All opinions and advice would be really helpful - want help!

megafedup1

Right I am about to post a massive essay of a problem so thanks in advance for taking the time to read it. Am really fed up in my relationship at the moment…
As an overview me and my boyfriend have been together for nearly 4 years. We got engaged in February and we bought a house 2 years ago… I am from Ireland but moved to UK just over 3 years ago to be with him.
But I’ve just been really unhappy. I don’t even know when it started… Just have so much that I am annoyed about and even though I have told him why I am not happy and he is definitely trying harder, I don’t know if I can put everything behind me. L
Although he is getting better he was being massively possessive. Telling me I couldn’t wear certain stuff to work, getting annoyed if I spoke to men he didn’t know but I knew when out, he even told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to this lad I know.. He actually forbade me from talking to him... I have to try and avoid having my picture taken with ppl he didn’t know on nights out or all the next day would just be me trying to pre-empt when the photos would be on facebook so I could remove the post from my wall!! I met a lad I used to work with about 4 weeks ago when I was on a work nights out and the nightclub took our picture, the picture is on facebook –and my boyfriend was like I am not happy about this picture being shoved in my face… we are only standing side by side and this is a lad who I was really good friends with who he actually knows.
He went through my phone about 3 weeks ago… that was like the straw that broke the camel’s back and since then he has been better and is trying to sort himself out… but he still gets really annoyed when me and my friend go out on a Friday night. I don’t understand why its such a hardship for him. she isn’t single either – and we will go for drinks with both our boyfriends and then we generally want to go dancing. Its rarely a very late night – maybe 1 or 2. But I am only 24… am I being unreasonable? Is he right??? Should I not go out??
Although he never seems to want to do anything… I am so sick of watching TV. He doesn’t like me doing stuff without him though – it’s so hard – he doesn’t like me going running or going for walks but doesn’t want to do them with me. He complains that I am always off out but I can’t stay in and watch TV anymore – I can feel it rotting my brain. He is welcome to come do stuff with me but he doesn’t want to… we always have to do what he wants to do… like I said it has started to change with that massive row after he went through my phone and we have been for a few walks…
He has a complete lack of money management skills so he NEVER has any money… this contributes to the not doing anything. He lives in his overdraft… I don’t know where the money goes… we get paid about the same yet I always have money but he is always skint.
Another example of things that still really annoy me is how little effort he puts into my family and friends. When my mom and dad came to stay, and my boyfriend refused to come shopping with us… my mom and dad bought us a dinner set and a massive stainless steel bin and I rang him and asked him if he wouldn’t mind coming into town to pick up the stuff as obviously we couldn’t carry all that stuff around all day…It’s not even a 5 minute drive, and he went mad at me down the phone… I mean it was stuff for our house… I was so embarrassed…

I love him but I am not sure if it’s enough… I wonder if I am wasting my time…
I hope the whole message makes sense… it’s a bit of a stream of consciousness! Any advice or any opinions gladly welcome…

StarryMoon0

Wow. I don't think you are being unreasonable. You are a human being and are entitled to you own life and and your own friends, as long as its not crossing any established boundaries.
I'm sorry, but he doesn't own you. You are not property.

The friends/going out thing would be easy enough to put down to him being very jealous, which is his problem.

What kinda scares me is the running thing. What could he possibly object to?
Thats not jealousy, thats control.

You have to lead a "secret" life to stop him form getting angry (such as deleting innocent pics ect). Does that feel ok for you?

What happens when you stand up for yourself? (I'm scared of the answer you could possibly give me)

Oryx

I love him but I am not sure if it’s enough… I wonder if I am wasting my time…

I dont often give brief replies but in this case the only answer is yes.

I cant see what you get from this relationship. This man is far too controlling and will only get worse if you let him. Get out now.

LegacyUser

Ah OP, God how to get this through to you . . .

RUN!!!!

I'm not going to sugar coat this for you coz in fairness you know it yourself but your OH is a controlling bully.

Jesus this is so similar to my story it's giving me the creeps. I was 19, met a guy, he promised me adventures and fun etc, it was going to be great. 5 years down the line and I was riddled with depression, no friends, no social life, just me and him and a tv, jesus it was so depressing to finish work on a friday and have NOTHING to look forward to, just sitting on my ass, wasting my youth watching Stargate SG1, honestly it's depressing me just remembering.

He didn't stop me making frineds with tantrums though, he just never liked anyone, everyone was an "idiot" or "monkey" or "ape" to him because he thought he was a genius (never figured out why he thought that, but anywho) and so I was made to feel stupid for liking people and wanting friends and so I didn't have any. Anyway after 5 years of telling myself that everyone's life was like mine and that friends were overrated and that holidays/festivals were a waste of money, I eventually admitted the truth to myself; I wanted out, I'd tried and tried and tried to be content with my life but in the end I had to admit I wasn't content, I was ****ing miserable.

Life isn't about making do and being content with what you have, especially when all you have is a boyfriend that makes you miserable and a non existant social life. Stop settling for nothing!!!!

Back to my story;
I woke up and said enough is enough, I went home to my mam's at 4 in the morning and she came over to my flat with me while he was in work and in the space of 4 hours helped me move all my stuff back into my parents house and I cut contact completely. I moved on so fast I felt high most of the time, I had left the relationship emotionally years ago so I think that's why I didn't even get upset, but anyway within 1 week I had found new hobbies and with them came new friends and adventures and joy and laughter and everything I had been missing from the age of 19 to 24. The cherry on the cake was that 2 months after the break up I met my current OH and he the most wonderful man in the world, he's supported and encouraged me to fulfill all my dreams, including getting my degree in the evenings, never once complaining that I had to go to college 4 nights a week, god he really is the complete opposite to the selfish tool I used to be with.

I'm telling you all of the above in the hope that you recognise yourself in my story, I know how your head is working, I really do, you're looking for reasons to stay coz it's scary to leave. I will say the following things and please try to see the truth in them;

- you deserve happiness
- you do not owe your OH anything
- you owe it to your future self not to waste your youth on someone who doesn't deserve you
- you are worth more
- you deserve friends and fun times
- you deserve to be cherished and supported.

The song that basically was the theme tune for my breakup (I listened to it all through that breakup and afterwards) and I know this is very very very cheesy but it was Kelly Clarkeson "breakaway", I honestly felt like that song was for me, maybe you will too, give it a listen. Anyway I suppose what I'm begging you to do is listen to yourself, you're not happy, please change it and go and turn your life into what you want it to be. I did and believe me it was so easy.

I really really hope you leave that guy soon and turn your life into what you want it to be.

Big big big hugs and the best of luck.

Beruthiel

megafedup1 wrote:

I love him but I am not sure if it’s enough

No. It's not enough.
He doesn't love you. You don't treat someone you love like that.

I wonder if I am wasting my time…

Most certainly. Without a shadow of doubt, you are wasting your very valueable time on this planet.
I'm going to be honest, your b/f is a possessive, controlling nutjob.
How in the name of Thor have you put up with this for so long?
Seriously, get away from him asap.

This kind of behaviour will only get worse as time goes on.
One day, you will wake up and realise that you have lost your friends, family, self esteem, confidence and all you have left is this possessive asshole.

Give him back his ring, sell the house and thank your lucky stars that you aren't married with children to this man because that would be one hell of a miserable life to lead.

dublingal80

you deserve the very best op. You deserve someone who loves you for you and how you are, who trusts you 100% and who doesnt want to change anything about you.

Your bf isnt this at all, and I would be afraid that down the line, if you were to get married, that things could come worse. You have to look after yourself, and do what makes you happy. Yes you love him, but are you in love with him? Or is it just the fact of breaking up with someone you have known for so long, losing that part of you and being single again that is making you stay with him

I'd be afraid if you did stay with him your self esteem would go down lower and lower and lower.

You deserve soooooooooooo much more than that he is giving u

megafedup1

OK first things first, just like to say thanks for taking the time out to read what was an epic message. The first thing I felt was relief when I read the replies– I was getting to the point where I was thinking it was me who had the problem… and seriously doubting everything I was doing.
The thing is I was completely dependent on him when I first moved over, which I guess he didn’t help with… didn’t want me to work in local pub while I tried to find proper job and made sure that we lived in an area where everyone knew him and all his friends around (not that I wanted to be miles away but just maybe the next town so that I would have a chance to make friends on my terms whereas instead I just had all his friends as friends(meaning they aren’t really real friends)), but its only since we have gotten engaged that I have forced myself to have a serious look at the relationship and realize how unhappy I have been. Looking back I didn’t really want to buy a house but he talked me round…
If I stand up for myself then he makes me feel like I am being moody and just trying to pick fights… it’s impossible to argue with someone who thinks that the argument isn’t real but merely you trying to cause hassle. Or says that I know what he is like and that I shouldn’t be trying to change who he is…
With the running, he just doesn’t like me doing things without him. I have asked him to come with me and he won’t as he doesn’t want to run… he won’t stand in my way and be like “oh you can’t go” but he makes me feel bad about it…
In the same way if I am going out for dinner with a mate and he has to fend for himself then instead of going out and getting something nice to have for himself, he will make himself a rubbish dinner and then try and make me feel guilty because he is having something rubbish…

The other side of it is that he doesn’t display this side of him to other ppl. While he will have complained for hours about having to meet my friends out, when he gets there he is so nice and sweet that everyone loves him and tells me I am really lucky to have him… I haven’t told many of my friends or any of my family about what he is really like, I guess I have invested so much of my time and my life into this that I feel bad that I seem to have made a massive mistake. I know ultimately my family will want me to be happy but I feel I am letting everyone down…
Obviously there have been good things too or I would not have stayed but a lot of it has been so gradual that I didn’t realise what road we were heading down, and even though I do think he is trying to be better, I am really worried that it will always only be temporary and that eventually it will go back to the way that it was… I guess I am wondering if I owe it to him to give the relationship a last chance of should I cut my losses…

StarryMoon0

megafedup1 wrote: »

If I stand up for myself then he makes me feel like I am being moody and just trying to pick fights… it’s impossible to argue with someone who thinks that the argument isn’t real but merely you trying to cause hassle. Or says that I know what he is like and that I shouldn’t be trying to change who he is…

So, he puts the issue back onto you to make you feel guilty so he can bring you down one more little bit and be more dependant on him. Thats pretty sick in a way.

megafedup1 wrote: »

With the running, he just doesn’t like me doing things without him. I have asked him to come with me and he won’t as he doesn’t want to run… he won’t stand in my way and be like “oh you can’t go” but he makes me feel bad about it…

Umm..is he scared you might see there is a wonderful world out there to be explored and enjoyed and you might find it more appealing than watchig drivel on the tv?

megafedup1 wrote: »

In the same way if I am going out for dinner with a mate and he has to fend for himself then instead of going out and getting something nice to have for himself, he will make himself a rubbish dinner and then try and make me feel guilty because he is having something rubbish…

Dang, sorry, but he's good. That is stooping seriously low.

megafedup1 wrote: »

The other side of it is that he doesn’t display this side of him to other ppl. While he will have complained for hours about having to meet my friends out, when he gets there he is so nice and sweet that everyone loves him and tells me I am really lucky to have him… I haven’t told many of my friends or any of my family about what he is really like, I guess I have invested so much of my time and my life into this that I feel bad that I seem to have made a massive mistake. I know ultimately my family will want me to be happy but I feel I am letting everyone down…
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Of course he doesn't hun. He KNOWS this his behaviour is totally wrong and out of line. NO ONE would accept this type of behaviour from him, so he doesn't show it. Its particularily sick because he has made you feel you cannot speak with this about anyone because they wouldn't believe you. He has effectively isolated you from any support from family/friends.

Look, I'm not going to say stay or leave, but please look at this for what it is.

For another perspective, when I got with my OH, I told him I had loads of male friends, could he handle that? He said yes. We have joint friends, he has some seperate friends, and so do I. We spend time apart, do seperate things, and when we do get to spend the whole evening or a whole day together, its great!
He doesn't so much, but I travel on my own. Twice this year i have gone to Amsterdam without him, to party and hang out with friends. He has no issue with this, in fact the last time he paid for my flight as a pressie for me.
He doesn't own me, I don't own him. As long as we are respectful and don't do anything to hurt the relationship its all good.

WHen a relatonship first starts and your in the "lovely dovey" stage, ya, I think a lot of us spend a lot of time with the OH and its all cute and nice.
WHat he is doing crosses so many lines.

You deserve better, so much better

Beruthiel

megafedup1 wrote: »

I guess I am wondering if I owe it to him to give the relationship a last chance of should I cut my losses…

You owe him nothing. Nothing you can say would alter my first comment.

You cannot wish someone to change. They have to want to. They have to put serious effort into it.

You're 24, with your whole life ahead of you, cut your losses.