Issues with my Girlfriends Family

Joey leBlanc

My gf is from a different part of the country to me so every 2nd/3rd week we go down there for the w/end. I get on well with them all but I have a few problems relating to them.
There is usually a big family get together (drinks etc) every time we visit but I sorta feel a bit out of the loop after awhile coz the conversation usually revolves around local issues & as I am not from "round the area" & cannot participate fully in the discussion.
At first I thought, well Im new to the group things will change but a few yrs down the line the situation remains the same & sometimes someone in the group will say to me "your a bit quiet tonite". This immediately gets my back up as if I come out with a big rant about how their topics of conversation isolates me I feel I will look a bit of a paranoid freak so I opt for the Fr. Stone reply of "I'm fine thanks".
It seems some of my gf's sisters boyfriends have noticed by quietness round the table & have occasionally thrown the odd smart comment my way. Which I foolishly have ignored. I know if I had one of my friend's round or felt comfortable in their company I would tell them exactly where to get off. I recall when I last changed my car one of em said to me "nice car.... a last desparate to stop X leavin ya". It really annoys me coz in all other situation in my life I am a confident, outgoing, likeable person. Its as if Im in a parallel universe when I visit their place. Recently, with the last 6mths or so , outta nowhere Ive started to feel embarrased when during a lull in the conversation with these ppl someone asks me a question & I feel myself going red from the toes up. I don't know why all this only occurs around them. Its the first time this has ever happened in my social life & Im really peed off with it.
Any advice/thoughts??

Beruthiel

IMO you've turned a molehill into a mountain in your head.
You know these people a long time now yet you have not allowed yourself to relax in their company.
Consider them as you would your own friends and reply in the same way.
They have tried to include you in their conversation as best they can.
Just a tad more confidence on your part is required.

LegacyUser

op, i hear ya, that parallel universe comment is exactly how i feel! i've been with my fella nearly 3 years now, and we've been engaged for 6 months. we live quite close to his family so we'd see them at least once a week and honestly, if you gave them all a pop quiz about me they'd be hard pushed to answer any questions. why? because all they do is talk about themselves, people i don't know, gossip and b*tch about things going on in the area (i'm a blow in here, something they spend a lot of time pointing out).

a lot of time i just find myself staring into space as they don't bother including me in any way. i went through an awful time when i first moved here, we fought about how they were treating me, how rude i felt they were, but now i've just accepted that they don't have any conversational skills, like, they're not able to include someone into a conversation. ''oh mary up the road has a new car, where'd she get the money for that, oh x, how is your car going since you got the new tyres on it?'' it's not that hard when you see it written down is it?! but these people just don't have that skill. i'll try to start a conversation everyone can join in on, like something on the news or whatever, but they just change the subject back to themselves. my fella tries and tries and tries to include me in front of them, to lead them along by example so to speak, but they just change the subject back to themselves. so now i've accepted that they're just not interested in me. they like me, they're happy he's marrying me, it's just that they're genuinely more interested in the sound of their own voices than getting to know me any deeper than they do.

they don't sound as rude as your other half's friends though. for someone to say that about your new car is just rude. have you spoken to your gf about it? what does she think? does she see how uncomfortable they're making you? i think she definitely needs to know about the car comment anyway. that's just not on and i'd be raging if someone in my fella's circle said something like that to me.

Joey leBlanc

theydon'tknowme wrote: »

it's just that they're genuinely more interested in the sound of their own voices than getting to know me any deeper than they do.

Sums up my situation perfectly!! As you point out if u are not from the area it's impossible to join in or relate to the conversation. My gf's family her sisters & their boyfriends are all from the same town (small town!), grew up there, live there, commute from work from there & in all probability will remain their for the rest of their lives. In an ideal world if a few of the boyfriends were not from the area things would be much different.
It's all a bit bewildering for me as all my life I've mixed really well with ppl (school, college, work etc) & have a broad range of friends, ppl who accept others instantly & make the effort. To go from that to a virtual closed community where small town attitudes rule is a shock to the system. Why do I do it I hear u ask? A: For my gf! It's pointless me saying anything to her as I "know" she won't undersatnd, throw a strop & more than likely say it to one of her sisters which will only inflame the situation more & give anyone of them who dosent like me the pefect opportunity to undermine me.

LegacyUser

I could've written this post myself.

I experience the same thing every second weekend with my bf. I think it's impossible for others to understand this situation unless they've been in it. I come from a town and my bf is from down the country in a rural region and I've come to the point where the last several planned visits, I've made excuses and got out of it, my bf just assumes I don't like his family (we have tried to talk about it but he just doesn't understand what my problem is and it only causes arguments) but that's not the case, it's just that I feel if they liked me they'd make more effort to include me but sitting listening to how Jimmy Joe up the road bought two cows more than Mary G and how he only did it to get one up on her is NOT my idea of interesting, it's downright rude to make someone feel isolated by discussing local topics they can never be a part of.
Maybe it's a country house/farmers' way of talking, and just something I can never be a part of, but I think it will have a very bad effect on our relationship if I can't find a way to work around this as I'm no longer part of my bf's weekend life and he has to go home at weekends as he helps his family with the farm, and I just can't keep putting myself through sitting there feeling uncomfortable and upset.

Like you OP, I'm extremely outgoing and happy and include everyone in my home environment and have now become the person that always seems to be low/in a mood/unhappy when I visit his family. I also have the issue of all of my bf's siblings being involved in relationships locally and they're just as rude as the older folks, they make no effort to include me in their topics or ask about my life.

Would love to hear from someone who's gone through similar and managed to survive it, get married, settle down near their other half's family without feeling awkward/out of place forever. I've never in my life felt out of place and isolated before so this really is a first for me.