Problems at Work

LegacyUser

It's easier to be unreg for this...

How do you deal with the "curious" in a work scenario? Like seriously, I'm really looking for some advice I work for a large-ish Irish multinational and I'm on secondment in London. Since March my main -absolutely in charge of my division and potentially career influencing- boss has been trying to get me to be her gay fling.

First of all I'm not deluded/stuck in a pool of wishful thinking. I've never had any involvement with anyone I've worked with, so I don't have a reputation. The boss in question is married and recently announced her third pregnancy to the whole office. Honestly when I started in London I was probably too excited about working for this particular woman, she's pretty well known in her field, and she obviously noted this.

At first I thought all of this was hilarious and genuinely thought that she was joking/doing that weird thing where straight people try to show you that they know you are a giant homosexy person and are cool with it but go way too far. Now it is August and she has made it perfectly clear on several occasions that she wants to engage in a physical "relationship" with me. I have stated every time that I have no wish for this to happen. Some of my peers in the company are now aware of the situation and want me to do something about it. I'm typing this at half eleven because I was awoken by her calling me on my personal phone looking to "meet up"

What am I going to do? This person is very influential in the area I'm interested in making my career so I don't want to do anything rash. I'm not worried about being outed, I'm perfectly comfortable with being gay. I just don't want to ruin my career before it even starts. At this stage I'm afraid that word will get back to my bosses in Ireland and I'll get a reputation for nothing! Has anyone dealt with this?

LegacyUser

Hi O.p. Worst case scenario she gets annoyed because you have spurned her advances and decides to make life difficult for you. Definitely report the sexual harassment to h.r. so that they can have a record of it in case something does happen in the future that threatens your job. It doesn't matter who she is this is unacceptable work place behaviour.

gmale

I have never been in this situation and would hope to god that I never end up in it. Tricky.

I will say that integrity counts for a lot in the world. But integrity does not pay the bills. Considering that other people are now aware of the situation I would avoid all physical contact with the person, you dont want to be known as the person that slept their way to the top. But flirting as a means to an end, keep her happy but dont go any further, may be a way out.

deirdre_dub

You being awoken to take such a phone call from her is not on IMNSHO. Which is why I wonder if the words "sexual harassment" are appropriate to describe this situation? Maybe you might like to (discreetly!) find out what the company policy towards sexual harassment is?

Also, keep records. Record the time and date of all phone calls, what was said, all emails, and all conversations that you found troublesome. Keep those records safe - hopefully you will never need them. But if you do, they will be worth their weight in gold.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for all the replies.

Would this be considered sexual harassment? I don't feel like my personal space is being invaded, she's not really a touchyfeely person. I've emails and texts which are fairly explicit - my workmates spied a text on my phone and that's how they found out. Also, it's definitely not incessant. We work fairly closely and it could not come up for days/weeks on end and then it comes to the surface again.

Plek Trum

Hhhhmm.. definately case of harrassment. Let's reverse some of the roles here and see what the immediate reaction would be. A male boss to a female junior.. there would be almighty outrage!

As you have been doing, be very clear and concise in your answers. Don't flirt and don't entertain sexual banter. Keep a record of all calls, emails, conversations and if you have any hard proof (txts, notes etc) keep them too.

Just because you are both female doesn't mean it 'doesn't count' or matter as much. You deserve the same respect in your workplace as anyother employee. You certainly don't need to be the boss's 'plaything' or challenge.

HR are there to protect and advise you. If you are worried and concerned then have a chat with them. Best of luck!

CdeC

+1 on the keeping track of all correspondance. Save messages etc.
But just decline her advances politely, she will eventually get bored of it and if she decides to use it against you you can pull out all the evidence.

Dwn Wth Vwls

I honestly don't know what the right approach to take is, but you might consider the alternative. Tell her that it's upsetting you, and you're freaking out that she's your boss, and that you're not comfortable with any of it. If she realises what she's doing to you, she may snap out of it and realise she's being really inconsiderate. At the moment she may be under the impression that it's no big deal to you. Basically go to her with a sob story that she is the cause of. If she has any empathy at all she should cop on.

gmale

As she is pregnant her persistance may come to a natural conclusion anyways so if you are not comfortable doing anything and you can bare a few more weeks/months.

Good advice on keeping records of everything, phonecalls, emails, texts and even conversations (date, time, location and what was discussed as well as any comments made by her).

Annasopra

Yes this is clearly a case of sexual harassment - I think you should tell her that you don't find her behaviour acceptable, that you found the phone call intrusive and that your colleagues have found out and want you to report her for sexual harassment, that you don't want to do this but if her behaviour continues you'll have no option

Annasopra

Yes this is clearly a case of sexual harassment

LegacyUser

I thought I replied earlier, sorry for the delay.

Thanks for all the replies! I've kept all the emails and texts I've received from her. As gmale said I'm holding onto the hope that she might leave me alone now that everyone knows she's pregnant. My colleagues have said the same as plektrum with regards to the gender reversal issue and I do agree completely, it is just very hard though. No one has ever witnessed her advances in person, I've just showed my colleagues the emails and stuff.

If I'm being honest I'm a bit afraid of approaching HR about this and crying sexual harassment because on the outset of it people would probably assume I would be making the advances - I'm the gay and we go for anyone of course, and she is a well respected manager who is significantly more dainty than I am (I'm quite tall, about a foot taller than her). I quite like the advice about going with a sobstory, but again I'm not sure she'd buy it based on physical stereotypes. Blah. Appreciate all the responses.

Plek Trum

Maybe have a google of sexual harrassment in the workplace and a read - might help to clarify things for you. Here's one definition I found:

What is sexual harassment?

Sexual harassment is a form of sex discrimination.The legal definition of sexual harassment is “unwelcome verbal, visual, or physical conduct of a sexual nature that is severe or pervasive and affects working conditions or creates a hostile work environment.”

Unwelcome



Conduct is not sexual harassment if it is welcome.For this reason, it is important to communicate (either verbally, in writing, or by your own actions) to the harasser that the conduct makes you uncomfortable and that you want it to stop.

Conduct Of A Sexual Nature

Many different kinds of conduct—verbal, visual or physical—that is of a sexual nature may be sexual harassment, if the behavior is unwelcome and if it is severe or pervasive. Here are some more examples:

Verbal or written: Comments about clothing, personal behavior, or a person’s body; sexual or sex-based jokes; requesting sexual favors or repeatedly asking a person out; sexual innuendoes; telling rumors about a person’s personal or sexual life; threatening a person

Physical: Assault; impeding or blocking movement; inappropriate touching of a person or a person’s clothing; kissing, hugging, patting, stroking

Nonverbal: Looking up and down a person’s body; derogatory gestures or facial expressions of a sexual nature; following a person

Visual: Posters, drawings, pictures, screensavers or emails of a sexual nature

If you have shared the emails / txts with your colleagues then I suggest you have an 'of the record' chat with someone you can trust in HR. It doesn't have to be an official complaint but you can take the angle that you are unsure how to best handle it and don't want any repercussions in the future. It's the job of HR to help and advise.. be sure to use them!

Best of luck, its a tricky situation but you have a right to be respected. The fact you felt the need to post here for advice show's it IS a problem for you and it is one that is unacceptable.

Don't try to reason it or make light of it. You may be okay to a degree with it now, but what happens if a disgruntled colleague feels hard done by if you are promoted? What happens if you have been overlooked for a position that you feel you should have received?

It's probably best to have a casual chat with HR and ask their advice. Best of luck, x

Beruthiel

Talk to HR. Tell them for now, you just want it on the record and see if they can give any advice.
Start keeping a diary of every single event that occurs.

Continue to tell this woman that you love working there and that mixing business with pleasure would result in complications you would rather avoid. Explain that you have a strict rule of never getting involved with someone you work with.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote: »

Talk to HR. Tell them for now, you just want it on the record and see if they can give any advice.
Start keeping a diary of every single event that occurs.

Continue to tell this woman that you love working there and that mixing business with pleasure would result in complications you would rather avoid. Explain that you have a strict rule of never getting involved with someone you work with.

A H.R. department would not just keep something like this on the record. They are required to take action before a situation escalates. Talk to the woman tell her that emails, phone calls, conversations of a sexual nature are making you uncomfortable and you would like to keep things professional. If that doesn't work then go to h.r.

dreamer_ire

You need to cover all your bases on this. Talk to HR and tell them you are recieving unwanted attention from a senior member of staff. Tell them you do not want to make a formal complaint but you want advice on how to approach it. Do not tell them who it is but do tell them you have evidence of unwanted and persistent messages. The last poster is right, they are required to act on your complaint so if you don't name her you will effectively tie their hands for now.

Secondly (and this is likely to be the advice they give you) speak to her and tell her that while it's flattering you are not interested in a relationship, casual or otherwise, with her. She's either unintentionally or intentionally harassing you. If it's unintentional and you explain how it's made you feel she will stop, and will probably be very embarrassed. If it's not, you have a bigger problem on your hands.

Document everything, keep the texts and emails. At no stage would I advise you to flirt with her as a previous poster suggested, you'll send mixed messages to her and bear in mind that if you cannot get her to stop you should consider formally reporting her. It won't help if she can produce witnesses who saw they say you flirting with her.

I see where you are coming from in terms of not being believed, esp if she's pregnant and "clearly straight". That said, any multinational worth it's salt will be able to deal with this for you. Do remember that you have done nothing wrong.

Good luck OP and let us know how you get on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. Much appreciated.

So to update, I approached HR on Friday and basically lodged a complaint yesterday morning...I'm the 3rd person in a team of just 9 to lodge a sexual harassment complaint against this woman. I'm back in Ireland for the day and had a brief chat about the situation with a coworker from Dublin and he laughed and mentioned stuff he had heard about this lady before so...

Overall I feel quite relieved. After I chatted to HR (who were pretty insistent that I complain formally immediately and were miffed when I didn't, but were helpful) I decided to have a think about it. Arrived home on Friday evening to a litany of texts and emails from my boss about how I was "teasing" her with my clothing. It pushed me over the edge and really upset me so I went for the complaint.

Overall I'm not really that much happier because I'm not sure where this will go but I am relieved somewhat. Thanks for all the replies again, they were really helpful.

Annasopra

I know its not a great situation at all but HR seem to be supporting you so I think it will work out well in the end

Sir Ophiuchus

Fair play on making the complaint and putting a stop to this harassment. Also, you can see how it's very unlikely you'll have any sort of reputation around it now it's known there have been other complaints against her in the past.

Probably the best resolution you could have hoped for.

dreamer_ire

Well done OP, that's good news. Do make sure you mind yourself over the coming weeks cos it's never easy following through on any complaint.

Well done again