She's still in the honeymoon period after a year

LegacyUser

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=66966338

^ Previous thread

me from previous thread wrote:

I love her, she's my best friend too and we've already spoken about a future together, etc. but I'm having doubts now.

Here's the deal -

We probably haven't spent more than 2 days away from each other. When there's the odd chance I can't meet up, she suddenly becomes sad or annoyed but says she's tired, or she wants a hug, etc. etc.

She always likes to be right, too. She's not obnoxious nor cocky, but if we ever share opinions on something (like which bus to get, when or where to meet up, etc.), she usually thinks that she has the best opinion or it's somehow best because her dad or mother recommended it. If we do the opposite of what she likes, she's sad or annoyed. I'm just getting tired of it!

I do try my best, too. Not once have I ever done her wrong intentionally and I never do anything to hurt her. I'm always there for her, to do a favour, go with her to a party, be there for her when it's the time of the month, hold doors open, be polite, etc. etc. when sometimes she does nothing for me. Sometimes she makes up excuses to not do things for me - like she's having dinner, she feels sick, she's tired, etc. etc. Carefully timed eh?

If I ever become annoyed or sad at her then, she retaliates with the same treatment until I am forced to act happy again. Emotional blackmail isn't nice!

I know you're probably thinking I sound very selfish at the moment but if you were me, you'd feel just as how I feel right now!

What can I do? I can't talk to her as she is emotionally volatile when I mention something about our relationship changing. Am I in this too far?

Things were going better for a while, but we never had the talk yet. She recently went away for a week to the Maldives and we would text, etc. and I was looking forward to her coming back because I was under the impression that things would be perfect again. She came back two weeks ago and, the first day or two was fine but after that, I remembered why I was so sad in the first place. I should be the happiest guy on earth atm, just got a good LC result and am heading to college soon but to be honest, I'm not a bit excited - this is just weighing down on me.

Every day since she's been back she's asked me to meet up every day since. Early texts, too. It'll be at 11am and she'll ask to meet up for the day, completely throwing away any plans I could have made. If I have some prior engagement now, I have to give her 2 days notice because she's already asked me to meet her the following day. It's so bad now that I am losing out on friends - I don't get asked to go out anymore because they all think I'm some kind of introvert who won't socialise but all I want to do is have the craic I used to have a year ago with buddies without having to worry about other things.


She's still in this honeymoon period common in early relationships but, I'm not. We're a year going out now and I feel like such an asshole for wanting something better or things to change yet, don't have the balls to actually do anything about it :S

I feel like if we call it a day, then everything around me will collapse. My family loves her and hers loves me, we share friends now, etc.


What should I do guys? I still love her but I'm being smothered and feeling inadequate

LegacyUser

OP here, I forgot to add that she keeps telling me she's looking forward to our future - kids, etc. I wanted it too but now it's just concerning me if we'll even make it that far and what she'll ever do if it doesn't happen

Zeouterlimits

Just talk to her, if you value the relationship (as you seem to) and respect her then be forthright and honest.
Explain to her that such a relationship and lifestyle is un-maintable. She means the world to you, but need your own time to.
If she's reasonable and level-headed she'll see where she has been too controlling of your time.

LegacyUser

Zeouterlimits wrote: »

Just talk to her, if you value the relationship (as you seem to) and respect her then be forthright and honest.
Explain to her that such a relationship and lifestyle is un-maintable. She means the world to you, but need your own time to.
If she's reasonable and level-headed she'll see where she has been too controlling of your time.

I'm afraid she might be the kinda girl that will cry all day long if I did that :S

fakeaccent

Let her cry then OP. Just because she is in a relationship with you doesn't entitle her to monopolise your time. You are still an individual with friends and hobbies and you still have the right to your own space. She needs to realise that a person does not give these things up when they start a relationship. You share your time with another person - you don't hand it over.

Have a proper conversation with her about it and lay your cards on the table about how you feel. If she cries, just let her. Don't let her tears get in the way of what you are trying to tell her.

If she doesn't change her ways, and keeps crying, which sounds like blatant emotional blackmail to me, I think you should consider whether she is the girl for you. You say you just did your LC, you are at an age where you need to be able to have space and enjoy yourself without your girlfriend making you feel guilty for doing so.

trio

Wait, you've just done your Leaving and she's talking about kids? No wonder you feel smothered!

I'm a girl and I've never done this to a boy. It's not really typical girl behaviour. This is something specific to your girlfriend.

Possibly she thinks this is the way relationships are supposed to be. I once went out with a guy who thought he had to ring me every day for at least half an hour. (I saw him at the weekends and once during the week on average). Trouble is, I had nothing to say to him! Not that much was happening! It started driving me nuts. I'd dread his calls - trying to think of something that had happened to talk about.

It didn't last - but I always wondered where he had picked up this "rule" from. Sounds like your gf has picked up a rule or two along the way also. But she's wrong!

One of the biggest killers of relationships is smothering. Claustrophobia. You end up resenting the person, and having no life outside them.

I know she'll cry, but you are right. You don't have to end it - at least there's no reason to. Bear in mind that she will see it as a rejection, and you have to tell her that it is not - that you are not siamese twins but you're starting to feel that way.

And then you'll have to agree on a schedule cos she'll understandably be lost, not knowing how much is too much and that'll wreck her head. So you could say every second day, or even tues and thurs and most of the weekends or something.

But nothing will happen unless you have the talk.

Another thing - don't start off your adult life thinking "I can't say anything in case she cries". Girls cry - it's what we do. I have a little cry whenever myself and Himself have to have a talk like that - it's not easy to hear you've been doing something that pisses off the person you love. But I always feel tons better afterwards when we're back on the same page again.

LegacyUser

It takes two to tango, I was up for all this before but it's only hitting me now. Do I want to spend my life with her if she'll be like this throughout it? It's getting me down

Cheap Thrills!

Hold on, you've just got your LC results and you're worrying about whether to spend your life with a girl you are letting walk over you?

You're too young to be so serious. Really.

You sound decent and sensitive and you've quite rightly noticed your relationship is not a two way street. You said it yourself, you haven't the balls! Ok, that's understandable. Standing up for yourself in a nice way is never a comfortable thing to learn. But learn you must because your happiness is in YOUR hands.

If she tries to emotionally blackmail you laugh it off. Stop cancelling your plans with your mates. YOU'RE the boss of you, not her.

No one will think badly of you if you do this and if they do...TOUGH!

Best of luck op!

Kimia

trio wrote: »

Another thing - don't start off your adult life thinking "I can't say anything in case she cries". Girls cry - it's what we do. I have a little cry whenever myself and Himself have to have a talk like that - it's not easy to hear you've been doing something that pisses off the person you love. But I always feel tons better afterwards when we're back on the same page again.

Trio you are bang on, so much so that I have to have a little giggle to myself. I too am quite emotional (I cry at good things too!) and at the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend used to freak out. I explained to him, and he saw for himself, that it was just my way of releasing the stress/tension and that it didn't mean i was hysterical or at the end of my tether. It's good to hear that others are like that too!

tinkerbell

You're too young to be getting like this .... you need to start setting boundaries. I'm assuming you're around 18 since you've just done the Leaving Cert. Well at that age, you should be out with your friends and not spending 24/7 with your girlfriend, I mean that's crazy.

You need to stop cancelling your plans with your friends because of her. If she wants to do something say on Tuesday and you've already spent Monday together, tell her no you can't as you've got plans already. I mean that's ridiculous. Do some sort of a schedule like others suggested - or that say Friday night is your definite night together or whatever. But start standing up for yourself, quit letting her walk all over you.

And if she starts crying, ugh, I dunno what to say, "get over yourself" is probably not the best thing to say there! But don't give in if the tears are there. Seriously, if she's this possessive after a short time, imagine what it'd be like in a few years ... so nip that in the bud fairly lively, otherwise you'll have bigger problems to worry about.

Miss Fluff

You seriously need to start asserting yourself a little more. Her smothering and needy behaviour is not normal. If you think it's bad now, wait until the honeymoon period really is over, you ain't seen nothing yet. You need to lay down some ground-rules and stick with them. If she can't have the maturity to give you some space and let you lead your own life (you are only 18 ffs:eek:) then you seriously need to cut her loose my friend!!

shellyboo

tired OP wrote: »

I'm afraid she might be the kinda girl that will cry all day long if I did that :S

She's not a porcelain doll, or a toddler for that matter. So what if she cries? It's ok for you to be unhappy but not her, no?

Stand up for yourself, OP. She's being a spoilt princess and you're already miserable after a year. Just break up with her and start living your life, you just finished your LC, enjoy it!

magneticimpulse

I understand that you like her, but you seem browned off with the relationship. I bet youve not started college yet? The will happen over the next 2 or 3 weeks I suppose?

Well college is an exciting time, a time to meet new people and make new friends. You will feel so happy and full of life. 1st year in college is brillant. I would maybe wait until you start college? By all means end the relationship before then if nothing changes after talking to her? I mean you spend this much time with her, you must be able to be honest with her. The worst things in relationships is not being honest and upfront. People get stressed and worried when they dont know the truth. If you tell her how you feel, she can then decide to give you space or you both decide to end the relationship.

You've just done your leaving cert, you have the whole world and future ahead of you. No point getting bogged down in a relationship or this serious so young. You'll prob date about 20 girls at least in your life before you meet the right one....I mean I could be wrong...I do know people who met in school and later married but that is not so common either.

Anyway, like I said, college is going to be great. If you still feel things are not better then you seriously need to consider ending the relationship. Nobody at your age should be down, as its such a fun age to be Enjoy life and enjoy being happy...dont waste it away on a relationship your not excited about.

LegacyUser

tinkerbell wrote: »

You're too young to be getting like this .... you need to start setting boundaries. I'm assuming you're around 18 since you've just done the Leaving Cert. Well at that age, you should be out with your friends and not spending 24/7 with your girlfriend, I mean that's crazy.

You need to stop cancelling your plans with your friends because of her. If she wants to do something say on Tuesday and you've already spent Monday together, tell her no you can't as you've got plans already. I mean that's ridiculous. Do some sort of a schedule like others suggested - or that say Friday night is your definite night together or whatever. But start standing up for yourself, quit letting her walk all over you.

And if she starts crying, ugh, I dunno what to say, "get over yourself" is probably not the best thing to say there! But don't give in if the tears are there. Seriously, if she's this possessive after a short time, imagine what it'd be like in a few years ... so nip that in the bud fairly lively, otherwise you'll have bigger problems to worry about.

I don't cancel plans anymore because, well.. I have no real friends anymore to make plans with :S


Thanks for the advice guys, I love boards

Swampy

My advice = Dump her.

I went through something exactly like that for 3 years and I can say hand on my heart that I regret it big time.

I was in the same situation as you, finished LC heading to college. I'll never forgive myself for all the missed opportunities I lost because of this girl.

It hurt to break up because I still liked her but i never regret breaking up but regret not doing it sooner.

LegacyUser

Swampy wrote: »

My advice = Dump her.

I went through something exactly like that for 3 years and I can say hand on my heart that I regret it big time.

I was in the same situation as you, finished LC heading to college. I'll never forgive myself for all the missed opportunities I lost because of this girl.

It hurt to break up because I still liked her but i never regret breaking up but regret not doing it sooner.

Thanks for the advice but to be honest, I'm pretty confused now. So much advice but I don't have the courage to even speak to her. I love her, she's my best friend and has become a central part of my life - what happens then? :S

MissHoneyBun

shellyboo wrote: »

It's ok for you to be unhappy but not her, no?

Swampy wrote: »

I'll never forgive myself for all the missed opportunities I lost

I think these are both really valid points OP and definitely questions worth asking yourself. What contributions does she make towards your happiness? Does she even care that you're unhappy?

Trust me, I know it isn't easy but if somebody's impinging on your happiness and holding you back in life, it's time to leave. You're too young for that crap and the way I see it, you won't get this stage of your life back again. Don't waste it with the wrong person or any person for that matter. Your life and happiness is worth more than that

Ya know, relationships are supposed to add to your life, not take from it.

ldxo15wus6fpgm

tired op wrote: »

Thanks for the advice but to be honest, I'm pretty confused now. So much advice but I don't have the courage to even speak to her. I love her, she's my best friend and has become a central part of my life - what happens then? :S

If she's your best friend she'd be understanding and would work towards solving this issue, not blackmail you with tears and puppy dog eyes. If she tries to play that card let her and pay no attention to it - if she keeps it up ditch her and find someone less manipulative and spoilt.
As is often enough said, actions speak louder than words... she can't tell you she loves you and then act like that, it's not on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice guys. It's so stressing me out at the moment!:(

Part of me thinks I should wait and see what happens to us but part of me thinks that I should really stop pretending i'm happy in the relationship and do something about it - but i'd feel bad for her and i'd miss her

LegacyUser

OP, I've a friend from school who was going out with a girl the last 2 years in secondary and then 3 years of college. The rest of us had the odd fling for maybe a few weeks or couple of months and I always felt my mate was itching to enjoy the single life. His gf at the time was gorgeous, really nice, crazy about him, absolute perfect gf material, but he always felt like he was missing out on the single life. Fast forward 10 years, myself and all 6 of the other lads from our circle of friends are all either married, some with kids, or else in serious relationships over 2-3 years, while my friend who had the gf all through college has spent the last few years doing what he wanted to be doing when he was 17-22. He told me recently that he wouldn't be ready for marriage and kids for at least another ten years, which would bring him up to 40!! I genuinely feel like the monogomy he forced on himself for 5 years has caused a phobia to long term relationships. Your youth is for enjoying, get out there and enjoy it. If you think your gf is a burden and ruining your social life, be single for a while. Go to college, meet loads of new friends, date some girls, whatever. Don't stay with her for another couple of years until you eventually explode and then regret you didn't do it sooner..

LegacyUser

letloose wrote: »

OP, I've a friend from school who was going out with a girl the last 2 years in secondary and then 3 years of college. The rest of us had the odd fling for maybe a few weeks or couple of months and I always felt my mate was itching to enjoy the single life. His gf at the time was gorgeous, really nice, crazy about him, absolute perfect gf material, but he always felt like he was missing out on the single life. Fast forward 10 years, myself and all 6 of the other lads from our circle of friends are all either married, some with kids, or else in serious relationships over 2-3 years, while my friend who had the gf all through college has spent the last few years doing what he wanted to be doing when he was 17-22. He told me recently that he wouldn't be ready for marriage and kids for at least another ten years, which would bring him up to 40!! I genuinely feel like the monogomy he forced on himself for 5 years has caused a phobia to long term relationships. Your youth is for enjoying, get out there and enjoy it. If you think your gf is a burden and ruining your social life, be single for a while. Go to college, meet loads of new friends, date some girls, whatever. Don't stay with her for another couple of years until you eventually explode and then regret you didn't do it sooner..

I feel like I'm gonna be this guy

She's driving me crazy. One minute I wanna end all but the next, I look at her and see how lucky I am to be with her and how much I'd miss her if anything happened! Doesn't last long though, there's always something that ticks either one of us off (nothing even major but it all adds up)

I wish there was a reset button in life

LegacyUser

OP, I'm old enough to be your mum (though I'm young!!) and if you were my son, I'd put your feelings ahead of your girlfriends.

Earlier on you said your family love her. They love you more OP, they want you to be happy.

No one is responsible for your happiness except YOU. You can take control of this situation. You can.

Either talk to the girl and be as honest as you have been her (or show her this thread), or you split up with her.

If you split with her, you WILL get through it. Yes, it will be hard, you will miss her. But do you know what?? It's highly likely and very probably that you will meet someone else in time. Someone who you will also love, but who will give you the space we all deserve.

I'm sure your gf is a lovely girl. I have a son who has a gf who I adore. But if he came to me, as unhappy as you obviously are, my advice would be to take a break from her. Yes, I'd miss her, but my son is my priority...:-).

You said sometimes you look at her and realise how lucky you are?

You don't sound like you feel that lucky at all OP..sorry.

Zeouterlimits

OP,
you seriously need to talk to her.
It's a fundamental part of a relationship, and arguably more importantly, it shows you respect her as a person.

Jaxxy

OP I've seen people in your situation before. So many people I know give up and forsake their friends and spending time with them for their boyfriends or girlfriends. It has happened to friends of mine and I've been guilty of it before myself. It's not necessarily a symptom of young relationships but it is a mistake we often make in the beginning and it is a harsh lesson to learn.

Nobody is saying you should dump her outright. Just talk to her. Tell her how you feel. What you're asking for isn't much, you just want to have some time to yourself to do whatever you might like to do. If she cries, like others have said in this thread, let her cry. Reassure her that you love her and just because you don't want to spend every hour of every day with her doesn't mean that has changed. You're heading to college, out into the real world where you will have opportunities to try so many new things and meet so many new people. This is a time you should both be enjoying. Your happiness is important too, and if she doesn't understand this or come round to this simple request you are making, then I'm afraid to say her controlling nature will only get worse.

I know how scary it must feel when you think about not having her in your life. You've built your entire social life around her, she's a part of your family and you're a part of hers. Being without her might feel like being without a limb at first, but I promise you, that limb will grow back.

Do not be afraid of being left alone. That feeling won't last long. College means you will meet so many new people and your first few weeks will be a whirlwind of social activities, and many of those people will be in the same boat as you and not know anyone. Staying in a relationship because you're afraid of temporary loneliness is not a better option than staying in a relationship that makes you so unhappy.

In summary OP, just try to talk to her. Tell her how you feel. That's all you can do. If she continues to be unreasonable about it then perhaps another approach is in order, but until then all you can do is be honest with her. You owe it to yourself.

LegacyUser

Unregistered wrote: »

OP, I'm old enough to be your mum (though I'm young!!) and if you were my son, I'd put your feelings ahead of your girlfriends.

Earlier on you said your family love her. They love you more OP, they want you to be happy.

No one is responsible for your happiness except YOU. You can take control of this situation. You can.

Either talk to the girl and be as honest as you have been her (or show her this thread), or you split up with her.

If you split with her, you WILL get through it. Yes, it will be hard, you will miss her. But do you know what?? It's highly likely and very probably that you will meet someone else in time. Someone who you will also love, but who will give you the space we all deserve.

I'm sure your gf is a lovely girl. I have a son who has a gf who I adore. But if he came to me, as unhappy as you obviously are, my advice would be to take a break from her. Yes, I'd miss her, but my son is my priority...:-).

You said sometimes you look at her and realise how lucky you are?

You don't sound like you feel that lucky at all OP..sorry.

I like your post. It's blunt but it does help in a way, it's comforting.


I think I'll wait until i'm in college, then assess what my life is like. The next while is critical

metamorphosis

DONT WAIT!!! JUST DO IT.

You have procrastinated long enough. You should be able to talk about these things in a relationship. Talk to her. The world will not blow up or nobody will die. Go to college with the is issue off your chest. The first few weeks in college are too busy a time and you won't end up having the talk and things will just spiral.

LegacyUser

ULstudent wrote: »

DONT WAIT!!! JUST DO IT.

You have procrastinated long enough. You should be able to talk about these things in a relationship. Talk to her. The world will not blow up or nobody will die. Go to college with the is issue off your chest. The first few weeks in college are too busy a time and you won't end up having the talk and things will just spiral.

Okay, I'll need to talk to her soon. There's alot of issues present though, how can I talk about all of these without sounding like a total boss or asshole?

Zeouterlimits

tired OP wrote: »

Okay, I'll need to talk to her soon. There's alot of issues present though, how can I talk about all of these without sounding like a total boss or asshole?

By being level-headed, reminding her you are in love with her, but being clear and firm.
Seriously OP, you still sound like you're looking at this the wrong way, you're not the bad guy here.

dory

OP make the break. I was in the same position once upon a time. You're far too young to be having these kind of issues. You should be at the selfish stage of your life when you're just thinking about yourself. You'll be thinking about wife,kids, dog etc long enough.

Oryx

OP, youre 18. You do have a reset button on your life.

If you break up with her, it will upset you, and it will upset her. You will both have a very sh!tty few weeks dealing with that. But you will recover. You cant go through life accepting unhappiness and a bad situation because you are afraid of the pain of changing it.

You cant go through life without ever being hurt, and you will never get through life without hurting someone else. It just happens. So do what you want, deep down, youre far to young and have far too much to achieve not to.

LegacyUser

Oryx wrote: »

OP, youre 18. You do have a reset button on your life.

If you break up with her, it will upset you, and it will upset her. You will both have a very sh!tty few weeks dealing with that. But you will recover. You cant go through life accepting unhappiness and a bad situation because you are afraid of the pain of changing it.

You cant go through life without ever being hurt, and you will never get through life without hurting someone else. It just happens. So do what you want, deep down, youre far to young and have far too much to achieve not to.

Looking at her today while she was chatting with her friend, I really didn't want to eventually lose and miss her but I'm being smothered

How do I go about addressing these issues? I will have to talk to her, I accept that. How could I do it? I'm way too shy to bring it up randomly :S

LegacyUser

Sorry for the double post but would like to update this. Told her today that I'd be seeing a friend from school in a few days just to hang out, go out, etc. and she took it like she's not looking forward to it at all. She acted a little strange when I told her and I could clearly see that she was not happy about it - almost as if she wanted me to herself.

She's being selfish, isn't she? Or is it something I said? :S

Zeouterlimits

Sorry OP, but losing any respect for you.
Practically everyone has told you to talk to her about it properly, yet you still don't seem to have.

Frankly you're being selfish by not getting over your fear and respecting the relationship by being honest.

metamorphosis

No offence but this thread is starting to bug me - my genuine advice would be to grow a pair of balls and talk. you will have a weight lifted after and be glad.

ULstudent out.

magneticimpulse

i agree with the above poster. you are not showing much maturity and you have just done the Leaving Cert. You are obviously too young to be in a relationship and should get out there and live life.

You havnt even spoken to your girlfriend for a start. It is bugging me too, you have not taken anyones advice onboard and living in LaLa land. Theres no problem living in LaLa Land, and your perfectly entitled to live that way, but stop complaining about it and not taking any advice.

Please just enjoy your youth and hang out with your friends. Yes this girl is smothering your life and stopping you from living. You only young once...make the most of it.

Moomoo1

guys, go easy on him, he's 18...

Chinafoot

tired OP wrote: »

She's being selfish, isn't she? Or is it something I said? :S

Of course she's being selfish.

Look, you said yourself that you have no other real friends apart from her, right? I would hazard a guess that the reason you have no other friends is because of her. You have allowed this girl to walk all over you and as a result your friends have got pissed off with you bailing on them when plans are made and generally just not maintaining your friendships. It can happen, and it can be hard to come back from but it's something you should try to rectify. Make an effort to contact your old friends. Spend some time with them. You can make your relationship with this girl work if you are both willing to make some changes. She needs to know that you won't let her walk all over you but you need to open your mouth and make it happen. You're clearly very unhappy but you're not doing anything to change the situation.

I genuinely think that you are clinging to this relationship despite your unhappiness because you have not only lost your friends but because you feel that you will never get anyone else as good as you think this girl is.

She's talking about marriage and babies and she acts like a spoiled brat when you want to spend time with other people? You're 18 years of age for christ sake. How can you be discussing marriage and kids when you can't even tell her that you want to see your friends and feel like she's smothering you?!

OP, you really need to speak to her but I'm honestly not sure if you will going by this thread and the last one. Your one saving grace may be starting college. You will meet new people, enjoy new experiences and there is a good chance yourself and your girlfriend will go your seperate ways. Of course, you could go the other way and waste your college experience by only going to your classes and then checking in with your girlfriend. Its entirely up to you.

You both need to grow up in different ways. She needs to cop on to herself and quit the drama and you need to learn to stand up for yourself. The only one that change this situation is you.