Cutting the Ex Out, No Contact

newtothis2010

First off mods, apologies if this ain't allowed.. I've read rules and charters and believe it should be ok, but feel free to remove, just thought it might be useful to some users here.

I was a user of a US based forum on breakups back in 2009 when I first 'googled' "how do I get over her.."... its a similar site with users posting problems and gaining the advice and insights of others, like our great community here. Some of you may be familiar with it..

One recurring theme in this forum I've noticed is problems with an ex, people wanting to pull away from their ex, people who continue destructive friendships with their ex, people who just don't know how to move on. Absolutely there are other issues, but being a Relationship forum the age old statement of 'my ex is.....' or 'I want to get out but now sure how...' comes up..

Well I was that poster too, and it took me an AGE to get through it, but by using the forum I did, I found there was one user, CaliGuy who pulled together a thread on how to implement and enforce this No Contact thing... I lived by it and it helped, I never realised it could be considered a process, yes its all common sense and is given here in various formats through every 'breakup' related post, but he presents it in a one page effective Q&A session...

I've PM'd Caliguy on the forum and he has agreed that I can repost his work here (with some VERY minor edits) as he experienced the pain and heartache first hand. (again, Mods, I can get you that permission if required)

And so, here it is...

THE GUIDE TO NO CONTACT:

Q. What is no contact (NC).
A. No contact is just that. It's breaking all ties to your ex.

Q. What is no contact for?
A. No contact is meant as the quickest means for you to heal.

Q. If I implement NC will I get my ex back?
A. Probably not, but that's not what NC is meant for. Yes, absence makes the heart grow fonder, but if you're banking on NC as a way to manipulate your ex back into your life you are in for a rude awakening.

Q. What should I be doing to implement NC?
A. Absolutely cutting all ties to your ex. That means no calls, emails, text/sms, IM's - nothing. You need to vanish completely from their life and in the process, make them disappear from yours. In addition, get rid of their phone number, emails and email address, remove all the pictures/photos/memories/gifts. Anything that reminds you of the ex should be boxed up and put in a safe place out of daily view and easy reach.

Q. What should I be doing during NC?
A. First off, allow the grieving process to happen naturally. You need to grieve a loss, but don't dwell on it. Hang out with your friends, immerse yourself in a new hobby and start working out. Working out is especially useful because not only does it release endorphins which help make you feel better but you'll start looking your best which will help you attract someone new. If you need Counseling, by all means go.

Q. I don't want to implement NC because I don't want to lose him/her.
A. Unfortunately you already have. Clinging on to them or the hope you'll get them back will only keep you down longer. Additionally, the natural reaction of any Ex when you cling on to them is for them to literally spring in the other direction. If you do have any chance of a reconciliation, your best bet is to leave them alone and forget about them.

Q. My ex wants to be friends, is this a good idea?
A. No, not if you are still in love with them. For the most part Ex's will keep you as a friend so they have a 'back up plan' in case things fail with the new love of their life. Ask yourself if you're happy being #2 in someone's life. If so, more power to you. But if you respect yourself and have healthy self-esteem you'll never settle for being left hanging on a string. All it will do is keep you clinging to the false hope of getting back with your ex, keep you down in the dumps much longer than you should be and ruin any chance you have of meeting someone new. So hey, if you want to be miserable, go ahead and be good buddies with your ex.

Q. I can't resist the urge to contact my ex! What should I do??
A. If you've deleted all their contact info yet still remember how to reach them, call a friend instead. Go work out. Take a bike ride. Go for a jog. Do something to occupy your mind. Get out, don't sit around the house pining for your Ex. Rest assured they are not sitting around with their new love wondering why you aren't calling them.

Q. How long should I wait to contact my ex.
A. Never be the first to contact your ex. If you need something back, ask a friend to go get it for you. If you have kids together, NC is almost impossible. The best thing to do is keep whatever contact you must have to a minimum. Don't argue with them, don't ask for a second chance, don't beg them to take you back. Just be very polite and business-like. You thank yourself later for being the bigger person. Additionally the best way to make someone see they're being an a**hole is to not be one in retaliation. Let them vent and just be quiet. Sooner, rather than later, it'll hit them that they're being absolutely childish and you'll come out smelling like a rose.

Q. I've been on NC for some time and my Ex just contacted me, what do I do?
A. The question is why are they contacting you? If it's just to get something back, box up their stuff and have a friend give it to them. No need to reply. No matter what, don't contact them back right away. Don't answer if they call. Show them you have a life and you don't need them in it. Yes, it's kind of a game but a necessary evil. I know a lot of people might disagree with me on this, but I'm a skeptic. I want to know why the ex is contacting me. If they are having doubts, they will make it clear. If you respond to them, be sure to take a day or two to do so. This will give you time to think clearly about what you want to say. When you reply, make sure that it's polite and to the point. Don't make any small talk. Don't bring up the past (big no no). Don't volunteer any information about yourself. Be the first to end the conversation. Do be happy, do smile inside (CBT) and know that you'll be fine. Trust me, if your ex wants you back nothing will stop them from getting in touch with you. And this is ideally what you want. You want them to initiate the contact because it will be their heart that has changed.

Q. What happens if I break NC?
A. You'll end up right back to square one and have to start all over. Don't believe me? Read through some of the 'I broke NC' threads. Trust me, while you are on NC with them and they are with someone else, you don't want to know how they are doing. You don't want to hear how happy they are, you can't handle what they have to say.

Q. What if I see them in public?
A. Bottom line, avoid contact with them at all cost. If you can't, just be polite and smile and wave if they wave at you. If they want to talk, remember the rule. No small talk, no information. You're doing great without them, even if you aren't.

Q. What if my Ex never contacts me?
A. Then it was never meant to be. Consider yourself lucky and smart enough to realize the sooner you implemented NC and got on with your life the sooner you can meet the right person for you. That's really what this whole no contact deal is all about.

Realize that none of us are immune to heartbreak. Consider each relationship as a lesson life teaches us that we carry on to the next relationship. What doesn't kill you will only make you stronger. That's what NC does. It allows you to reflect on your past mistakes and grow as a person. Each time you fail in a relationship you gain invaluable knowledge that will aid you in the next.

Men say women are like buses, there is always another one coming around the corner. It's the same for women too. There will be someone else, I guarantee you that. The sooner you cut ties with the ex, healed yourself up, improved where you can and have imbedded the lessons of your past the better off you'll be for someone else.

Above all, never tell yourself "I'm not good enough, no one loves me, blah blah blah." That's a self-defeatist attitude and kills your confidence and self-esteem. You are plenty good enough and someone will love you. You just have to be happy with who you are. Be the best you you can be.

Every step forward you make is one step closer to meeting the person of your dreams. It will likely happen as soon as you have decided you respect yourself enough to take back your personal power. The power you give to your Ex every moment you spend thinking about them, wishing they would call or clinging on to them. Take back control of your life by vowing to move on. To accept what has happened. To let go compeltely.

To be free to love again.

I hope it helps those who are experiencing the pain of breakups or the confusion over letting an ex go.... I know it did for me...