Another Ex thread...

LegacyUser

I know I will probably get the whole if you trust your oh this wouldn't be an issue spiel but I can honestly stay I have had no issues with trusting my oh up to now.

In bed last night my BF's phone went off with a text, this was after 12 and it woke us both up. We were both surprised and BF said God who'd be texting at this hour. He went to pick up the phone and then put it down without checking saying, I'll read it tomorrow it's too late. I said maybe you should read it,it might be important if someone is texting now.

Then he kind of fobbed me off a bit and I knew something wasn't right, and asked him what was wrong & why didn't he want to read it.

So he picked it up and turned out it was his ex girlfriend. It was clearly a reply to something earlier so I questioned him on it. He had led me to believe they haven't spoken for the past couple of years as she found it too hard to see him someone else (me). He told me she had texted him earlier that day because she'd seen him outside his work place and he replied to be civil and that was it.

Now what has really annoyed me is that he kept this from me & tried to hide the text message from me. It makes me question everything else that he has said and wonder if there is more too it than he says.

I also find it a bit strange that she would wait until so late to send the message. The earlier text ad apparently being during the day. We'd been together all evening after work and he hadn't even looked at the phone in that time. Was she waiting til I time when she was sure we'd be together and I would notice?

Arrgh it's so infuriating. I tought we had an open and honest relationship and now I'm not so sure.

Oryx

He was surprised by the text, and tbh, if he was trying to hide it from you, his phone would have been on silent. Yeah, maybe he shouldnt have been in touch, as it would make you insecure, which is why when he saw her number he tried to hide it? But it could have been as innocent as he makes out.

I think he is being kosher here, and I would say give him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he did tx his ex yesterday out of kindness and good manners, maybe she contacted him as she was having an off day, hence the later out of hours reply to him... She wasnt thinking?

Unless you have other reasons to doubt him, let it go.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

The ex has said she didn't want to be in contact with him as she found it too hard to watch him with someone else i.e. you. So your OH is replying to someone he knows has feelings for him, what a nice little ego boost for him. I have no doubt that she sent it when she knew that you would know about it in order to stir things up. If I were you I would ask the OH to cut contact completely, no replying to anything she says even if it's the offer of a winning lotto ticket. If your OH is more interested in working on your relationship and protecting it than getting an ego boost, then he should have no issue with agreeing to this, especially as he say they have been out of contact for 2 years. I wouldn't be ok with that happening again and I would make that very clear. Ask him if it would ok for you to be in contact with an ex who still has feeling for you. Discuss it with him and be honest that you are not ok with this because it will chip away at your piece of mind if you don't.

Best of luck.

dublingal80

i think i would trust him on this one if this was my bf. His text back to her could have been a compltely, yeah long time no hear, how you keeping, things with me are good, blah blah blah. and the fact you said he wasnt checking his phone when he was out with you shows that he wasnt waiting for a text to come through.

Its a text, god knows why she sent it last night, and because he hadnt heard from her in a while and his text was so casual, he probably thoguht there was no point in telling you because it was nothing.


you say ---- I tought we had an open and honest relationship and now I'm not so sure---- I think that is a very very strong statement to make over a text

LegacyUser

The statement isn't over the text. It's over the fact that he tried to hide it from me.

There have been some issues in the past early on in our relationship where I've caught him checking my phone, I have nothing to hide & have told him that. He can pick up my phone at any time and look at it but he was doing this sneakily.

Now it's making me think was he judging me by his standards, does he have something to hide on his phone so thought I might have on mine.

I don't know but even thought I've decided to let this go it has put doubts in my mind.

LegacyUser

I'm sure if I get this.

His ex texted him, because she saw him on the street.

He replied, and got a text in the middle of the night. Knowing that it was probably her responding, and quite possibly valuing his sleep and seeking to avoid the thousand questions to the next morning, he didn't bother to check it.

The next morning, he checks his phone, tells you what the text was, and brings you up to speed?

I'm not sure why you are questioning his motives to be honest - it seems a perfectly reasonable course of action from him to be honest. Worrying about this kind of thing will make you miserable - there is no upside to it.

LegacyUser

I understand your dilemma very much OP, I've gone through this exact situation myself before. I agree completely with 'keepaneyeout'. Monitor this, but don't let it eat you up or damage your relationship. Just watch for him sending sneaky texts in future and let him know that it's really important he be honest about stuff like this. Sounds like the ex was trying to stir **** by texting that late at night.

What next, will he let you know he met up for lunch with his ex a few days earlier, after you've already found out via some other means.

Things like this might seem small and unimportant but can very quickly escalate into something that will destroy the relationship.

hippy_hi

How long are ye together?

as you know yourself trust and loyalty must be built up and come with time in a relationship so maybe he thought that it is no big deal texting her and not telling you, especially if your relationship is fairly new.

I dont think it is anything to worry about. Did you see the content of the reply message? This might tell more to the story but if it was just simple chit chat i wouldn't worry at all.

Virgil°

I would be inclined to believe your boyfriend.
He replied in a civil manner to one of her texts and decided not to tell you in case it made you uncomfortable.
My gf doesn't really like when i talk about my ex and i did the same thing your boyfriend supposedly did as the 3 messages between myself and the ex was completely innocent and there was nothing worth causing a fuss over.

I wouldn't make an issue of it OP unless you really think theres something quite wrong with the relationship or have noticed odd sneaky behaviour beforehand.

LegacyUser

We're together over 2.5 years so it's not a new relationship.

It was not chit chat. In fact the late night text was verging on hostile. The girl has made things difficult in the past, my bf and I have mutual friends in common and she's created drama's (eg locking herself in the bathroom crying or making others uncomfortable by complaining that it's so hard to see us together) to the point where we've had to leave early and now usually avoid these get togethers altogether. Also on girls nights she's been very hostile to me and tried to encourage others not to talk to me but thankfully none of the others entertain this behaviour. Because of this I would be very annoyed if he were to strike up a friendship with her without even discussing it with me but that's not the main issue.

Bellam3 you don't have it right. when the text arrived the bf went to read it, then either saw or remembered that it may be her and started making excuses not to check it. He was acting suspicious so I questioned him on it which is when he admitted it was her and she'd texted earlier that day.

It was the fact the he made such a big deal out of hiding it from me that is the real issue though.

hippy_hi

OP I feel for you but maybe it is best to let this one die or you'll drive yourself demented. Unless you can see negative changes in your relationship, dont allow her to get into the middle of ye as that is what it sounds like. She sounds more like a drama queen than anything else!

Maybe just ask him has he been talking to her and then have a very short conversation about why you think she is dangerous to be around - dont go on for too long cos he'll stop listening. Sounds like she would like nothing more than to split ye up so dont allow her to get under your skin. She needs to grow up.

LegacyUser

I think u should keep an eye on that one & don't let her know that it's bothering you. Sound like thats exactly what she would want.

Its probably not even about wanting your boyfriend, but about being the centre of attention.

AnonoBoy

So if you think the ex texted deliberately late at night because she knew you'd be there and it would cause friction then why are you letting her succeed by letting this get to you?

Your boyfriend, knowing that an uninvited text late at night would annoy you, attempted to fob you off. That's perfectly understandable - who wants an argument in bed at midnight? Nobody.

She probably texted late because a) she knew it would annoy you or b) she was drunk.

What you're doing is letting a drama queen come between you. Your boyfriend being a civil guy responded to her text earlier and she obviously took this as an excuse to pester him some more.

It's human nature to avoid conflict and, speaking as someone who has been there, it's also human nature to not mention contact from exe's when it means nothing.

If something was going on and he'd been expecting a text he would have had his phone on silent. As it stands he tried to cover it up to avoid an argument - maybe not the smartest thing to do but an understandable spur-of-the-moment reaction.

You know what his ex is like. You've seen her causing drama just to get attention. So why are you letting her get her way again?

CDfm

This is more about you than her OP.

My g/f regularly gets texts from work etc and tbh I have no interest -why -cos I trust her.

A couple of weeks back I got a text from a lady I know and then a call at 5 in the morning. She is a close friend and had split from her boyfriend and needed someone to talk to.

We meet her out socially occasionally - now lots of the stuff she told me was very private and my g/f would not ask me to break a confidence anyway.

So IMHO -if you have a reason not to trust him you should say it but if on the other hand there are things that come up in life that may be a bit private and may relate to either of your pasts or friends or family or even work that are none of my business -sometimes you have to cut some slack.

Thats how we handle it.

It seems to me that you need to have a chat on how to handle delicate situations.

IrishEyes19

to be honest I can see the OP's reason for worrying and I agree that the fact that the ex texted at night and that late suggests she was aware that possibly the would be together and perhaps even initimate, hence breaking that up.

And to be honest, ex's do have a nasty way of creating arguments in relationships, and the OP has already stated that she has created scenes before. So I dont think she is over-reacting at all.

However, your best bet is to let it lie low at first as getting all anxious and angry towards your bf will possibly scare him away or suggest that you are jealous and too clingy when you're simply only worried about his ex. Obviously if this continues you should take the high ground and confront him, but to be honest if she has caused trouble in the past by creating drama and scenes in front of you and your bf, I can only imagine that he finds that very unattractive and embarassing and therefore your relationship of two years and over, should not be affected by her childish ways. best of luck