Feeling Insecure?

_Kate_

:mad: Hey, i don't know if i'm writing this in the right place but... Here goes..


I've been with my boyfriend nearly four years.. We've been through a lot, and he really has been my rock..We live together and do almost everything together! But i actually started seeing him about five years ago on and off until we got together properly four years ago.. But in that time he had kissed four or five girls i know off and i was really heartbroken as i hadn't even talked to a bloke when we were on off.


He said from the start 'i love you' we were basically going out but not really if that makes sense.. Still held hands, kissed in public and the obvious one..


I still think about it when i see these girls around and still get really annoyed even though he keeps saying i wasn't with you which is true. I love him with all my heart and would do anything for him but can't help feeling like i'm not good enough and keep finding myself looking through these girls pages on Facebook.!!

We had a little upset s few months ago, i was on the laptop and found msn conversations with girls he was moreless chatting up. He actually asked one girl to go on web came and said that his girlfriend was annoying him! It was all awhh your gorgeous ext ext.. Actually getting annoyed thinking about it but i got over it as it was only a mistake he said. I do believe he hasn't cheated since, well expect them chats but i can't help but feel insecure, not good enough and even looking at my own self and picking flaws out.


I get annoyed if some women even texts!! I don't know what to do.. Or how to explain this without being thick or starting a fight.. It's putting a big problem in our relationship.

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL to Relationship Issues.

Jennifurball

No wonder you are feeling insecure. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

It has nothing to do with what you look like, he is doing it for an ego boost. I doubt these girls are that special, he doesn't seem to be fussy. He is doing your confidence no good, is it really worth being with him?

LegacyUser

If I were you I would finish that relationship, he doesn't care for you or respect you by the sounds of it and it's starting to effect how you see yourself. That's not good, he's obviously not someone you want having power over your head coz look what he's doing with it!!! Take your power back and finish it and cut contact. The chatting up other women online would be a dealbreaker for me even without the other stuff.

_Kate_

See, we've been through a lot. And i love him more then anything, really do. And he says the same..

Anytime we talk he just gets annoyed when i talk about it.. and actually says, ' why you upsetting urself' he knows it still does annoy me.


Makes my skin crawl when i think of it..

And i know this is stupid but, there's a wedding coming up, and he said he's going to wear this shirt he got a few years ago and it so happens thats the shirt he wore when he kissed these girls.. lol!!! i know, i seen mad.. but i actually got annoyed he was going to wear this shirt!!

StarryMoon0

_Kate_ wrote: »

And i know this is stupid but, there's a wedding coming up, and he said he's going to wear this shirt he got a few years ago and it so happens thats the shirt he wore when he kissed these girls.. lol!!! i know, i seen mad.. but i actually got annoyed he was going to wear this shirt!!

No, you don't seem mad. I'd have shredded the shirt and burnt the ****ing thing.
Yes, call me insane but for me it would do as its doing for you, bringing up bad memories. We are emotional beings, some things don't make sense, but we do them anyways.

Your trust was broken.. takes years to build and a nanosecond to break.
Takes work on both sides to make things right again unfortunatley. I get the feeling you don't feel things are "resolved".
None of this is your fault, don't start finding things wrong with yourself to put the blame on you, or justify his behaviour.

_Kate_

I know, i look at this shirt hanging up and just get so annoyed!!

Really don't feel it has been properly talked about or discussed but when i do bring it up it seems i'm starting a fight or upsetting myself.

Don't know how to deal with it at all.. As we are really good together but just find myself looking at other girls and looking at him to see if he's looking at them, or when he's texting or leaves his phone down i find myself picking up his mobile.


And i don't want to be seen as a bunny boiler to him and when we're out with friends obviously they don't know whats going on but they would past comment about a girl or the new one awh 'lads holiday' this year gets me like proper annoyed!!

I want what we had back but don't know how.

StarryMoon0

_Kate_ wrote: »

I know, i look at this shirt hanging up and just get so annoyed!!

Really don't feel it has been properly talked about or discussed but when i do bring it up it seems i'm starting a fight or upsetting myself.

Don't know how to deal with it at all.. As we are really good together but just find myself looking at other girls and looking at him to see if he's looking at them, or when he's texting or leaves his phone down i find myself picking up his mobile.


And i don't want to be seen as a bunny boiler to him and when we're out with friends obviously they don't know whats going on but they would past comment about a girl or the new one awh 'lads holiday' this year gets me like proper annoyed!!

I want what we had back but don't know how.

I think untill you feel he's taking your feelings seriously and can openly work with you to rebuild trust it's going to be hard. You can't force yourself to blindly trust him.

Bunny boiler Ah, ya, and thats how I felt at 4 am, sneaking into the sitting room to check his phone. I hated myself for doing it, I felt like such a freak.
Its a vicious cycle to get into, but hard to break untill you feel the "air is cleared"

Fifilefleure

_Kate_ wrote: »

Really don't feel it has been properly talked about or discussed but when i do bring it up it seems i'm starting a fight or upsetting myself.

Don't know how to deal with it at all.. As we are really good together but just find myself looking at other girls and looking at him to see if he's looking at them, or when he's texting or leaves his phone down i find myself picking up his mobile.


And i don't want to be seen as a bunny boiler to him and when we're out with friends obviously they don't know whats going on but they would past comment about a girl or the new one awh 'lads holiday' this year gets me like proper annoyed!!

I want what we had back but don't know how.

Hi OP,
You really can't get annoyed at him for kissing other girls around the same time as he was with you, if ye weren't an item or it wasn't understood by both of ye that ye were exclusive. That is to do with you and your insecurities and unfair to put it all on him. You will have to work on it or it will spill over to every aspect of the relationship and slowly turn it bitter and resentful.

On the other hand the chatting up of other women online is disturbing and a very bad sign of your relationship - if he is spending time chatting to them, he is not talking to you and is effectively shutting you out. You both need to sit down calmly and try to determine the cause of this, for ye to have any chance to move on from this. If he can't and you don't feel you can, why are you hanging around?! you can't change people or get them to talk. And if ye love each other, there should be a mutual respect for one another and a willingness to try and sort problems out until both of ye are happy and secure. It take two to want to make an relationship work and to feel secure within an relationship. Best of luck!!

_Kate_

Thanks for your Advise..


But how do i bring it up? Like Without turning it into a fight?

Fifilefleure

_Kate_ wrote: »

Thanks for your Advise..


But how do i bring it up? Like Without turning it into a fight?

I understand what your asking but at the same time we are a bunch of strangers on the net so only you know how ye communicate as a couple.

I would suggest the first thing is to look at it logically yourself - what exactly is making you up upset? Be specific - you can't go at him over the shirt when the real issue is how you felt betrayed by the fact he was with others when he was with you. This is your issue alone as you said, ye weren't together and you were. The lack of clarity in your answer suggest ye actually didn't sit down and chat about it and that you were been a girlfriend and he wasn't been your boyfriend. You need to figure out next if you can get over your insecurities - stop comparing yourself to them. Stop checking them up on fb. Block them and you won't be able to see their accounts or anything they do if you have to.

Next thing is to be completely clear about what upset you about the online chatting up and why. Be clear and concise as possible. What does he need to show/do now for ye to move past it. Make it clear that you won't be putting up with this behaviour again. Explain why ye need to find out the real issue behind his actions. Write it down and read it back to yourself if you have to. Once you have the reasons clear, pick a time when ye are both relaxed and not tired. Calmly explain that you want to clear the air for once and for all and could he listen to you first and not walk away or belittle you by saying don't be making yourself upset etc. If he says that - say you have been upset and you are still upset and you want to deal with it now for once and for all and move past it.

If he still doesn't want to listen or talk to you rationally about your fears, how were direspected or how his actions were hurtful, then you can say you tried but you can't with someone who doesn't want to/ can't listen to you.

Only my suggestion - everyone handles things different but if ye have been through so much already(as you said in an earlier post), ye should be open to talking this through as it effects both of ye and is putting yer relationship at risk!! If he can't see that....

_Kate_

Thanks a million Jiggle.

I know i was just asking peoples views, ways around dealing with this and i've actually got super confidence with this matter now.

Writing it all down is a must, now that you have said it. Because i reckon i would find myself just being stubborn and not open properly.

Thanks again.