Should I end it?

LegacyUser

I've been with my OH about 3 years now, we're both mid twenties.
I love him with all my heart, so much that i couldn't bear to hurt him.
He loves me so much, and tells me all the time how lucky he is, but I'm afraid I'm not as sure about the relationship long term.

I get along ok with his family and friends, but if i'm honest, I wouldnt choose to be in their company at all if it weren't for him. My family are very different, and i'm not used to how they go on, (living in each others pockets etc...)

He's so sure that this is it for us, and we're that we'll get engaged, buy a house etc..but that scares the life out of me..i had a dream that we were getting married and I woke up in a sweat.

Will i get over this, because when i think about ending it with him i know i couldn't hurt him like that, to him and to the outside world we have the perfect relationship, so in love.

I'm losing sleep over this, as i don't want to wake up in 7 years and realise i'm miserable..but how do i shatter my best friend's world and live with myself? I don't even know if i could be without him, i'm just not as sure as i was..

Is it normal to feel like this in a happy relationship?

Sorry for the ramble..if anyone has any similar experiences or advice, i'd be so grateful..

oscar22

The question you need to ask yourself is
Are 'You' happy in this relationship?
If it's just the case of him going on about the future, just tell him relax on all that stuff. 2 much of that carry on can b scary.

Most people don't get on with family members or friends of OH. I think that's pretty normal. I won't pick my OH friends or family over mine. But i don't think he'd pick mine either.U actually don't have to b around all the time, just make other plans.

Only you will know if you want to b with this person.
Ur having these feelings for a reason. Has anything changed since you've been having these feelings? If you do break up with him he will be hurt and there is nothing you can do about that. It's just a fact of life. He will get over it tho.

Exclamation Marc

Staytogether? wrote: »

I've been with my OH about 3 years now, we're both mid twenties.
I love him with all my heart, so much that i couldn't bear to hurt him.
He loves me so much, and tells me all the time how lucky he is, but I'm afraid I'm not as sure about the relationship long term.

I get along ok with his family and friends, but if i'm honest, I wouldnt choose to be in their company at all if it weren't for him. My family are very different, and i'm not used to how they go on, (living in each others pockets etc...)

He's so sure that this is it for us, and we're that we'll get engaged, buy a house etc..but that scares the life out of me..i had a dream that we were getting married and I woke up in a sweat.

Will i get over this, because when i think about ending it with him i know i couldn't hurt him like that, to him and to the outside world we have the perfect relationship, so in love.

I'm losing sleep over this, as i don't want to wake up in 7 years and realise i'm miserable..but how do i shatter my best friend's world and live with myself? I don't even know if i could be without him, i'm just not as sure as i was..

Is it normal to feel like this in a happy relationship?

Sorry for the ramble..if anyone has any similar experiences or advice, i'd be so grateful..

Well firstly, it's great that you care so much about your OH feelings but at the end of the day, in a very simplistic sense, you should live your life to the happiest extent for you, and not just exist making someone else happy if you are miserable.

Maybe you will end up together and deep down you could want that, but you're just incredibly spooked about the finalist nature of how he's describing your relationship. It's possible to be incredibly in love with him but just terrified to the teeth of committing right now to being with him forever, that talking about it is really putting you off the idea. I'd love to end up with my current gf, but I know if we started talking about engagement etc it'd spook the bejesus out of me.

Maybe you need to take your relationship down a notch, not in a "love each other less way", but less about the future and more about now. Talk to your other half, tell him you're crazy about him but that all the talk about the future is making you uncomfortable. Because it sounds like you're completely spooked by the talk of committing to marriage, committing to buying a house etc etc, which is completely natural.

If you can bring the relationship back a step, and cut out all the future talk and commitment talk and the like, and you still feel the same in a couple of weeks, then you'll know the relationship isn't working for you.

On the friends and family thing, I wouldn't be worried at all. I can't stand some of my gf's friends, a lot of them are pathetic, and she although I like her family, they're polar opposite of my family, so I wouldnt worry about that.

Hope this helps OP.

LegacyUser

The exact same thing happened with me, except I was on the other side. Had the perfect long term relationship, no problems at all, were ridiculously happy together. Then the guy just suddenly got freaked out about his future and what he was ultimately doing with his life (he's bit older than me). It's hard to break up when there is so much going for the relationship- you almost feel like someone needs to have cheated or something similar to have an 'excuse' for finishing it. All i can say is, you will ultimately be doing him a favour. I know it will hurt him- and it will- but in the long run, he will have the chance to do the things that you may've inadvertently been stopping him from doing (long term relationship, tend to settle down a bit). I certainly didn't want to stay in a relationship where someone wasn't 100%. You're both young- if this is what you decide you need to do, then it's the best ultimately for both of you.

Orla FitzP

I was the same i didnt break up with him, were still together 7 yrs later. im not happy i wish i broke up but now i live a lie. Do it ONCE u start having doubts then u need to vioce them, i stayed with him for the wrong reasons and now i feel trapped like theres no way to get out no. both our families think that were like already married.... if i broke up now it would be like breaking up with the entire family.

theres good days and bads days yes and its not like hes horrible hes a nice guy i just dont love himlike i know i should and like i did.

DanGlee

Same here, happened to me last week after a 5 year relationship. She just told me she didn't love me any more, we were in the middle of organising a wedding and everything, only thing is we have a child together, so now its really complicated, she can't just walk away and neither can I, we will have to see each other for many years to come.
Its heart breaking and I'm a complete mess at the moment as I'm in the UK and my son is in Ireland and I have to arrange getting back over there to be around him growing up, but I'll have to see her and I love her so much. I just wish I know what it was that I did wrong to make her stop loving me because she seemed genuinely happy and we have a beautiful son, basically a family minus the piece of paper that says it.
Its very tough to be on the receiving end of that kind of blow... think long and hard before you go breaking hearts and turning lives upside down, I know you have to be happy, but your going to tear this man apart if he's anything like me! I've cried myself to sleep all week nearly and I'm a 32 year old man!

I hope everything works out for you, I honestly do!

Taltos

OP - I too was on the other side of this.
The difference being that my now wife told me all of this - let me know how she was feeling. I think that help her.

But it did mean we had to go through some real soul-searching to see a) if we both really wanted to be with each other & b) what compromises we could both make for each of us to be happy.

You have to communicate with him - but you also need to know what it is you want and don't ever let anyone try to convince you otherwise or it will get better magically. Things could improve - but it will take joint effort.

As some of the others have said - don't do nothing out of fear of hurting him. Just imagine how much worse that pain will be if you wait and it all spills out in years to come.

Best of luck.

saywhatyouwish

I'm in a very similar situation, in a few days I am due to move in with my OH for the next college year. We were living in the same house last year but had our own rooms. With the last few months I have been thinking about my future and I am not sure I see a future for us together.
I know if I break up with him I will hurt him so much as he says how much he loves me etc all the time. Sometimes I feel the same, like when we are out together (not alcohol influenced) for dinner or out to see a movie etc. He has become my best friend but I'm not attracted to him anymore.
To everyone our relationship seems perfect and I keep feeling like I need an excuse to break up because he is a very good boyfriend.
I know many people might just say "you are still young" etc. as I am a third year uni student, but I will cause such a mess right now if we split up.
I would have to tell the new landlord I cannot afford the rent by myself and find somewhere else losing my deposit, my OH would have to find acommodation and he lives too far away from college to commute, we have the same friends who do not suspect anything and after all of that, what if I regret my decision?

Taltos

Staying with someone because it would be too messy is all wrong.
it is not fair on you or them....

Sometimes you just have to end it.
Ride the rough period that follows and finally start living again.

Moomoo1

sunflower27 wrote: »

People dont just break up on a whim.

hmmmmmmmmm.... contentious. Not sure I agree.

OP (and others) you need to tell your OH how you feel. Too often people just hold it within themselves and then the breaking point comes further down the line.

Orla FitzP

[QUOTE, we have the same friends who do not suspect anything and after all of that, what if I regret my decision?[/QUOTE]

Mutual friends and rent should be the least of the worries,
but i know mutual friends would be picking sides and thats not good???
Im gonna have the conversation, u know are u happy?? im not really etc and see where it goes, im open minded about it. i dont want to throw away 7 years but im nots staying together for the sake. hello crossroads!!!!

WesternNight

If you think about ending it and your reason for not is that you don't want to hurt him, then end it.

If you're not happy, for whatever reason, then you're going to make him miserable in the long run if you stay.

Even if you don't know why you're not happy, but you know that it's not right, then you owe it to you and to him to be honest about that.

Hearts will break, but in the end if you're not happy he won't be either...and hearts mend.