at me. is this a mistake or were you married while in a relationship with this man?

greengiant09

usedandabused wrote: »

hi all,

this is my first time posting and i am vry nervous so plz bar with me....

2 weeks ago i went away for the weekend with my bf and a few friends. its an annual event and the highlight of my year. anyway on the saturday night while drinking in the hotel bar, a group of gilrs walked in, we knew 2 of them, they started chatting to my bf and as i watched from a nearby table it seemed that he was quite enjoying all the attention. myself and a few of the others decided to hit the hay and he said he would follow me up shortly as he was finishing his pint with one of the lads. at 3am i woke up and still no sign, i text him and he said on the way. another 2 hours passed and still no sign, my heart began to pound and my head started to spin, i went to the window and looked out to see him sitting on the couch in the lobby with one of those girls with her legs across his and them deep in conversation. i couldnt get down the stairs quick enough and confronted them it was 5.30am in the morning and this was in the hotel lobby of which i was sleeping upstairs. he denied anything was happening and how dare i embarrase him like this. i asked him to come upstairs and he wouldnt. she just got up and left. we ended up having a major row, with me crying and him roaring at me saying i totally embarrased him and i was to go and find that girl and apologise. i kept asking what happened with her and he wouldnt answer me. he called me all sorts ( he was extremley drunk) , and got up to leave the hotel. i followed him and he got quite aggresive asking me to leave him alone, i kept asking what happened with her and he in the end said yes he was with her. So i walked away and headed for the hotel.

that night i cryed and cryed, i had been told so many times by friends that he wasnt to be trusted but i honestly thought he wouldnt do it to me. that we were different. when i got home, he begged and pleaded for a second chance. we talked and talked and i decided against all the advice of my gf to take him back. i love him so much i just couldnt bare to be without him.

This is where it gets interesting............

All seemed to be going ok, we werent the same as i had been quite withdrawn and told him it would take time for me to trust him again but he seemed ok with it. Last weekend he text me to say he is moving out, that it wasnt working and he needed space, and to be on his own. it completely blew me away. i begged him to talk to me, not to throw away our 4 year realtionship that we could work it out but he just said "sorry" "not you its me BS"

It is a week later and i am in tatters. cant sleep, cant eat, we work together and he laughing and messing around the office like nothing had happened. He hasnt moved in anywhere, so i presume there is someone else?? or maybe he just realised that he does not want me anymore.

I know your prob thinking what the hell is she begging him for, but he is my reason for living, we were so happy and had all our futures planned. I have a 3yr old daughter from a previous marraige whom adores him, and he just goes and walks out on us?

I suppose i know the replies i am going to get, but just that i wrote it all doen helped me. Only for my daughter and the support of my gf's i honestly dont think i would be here. why do men do this to us? how can he love me so much a few weeks ago, beg me to take him back and then walk out on me.

thank you for listening to me.

well....in answer to your question....because you let them!!! you were pre-warned as you said but ignored the signs. i seen this happen many times before. never let your heart rule your head!

secondly, i know it's tough after whats happened but you should not be so totally consumed by someone. it's not healthy! you should not be so completely reliant on anyone to make you happy.

LegacyUser

thank you all for your kind words, as i sit here reading them it makes it easier.
and no i was not married when i met him. Typo error on my part.

the evenings are the worst, but hopefully as ye said in time i will thank myself for not going back to him.

johnr1

Op, I'm so sorry to hear what was done to you, I also think that while all unfaithfulness is scummy, cowardly and about the worst thing one can do to someone they are supposedly in love with, where there are children involved or it is 'second time around' for the one being cheated on it's at a new level of low. However, it happens - every day and it's not just the preserve of men either. If you can take some good from it, it might be that at least you are now free of this scumbag and might actually get over him abut quicker than if he had left you under the impression that he was Mr niceguy.

Root around in this forum and you'l find a few threads from recent weeks with a virtual 'How to' manual for getting over someone. There is some excellent advice in those threads. Main two things would be Walk or run your legs off, and have absolutely no contact of any kind with your ex. Trust me, both do work.

LegacyUser

Came into work this morning and he asked why we couldnt be friends??? i ask ya...... the nerve of him. when i see him coming my heart pounds in my chest, i get a lump in my throat and all i want to do is to grab him and tell him i love him so much.

He said that he will always love me and my daughter and that he would do anything for us and that will never change. ... why cant he just ignore me and let me suffer in silence.

His brother has now decided to tell me that he did it more than once and that i am well rid. why the hell couldnt he tell me earlier?? just when i think i am making progress i get kicked again in the stomach. I am dreading the weekend, as my daughter is with her daddy, I am on my own. I am trying, please believe me, it is just so so hard.

Taltos

Definitely follow the advice of SF - get busy this weekend and plan out things to do in the coming days where you might get caught out alone.

Next time he comes up to you asking to be friends. Just reply "friends don't treat friends how you treated me - now faff off with yourself you scummy excuse for a boy."
Turn around - walk away and don't look back at him. Also try not to tear up or say this loudly - say it loud enough for him to hear - but no-one else most esp if he does this to you again in work. (SMILE the whole way through it - it will chill him... and if anyone else is watching they will have no clue)

While in work - just spend all your time smiling - I know inside you might feel like you are cracking up - but present a calm - happy front for everyone.
Work is a dodgy spot to be when relationship go wrong - but you really have to try.
If he keeps persisting make sure you just calmly ask him to respect your wishes and just allow you both to be professional in there without muddying the waters - it would help in this case if you had someone near you to hear this (witnesses and all).

Seriously though - you are well shot here. Kids are amazing and I am sure your child will bounce back - just be patient it might take some time and some really awkward questions....

Bottle_of_Smoke

Whatever you do don't get back with him. If he changes his mind it will be tempting but a very big mistake.

Grieve, move on, enjoy life.

hippy_hi

My advise would be to stay well away from him, and deff not to get back into a relationship with him!! Its easy for all of us to write on this as we are distant from the situation and I am aware that you are hurting so much now. Realistically only you can know what is right for you, what you are willing to forgive and how you want your future to pan out.

I can empathise as I had a simular experience and now I cant get over how strong I am. It was four years ago and now I look back and say if that happened to me now I know I would never take it like I did back then.

If you do choose to stay away from him for good and he doesnt try to squirm back into your life in a few months when he is bored of the single life or of another woman you will notice that your confidence will return and you'll know that you've made the right choice and both yourself and your daughter's future. Time is a great healer.

Take care of yourself and your daughter

LegacyUser

update:

hi everyone,

its been a few days and they have been some good and some very bad. I have done as you all have advised, no contact, kept busy etc. it was worked and i am very proud of myself for not texting him or making any sort of contact. Until yesterday.......

I seen him on the road heading out of town and i just crumbled. I dont know where he is staying, or who he is with and what the hell was he doing on that road at that time on a Sunday evening. None of our friends know where he is as he wont mention it, I was worried at first but now i am just prolonging the agony by thinking about it. So after i seen him i got home and text him..........i know plz dont be mad... I just said i missed him. He sent back a very bitter and angry text and so an argument started and i ended up worse than i was at the start.

So this morning b4 work he txt to apologise for snapping yesterday and he hoped we could be civil and maybe be friends, so i said no problem. after work this evening he started texting. just chit chat, friendly banter, until i asked how he was and if he felt any better? no he was worse and all was falling apart etc etc, that he was sorry for hurting me and that he will never ever find anyone like me again.... BS. So i ended the conversation and turned phone off. about an hour ago he text again, i made the stupid mistake of asking him to think about coming out to my parents house abroad for a week , to relax and get some time alone. he said he wouldnt feel comfortable and that he would sleep on it?????????? HELLO??

after that i just snaped, i told him i couldnt b friends that he was jusy using me, i would never be enuf etc etc and that not to contact me again. he never replied...

now im worse than i was initally......how can someone say you are all they wanted and how good it was and still couldnt be bothered to make it work? i thought the week away would have been the answer and that he would have been thrilled.....but NO. Kicked again..

WILL I EVER LEARN......

missmelo

Oh God,

this fella sounds like an ex of mine, an extreme headmelter, an if u let him he will keep it up.

Its unreal what he did to you, you sound like a very nice girl, so believe me when i say this 2 you its a fantastic thing that has happened to you, now you dont have to waste anymore of your precious time on him, your free to be with someone that respects you and loves you proper, i too felt as u did and i feel silly when i look back, because now im with a wonderful person, a real man.

You should just focus on yourself and child, and have lots of fun with your mates, try not 2 let him c u upset my ex always played on that and said really nice things, its equally as mean because it gives u hope, probaly wanting to keep u dangling.

Most of all really look 4ward to what the future will bring, it will be bright.
best of luck xxxx

dellas1979

Well rid - in a few months you will be saying "what in the name of God was I thinking?".

Just takes time - you are lucky to have your daughter.

IrishEyes19

Op, thats awful, so let me start first of all by saying how sorry I am that you're hurting like this.
But everyone on this thread is right, no contact is really the best way to go from here on as people like him never change, if he was anyway decent, he would be back on his knees begging for your forgiveness but instead has the cheek to snap at you and actually ask to be friends. This may sound harsh, but that a tactic he is using to keep a nice woman like yourself in his line of availability if he ever wants to come back again and hang around for a bit

its hard for us to accept especially when we really want that one person back believing things can be different. But no one be it man or woman should ever feel fear of being betrayed or hurt or broken in a relationship by someone else and if that happens, you have to get yourself away from this destructive people. Its hard to hear, but people like this man often get huge ego trips from breaking their partners down and having them on a string, and you like everyone else deserve to be in a safe, happy relationship, not worrying about trust and his cheating.

I would advise you that the next time he text's you dont answer, delete the number if you can, and at work if he attempts another "lets be friends," move, smile at him, shake your head and walk away, be civil and yet show him, you dont care...even though it hurts...dont let him see it.

Remember that HE is in the wrong here...he cheated on you and hurt you..not the other way around and therefore HE should be begging you to come back, and he isnt, proving how little worth your time he really should be. This is the hard road to take by cutting contact, but you will emerge the stronger woman for it, for both you and your daughter.

CDfm

You cut contact but still asked your friends about where he is etc and do the text thing.

That is hardly cutting contact as you are obsessing over him.Mentally you are still in the same place as you were.

Hard as it is you have to stop doing what you are doing.

If you do want him back you should tell him and ask to meet up. Not to recriminate but to discuss things and ask how he is. Your texting is hardly about wanting him back itsabout wanting a fight.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

You cut contact but still asked your friends about where he is etc and do the text thing.

That is hardly cutting contact as you are obsessing over him.Mentally you are still in the same place as you were.

Hard as it is you have to stop doing what you are doing.

If you do want him back you should tell him and ask to meet up. Not to recriminate but to discuss things and ask how he is. Your texting is hardly about wanting him back itsabout wanting a fight.

I am not obsessing over him, i just text him a week after he left me to tell him i missed him. i am not the one snapping and starting a fight HE is. I have actually asked him to meet up and talk about things but he just fobs me off. I found out yesterday that he is renting an apartment right beside our office, which he cannot afford, i have offered to help him and sit down with him and go through it, but he wnt. He then asked me would there a chance of us in the future, with him in his own place he feels it would be better? how does that seem better? he lived with us for 2 years, leaves us and sets up on his own, and now wants his cake and eat it. we wernt good enough to live with, where he had all done for him, dinner made, clothes washed, he was spoilt rotten. im sorry but you make it seem like im not trying, I am. So hard.

Taltos

usedandabused wrote: »

I am not obsessing over him.

Good.

usedandabused wrote: »

i just text him a week after he left me to tell him i missed him.

What?

usedandabused wrote: »

I have actually asked him to meet up and talk about things but he just fobs me off.

I mean - WHAT TF???

usedandabused wrote: »

I found out yesterday that he is renting an apartment right beside our office, which he cannot afford,

OK - this is his business and has NOTHING to do with you... Not going to go into how you found out - but why care and SO WHAT if he cannot afford it.

usedandabused wrote: »

i have offered to help him and sit down with him and go through it, but he wnt.

WTF again.... At least he has the cop on to know enough is enough. Seriously OP - you are painting a picture now of you chasing after him - just looking for a morsel or a shred of affection or interaction...

usedandabused wrote: »

He then asked me would there a chance of us in the future, with him in his own place he feels it would be better? how does that seem better?

What do you care what he wants - as above - just smile and walk away. It is over - and over for good. Own place or not he treated you like sh1t - WHY are you still talking to him???

usedandabused wrote: »

im sorry but you make it seem like im not trying, I am. So hard.

You are trying OP - but here's the deal. You will only start to move on when you BREAK ALL CONTACT. No texts, no coffee's, no offers to help him. Just draw a line today and say to yourself - the man I loved is dead and gone to me, all that remains is a cheap copy that just wants to use me and forget about him....

Grieve over what you have lost but let go of this smock.

Squiggler

Taltos is right, and there is another thing to consider.

The man you loved doesn't exist.

Can you really see the man you were in love with in the jerk who treated you like that?

You were in love with an idea of a man, it looked like this guy, but that's where the similarities end. Be grateful that you found out the worst before you had wasted more time with him, or had married him!

The best closure you can get is to delete his phone number from your phone, change the locks on the doors (if he has a key), forget that you ever shared more than the same space and focus on the future, which will be a much better one than you could ever have had with him.

CDfm

usedandabused wrote: »

I i am not the one snapping and starting a fight HE is.

OP I am not having a go and please do not think that I am and blame is part of that as is saying "what if" and negotiating. This comes accross in your posts.

Some counsellors talk about grief in stages and its called the (Elisabeth) Kubler-Ross Model after the lady who identified it and these are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptence.

Now she wrote about death and not everyone agrees with her but it puts words on what you are feeling emotionally and your reactions. Not everyone goes thru all the phases and they do not occur in sequence but you can hop between them. Analysing what has happened is not healthy.

So what I am saying is that emotions are not always rational and what posters are saying is that you havent accepted what has happened yet.

I am not saying that it is fair or that you deserve it but you owe to yourself to try to cope better and I am not making light of your upset because it is a loss and you obviously love the guy. Being a lone parent is lonely and I understand that and meeting someone new is not easy either.

So rather than reacting why not do try to do other things and quiet at least for now. Like read an inspiring book etc. Do nice things for you, your hair, nails , sort your wardrobe out. Ordinary things.

I hope you start feeling happier soon.

Denimgirl

Success is the best revenge!!! quit all contact, start looking hot again and feeling good about yourself! no man in this world is worthall this!what he did to you was the ultimate betrayal!You have one life and only one life! and you have a precious child to take care of! reprogramme yourself to turn your life around! I bet he will come back to you but please don't take him back! he only loves himself!right now you and your child are the most important people in your life not some scumbucket who cheats on you when your in bed!and you will soon realise this!he's a low life!Get rid!!

greengiant09

no offence but reading your posts infuriates me!!!.....you know this guy is a complete waste of space and that you should cut him completely out of your life......you even admit this yourself!!!....and then what do you do???....you start texting him about how you miss him and want to meet up!!!.....i mean get a grip on reality!!

if you don't do what you know is sensible and the right thing to do, then i have absolutely no sympathy for you when he does the exact same thing again in the future.

IrishEyes19

The OP's posts are infuriating to see she has contacted him. But its obvious she cared about this guy, and isn't over it!! Many people don't get over ex's for years and obviously this guy led her on very badly, so give her a break for god sake!!!

OP, I do suggest however you delete him for good. You are torturing yourself over someone who does not deserve the time of day never mind a relationship. I can't emphasise enough that your only hurting from the trust he broke, and the fact that he hurt you. Not from losing the creep, guys who treat us like crap and then have the nerve to end the relationship on their terms, have a sick ability to bring out the worst feelings in ourselves which lead us to berate ourselves thinking we are to blame when in fact theres nothing you could have to make that person change.

OP, for your own peace of mind, if it becomes too much at work, talk to a supervisor to move office or something if bothers you, you dont need the stress.